miserable
A jug fills drop by drop
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
Hi Bluemoon!
Well down here in Guadalajara it is raining a lot, so you are not the only one doing laps inside! The day before yesterday I started with some yoga, so remember I am also pushing myself to do stuff even when I do not "feel" like it
Just go on with the laps!!
Did you hear the music I sent you? No music, no life! do you have any particular band or singer that reminds you of good times?
Have you tried drawing how you feel? It sounds dumb but it helps...
Cheers!
this is a good day with no room for fear
Thanks anvilhead, wonderful sentence, I will use it as I wake up anxious often!
Well down here in Guadalajara it is raining a lot, so you are not the only one doing laps inside! The day before yesterday I started with some yoga, so remember I am also pushing myself to do stuff even when I do not "feel" like it
Just go on with the laps!!
Did you hear the music I sent you? No music, no life! do you have any particular band or singer that reminds you of good times?
Have you tried drawing how you feel? It sounds dumb but it helps...
Cheers!
this is a good day with no room for fear
Thanks anvilhead, wonderful sentence, I will use it as I wake up anxious often!
once in a . . .
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2004
Location: looking in / looking out
Posts: 1,214
yeah, I like "No room for fear"!!! I hope I can remember it when I wake up in a panic! 
I'm haing a very hard time and called my pdoc and just heard back from his nurse with medication changes - I HATE MED CHANGES! But supposedly they could help so we'll see ---
I'm managing to do my laps everyday, even when I'm already sore like today. I'm not really doing anything else but check in here and watch tv - and do laps of course. I actually did them twice yesterday! I envision lifting weights or walking by the river and that helps a bit. I still hate it but I'm doing it.
I'm going to set the alarm clock to music and see how that helps (I don't need the alarm clock) -
It really helps to have all of you and to have a place to whine - thank you!
Blue
I'm haing a very hard time and called my pdoc and just heard back from his nurse with medication changes - I HATE MED CHANGES! But supposedly they could help so we'll see ---
I'm managing to do my laps everyday, even when I'm already sore like today. I'm not really doing anything else but check in here and watch tv - and do laps of course. I actually did them twice yesterday! I envision lifting weights or walking by the river and that helps a bit. I still hate it but I'm doing it.
I'm going to set the alarm clock to music and see how that helps (I don't need the alarm clock) -
It really helps to have all of you and to have a place to whine - thank you!
Blue
once in a . . .
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2004
Location: looking in / looking out
Posts: 1,214
got to talk to my "phone friend" yesterday - she's going to be back sooner than what I'd realized and so next Friday we have plans to go to a mtg I'm really nervous about it but I also know it's gonna be good for me to get back into that habit - and then I can get a phone list with hopefully women who are available during the day -
"No Room for Fear" helped some when I woke up in a panic this morning - I finally knew what to do when I felt like that and I lay there and repeated it like a mantra - it helped to break up the panic mantras that usually run thru my head
still not sleeping very well and that could be partly because of the heat here in the midwest -
I don't feel very well at all and that's weird cuz I think this post sounds more positive than negative ???? Hmmmmmm ...
thanks for hanging out with me
Blue
I'm really nervous about it but I also know it's gonna be good for me to get back into that habit - and then I can get a phone list with hopefully women who are available during the day - "No Room for Fear" helped some when I woke up in a panic this morning - I finally knew what to do when I felt like that and I lay there and repeated it like a mantra - it helped to break up the panic mantras that usually run thru my head
still not sleeping very well and that could be partly because of the heat here in the midwest -
I don't feel very well at all and that's weird cuz I think this post sounds more positive than negative ???? Hmmmmmm ...
thanks for hanging out with me
Blue
A jug fills drop by drop
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
Hi Blue!
Today I am feeling so-so, and I write my posts with happy faces, positive attitude, LOL I dont know how that happens??
I am very excited for you, keep up the good work!!!!!!
I like that you keep checking in,
Today I am feeling so-so, and I write my posts with happy faces, positive attitude, LOL I dont know how that happens??
