OT: Tools to avoid self sabotage
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Join Date: Feb 2008
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OT: Tools to avoid self sabotage
Hi all!
I posted in another thread that in the past I continually sabotaged myself just when things got good in my life. I have been working with my therapist on this and found some good ways to avoid doing it. So, at the request of another member, I'm starting this thread : )
When I went back to xabf, a big part of why I did it is because I was familiar with misery in my life. I grew up with an alcoholic father, then moved on to relationships with addicted people. Chaos was part of my daily life growing up and in my relationships, so chaos became a comfort and a means to feel like I was alive. Since ending my relationship again and going no contact, I have been incredibly happy, but not in a way that is scary or even uncomfortable and, so far, I have been able to avoid ruining my own happiness and serenity.
My therapist taught me to get in touch with the feelings that come on when I'm stretching myself, as she calls it. What she means by this is when I'm pushing myself past what I am used to doing and on to my healthier life. She tells me to take time out to sit with my feelings. I think as codies, at least in my case, it's much easier to run on to the next drama than deal with the one in front of me. Usually, by the time I was done, I would amass 10 more dramas to avoid the very first one, or they were just a continuation of the first drama that I built into a mountain. So now, I literally go sit somewhere, whether it's in my house or at a coffee shop and get in touch with what it is that I am scared of and making me want to create drama in my life.
After I have figured that out, she taught me how to do, for a lack of a better term, a cost/benefit analysis. If I do what is familiar, what do I get? Well, I get to be back in a comfortable place and one that I'm used to BUT I also do not get to grow from it or learn another lesson. My life didn't work like that before, so how would the result be different this time? As a codie, I am risk adverse. In the past, I would rather invest in the low-risk (or at least it appears that way at the time). I already knew then how I would be hurt, so that seemed better to me than taking a risk. The risk to me meant that I could be hurt in a new and unfamiliar way and I was worried about how I would cope with that.
If I don't sabotage myself, I end up pushing my boundaries. Either way, even if pushing myself doesn't work out and I get hurt, I'm learning a lesson from it. I am also empowered by the fact that I took the risk in the first place and I am stronger for it. It took a very long time to get here.
Here's how I've applied it. As do most people in NYC, I live in an apartment. I have a neighbor downstairs. She likes to burn skunk-smelling "incense" every night when she gets home and all weekend long. My apartment smelled like a big skunk for days on end. I went downstairs and told her the smell was too much and asked her to please do something different so I could not smell it. I also told her I would talk to the landlord if it didn't stop. She agreed to stop. It NEVER stopped. I slipped a not so nice note under the door about it again. She, in turn, claimed that I was harassing her AND that my walking above was polluting her apartment with noise by shaking the walls and ceiling. It's a brick building with cement walls. Then, if I would walk in the apartment, she would beat her ceiling/my floor with something wherever I was walking. This went on for about a week.
So, I sat down and tried to figure out what was bothering me and why I was seeking out this chaos. Well, I was no contact at that point with xabf for a month, so there was no chaos or drama there. My work was going well, so chaos or drama there. My friendships have been good, not there either. If I created some, well, that was right back in comfort zone. Granted, I don't believe it was incense and part of me was upset that I was having to deal with yet another person's addiction, but I LOVE my apartment, so I didn't want to move. The truth is, I could have avoided all of that by going straight to the landlord to begin with. So, I let her pound on the ceiling and stink up my apartment. Each day, I reported to the landlord and let him deal with it. Come to find out, others began to complain about the smell too. The smell is no longer in my apartment each night. I have no clue what the landlord said or did to her. The beating on her ceiling/my floor has also stopped. So, the take away from all of this is that by sitting with myself, I learned why I was doing what I was doing AND I figured out a better, chaos free way to deal with the problem. By doing that, I got to keep my new found serenity and happiness. I also learned that trying to deal directly with her was just another way to try to control an addict's actions. WOW, was that familiar and comfortable! No more for me, thanks!
Hope this helps! If anyone has anymore suggestions, please post those too!!!
I posted in another thread that in the past I continually sabotaged myself just when things got good in my life. I have been working with my therapist on this and found some good ways to avoid doing it. So, at the request of another member, I'm starting this thread : )
When I went back to xabf, a big part of why I did it is because I was familiar with misery in my life. I grew up with an alcoholic father, then moved on to relationships with addicted people. Chaos was part of my daily life growing up and in my relationships, so chaos became a comfort and a means to feel like I was alive. Since ending my relationship again and going no contact, I have been incredibly happy, but not in a way that is scary or even uncomfortable and, so far, I have been able to avoid ruining my own happiness and serenity.
