miserable

Old 06-16-2009, 08:47 AM
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well. I made it through yesterday with only a little anxiety ... (falls down laughing)

we took a cab there even tho it's only 5 blocks, I just couldn't do it on top of having an anxiety attack - arrg

the apt went well and we changed the dosages of meds and I don't have to go off of the one - *whew*
the changes will make me TIRED for a couple days while I adjust to it ..... I feel like my pdoc is FINALLY understanding the level of stress/anxiety/panic I live in and I'm feeling a bit more hopefully that I'll be able to FUNCTION (once I wake up )

I walked home - with ALOT of reststops - but I made it - not much choice actually! either keep walking or stay in the parking lot .... nah ... RAH would've called a cab to take me a block if I had needed it it's really sweet but it's also part of what got me to where I am now - he pampers me to the point of enabling me and it's really hard to catch it and say "No thank you" - expecially when I'm feeling like hell -

my legs are REALLY SORE today and I have to confess that I haven't been doing my apt laps the last few days - I justified that by saying well, I hurt my back doing exercises and so I'm just not doing any thing til I feel better -(sticks tongue out) -- well -the thing is I'm not going to feel better at ALL if I don't do some everyday - like I have to work the program everyday. ... hmmmmmmmmmm ... just made that connection - sometimes it hurts but you still need to do it anyway or it'll NEVER STOP hurting .... I'll have to think about that

I'm also tryihng REALLY HARD to NOT sit cross-legged cuz it hurts my legs even more. It's a very hard habit to break and it's VERY uncomfortable to sit with my legs straight!

I HATE "getting better" ......
almost as much as I hate being in pain .... I'm learning that sitting in it hurts more tho

Blue
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Old 06-16-2009, 10:42 AM
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You went from walking laps around your apartment to walking five city blocks home? (who cares about rest stops...I take rest stops...)

Way to go, bluemoon! Yeah, maybe you'll be tender today, but that's just your muscles putting themselves back together. Drink a lot of water, and eat some lean protein to help them do their job.

And see if you can't do at least a lap or two today or tomorrow. Moving them around helps get the icky by-products out of your cells and will help the pain go away faster.

Glad you checked in -- I like that you check in here every day
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Old 06-16-2009, 11:14 AM
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Hi Blue,

Loved hearing about your outing with your sun, gabbing in the car, just getting out for a little bit and laughing. There's some suffering in life, and there are some times you're just about defeated. Maybe it's better to lose some of the battles in the struggles for your dreams than to be defeated without ever knowing what you're fighting for.

Walking by the river sounds really nice. I remember when I couldn't walk for a summer, finally I was able to swim before I could walk.

Out the door, into a bathing suit, and into the water--would your doctor approve if it's easier on your degenerative disc? It could be getting to the pool seems like an insurmountable challenge--or maybe the only place to swim is the river?

Only the man who crosses the river at night knows the value of the light of day.
Chinese Proverb
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Old 06-16-2009, 01:12 PM
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GiveLove -omg thank you!!! - I totally did't see it in that perspective, I saw it as "yeah, I had to stop 50 baziliion times ...." -- If I can't do it perfect then I did it WRONG ...

Drank alot a water today but not much to drink and in a fit of self pity, have decided that (read this in a whiny voice) "I don't HAVE TO do any laps today if I don't want to! (now stick your tongue out)

I need to find that little voice and make friends with it! She's too into self-sabotage ......

My back is stiff and my legs HURT. I feel like SUCH A WIMP for being so sore when I only did such a very little bit - I hate it!

I wish there was an easier, faster, PAINLESS way to do all of this -- but I know there's not and THAT just really gives me a baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaad attitude

Covington - excellent points to think about!

As for the river. It's a pretty place to walk to/by. The part by my house is also by the university and so it's kept up nicely. Swimming in it would be a NO-NO. A couple blocks further north and there's where RAH likes to go fishing there and is anxious for me to be able to come with him. I used to do that in another lifetime ------

Are we SURE there isn't there an EASY way to get my life back??? *heavy sigh* I guess not

RAH has to remind me constantly to "SLOW DOWN A BIT" - it seems like if I'm going to walk , I want to walk FAST like I could before. No - I think it's that I want tot get to the end "NOW" !!
Have I mentioned that I HATE this and that I REALLY AREPRECIATE having y'all to talk to??

Thank you all!

