miserable
Member
Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: Bristol TN/VA
Posts: 12,431
Surely there must be some medication to help with the panic and anxiety.
I understand about that.....I have it also and without meds, I am too freaked out to function.
I also sympathize with the meds causing weight gain....I've got that too.
Like you I used to be fit...and today am embarassed at how easily I get fatigued.
I will be attending a special event the end of Sept...so that is the carrot dangling on the stick in front of me to start getting in shape.
My counselor had a talk with me about how good walking is for depression and especially outside as the vitamin D from sunshine is a natural antidepressant.
I really try to be extra kind to myself about it.....any movement is considered excercise! LOL
So, gee, if you swing your arms as you walk your laps...you have a whole extra set of upper body excercises going on too!
I count bending to pick up things....I count everything...makes it a fun game and easier to keep up.
BTW....it took me a long time to truly master meditation breathing...but it is so worth it!
IT has for me, become like self-hypnosis....and i can slip into a relaxed state very easily when I lay down at night.
IT's my bedtime now....if I lay there and lift my feet up a few times...it counts as leg lifts! LOL
(((((hugs)))))))))
I understand about that.....I have it also and without meds, I am too freaked out to function.
I also sympathize with the meds causing weight gain....I've got that too.
Like you I used to be fit...and today am embarassed at how easily I get fatigued.
I will be attending a special event the end of Sept...so that is the carrot dangling on the stick in front of me to start getting in shape.
My counselor had a talk with me about how good walking is for depression and especially outside as the vitamin D from sunshine is a natural antidepressant.
I really try to be extra kind to myself about it.....any movement is considered excercise! LOL
So, gee, if you swing your arms as you walk your laps...you have a whole extra set of upper body excercises going on too!
I count bending to pick up things....I count everything...makes it a fun game and easier to keep up.
BTW....it took me a long time to truly master meditation breathing...but it is so worth it!
IT has for me, become like self-hypnosis....and i can slip into a relaxed state very easily when I lay down at night.
IT's my bedtime now....if I lay there and lift my feet up a few times...it counts as leg lifts! LOL
(((((hugs)))))))))
once in a . . .
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2004
Location: looking in / looking out
Posts: 1,214
I tend to have an ..... (lost the word!) opposite reaction to meds than what's intended - valium sends me into a panic attack -- "Flexeril" gives me baaaaad cramps -- etc etc
--- not all meds do that, just enough to make it a real pain in the butt to try to figure out how to medicate me ---
having a really bad day -----
going to hide in a dark corner and try again tomorrow
--- not all meds do that, just enough to make it a real pain in the butt to try to figure out how to medicate me ---
having a really bad day -----
going to hide in a dark corner and try again tomorrow
once in a . . .
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2004
Location: looking in / looking out
Posts: 1,214
today is a little better but am in a major state of panic over an upcoming lunch-date with my son (he's 31) - *I* made the date but I'm just toatlly overwhelmed by the thought of going out in public! How silly!! Son and I used to go out once a week and it was such FUN --- and now I'm freaked out --- I don't get it! I think it's just because I'm so out of practice with DOing things - *sigh* I haven't gone anywhere except with hubby for almost a year- (can you say codependent?!)
ok - to be honest - I scrathed my arm up yesterday - it's not a very large wound but it looks nasty- it didn't look bad yesterday but today it DOES - *gulp* - I'm scared to hubby's reaction when he gets home from work cuz I'd promised months ago not to do any more Self Injury stuff -- I'm worried about son's reaction when he sees it at lunch - hey! there's a good reason to cancel our plans! (not)
I'm really not doing very good today - but it's better than yesterday I think -
ok - think of SOMETHING positive -------
we had pizza last night and I only ate 1/2 of what I used to and I'm proud of that. My appetite is going back down to NORMAL as I go off these damn meds. I've only lost a couple pounds but it feels good to be back in control of the appetite part of it.
I talked to my friend yesterday and that helps a bit
will let you know how lunhc goes
ok - to be honest - I scrathed my arm up yesterday - it's not a very large wound but it looks nasty- it didn't look bad yesterday but today it DOES - *gulp* - I'm scared to hubby's reaction when he gets home from work cuz I'd promised months ago not to do any more Self Injury stuff -- I'm worried about son's reaction when he sees it at lunch - hey! there's a good reason to cancel our plans! (not)
I'm really not doing very good today - but it's better than yesterday I think -
ok - think of SOMETHING positive -------
we had pizza last night and I only ate 1/2 of what I used to and I'm proud of that. My appetite is going back down to NORMAL as I go off these damn meds. I've only lost a couple pounds but it feels good to be back in control of the appetite part of it.