I am very excited for you, keep up the good work!!!!!!
I like that you keep checking in,
once in a . . .
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2004
Location: looking in / looking out
Posts: 1,214
it really feels helpful to have someone to check in with! Helps me keep track of ME better than even a journal ... I appreciate the feedback
why are you excited for me??? I think I missed something!
Hooray for Friday nights! RAH will be home from his mtg soon and then we get to just crash in front to the tv - ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh - it's a good life when I don't get in it's way!
why are you excited for me??? I think I missed something!
Hooray for Friday nights! RAH will be home from his mtg soon and then we get to just crash in front to the tv - ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh - it's a good life when I don't get in it's way!
A jug fills drop by drop
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
I am excited you will go to a meeting very soon, and that even if you do not feel like it, you keep doing your laps. You know, BlueMoon, I love you are constant - it is quite ironic, because you say you "can't do it" and you have been "doing it" all these weeks already!
I just have one suggestion - why not start a new thread? or do you still feel "miserable" like the first post? Hopefully not!
I agree with you 100%, life is wonderful... when I do not go against it!
:ghug3
I just have one suggestion - why not start a new thread? or do you still feel "miserable" like the first post? Hopefully not
!I agree with you 100%, life is wonderful... when I do not go against it!
:ghug3
once in a . . .
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2004
Location: looking in / looking out
Posts: 1,214
did *I* say that bout life being wonderful?!?! how weird - it's not how I FEEL most of the time - maybe it's one of those things that I "know" --??
I still feel miserable alot of/most of the time - it's a constant major struggle to keep going on and to keep doing things like laps and checking in here even -
today I have to groom my rabbit and I just SO don't want to! at least it's a cooler day and he'll be in a better mood for it - grooming little animals when you're in a bad mood is not a good idea and that's got me feeling really anxious on top of the anxiety that I woke up with ---
"No room for fear" has become my mantra and it usually helps a little bit
going down on the dosage of this latest med really sucks
I'm not sleeping - still way too much anxiety - still hanging in there I guess
RAH is making breakfast so time to go ---
I still feel miserable alot of/most of the time - it's a constant major struggle to keep going on and to keep doing things like laps and checking in here even -
today I have to groom my rabbit and I just SO don't want to! at least it's a cooler day and he'll be in a better mood for it - grooming little animals when you're in a bad mood is not a good idea and that's got me feeling really anxious on top of the anxiety that I woke up with ---
"No room for fear" has become my mantra and it usually helps a little bit
going down on the dosage of this latest med really sucks
I'm not sleeping - still way too much anxiety - still hanging in there I guess
RAH is making breakfast so time to go ---
once in a . . .
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2004
Location: looking in / looking out
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it's a constant struggle to NOT feel depressed and I try to remind myself that this part IS TEMPORARY cuz of med changes ...
I'm still having problems sleeping and so then I stay in bed too late in the morning and that just makes it worse I think, even tho I'm not sleeping
I'm doing my damned exercises everyday, they're only a few minutes long and so I find myself just getting up and DOING it so I can get a smilie sticker on the calendar - *ppfffft*
there is a very large woman who walks past my window every day at the same time and I'm pretty sure that's her exercise - I wish I could tell her how jealous I am of her, that she can walk outside for blocks and blocks - I wish I could be her walking buddy -
ahhh, isn't funny how your fantasy life CHANGES when you get older!?!?
I'm fighting the urge to put smilies in here - I don't FEEL like smilies and I'm trying to "write honestly" --
Blue
I'm still having problems sleeping and so then I stay in bed too late in the morning and that just makes it worse I think, even tho I'm not sleeping
I'm doing my damned exercises everyday, they're only a few minutes long and so I find myself just getting up and DOING it so I can get a smilie sticker on the calendar - *ppfffft*
there is a very large woman who walks past my window every day at the same time and I'm pretty sure that's her exercise - I wish I could tell her how jealous I am of her, that she can walk outside for blocks and blocks - I wish I could be her walking buddy -
ahhh, isn't funny how your fantasy life CHANGES when you get older!?!?