Blue
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Old 06-16-2009, 02:01 PM
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Thanks Blue!!

Are we SURE there isn't there an EASY way to get my life back???


I understand the desperation... I also get impatient lately with myself, about how I do not exercise enough, "move on" quickly enough when xAH seems to be surfing, and well, just anyone out there seems to be enjoying their life and I am totally stuck and nostalgic and falling to the same old traps.

But as long as you keep focus on your goal... and do not lose sight of it.. you will be OK

And I also do rest stops, and I am 27 and supposedly should have all the energy in the world, I just don't!! My apartment is 4 stories high and I pant so much.. not to mention when I am carry bags and have to take the stairs 2 or 3 times LOL

Easy does it. SMALL STEPS!! Baby steps... snail steps... as long as they are STEPS... its good stuff!!
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Old 06-16-2009, 02:46 PM
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"Snail steps"
LOL
Well.. you got what I mean LOL
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Old 06-16-2009, 02:47 PM
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Ant steps, perhaps? would be the tiniest ones?

UGH, been working too much
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Old 06-16-2009, 07:18 PM
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Hey there Blue, and pleased to "meet" you


Originally Posted by BlueMoon View Post
...Are we SURE there isn't there an EASY way to get my life back??? *heavy sigh* I guess not...
Depends on what _kind_ of life you want back. I dunno about you, but I want the _best_ life I can possibly dream of. I'm not going to settle for some second-rate, leftover life. I believe that anything easy to get, is easy for a reason. If it's hard to get that means it's worth it.

I'm dating a charming young lady who comes from a very strong family. Her brothers are Marines, uncle in the Navy, aunt is FBI, etc. etc. The ones that aren't military are bikers. This is one _hard_ bunch. She's gotta big sign on the fridge, to remind her of the proper way to set out into the day every morning.

"What doesn't kill you makes you stronger".

So yes, there _are_ easier lives, but I think you deserve better. You deserve a life that is "happy, joyous and free". And that kind of life takes a little more effort

Mike
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Old 06-17-2009, 12:09 AM
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Sometimes it seems like half the work is concentrating and picking a couple of goals for the day and not giving up just because I didn't get very far with them yesterday.

While I was walking the dog today I was thinking about you getting further and further away from the house. I was hoping you stepped outside too. That's my goal for the next week. Just walking the dog & eating OK & buildling up some muscle again.

I realized this past Tuesday I had not seen a sunset for over a year, and I broke down crying. How could I have shut myself in for all that time???
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Old 06-17-2009, 08:29 AM
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ahhh - thank you for the pep talk(s)!

I'm going to sit here and re-read them til they REALLY sink in
- I think snails are slower - ants tend to scurry around too much to really be SLOW

in the past, I'd have thought that THIS IS an easy life - I mean come on, I don't *DO* anything -- NOTHING -- WHY?!? WHY am I doing this to myself and to RAH!? I am just so stuck in this deep rut -

we used to say that too "What doesn't kill you ...." How come I feel so damned WEAK then? huh? how come?! tell me THAT! There has been ALOT of crap come down the shoot the last couple years and I s'pose I should give myself credit for getting thru it and not totally losing it .... but I HAVE lost it - I can't manage to be positive about still having my apt and my bunny and getting RAH back ... I can't f'ing WALK and I'm p'd off about it .... about not realizing that that's what I was doing ... I'm p'd off that it feels like I am being punished ... I'm p'd off that if HURTS to do anything but sit on my fat butt

there are SO many things I can't do that I used to really enjoy and I am starting to think about them and looking forward to them and then I can't even walk 4 blocks and it just utterly destroys me - today my goal is to start doing my laps again and to practise walking slow and being OK with it - no, it's not as good as walking by the river but at least it's a small start - and I'm already starting to feel bad and whiny that I prob'ly won't be able to do more than 3 minutes

and why are there so many smiley faces in here when I feel so rotten today!??
Even when I'm trying to be open and honest, I feel the need to mask how bad I really feel ... *heavy sigh*

Thank you all for sitting with me and offering encouragement - I DO appreciate it even while resenting that I need it ... blah ... I'm going to go re-read everything and then do laps


Blue
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Old 06-17-2009, 08:45 AM
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whew! I did it, I walked 3 minutes worth of laps and lived ... sore tho ... out of breath by the end *grimace*