I talked to my friend yesterday and that helps a bit
will let you know how lunhc goes
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
Hey, you blue, don't you dare put the word "only" right before "lost a couple pounds" There's NO "ONLY" about that. You're doing better -- way to go!
Congrats on your portion control efforts too. That's the hardest part for me.
Have fun with your son. It will be okay. Be sure to go somewhere where you can have a bit of privacy...somewhere with booths would be nice!
There's NO "ONLY" about that. You're doing better -- way to go!Congrats on your portion control efforts too. That's the hardest part for me.
Have fun with your son. It will be okay. Be sure to go somewhere where you can have a bit of privacy...somewhere with booths would be nice!
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: Between the ocean and the mountains
Posts: 653
Hi Blue,
My son and I like to drive through Burgerville then come back to my house and eat in the living room and watch Comedy Central or baseball. It's fun. If you aren't up to a restaurant, I recommend a bag of burgers and TV!
Blue, do you mean "cutting" when you say self-injury?
Did you put some antibiotic on it?
So glad you are here to say hi today. You hang on and we will hang on to you. Life moves us forward.
Love,
Bluejay
My son and I like to drive through Burgerville then come back to my house and eat in the living room and watch Comedy Central or baseball. It's fun. If you aren't up to a restaurant, I recommend a bag of burgers and TV!
Blue, do you mean "cutting" when you say self-injury?
Did you put some antibiotic on it?
So glad you are here to say hi today. You hang on and we will hang on to you. Life moves us forward.
Love,
Bluejay
once in a . . .
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2004
Location: looking in / looking out
Posts: 1,214
thanks GiveLove for "... don't you dare put the word "only" right before "lost a couple pounds" ..." it's just that I'm so frustrated ot's not MORE that I forget to appreciate the few that ARE gone
about the SI - I don't cut, I scrape - *grimace* - and I have been putting Tea Tree Oil on it (a stong antibiotic)
I an realizing that I've wanted to call my doctor for 2 or more weeks and have put it off cuz "well, I'm going to see him on the 15th", and "well, he doesn't have the test results back yet" and blah blah blah blah blah - I am really feeling miserable and I'm thinking "well, I'm going to see him monday .....", "there's nothing he can do today/til monday - he won't change anything over the phone ..."
i was all panicked about having to pay bills (there's plenty of $$ for once) and I'm just spazzed out about it -- til I realized uhbby thru them all out (!?) I think because he thought they were duplicates (!?) - he's so weird rent and utilities are paid so it's not that big a deal --- re-reading that, I'm weird as well - I'm stressed over paying bills but when I can't, well that's ok ......
annnnnnnnnnnnnnyway -
had a good time with son yesterday! We just went to Taco John's and rode around and motor-mouthed for a couple of hours. It wiped me out! man am I out of shape!!! but it was good and I'm glad I went
hubby bought me a cane to see it that helps with the physical and psychological aspects of my walking problems - now I have to get used to using it and I think it will help - *fingers crossed*
I'm really shaky today - my "To Do" list is too big and it's overwhelming me- it's simple tihngs and I don't understand WHY it doesn this to me!!! The I remember themed tapering and the anxiety diagnosis in the 1st place --- oh
thanks for hangin' with me!
Blue
it's just that I'm so frustrated ot's not MORE that I forget to appreciate the few that ARE gone about the SI - I don't cut, I scrape - *grimace* - and I have been putting Tea Tree Oil on it (a stong antibiotic)
I an realizing that I've wanted to call my doctor for 2 or more weeks and have put it off cuz "well, I'm going to see him on the 15th", and "well, he doesn't have the test results back yet" and blah blah blah blah blah - I am really feeling miserable and I'm thinking "well, I'm going to see him monday .....", "there's nothing he can do today/til monday - he won't change anything over the phone ..."