I'm fighting the urge to put smilies in here - I don't FEEL like smilies and I'm trying to "write honestly" --
Blue
A jug fills drop by drop
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
Now I will proceed to whine myself
I slept 5 hours and am sleeping at work.. can't wait to go home and get some sleep
Some days NOTHING cheers you up.
However I am starting to believe the "nothing changes if nothing changes" if you do not do any different or make an effort, you will keep feeling the same way you know?
Not to say you "should" be doing anything else.
Just a friendly reminder its all your choice, even with meds, illness, breakups, deaths, tragic and traumatic events and memories.. its your choice to make things that make you feel slightly better even in the midst of chaos and external sources of frustration... and if you do not know what it is that makes you feel good.. well find out
Feelings have always controlled me but I am starting to believe I can control them and for the really sucky ones, shed a different light to them... and change them for more than what they were worth.
Garfield comics are also great, the other day I hid under the bed covers with a new guy I am seeing and no, my sex drive is ZERO so we just read Garfield comics with a flashlight. Planning to do it again.
Life does not get better than that...
I slept 5 hours and am sleeping at work.. can't wait to go home and get some sleep
Some days NOTHING cheers you up.
However I am starting to believe the "nothing changes if nothing changes" if you do not do any different or make an effort, you will keep feeling the same way you know?
Not to say you "should" be doing anything else.
Just a friendly reminder its all your choice, even with meds, illness, breakups, deaths, tragic and traumatic events and memories.. its your choice to make things that make you feel slightly better even in the midst of chaos and external sources of frustration... and if you do not know what it is that makes you feel good.. well find out
Feelings have always controlled me but I am starting to believe I can control them and for the really sucky ones, shed a different light to them... and change them for more than what they were worth.
Garfield comics are also great, the other day I hid under the bed covers with a new guy I am seeing and no, my sex drive is ZERO so we just read Garfield comics with a flashlight. Planning to do it again.
Life does not get better than that...
once in a . . .
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2004
Location: looking in / looking out
Posts: 1,214
However I am starting to believe the "nothing changes if nothing changes" if you do not do any different or make an effort, you will keep feeling the same way you know?
) -I was reading thru this post (THANK YOU EVERYONE!) and realized that not very long ago (2-3 weeks) I could only walk for 2 minutes and now I'm up to 5 - I haven't lost any weight YET and yes i think that it should just MAGICALLY disapear -----
that little frog is my new favorite, it just suits me right now
I'm starting to get anxious about going to the mtg Fri nite! *geesh*
90% of it will be women that I've known for years and they're all nice - I just hate for ANYone to see me in the condition I've let myself get into in this past year and 1/2 ---
(and then I shudder to think what if it takes me that long to get back?!? *sob*)
Blue
ps - did you get some sleep? I know how awful it is to go without enough!
and a final whoop
Member
Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: NH
Posts: 31
Big hugs to you! I wish I had a perfect answer for you... I am not overweight but I am currently totally obsessed with my weight and losing more and more and exercising and finding myself growing more miserable by the day. The thing that helps me is talking to others and admitting how I am feeling. It doesn't change the reality of what I feel day to day but the first step for me is at least talking about how I feel. Please reach out to me anytime. I might not have a solution, but I am a good listener.
once in a . . .
