brokenrockstar

What do I do when he is intoxicated or high? Do I *pretend* that he's not? Am I allowed to not be around him? Do I say something like "your under the influence of something and I don't care to be around you"?

I guess what I am asking is... other than screaming, yelling, kicking, and crying, how to I tell him I don't like what he's doing?

Yesterday was an improvement. We worked around the yard together and we even made love. Wanna know why?!? Cause he was sober. It was so nice and I just couldn't get enough of him. I thanked him a million times for that time together and told him that I hope there are more of those days (without spelling out that he wasn't under the influence so I enjoyed his company). That was the closest I felt to him in a month.

I'm afraid I'm going to get my hopes up that today will be another one of those days. I'm just trying to prepare myself incase he comes home F'd up.

Freedom1990

I don't have any suggestions for you because I could not live with an active addict, nor will I ever again.

Angelic17

Well, your powerless over his addiction. There is no way you will be able to control it. If he is going to get loaded, he is going to do it. If he comes in high, very nicely tell him you have had enough. And that you will not associate with him when he is high. Go to a friend or relatives house, and if you have no other place to go, try another room, and silence. Fighting and arguing wont change a thing. I feel for you, but we all know that drug and alcohol abuse puts alot of strain on relationships. Just remember. Mean what you say, and say what you mean. No false threats that you wont carry through. You will never be taken seriously if you do that. Good Luck and Bless You. I hope you get a sober guy, but remember Love has nothing to do with stopping his addiction. If he can't stop. It doesn't mean he doesn't love you, it means he is sick with an addicted brain. Peace

TakingCharge999

I agree, put distance, silence, another room, leave the house...
Just like Freedom, I no longer want a partner once in a while, I want a partner to be with me ALL the time.. but that's just me...
Good luck ((hugs))

GiveLove

It's important to see the difference between these two things:

--He comes home high, and you leave because it makes you sick to your stomach to be around him like that, so you leave for your own sanity, and

--He comes home high, and you leave because you want to make a statement, and you're hoping and praying that you leaving will change his behavior next time, make him think "Hmmm, I guess I won't get high any more if it bothers her so much!", you leave to manipulate him

If he's an addict, the second scenario is not likely to ever happen. And if it does, it'll be just long enough to get you to come back, and then the pain will start all over again once you're hooked.

Me? After a lot of pain, I became so sickened by being around an alcoholic/addict that I came right out and said point blank: "It makes me sick to my stomach to be around you when you're high, and so I'm leaving. And if you don't choose to get help, I'll have no choice but to leave for good. I'm not living like this any more. I deserve more out of my life."

I too reached the point that my revulsion for his addiction overcame my craving to be with him. I grew some respect for myself, and saw my situation for what it was: me lowering my standards and staying with an addict who wouldn't get help for himself, and sank farther and farther into his addiction, trying to drag me with him.

prodigal

As an adult, you can allow yourself to do whatever you choose. I told my AH a number of times that I was uncomfortable being around an intoxicated person - not just him, ANY intoxicated person. Frequently, I left the house. Basically, I ignored him unless he was, in my opinion, encroaching on my space.

I had to tell him for several months how I felt. I never raised my voice. I remained calm. Apparently it got through. I refuse to argue, get roped into arguments, "discussions," or any other nonsense he may wish to engage in. Been there, done that, ain't going back.

Alcoholism is a progressive disease. I've seen first-hand how bad it can get, and just when I thought it couldn't get any worse, it did. JMO, but I pin no hopes for my hapiness in any way, shape, or form on an A getting sober. If it happens, great. But I found hapinesss by working on myself and leaving the A to do his own thing.

Rainbowsend

It's pointless telling him when he's drunk, engaging an alchoholic when drunk is just crazy making.

Seren

BRS,

I'm sorry you are having to endure this. I can only just imagine the struggle it is to be married to an active addict.

There is no law or moral obligation to remain in the same room, same house or anywhere near your husband when he is drunk. You can set the boundary that you don't want him around when he is drunk.....the logistics of this, as you can imagine, might be tough. Do you ask him to leave the house when he is barely capable of standing? Do you leave? Is it fair that you have to leave the comfort of your own home just because HE decided to get stinking drunk?

What happens when children appear on the scene? You could also pack them up and leave when he is drunk so that they are not exposed to his behavior either....but how realistic is that on any regular basis? If it's late at night and he returns home drunk: wake the kids, dress them, drive to a friend's or relative's or a hotel.......

People live with active addicts and have worked something out so that their lives have some measure of peace and joy. I am a firm believer in marriage vows. You are the one who has to decide how all of this will work best for you and for any children the come along.

Truly, very truly, I wish you the very best. Please keep posting, questioning, working it out here and in meetings. You will receive a lot of support from people who have gone through and are going through just what you are experiencing.

Hugs and prayers, HG