I am so Angry and So Hurt

Old 04-23-2009, 12:54 PM
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I am so Angry and So Hurt

I really thought life was finally smiling on me. I was the happiest I had ever been. My children are all doing well, I have a beautiful grandson and the man I have been waiting for my whole life. We had even taken the next step in our realationship and bought our first house together in October and it is more then I'd ever dreamed it would be. Boy, we had it all and it was good. So it was wonderful boyfriend, my 22 year old daughter (college) and myself living happily.....
Then it happened we got the call that my boyfriends brother was in trouble again with another probation violation from his several DWI's. We went to is house to find some information for him and realized that his brother was going to loose his house in a few days on the court house steps because he had not been making his payments we also learned of several other court dates coming up... We bailed him out, he lost his home and he moved in with us on house arrest the day after Christmas.
He had to blow in this machine twice a day to check if he was drinking and he did really well. He always passed and even though he is filthy and disrespectful I was glad that he was making an effort and really thought we were helping. He finished his House Arrest and I even offered to take him to dinner to celebrate...
I came home the day after his completion to find my daughter and him on the porch... He was really trashed and she was trying to stop him from leaving. It was horrible...We all went inside and he went to his room only to go missing a few hours later. DRIVING....He has now been drunk for a month....
He has made inappropriate remarks and gestures to my daughter... When I told my boyfreind he did nothing and defended him...When I told my girlfriend and she tried to help by talking to him he threatened me with black mail by telling my boyfriend about things we had talked about none of which sceret between my boyfriend and I in the first place and he said "He was not afraid to use a pool cue on me." Creep..... I went right to my boyfriend and told him everything and he did nothing and in fact was he mad at my girlfriend for trying to help and does not want me to hang out with her anymore. (She use to date his brother before he was a drinker.)
He has ruined the room we let him stay in and it will totally have to be re-done. (He smells really bad and I think he may have even pissed in the room.) He has burned holes in my carpet and coffee table. He becomes very rude and a know it all when he get pass a certain point (he always thinks and claims to be better then every one.) I pretty much have to stay in my room.
I have had it out with him only to get talked to by my boyfriend later about how we have to try to set an example and really I should try to be more caring...blah..blah...blah....
I know that my boyfriend loves his brother and the fact that their mother committed suicide infront of them when they were 12 and 10 years old does not help matters. My boyfriend feels like he has to take care of him being the eldest. But enough is enough....He really is not helping him and I do not want to deal with it.... I had a alcoholic step dad that died from his addiction.
No one in the has a clue all the trouble his brother has been in and that he has even loss his house. My boyfriend has told his daughter not to tell grandpa and grandma anything....He has totally lied and hid everything for his brother.
I have been in love with this man for 7 years and it has been the best relationship I have ever had. We have acomplished great things together and have been a good team. I now feel like a big change has taken place and his brother and his addiction is to blame. I do not feel I can trust my partner any longer. I feel like I really do not have a home... I am hurt and depressed... I can not even sleep without having nightmares about this jerk... I am lost....
What can I do???? Please any advise.....
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Old 04-23-2009, 01:12 PM
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I'm so sorry you're hurting, zoie.

Sometimes it takes a long time to discover that the person we thought was perfect......isn't.

I understand how it feels to have such a strong partnership and then have something happen that cracks it. It's a sick, sad feeling.

Is there a way, when the dust settles a bit, for you two to go in for counseling together? If you wanted to? At least you would know if there's any possibility of having back what you (thought you) had before.

Hugs to you
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Old 04-23-2009, 01:23 PM
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Anvil head.... I understand about the whole blood thing. Believe me being a child of a alcoholic step father and having to drug and alcoholic brothers I have had to deal with it.
But never have I supported the habbit or addiction. I do not want my partner to go down with the sinking ship....Nor do I .... It is our house 50/50. I owe his brother nothing...
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Old 04-23-2009, 01:54 PM
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Your right Anvil. Maybe I have made it too personal when I have talked to him before and I like the ideal of talking to him like his brother was just someone else (not related.) That way he does not feel he has to be on the defense.
His brother has not always been like this. I have even known him before booze...We were once friends and I guess that is part of the hurt. It is hard for me to understand the disrespect and self hate.
It may have not sinked in yet for my boyfriend about how sick his brother really is. He has never really been around this kind of problem...and often ask me "Why I think he has gotten so bad." I have had to tell him that he is not helping.......
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Old 04-23-2009, 02:18 PM
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Hi ZB-
Have you read any of the "stickies" at the top of the 1st page of this forum?
Here's two that might help you and H to realize you can stop takng brothers behavior personally.