My therapist taught me to get in touch with the feelings that come on when I'm stretching myself, as she calls it. What she means by this is when I'm pushing myself past what I am used to doing and on to my healthier life. She tells me to take time out to sit with my feelings. I think as codies, at least in my case, it's much easier to run on to the next drama than deal with the one in front of me. Usually, by the time I was done, I would amass 10 more dramas to avoid the very first one, or they were just a continuation of the first drama that I built into a mountain. So now, I literally go sit somewhere, whether it's in my house or at a coffee shop and get in touch with what it is that I am scared of and making me want to create drama in my life.
After I have figured that out, she taught me how to do, for a lack of a better term, a cost/benefit analysis. If I do what is familiar, what do I get? Well, I get to be back in a comfortable place and one that I'm used to BUT I also do not get to grow from it or learn another lesson. My life didn't work like that before, so how would the result be different this time? As a codie, I am risk adverse. In the past, I would rather invest in the low-risk (or at least it appears that way at the time). I already knew then how I would be hurt, so that seemed better to me than taking a risk. The risk to me meant that I could be hurt in a new and unfamiliar way and I was worried about how I would cope with that.
If I don't sabotage myself, I end up pushing my boundaries. Either way, even if pushing myself doesn't work out and I get hurt, I'm learning a lesson from it. I am also empowered by the fact that I took the risk in the first place and I am stronger for it. It took a very long time to get here.
Here's how I've applied it. As do most people in NYC, I live in an apartment. I have a neighbor downstairs. She likes to burn skunk-smelling "incense" every night when she gets home and all weekend long. My apartment smelled like a big skunk for days on end. I went downstairs and told her the smell was too much and asked her to please do something different so I could not smell it. I also told her I would talk to the landlord if it didn't stop. She agreed to stop. It NEVER stopped. I slipped a not so nice note under the door about it again. She, in turn, claimed that I was harassing her AND that my walking above was polluting her apartment with noise by shaking the walls and ceiling. It's a brick building with cement walls. Then, if I would walk in the apartment, she would beat her ceiling/my floor with something wherever I was walking. This went on for about a week.
So, I sat down and tried to figure out what was bothering me and why I was seeking out this chaos. Well, I was no contact at that point with xabf for a month, so there was no chaos or drama there. My work was going well, so chaos or drama there. My friendships have been good, not there either. If I created some, well, that was right back in comfort zone. Granted, I don't believe it was incense and part of me was upset that I was having to deal with yet another person's addiction, but I LOVE my apartment, so I didn't want to move. The truth is, I could have avoided all of that by going straight to the landlord to begin with. So, I let her pound on the ceiling and stink up my apartment. Each day, I reported to the landlord and let him deal with it. Come to find out, others began to complain about the smell too. The smell is no longer in my apartment each night. I have no clue what the landlord said or did to her. The beating on her ceiling/my floor has also stopped. So, the take away from all of this is that by sitting with myself, I learned why I was doing what I was doing AND I figured out a better, chaos free way to deal with the problem. By doing that, I got to keep my new found serenity and happiness. I also learned that trying to deal directly with her was just another way to try to control an addict's actions. WOW, was that familiar and comfortable! No more for me, thanks!
Hope this helps! If anyone has anymore suggestions, please post those too!!!
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 1,294
Great topic and post.
Thanks for giving your experiences in real life.
I think when I read other peoples specific examples, it helps me to see my situations in my own life, better. Sort of like trying on different viewing filters, and not getting stuck in the same perspective.
CLMI
Thanks for giving your experiences in real life.
I think when I read other peoples specific examples, it helps me to see my situations in my own life, better. Sort of like trying on different viewing filters, and not getting stuck in the same perspective.
CLMI
Member
Join Date: Feb 2009
Location: London, UK
Posts: 927
I hate dramas, I truly do. I'm all for a quiet life. But your story made me remember things that happened that have showed me how I got sucked into the ex's dramas. And how easy it is. Another example of my boundaries not matching me. My cost/benefit analysis was all out of sync.
Thank you for that post NYC :ghug
Thank you for that post NYC :ghug
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