i was all panicked about having to pay bills (there's plenty of $$ for once) and I'm just spazzed out about it -- til I realized uhbby thru them all out (!?) I think because he thought they were duplicates (!?) - he's so weird
rent and utilities are paid so it's not that big a deal --- re-reading that, I'm weird as well - I'm stressed over paying bills but when I can't, well that's ok ...... annnnnnnnnnnnnnyway -
had a good time with son yesterday! We just went to Taco John's and rode around and motor-mouthed for a couple of hours. It wiped me out! man am I out of shape!!! but it was good and I'm glad I went
hubby bought me a cane to see it that helps with the physical and psychological aspects of my walking problems - now I have to get used to using it and I think it will help - *fingers crossed*
I'm really shaky today - my "To Do" list is too big and it's overwhelming me- it's simple tihngs and I don't understand WHY it doesn this to me!!! The I remember themed tapering and the anxiety diagnosis in the 1st place --- oh
thanks for hangin' with me!
Blue
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
You're doing great, blue. You're taking small steps into things that you fear, and you're searching for solutions for the things that have plagued you for a long time.
That, my friend, is what we call "progress", and you should give yourself some credit for it.
A cane! Why didn't I think of that!! Being able to motivate around more easily can set off a very nice chain reaction...
....you can walk better
....so you can walk more
....so you can lose more weight
....so you feel better about yourself
....so you want to walk more, to get even better
....so eventually you don't need the damn cane anymore!!
Keep taking those slow, steady steps forward.
That, my friend, is what we call "progress", and you should give yourself some credit for it.
A cane! Why didn't I think of that!! Being able to motivate around more easily can set off a very nice chain reaction...
....you can walk better
....so you can walk more
....so you can lose more weight
....so you feel better about yourself
....so you want to walk more, to get even better
....so eventually you don't need the damn cane anymore!!
Keep taking those slow, steady steps forward.
once in a . . .
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2004
Location: looking in / looking out
Posts: 1,214
we thought of a cane after realizing that it was ALOT easier for me to walk when I was pushing a shopping cart than not --
and yep yep yep to your cane reaction list!
today is still shaky but I'm trying to shake in a forward motion at least
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: Between the ocean and the mountains
Posts: 653
Hi Blue,
So glad you and your son had that nice visit!
I'll be glad when you see the doc on the 15th so you'll know more and will get med adjustments if you need.
BlueMoon, is your husband actively drinking? Are you on this particular section of the Forum because you are struggling in relationship with an addict? How is that part of your life for you?
Love, BJ
So glad you and your son had that nice visit!
I'll be glad when you see the doc on the 15th so you'll know more and will get med adjustments if you need.
BlueMoon, is your husband actively drinking? Are you on this particular section of the Forum because you are struggling in relationship with an addict? How is that part of your life for you?
Love, BJ
once in a . . .
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2004
Location: looking in / looking out
Posts: 1,214
my husband will get his one year chip on June 20 - I live in agonizing fear that he will drink again - my behavior is almost as bad as if he was - we were separated for 4 years and just got back together 18 months ago. He drank a couple of times, ended up in jail once (same old, same old) and it just about destroyed me and destroyed US - we've been together since 1992 and are crazy in love (and I'm just plain crazy too)
I'm an addict/alcoholic, have been clean and sober for 17 yrs - have pretty much fallen away from AA tho..
I feel I need to work on my relationship skills, not JUST with AH but him especially and it feels like Al-anon fits better than AA right now.
As for my meds - *shudder* they're been being slowly adjusted for a couple months now and I'm just at the end of my rope with it - nothing is really working - which again, makes me think I need a program to work and not JUST meds for my depression and ANXIETY. Right now my big goal is to be able to walk 5 blocks so I can go to mtgs again, so I can be ME again.
I'm an addict/alcoholic, have been clean and sober for 17 yrs - have pretty much fallen away from AA tho..
I feel I need to work on my relationship skills, not JUST with AH but him especially and it feels like Al-anon fits better than AA right now.
As for my meds - *shudder* they're been being slowly adjusted for a couple months now and I'm just at the end of my rope with it - nothing is really working - which again, makes me think I need a program to work and not JUST meds for my depression and ANXIETY. Right now my big goal is to be able to walk 5 blocks so I can go to mtgs again, so I can be ME again.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: Between the ocean and the mountains
Posts: 653
Oh, GOOD, Blue, I thought he was an active A. (We can refer to him as RAH .