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2004
Location: looking in / looking out
Posts: 1,214
There's construction/roofing going on somewhere in the neighborhood and i've woken to the sound of a nail gun everyday these past 3 days - about an hour before I usually get up. I lay there and try to ignore it and tell myself they'll stop in a minute but they don't so I give up and get up --- and then they stop for the day! grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr
I'm still not sleeping very well - I haven't in a long time and I know it affects my moods and my anxiety levels -
still bouncing up + down from the med changes I'm going thru - so still having major anxiety attacks, especially when I first get up for the day -
feeling very codependent - wishing RAH could talk me to the mtg Friday instead of my friend (who kinda makes me nuts) - um, did I mention that it's a WOMEN'S MTG?? *geesh* - am I SICK or WHAT!? don't answer, I know ---
I'm having a hard time letting go of the past and past worries ---
I hate anxiety attacks - they're so damned irrational and I KNOW that they are ---
I just feel physically ill today
I'm still not sleeping very well - I haven't in a long time and I know it affects my moods and my anxiety levels -
still bouncing up + down from the med changes I'm going thru - so still having major anxiety attacks, especially when I first get up for the day -
feeling very codependent - wishing RAH could talk me to the mtg Friday instead of my friend (who kinda makes me nuts) - um, did I mention that it's a WOMEN'S MTG?? *geesh* - am I SICK or WHAT!? don't answer, I know ---
I'm having a hard time letting go of the past and past worries ---
I hate anxiety attacks - they're so damned irrational and I KNOW that they are ---
I just feel physically ill today
A jug fills drop by drop
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
Hi Bluemoon oh I also suffer from anxiety in the morning... no meds yet but may re start again... 
Hope you don't mind me whining in your thread.
Well, about the noise, if it makes you feel any better, i got a neighbor that SINGS HER HEART OUT.. but thats not the worse part... she singS REALLY BADDDDDD and no i cant do anything... i hate it i cannot be in silence in my own apartment... i bught some ear plugs for swimmers and then put the radio. seems to do the trick, perhaps you can ask RAH to go to a sports shop and buy some for you?
Did you suffer anxiety attacks before alcoholism touched your life? I had never suffered similar , just after I knew alcoholism.
Today I ran into xabf 395749363169 times (well only 4) and I am just tired of this all. I started getting anxious but I have released so much emotions that I am just tired and depleted of energy right now. But I was able to think "was him really so extraordinary, or DID I MAKE HIM LOOK extraordinary?" he is not such a good person after all. For a brief moment I was able to think "thank god i am OUT whatever he does is not my prob anymore"
It helps to have so much work..it distracts me
Later I got a doc's app. then more work at 9pm... THEN I may be able to see a friend.
I am just tired and want to curl up in a ball!!!
Sorry for my rant. Bluemoon.. if you let go of the past and worries one day.. tell me how you did it!
Hope you don't mind me whining in your thread.
Well, about the noise, if it makes you feel any better, i got a neighbor that SINGS HER HEART OUT.. but thats not the worse part... she singS REALLY BADDDDDD and no i cant do anything... i hate it i cannot be in silence in my own apartment... i bught some ear plugs for swimmers and then put the radio. seems to do the trick, perhaps you can ask RAH to go to a sports shop and buy some for you?
Did you suffer anxiety attacks before alcoholism touched your life? I had never suffered similar , just after I knew alcoholism.
Today I ran into xabf 395749363169 times (well only 4) and I am just tired of this all. I started getting anxious but I have released so much emotions that I am just tired and depleted of energy right now. But I was able to think "was him really so extraordinary, or DID I MAKE HIM LOOK extraordinary?" he is not such a good person after all. For a brief moment I was able to think "thank god i am OUT whatever he does is not my prob anymore"
It helps to have so much work..it distracts me
Later I got a doc's app. then more work at 9pm... THEN I may be able to see a friend.
I am just tired and want to curl up in a ball!!!
Sorry for my rant. Bluemoon.. if you let go of the past and worries one day.. tell me how you did it!
once in a . . .
