What will happen to him?
Member
Join Date: May 2004
Location: Upstate New York
Posts: 1,636
Originally Posted by Broken22 
I went to some Al-anon meetings and the leader stops anyone from giving "advice". They push "learn to take care of yourself", but they don't really tell you how. I just really want someone to tell me what to do. Really. (I know, all I really want is an answer to the impossible: How do I get him to get sober.)
And it would seem from your posts that you see quite clearly just how well that is working -- for both of you.
He seems bound and determined to ride this train all the way to the brutal end. That is his choice and a choice that he has every right to make.
So, OK, it looks like he's going to ride this train to the brutal end...
....and you cannot and do not have the right to stop him.
Thus, the only question for you to answer is whether or not you're going to ride it to the brutal end for yourself, too?
Just as you do not have the right or the power to stop him from making that choice, no one here has the right or the power to tell you how you answer that question.
I know that this is not easy, but it really is that simple.
May you choose wisely --freya
Forward we go...side by side-Rest In Peace
Join Date: Jun 2002
Location: Serene In Dixie
Posts: 36,740
When you said he was unemployed
drinking daily for years
mentioned he was already on medication
had no other place to go......
I did think you were his financial support.
Excuse my mistake for thinking you were buying his booze.
My earlier post was based on my assumption.
Howecer....de tox is still the first step regardless
and it is only going to last if he chooses.
No one bought mine either....I had a job ... apartment
and was not taking medication for anything.
All my social circle were excessive drinkers at best.
I too drank daily in large ammounts.
Soooo....why did I finally quit?
I came to detest the woman drinking made me into.
I sincerely hope your husband comes to that point
of desperation before he is dead from alcoholism.
All my best
drinking daily for years
mentioned he was already on medication
had no other place to go......
I did think you were his financial support.
Excuse my mistake for thinking you were buying his booze.
My earlier post was based on my assumption.
Howecer....de tox is still the first step regardless
and it is only going to last if he chooses.
No one bought mine either....I had a job ... apartment
and was not taking medication for anything.
All my social circle were excessive drinkers at best.
I too drank daily in large ammounts.
Soooo....why did I finally quit?
I came to detest the woman drinking made me into.
I sincerely hope your husband comes to that point
of desperation before he is dead from alcoholism.
All my best
Last edited by CarolD; 04-26-2009 at 11:14 PM.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Wizard Land Downunder
Posts: 2,615
Guess all the others have said it for me, and I agree with them 100%. Sorry my dear that you have gone thru this hell for so many years, and can understand pretty much how you feel as have been there - twice. My exAH drank himself into a nursing home with stroke and dementia because he took my leaving him as the best excuse he'd ever had to down the bottle even more. My Abf has so far cleaned his act up and is getting help at last, as he can see what a dim future lay ahead for him if he kept drinking and me out of his life for good.
Sometimes we need to take off the rose coloured glasses and look REALITY right in it's sometimes very ugly face. By the way no-one gets to stand on their own two feet if they are constantly being carried, it only weakens them and tires out the carrier.
God bless
Sometimes we need to take off the rose coloured glasses and look REALITY right in it's sometimes very ugly face. By the way no-one gets to stand on their own two feet if they are constantly being carried, it only weakens them and tires out the carrier.
God bless
One foot in front of the other
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: York, PA
Posts: 27
Broken, did not fully read quite all of the posts here, but I saw a couple things you said that sounded a lot like me with my husband. We've been married over 3 years now, and I had the same desperation as you did...I felt like I could do NOTHING because he basically relied on me to live, and I couldn't live with pulling the rug out from under him and being scared of what would happen to him..as much as his drinking was killing me. But like a few others have said, they do find a place to go when you cut them off. They have to start living their own lives because you force them to when you stop helping. My husband went back to his dad's house...he was a lucky one who did have a place to run to. But there are others who live on the streets for a while. It might hurt to think of putting him in that position, but he is ultimately hurting you to the point where you're not going to be able to help him anyway. And he could be drinking himself to death like my husband was. At least if you force him to live on his own, he will finally realize the depths of his own problem (whether or not he chooses to fix it right away...or ever). In my situation, my AH just admitted himself to rehab finally...something he always refused to do when he was with me (because why would he have turned down the help I was providing?). Anyway I see you've gotten a lot of support, and I hope it's been helpful. Good luck.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: where the streets have no name
Posts: 1,078
Originally Posted by GiveLove
I'm sorry you're going through this. But in a way, I'm glad you've reached the end of your rope. No one should have to live like this.
Have you considered the possibility that he's this way BECAUSE HE CAN? Why should he change? You earn the income, you provide the health insurance, the roof over his head, the support, the security, the food, the social system, the reminders to take his medicine.....he is like a child. You do it all. What possible motive does he have to change?
What do people do? They get to the point where they realize that they're dealing with an adult who is capable of making his own choices. They get tired of enabling the alcoholic, and finally realize that it's their enabling that might be the very thing standing in the way of the alcoholic seeking help. They let go, and instead focus on the only thing they CAN control: themselves, and their own lives.
There are programs in every city for people with substance abuse problems. You cannot make him go, but you can save yourself. Interestingly, being allowed to hit bottom is often the final straw that GETS people to seek treatment.