I admire you, Blue, I really do. I like what I hear in your voice, your honesty and your feeling. Your depth.
You'll get to that meeting. You'll have a lot to tell them when you do, and what you say will help someone there. You can count on that.
xx
. I admire you, Blue, I really do. I like what I hear in your voice, your honesty and your feeling. Your depth.
You'll get to that meeting. You'll have a lot to tell them when you do, and what you say will help someone there. You can count on that.
xx
once in a . . .
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2004
Location: looking in / looking out
Posts: 1,214
thank you BlueJay
tried to get online yesteray but puter wouldn't let me - grrrrrrrr -
RAH is home today and That usually helps my mood - well - it helps me PRETEND I'm in a good mood - I hate that I do it, I do it really without thinking, it's automatic - part of it is "Fake it til you make it" and part of it is I want to be pleasant to be around - I REALLY want to be better physcially and the sad truth is that I'm just NOT there yet. RAH says I cry out in my sleep all night long, whenever I move .... no wonder I am so damn tired all the time!
Next week I AM GOING TO FIND A DOCTOR and get this addressed - I know I need to exercise my back but I don't know how to do it without hurting myself more - that's what I did yesterday and I can barely move today - (I have degenerative disc) -
I'm trying to keep my spirits up but it's hard - my friend is on vacation and makes me realize how much I DO appreciate her phone calls - and then I couldn't get online and so I had no one to talk to and I just lay around like a lump --- (oh poooooooor me) --
As much as I like RAH being home for 2 days, it drives him nuts to be so UNBUSY and then he drives ME nuts -- more nuts -
I see my psychiatrist Monday - no real hope for relief tho -- that's just how it goes - med changes are always slow and PAINFUL -
(
ok - gonna go and try to stretch my muscles and loosen them up a bit ---
thanks for listening
tried to get online yesteray but puter wouldn't let me - grrrrrrrr -
RAH is home today and That usually helps my mood - well - it helps me PRETEND I'm in a good mood - I hate that I do it, I do it really without thinking, it's automatic - part of it is "Fake it til you make it" and part of it is I want to be pleasant to be around - I REALLY want to be better physcially and the sad truth is that I'm just NOT there yet. RAH says I cry out in my sleep all night long, whenever I move .... no wonder I am so damn tired all the time!
Next week I AM GOING TO FIND A DOCTOR and get this addressed - I know I need to exercise my back but I don't know how to do it without hurting myself more - that's what I did yesterday and I can barely move today - (I have degenerative disc) -
I'm trying to keep my spirits up but it's hard - my friend is on vacation and makes me realize how much I DO appreciate her phone calls - and then I couldn't get online and so I had no one to talk to and I just lay around like a lump --- (oh poooooooor me) --
As much as I like RAH being home for 2 days, it drives him nuts to be so UNBUSY and then he drives ME nuts -- more nuts -
I see my psychiatrist Monday - no real hope for relief tho -- that's just how it goes - med changes are always slow and PAINFUL -
(ok - gonna go and try to stretch my muscles and loosen them up a bit ---
thanks for listening
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: Between the ocean and the mountains
Posts: 653
Hi Blue Moon,
Have you thought any more about contacting Al-Anon for telephone support? Starting some step-work with someone who will go through them with you? You are struggling and could use some contact and some spiritual sustenance.
You are doing positive things, Blue, though.....checking in here with us, seeking medical treatment, doing the laps in the house when you can, and you are sober. You are taking responsibility, Blue, and that is a huge part of recovery.
Hope there is somewhere pretty around there you and RAH can drive to. Take a sandwich and sit in the car and look at trees and sunshine. Any water? Good for the soul. We must tend to the soul. When we do, everything else starts getting better. Really.
BJ
Have you thought any more about contacting Al-Anon for telephone support? Starting some step-work with someone who will go through them with you? You are struggling and could use some contact and some spiritual sustenance.
You are doing positive things, Blue, though.....checking in here with us, seeking medical treatment, doing the laps in the house when you can, and you are sober. You are taking responsibility, Blue, and that is a huge part of recovery.
Hope there is somewhere pretty around there you and RAH can drive to. Take a sandwich and sit in the car and look at trees and sunshine. Any water? Good for the soul. We must tend to the soul. When we do, everything else starts getting better. Really.