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2004
Location: looking in / looking out
Posts: 1,214
Having a really rough time lately but also in a good mood - makes no sense and I s'pose it's the Lithium decrease? I have developed this phobia for bathing and I stink and look straggley. RAH even bought me a hand-held shower head and it's nice but I only used it once in a week and now I stink and look awful again - I know it's the whole SIZE issue but I'm working on that aren't I? It's been 2 weeks now and it feels like forever and nothing has changed yet --- except that I'm trying now and I wasn't before and that should count for something but I still can't look in the mirror and so it doesn't ----
The Lithium decrease seems to have helped the depression/anxiety somewhat - I don't spend all day being afraid of losing RAH, that he's gonna drink - I'm breathing is better, less panic-related shortness of breath - so THAT is good! I slept really good last night (for me) and I hope that marks the beginning of a trend too -
tomorrow I'm s'posed to go to the women's mtg with my friend and I'm scared to because it means that I have to shower and look human --- and it means that I have to walk -- do I bring my cane? yes, cuz it helps -- I feel dumb that I need a cane
I know alot of this is just that I'm out of practise and it's giong to take walking thru some discomfort but all this KNOWING doesn't help the FEELINGS go away ........
TakingCharge - I was born into an alcoholic family and so always had THAT influence -- always with the anxiety and depression ---
gawd - I'll take construction noise any day (over singing neighbors!) -- at least I know they'll be done in a few more days -- but yeah it's awful when unwanted sound invades MY SPACE - loud MUSIC is the worst and has me calling the cops
I'm jealous your day is so busy and I wish I could do 1/2 of it!
but that's just sour grapes -
as for getting up in the morning - it remains a struggle - I'm experimenting with music before I even get out of bed - kinda to change the channel in my brain - we'll see how that goes
The Lithium decrease seems to have helped the depression/anxiety somewhat - I don't spend all day being afraid of losing RAH, that he's gonna drink - I'm breathing is better, less panic-related shortness of breath - so THAT is good! I slept really good last night (for me) and I hope that marks the beginning of a trend too -
tomorrow I'm s'posed to go to the women's mtg with my friend and I'm scared to because it means that I have to shower and look human --- and it means that I have to walk -- do I bring my cane? yes, cuz it helps -- I feel dumb that I need a cane
I know alot of this is just that I'm out of practise and it's giong to take walking thru some discomfort but all this KNOWING doesn't help the FEELINGS go away ........
TakingCharge - I was born into an alcoholic family and so always had THAT influence -- always with the anxiety and depression ---
gawd - I'll take construction noise any day (over singing neighbors!) -- at least I know they'll be done in a few more days -- but yeah it's awful when unwanted sound invades MY SPACE - loud MUSIC is the worst and has me calling the cops
I'm jealous your day is so busy and I wish I could do 1/2 of it!
but that's just sour grapes -
as for getting up in the morning - it remains a struggle - I'm experimenting with music before I even get out of bed - kinda to change the channel in my brain - we'll see how that goes
once in a . . .
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2004
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decided i'm not up to the mtg this week and will try again next week -
watching the Twilight Zone marathon on the SciFi channel -
i've slept alot better than usual the last few nights + wonder if that's from the lithium as well?
did my laps and stuff - still extrememely anxious - RAH is off doing errands in the midst of a major July 4th festival and I'm getting anxious for him to be home ---
watching the Twilight Zone marathon on the SciFi channel -
i've slept alot better than usual the last few nights + wonder if that's from the lithium as well?
did my laps and stuff - still extrememely anxious - RAH is off doing errands in the midst of a major July 4th festival and I'm getting anxious for him to be home ---
A jug fills drop by drop
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
hi bluemoon!!
i am so envious, i LOVE the twilight zone!!!!!!! i do not own a tv (by personal choice) but that is a program i miss....
now time to get my butt out in the pouring rain to gather some medicines and food.. and a movie as my guy will be arriving soon...
hang in there friend! i am glad you are sleeping better..........
i am anxious because this Big Potential Customer is visiting the company and i may be asked some questions infront of everybody on monday, need to prepare, there's a lot of pressure
damn, i don't know when life started to be so difficult? i feel unmotivated for the most part. but we are on the right track........ hope u can make it to the next meeting! i havent been in one for weeks and do i need them...
i am so envious, i LOVE the twilight zone!!!!!!! i do not own a tv (by personal choice) but that is a program i miss....
now time to get my butt out in the pouring rain to gather some medicines and food.. and a movie as my guy will be arriving soon...
hang in there friend! i am glad you are sleeping better..........
i am anxious because this Big Potential Customer is visiting the company and i may be asked some questions infront of everybody on monday, need to prepare, there's a lot of pressure
damn, i don't know when life started to be so difficult? i feel unmotivated for the most part. but we are on the right track........ hope u can make it to the next meeting! i havent been in one for weeks and do i need them...
once in a . . .