I've found help and support for myself by attending Al-Anon meetings, by posting here, and through personal counseling....by focusing on myself, and my motives for staying in a relationship with an alcoholic. When I understood alcoholism better, and saw the role I played in staying enmeshed in it, then my path forward was much clearer.
Stick around - read around the forum and especially read the "Sticky" posts at the very top. Learn all you can about alcoholism and its effect on US. You don't have to do anything rash right now....but it is in your best interest to learn what you're up against, and build a support system for yourself.
Glad to volunteer us for the latter :ghug3
Have you considered the possibility that he's this way BECAUSE HE CAN? Why should he change? You earn the income, you provide the health insurance, the roof over his head, the support, the security, the food, the social system, the reminders to take his medicine.....he is like a child. You do it all. What possible motive does he have to change?
What do people do? They get to the point where they realize that they're dealing with an adult who is capable of making his own choices. They get tired of enabling the alcoholic, and finally realize that it's their enabling that might be the very thing standing in the way of the alcoholic seeking help. They let go, and instead focus on the only thing they CAN control: themselves, and their own lives.
There are programs in every city for people with substance abuse problems. You cannot make him go, but you can save yourself. Interestingly, being allowed to hit bottom is often the final straw that GETS people to seek treatment.
I've found help and support for myself by attending Al-Anon meetings, by posting here, and through personal counseling....by focusing on myself, and my motives for staying in a relationship with an alcoholic. When I understood alcoholism better, and saw the role I played in staying enmeshed in it, then my path forward was much clearer.
Stick around - read around the forum and especially read the "Sticky" posts at the very top. Learn all you can about alcoholism and its effect on US. You don't have to do anything rash right now....but it is in your best interest to learn what you're up against, and build a support system for yourself.
Glad to volunteer us for the latter :ghug3
Excellent superb post "stickie"???
Member
Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: where the streets have no name
Posts: 1,078
Originally Posted by naive
broken-
here's the answer: the best chance you have of getting him sober is to let him suffer the consequences of his drinking.
which means for you to let go and move on with your own life. it also normally means moving yourself (or him) out of there and going "no contact". this appears to have rather immediate results, as the A looses his main support and all of sudden, must deal (or not deal with) all of the millions of things that you do for him.
when/if you separate, the A is thrown into reality. the pattern appears to be that at this time, they start panicing and blaming you for their misfortune. you are to pay no attention to this and simply get on with your own life.
then, the A normally starts "quacking". again, you are to pay no attention. they will say the "i love yous, i'll change, i'm going to get sober" but in most cases, they don't really mean it and it is purely manipulation to get you back so that they can get back to their drinking in comfort.
again, here, you are to get on with your own life and hopefully, seek some sort of counseling or group therapy to begin to figure out why you tolerated the A's craziness and lies for so long.
as you take care of yourself, the A either:
1. hits bottom and begins to see for themselves that they need help.
2. gets another enabler to replace you
so, this is the best chance for his sobriety. it requires that one of you leave the house, in my opinion.
my advice at this stage would be to think of how one of you can move somewhere else and take a break from the relationship for awhile. it doesn't have to be forever but it sounds as though what you're living with is unacceptable. i know my situation became unacceptable.
it is good to now think of who can help you and ask them. this might mean friends, family or support organizations available to you.
there are a lot of people here who have walked a mile in your shoes and come out the other side. and sometimes, the A steps up to the movement and rejoins you and starts healing.
the pattern appears to be that it is unlikely that the A will take any steps towards healing if you remain enabling him.
here's the answer: the best chance you have of getting him sober is to let him suffer the consequences of his drinking.
which means for you to let go and move on with your own life. it also normally means moving yourself (or him) out of there and going "no contact". this appears to have rather immediate results, as the A looses his main support and all of sudden, must deal (or not deal with) all of the millions of things that you do for him.
when/if you separate, the A is thrown into reality. the pattern appears to be that at this time, they start panicing and blaming you for their misfortune. you are to pay no attention to this and simply get on with your own life.
then, the A normally starts "quacking". again, you are to pay no attention. they will say the "i love yous, i'll change, i'm going to get sober" but in most cases, they don't really mean it and it is purely manipulation to get you back so that they can get back to their drinking in comfort.
again, here, you are to get on with your own life and hopefully, seek some sort of counseling or group therapy to begin to figure out why you tolerated the A's craziness and lies for so long.
as you take care of yourself, the A either:
1. hits bottom and begins to see for themselves that they need help.
2. gets another enabler to replace you
so, this is the best chance for his sobriety. it requires that one of you leave the house, in my opinion.
my advice at this stage would be to think of how one of you can move somewhere else and take a break from the relationship for awhile. it doesn't have to be forever but it sounds as though what you're living with is unacceptable. i know my situation became unacceptable.
it is good to now think of who can help you and ask them. this might mean friends, family or support organizations available to you.
there are a lot of people here who have walked a mile in your shoes and come out the other side. and sometimes, the A steps up to the movement and rejoins you and starts healing.
the pattern appears to be that it is unlikely that the A will take any steps towards healing if you remain enabling him.
this should be a stickie
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