BJ
Member
Join Date: May 2009
Location: brighton, England
Posts: 65
Hi bluemoon,
I don't have anything of relevance to your current situation to say, however I noticed you say you've been clean/sober for 17 years. Wow. I'm genuinely impressed, and envious. You should be proud of yourself for that. I wish you all the best.
I don't have anything of relevance to your current situation to say, however I noticed you say you've been clean/sober for 17 years. Wow. I'm genuinely impressed, and envious. You should be proud of yourself for that. I wish you all the best.
once in a . . .
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2004
Location: looking in / looking out
Posts: 1,214
Right now, EVERYTHING is too overwhelming - it's hard enough to talk to my motormouth friend on the phone - I'm not up to talking to talking to Al-anon people on the phone cuz it's a new thing ---- I KNOW that doesn't make sense --- I just can't do it - I'm a loner and really only have the one friend - maybe I'm just not miserable ENOUGH yet? I don't know - that's what I'd ask me if I weren't me (did that make sense?)
I see my pdoc today and am all in a whirl about that - walking that far - medication changes - test results - blah blah blah - RAH is going to come with me as usual. He helps me remember to ask/say the things I need to and to remeber/DO the things pdoc says -
I wonder who I'd be if I was bi-polar, alcoholic, codependent, etc ad nauseum .... ?
I'd prob'ly be boring and bored ... ya think?
Tomorrow I'm going to find a doctor for my back (one big thing a day is enough so it's got to wait til tomorrow).
At first I was thinking that my back hurts cuz I'm out of shape and then I remembered how I had to quit walking by the river cuz my back hurt and THAT is how I got out of shape so badly. Now it's just a vicious circle. I need someone to tell me which exercises are good for me (instead of pickiing my own) and to tell me how to tell when I'm just sore from exercising and when I've overdone or hurt myself ---- I HATE doctors and I hate NEW doctors and that's why I don't have one.
I've been reading "The Courage to Change" everyday. I'm slowly adding little things.
Well, no. I've gotten bad at doing the laps cuz I hurt my back exercising .... one step forward ..... *blech*
time to go feed the rabbit before he gets grouchy!
oh - about going for a drive + stuff - for different reasons, neither RAH or I drive right now ... that's why it's important I get back to being able to walk, that's how we got everywhere and the Iowa River is only 8 blocks away ...
Blue
I see my pdoc today and am all in a whirl about that - walking that far - medication changes - test results - blah blah blah - RAH is going to come with me as usual. He helps me remember to ask/say the things I need to and to remeber/DO the things pdoc says -
I wonder who I'd be if I was bi-polar, alcoholic, codependent, etc ad nauseum .... ?
I'd prob'ly be boring and bored ... ya think?
Tomorrow I'm going to find a doctor for my back (one big thing a day is enough so it's got to wait til tomorrow).
At first I was thinking that my back hurts cuz I'm out of shape and then I remembered how I had to quit walking by the river cuz my back hurt and THAT is how I got out of shape so badly. Now it's just a vicious circle. I need someone to tell me which exercises are good for me (instead of pickiing my own) and to tell me how to tell when I'm just sore from exercising and when I've overdone or hurt myself ---- I HATE doctors and I hate NEW doctors and that's why I don't have one.
I've been reading "The Courage to Change" everyday. I'm slowly adding little things.
Well, no. I've gotten bad at doing the laps cuz I hurt my back exercising .... one step forward ..... *blech*
time to go feed the rabbit before he gets grouchy!
oh - about going for a drive + stuff - for different reasons, neither RAH or I drive right now ... that's why it's important I get back to being able to walk, that's how we got everywhere and the Iowa River is only 8 blocks away ...
Blue
once in a . . .
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2004
Location: looking in / looking out
Posts: 1,214
ps. I'm having a hard time concentrating enough to really READ anything - it all just blurs in my brain ... reading any codependent or program stuff isn't working right now but I keep trying
pss. went for a VERY short walk with RAH the last 2 nights - I now have a cane and I think it MIGHT help *fingers crossed*
reading any codependent or program stuff isn't working right now but I keep tryingpss. went for a VERY short walk with RAH the last 2 nights
- I now have a cane and I think it MIGHT help *fingers crossed*
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