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2004
Location: looking in / looking out
Posts: 1,214
TakingCharge - the SciFi channel has a Twilight Zone marathon every 4th of July and for 3 days they play almost every single episode ever made - it's fun
I'm not sure if the laps are necessarily getting "easier' - no, they really aren't cuz I keep increasing the time and so it feels just as awful as it did --- but I'm up from barely 2 minutes to 5 minutes and so I guess that's a good that even tho I hate every second of it
oops a smilie face!
my legs are soooo sore and I'm trying to figure out some strictly leg exercises to strengthen and stretch them out a bit more - my back is doing ok, not too sore just a little stiff, but totally acceptable considering how out of shape I am - my legs are sore enough that I don't want to exercise but I know exercise will actually help loosen them back up, at least for the day
gotta go finish waking up -
Blue
I'm not sure if the laps are necessarily getting "easier' - no, they really aren't cuz I keep increasing the time and so it feels just as awful as it did --- but I'm up from barely 2 minutes to 5 minutes and so I guess that's a good that even tho I hate every second of it
oops a smilie face!
my legs are soooo sore and I'm trying to figure out some strictly leg exercises to strengthen and stretch them out a bit more - my back is doing ok, not too sore just a little stiff, but totally acceptable considering how out of shape I am - my legs are sore enough that I don't want to exercise but I know exercise will actually help loosen them back up, at least for the day
gotta go finish waking up -
Blue
once in a . . .
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2004
Location: looking in / looking out
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i'm trying a new thing -whenevener the anxiety levels are reaching critical mass, I get up and do my laps. It seems to be helping a bit ... at least the feeling of accomplishment diminishes the anxiety a bit and that's welcome!
still going thru med changes and kinda up and down with that - but mostly it seems positive
Last night, RAH was moaning about the fact that he has "man boobs" ...
now considering that I am at least 75 pounds overweight and he is maybe 25, I found it extremely hilarious!! It was all I could do to not laugh but he was really upset and must've just noticed and I KNOW how awful that feeling is (like when I realized how truly BIG my butt is!) poor RAH ... maybe he'll quit bringing so many snacks home all the time - tho I am doing better at not eating them ALL, they still find their way to my belly, hips, thighs and butt!
I woke up this morning and RAH was gone and for once it was OK cuz I know he's out on the lake fishing with a friend wo has 30+ yrs of soberiety. For once he's not here and I'M NOT WORRYING - man, I wish I cold save this feeling in a shoebox and keep it, I like it alot! Not like all the OTHER days ... when even tho his poles are gone, I knew he was drinking ---
Blue
still going thru med changes and kinda up and down with that - but mostly it seems positive
Last night, RAH was moaning about the fact that he has "man boobs" ...
now considering that I am at least 75 pounds overweight and he is maybe 25, I found it extremely hilarious!! It was all I could do to not laugh but he was really upset and must've just noticed and I KNOW how awful that feeling is (like when I realized how truly BIG my butt is!) poor RAH ... maybe he'll quit bringing so many snacks home all the time - tho I am doing better at not eating them ALL, they still find their way to my belly, hips, thighs and butt!
I woke up this morning and RAH was gone and for once it was OK cuz I know he's out on the lake fishing with a friend wo has 30+ yrs of soberiety. For once he's not here and I'M NOT WORRYING - man, I wish I cold save this feeling in a shoebox and keep it, I like it alot! Not like all the OTHER days ... when even tho his poles are gone, I knew he was drinking ---
Blue
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