It's a counterintuitive lesson - but I had to learn it too- because of the nature of alcoholism and addiction every time I chose to "help" my brothers (bail, money, pay their bills, place to crash, listen to their rants or weepy apologies, etc.) I was ACTUALLY helping the disease that is trying to kill them! I might as well have been handing them a scotch and soda.

AlAnon helped me turn my head around...it was a lifesaver!

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ddicts-do.html

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...y-clearer.html

peace,
b
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Old 04-23-2009, 02:54 PM
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Thank you Bernadette...
A good friend goes to Alaon.
She suggested going that maybe if my boyfriend sees me going maybe he will decide to go...
I just have never seen my boyfriend act this protective of anything. We both have hard demanding jobs and both usally look at it like this "You get what you work for."
It is just for some reason he protects the brother.
I have asked why and he just brings up his mothers suicide.
It doesn't make sense his brother once had it all together and I knew him before booze so blaming mothers suicide that happened years ago ??????????
I just feel like I am being the on to suffer for his brothers addicition. I do not work as hard as I do and pay as much as I do for my home to be disrespected in it....
We have a party this weekend and I think my boyfriend has bought a ring.....
I am scared that he is planning on asking me the big question...
Several months earlier I would be soooo excited. I have waited 19 years to be remarried.
Now.... I don't know....I can not deal with the fact he did not stand up for me with his brother and his addicition. He did not protect me.....SAD
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Old 04-23-2009, 03:20 PM
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"It doesn't make sense his brother once had it all together and I knew him before booze so blaming mothers suicide that happened years ago ??????????"

Zoie, people in SR and Out There have gone through similar tragic events, or worse, and we do not go around thinking our past suffering entitles us to destruction or disrespect.

When I told someone I had been emotionally abused, this person said "Oh, well, your ex has gone through a lot". So what. Me too. And I am not abusing anybody.

There is no excuse for this behaviour.

I can only imagine your hurt and anger. Please use it to move forward. You are in every right to be angry about the brother disrespecting your house, your daughter, and you.

If your partner is "preferring" his brother than you and your daughter, what are YOU going to do about this? Are you in individual therapy?

I hope you all the best during this difficult time. But think that all those disgusting comments from the brother and damages to your property, are just warning signs. Things can escalate very easily.

I know it sucks to be told this, but its better to see reality now that your daughter and you are still sane and healthy. Your mission is to protect your daughter from this madman and protect yourself.

I know how painful it is when you assume someone is there to protect you, and he does not. However, there is one thing you are missing. YOU can protect yourself. YOU are the best person for this job!! You are very intelligent, you are sane, and you have options.

We are here for you ((hugs))
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Old 04-23-2009, 09:42 PM
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I am uncomfortable being this blunt....but I think the last thing on your mind right now should be your relationship with your boyfriend and the SIREN that should be going off in your head is the very real risk of your daughter being raped.

A famous priest who works in the addiction field has said that incest is the unspoken dark secret in addiction.

Your daughter is not even the insane brother's blood relative. So what will he do to HER?

Why you are allowing this man--who is behaving like an animal and making "gestures" toward your daughter--anywhere within 100 MILES of her is stunningly inconceivable to me.

Your focus is on the wrong thing. I suggest you wake up. Get him out of there. And if it kills your wonderful relationship, so be it.
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Old 04-23-2009, 10:31 PM
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Originally Posted by ZoieBanks View Post
I just feel like I am being the on to suffer for his brothers addicition. I do not work as hard as I do and pay as much as I do for my home to be disrespected in it....Now.... I don't know....I can not deal with the fact he did not stand up for me with his brother and his addicition. He did not protect me.
You, and YOU ALONE have the ability to refuse to suffer for anyone's addiction. You don't want your home disrespected? Ask the brother to leave. If you bf decides to go along with him, what do you feel you have lost - really?

You cannot deal with your bf not standing up for you. So is a ring going to make a difference? He did not protect you.

Is this the type of man you want for a husband? You are being given the gift of a preview of what is to come - even more so - if you marry this man.

I guess it boils down to how badly you want to be married and the price you are willing to pay to have a ring on your finger. Sorry for sounding harsh and blunt, but I feel your situation merits such a response.
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Old 04-24-2009, 06:36 AM
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"I now feel like a big change has taken place and his brother and his addiction is to blame."

The brother's not the problem, your boyfriend's choices are.
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