I think I just figured something out - back in the stone ages when I was a weight lifter, (yep for real) - there was a fairly instant gratification in it, there was a R*U*S*H* and it made up for any soreness and pain ---

there's no RUSH to this now - there's just soreness and pain and the gratifcation (being able to walk without pain) is way down the road out of sight -- and when I do exercises, I have to be careful to NOT overdo it or I'm too sore for the next 3 days, even just sitting .... that's HARD! I'm used to PUSHING myself and I can't now and I'm haivng a hard time finding the middle ground and I feel SO WIMPY just walking for 3 minutes and just doing 5 - 10 repitions of 2-3 exercises ... wimpy wimpy wimpy
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Old 06-17-2009, 09:00 AM
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I feel like SUCH A WIMP for being so sore when I only did such a very little bit - I hate it!

I feel SO WIMPY just walking for 3 minutes and just doing 5 - 10 repitions of 2-3 exercises ... wimpy wimpy wimpy

Blue will you stop being so dang hard on yourself!

You were a weightlifter so you know even an Olympic sprinter is sore on a daily basis. It is a GOOD sign.

The last thing we can control - that NO ONE can touch or take away from us is our attitude.

So here's a mantra for you "Proud to be a Wimp!!" because that wimp in you seems to be MOVING and may just be the best part of you! Salvation and change come in many forms - embrace your inner wimp and maybe start calling her "champ!"

Like try substituting Champ in the above quotes for wimp
I feel like such a Champ just walking for 3 minutes and just doing 5 - 10 repitions of 2-3 exercises ... Champ, Champ Champ!!

I feel like SUCH A Champ for being so sore when I only did such a very little bit - I LOVE it!


Defend yourself from that critical inner voice -- who else is going to protect the vulnerable girl inside you!!!!!!!? Be HER champ!!

I think you're making strides - doesn't matter how small - keep it up and try positive self-talk, Champ!

(((((hugs)))))
b
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Old 06-17-2009, 10:59 AM
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thank you so much - I REALLY need that! I am feeling soooooo depressed and trying to figure out WHY ... there's no reason and so I'm thinking it's still mood-swings from the med changes ....

I really like the chants! I'm gonna use the wimp one cuz it does seem that it's the wimp in me that's doing these things ---

now I'm gonna just flop and watch tv cuz I feel baaaad and I've already done my laps so I can


Blue

Last edited by BlueMoon; 06-17-2009 at 11:01 AM. Reason: my muscles WISH they were sore from lifting weights!!! I's a whole 'nother feeling than it is right now
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Old 06-18-2009, 09:46 AM
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Ok, I don't want to admit this, even to myself but ....
Just over a year ago, I confided to my therapist that I was so HAPPY I just couldn't stand it!
Then, now-RAH relapsed. On our 16th anniversary. (Of all the f'ing NERVE) I wasn't happy any more. I haven't been happy since then. What's got me depressed is that finally, after all these years, I have quit believing in him and his ability to be sober. I ALWAYS believed in him before and it hurts not to. I live in constant fear that he won't come home ...

*sigh*

that said - I did my laps and read CtC ...

today is our 17th anniversary ... all in all, it's been more good than bad - and I DO love him
tomorrow is his 1 year sober anniversary ... I used to feel guilty for having more time than him and it used to feel ackward. Now, I am grateful for the "anchor" of all that time (mine).


Blue
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Old 06-18-2009, 10:21 AM
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Hi BlueMoon,

It ALL passes... I was feeling totally LOUSY this morning and then I read and posted and I feel better again.. and probably this afternoon I will spend crying for EXAH and ME and how I prevent myself from enjoying what is a wonderful life.. OK .. and how I became just like my mom..she is UNABLE to give herself ANYTHING... sometimes walks.. most of the time she is sleeping... she will never do her hair, put makeup, buy a nice shirt.. NOTHING.. no friends... not even chat in Internet... no TV. Your critical voice reminded me of her... always finding why its not worth the effort.

So its really great you are ignoring the usual voice and DOING STUFF IN SPITE OF IT.. you got it nailed right there!!

I am not scared and if I need to cry for the 473953026920769161th time, so be it. Same for you, if you are going to grumpy today, well, be totally grump it and enjoy being grumpy for the 3935832343259 time in your life..but know its YOUR CONSCIOUS DECISION... you control your feelings.

I read happiness is not filling bliss all the time, I mean thats impossible... happiness is being where you are emotionally and accepting it... you are moving forward so just keep doing the laps, do you write gratitude lists by any chance?

