NAH1203

So I am new and having been dealing with the turmoil of alcoholism/pill addiction through my mom off and on through out my life, in 2002 I got married and my mom who was sober, until that day, for 15 years, went around the reception and drank all the leftover champagne off of all the tables, that's where the downward spiral began. In 2006, I found out I was pregnant, my mother in law was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer and moved in with us, she had 6 months to live. My mother and step dad live next door. The split up officially at this time, and she was already running around on him at the time anyway. My mom who was my bestfriend turned into a maniac, out all the time, partying non-stop. My mom did not help us care for my sick mother in law, did not attend her funeral that was four days before I delivered, and barely had time to come to the hospital when I delivered. Last summer, as she was totally out of control, lost her job, my step dad took her car away since she didn't have a license and wasn't making the car payments and it was about to be repo'd anyway. He took over payments and kept the car for himself. My mom broke into my house one day, I came home and found a half bottle of rum (was full unopened) on my washing machine, random food out. I called my stepdad to tell him that I thought she broke into the house. He walked next door to find her laying in the yard with a robe on (that's it) with her face all bashed in, completed wasted. There was more food thrown over my fence, my mom apparently tripped and her face landed on a metal brace for her above ground pool. I had her arrested, and since she was on probation for stealing from work, she spent a few months in a womens prison, now she's out, she has a house with no mortgage, but no money and no car, no job. My husband still refuses to speak to her and he doesn't want our son around and I am the monkey in the middle. We have a spare car, but my husband will not let her use it. She still has weird people at her house and goes out, but says she's sober. I feel guilty but can't betray my husband, but it's mom- what's a girl to do?!?!?!?

JMFburns

NAH,
Welcome to SR. Others will be along to offer their welcomes and their experience. I just wanted to take a moment to welcome you and tell you about some things that have helped me.

1. The 3 c's: We didn't cause their addiction, we can't control their addiction and we can't cure their addiction.

2. Check out AlAnon meetings. The face to face support and sharing has been a wonderful comfort many times for me.

My Dad is an alcoholic and my 28 yr old son is an addict. My father has alcohol related dementia & is struggling to remember his day-to-day life & my mom is left having to take care of him.

My last bits of wisdom, you are not your mother's keeper and her life is her responsibility. Your husband seems to be on the right track with not trusting your mom right now. Remember actions speak louder than words, when you feel she is trustworthy by her actions (all of her actions,) then you'll feel better about her being around your family.

Freedom1990

Let's change this scenario a little and pretend it's just a neighbor, not your mom.

Would you loan your neighbor your spare car based on her current behavior (NOT words)?

The circumstances your mother is living with are a direct result of her drinking.

I think your husband has a little clearer head on this because it's not his mother.

Do you attend Alanon? If not, I'd highly recommend finding Alanon meetings in your area. I'd also suggest getting a copy of the book "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie. It's an excellent starter book, and really opened up my eyes to the codependent behaviors/feelings I had that contributed to me enabling my oldest AD.

Keep posting and welcome to SR! :ghug :ghug

littlefish

Wow I am an alcoholic mom but even I avoided falling on my face. Well, maybe I did one time but I made sure nobody was around and eventually picked myself up.

What you have to do honey is not be a codie. See, I am an alkie and a codie for my alcoholic brothers.

My sponsor told me this week: say no. Learn to say no.
Make it clear to your mom that you won't accept toxic behavior.
I bet you are going through the turmoil that why doesn't she love me and why does she hurt me? If I make limits for my bro's using me and always asking for money, will they withdraw their love if I don't give them money? Yeah, maybe they will, but I have to accept that, and see that OTHER people, like my husband and kids do love me unconditionally, not like my brothers. Whose love is very conditional.

It was the hardest thing for me to accept that mabye my bros don't really know how to love me and will always try to use me.
It was one of the hardest things I had to deal with trying to stay sober. Understanding I have been a codie as well as an alcoholic all these years.
Set your boundaries and protect your family.
It sounds like your mom is not ready to stop drinking.
Your husband and your kids do love you: so, invest your time in them. Mom may never be fixed. But it is not your problem.

NAH1203

Wow- Thank you for that. Sometimes, I resent my husband for not wanting to help, but always try to put myself in his shoes, and it's hard to clearly see his side because of my emotional attachment to my mom. But I know if his mom did all this, I would be so enraged. It's nice to see someone say he is on the right track. Being involved myself, it's hard for me to remove the emotions and stand back and look at this clearly.

Freedom1990

I can appreciate how difficult that is. It is possible to detach from your mother and allow her to live her own life as she sees fit, even if you disagree with it.

I sleep well at nights knowing I have turned my oldest AD over to God, and I allow her to make her own choices, right or wrong.

NAH1203

I do feel like I am obligated to her in some way, I take her to the grocery store on the weekends to make sure she has food etc, she gets food stamps and medical from the state, I don't know if she is ready to quit or not. I lean towards not, because you would hang out with "these" people if you were trying to get it together, and she has random people pick her up, she's been out all night a few times over the past few weeks, and went from calling me every day if not twice a day to not at all, then once in awhile... so I am thinking she's headed back to her ways again....sometimes I beat myself up over the whole thing....I guess nobody has it easy in this arena.

Freedom1990

Why would you beat yourself up?

You said she was sober for 15 years, correct?

She made the choice to drink.

NAH1203

Yes, I think I beat myself up because I have been playing the role of adult since I can remember, it's just become part of who I am. Sometimes I feel like the worry or stress is continuous, like I can't shut it out of my head........... I just pray at night that she gets better

Freedom1990

Find Alanon meetings in your area. Read up on codependency. It is possible to move past that contant worry and chatter in your head, I promise.