There is a Gratitude list forum and it always makes me feel better.. even if its only "another day of life on this planet"
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Old 06-19-2009, 06:46 PM
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just a quick check in - trying to stay occupied while RAH is at his "birthday meeting" - he gets his 1 yr chip tonight

have bounced up and down all day today and most of yesterday as well ... at least I'm bouncing "up" sometimes is all I can think to say -

yesterday was our 17th anniversary and RAH went out and bought me an amethyst ring - it is SO pretty!


my phone friend is going away on vacation til the end of JULY! I've got her cell phone number so I'll still be able to talk to her - I think - she says when she gets back, she will start picking me up for the Fri nite women's mtg so I won't have to worry about the walking part of it

that's all for now --- still doing my laps around the apt.
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Old 06-19-2009, 07:12 PM
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Smile Blue is a pretty color

Keep doing your laps.

Endorphines help us feel good. We need them.

Do one thing at a time.

Do you like Anthony Robbins? I didn't want to get into his stuff, but my XXBF suggested it, and I wanted him to listen to anything self-help related, so I pretended I was into it. He bought a few programs, and I listened, he did not, I loved it, and he didn't grow...

Stop with the negative self talk. Immediately. No more. You deserve better from yourself!

Let's start with this: You are not "miserable". You are "working on feeling good". Let your mind absorb that concept - it's in a positive light.

Keep doing your laps. ;-)

Do you like to laugh? Read a funny book or two. Buy a series of books, occupy your mind with someone else's life or adventures. (Not as a codie or enabler!) I'm living in these vampire novels. Not gorey ones. Fun ones.

Use positive words. Find the solution to everything. If you feel tired, ask yourself: what could you do NOW, so tomorrow you won't feel tired? You know the answer.

I woke up yesterday at the brink of some depressive disorder. I knew what I needed to do. Listen to Anthony Robbins, read a self-help book, or go to therapy. I gave myself 1 week to get it together or else, therapy payments get added to the budget! And chocolate (which I love) and caffeine are out of my diet. I know it has to be done!

Hug yourself. You're putting up with a lot and you're reaching out for help.
Good for you for knowing you need to surround yourself with supportive people, and are doing something about it!


And Good Luck.

READY!!
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Old 06-21-2009, 10:25 AM
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thank you for that - I wasn't even aware how negative I tend to be!
"working on feeling good" --- yep - that's where I am today ... I even did my laps when I didn't want to -

I'm really struggling today (and yesterday) - med changes and not sleeping and fun stuff like that (oh - sarcasm is negative isn't it?)

RAH is one who has to always be DOING something and it's the opposite of me - weekends are a bit tense still because of that - I feel guilty for not wanting to do stuff --- I'm working on it - both the guilt part and the not wanting to do stuff part -- I'm trying hard to remember that it is a PROCESS ....

I'm not sleeping and I think I've figured out that it's actually the new med that's keeping me up til 3am - being sleep deprived is not good at all for my brain ! I'm so tired during the day that it's always an uphill battle to get myself to do anything - but I did my laps!!! I get a star for that! They're boring and I hate them but I do them cuz it's all I can think to do right now --- the thing is that I can't do them long enough to really get any endorphins going

I'm really struggling right now but that's good cuz it means I haven't given up yet - right?


Blue
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Old 06-22-2009, 01:01 PM
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I'm really hurting today - no real particular reason - just really really hurting

I still am struggling with walking/exercising and struggling with not being able to walk more than 4-5 minutes - I'm trying to do my laps eveyday and I think it might be helping a little bit but I want to be better NOW! I am having a very hard time being patient ----

I think it's worse today because RAH had a 3 day weekend and we got to hang out most of the time and now I'm stuck all alone, counting hours til he comes home - how codie - how depressing ---

I called the Crisis Line and got accidently disconnected -couldn't get reconnected cuz it was busy -- wonderful

I did my stupid laps and got really short of breath - probably anxiety but scary anyway
........
I hate this to the point where I'm tihnking bad bad things
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Old 06-24-2009, 08:42 AM
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struggling to feel good - *sigh*
I wake up to find myself in an anxiety attack just about every day - it's getting very very old! I haven't been able to figure out WHY - I'd think if I could do that, it would help ...

I still manage to get myself to do the laps everyday and am slowly trying to add to them -

still wish I had a bit more understanding and support -- and strength!

still very depressed
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