DESIGNER

For all of you that are aware of my situation I need support. On last Saturday exabf basically was rude to me on the phone and did not return my call later that evening when I asked him too even though he promised. So I was ticked and have been strong till now. He called me on Monday and left me a v/m saying that he was sorry for not calling me back and that we need to talk. I have not returned his call and have been pissed up untill tonight.

I hate hate hate having negative feelings for someone that I have loved for so long. I want to call him to just smooth things over but am afraid of what that will lead to. I am typing here so that I do not call him but why is it so hard and why is this loneliness always have to creep in.

I just can't imagine being with someone for 5 yrs and then poof they are out of your life....I have always struggled with letting go. I mean I have been playing the tape all the way through but it hurts b/c not only do i remember the bad times I remember the wonderful moments that we shared.

As my dad put it the other night....my exabf is not a bad person he just has a problem!!!! I hate that I met someone like this and I want to move on( a part of me does) but the other part of me wants things to turn out ok.

I know that i have been there done all of this before why can't i learn my lesson and just completely close the book?

GRHHHH I am just soooo frustrated with myself right now!!!!

gns

Designer, anger is only one stage of grief and letting go. It is the easiest in terms of no contact (and actually my personal favorite - I like the self-righteousness).

Maybe let yourself feel what you feel and tell yourself you won't make any decisions to contact him until after a month (or whatever length of time)?

My addiction to my ex was very deceptive - it masqueraded as sympathy, "wanting to be friends", kindness towards him etc........but really I just wanted my fix.

NYC_Chick

Hey Designer!

Stay strong. I know it hurts. I was with my xabf for 4 years and talking and working it out for another year. He never changed, and in fact got worse, and there is nothing I can do about that, but you don't have to keep your life going like that. Think about what you want. Do you want to stay on the roller coaster forever? It's so much nicer on the ground. It takes time, but you will get there!

(((Designer)))

Live

In an ideal world, we could move on amicably with respectful closure...in agreement with both equally ready emotionally.
In the imperfect real world it usually doesn't happen like that. To the best of my knowledge the best we can do is respect ourselves...and act with respect towards the other, even knowing the other may not be acting rationally or in anyone's best interest.
We let go so that we can move on and we let go of them so that they may also.
We can feel ALL our feelings and still choose to act according to our rational goals.

I have been many times dismayed that so much closeness for a real period of time can be as nothing...poof!....as you put it. It hurts. I don't understand it either, but i do know that it happens alot.

Without mutual commitment, responsibillity and honesty.....it's *impossible* for things to hold up satisfyingly.

DESIGNER

Thank you for everyones responses....it helps to know that you guys are out there cheering for me to be strong.

A little better right now....I went and worked out....did cardio for about an hour!!! I am ok as long as I am not alone in my house. At work I am good, when I am doing errands I am good etc.... It is those lonely hours when the sun starts going down.

I just don't understand...........I guess I never will....how you can love someone so much and they can still **** on you after all the promises, the I love you's, the plans for the future, the vacations, etc!!!
I just don't think that I have it in me to treat someone like he has treated me at times. I mean it is killing me to not call him and just say hey I am not mad and make HIM feel better!!!

I need to get to the bottom of why I always feel it is about him....maybe b/c for the past 5 yrs it has always been about him and never me and I have forgotten myself. My feelings have taken a backseat for so long!!!

A couple of weeks ago we were talking about things that we both needed to work on to improve ourselves and he told me that one of my faults was my anger. He said that he did not like it that I lost it so much and so easy!!
Yes I admit that this is not one of my greatest traits but jeez cut me a break......I have been dealing with his crazy life for as long as he has known me....he has never given me the chance to be calm and I have delt with all the lies, the drunken nights, the broken promises, the lost jobs, the breakups when HE has had enough!!!!

I guess at that time that he told me that it made me feel like I was the crazy one and it just PISSES me off that he even said that to me!!!!
GRHHHHHH....so many things that I just want to say to him!!!!

I guess I already have said all those things to him.....Silence is probably better now. He is not a stupid guy...he will get it one of these days!!!

Thanks everyone for letting me type about all this...helps a lot.

NYC_Chick

Designer:

In regard to YOUR anger...my xabf used to tell me all the time that I had anger issues. My alcoholic father used to tell my mom all the time she had anger issues. It's how he keeps you in the crazy loop. I'm sure you get angry just like I did and my mom did. It's near impossible to live with an alcoholic BUT it's not you. It's him...

Someone recently told me a story, and I think it's a Buddhist story. A man comes to see Buddha and tells him all these negative things. Buddha says...If you try to give me a gift and I refuse to take it, to whom does this gift belong? The man says the gift still belongs to him. Buddha walks away. I think about this story all the time. When someone tries to loop me into their drama or dump their crazy on me, I just think...to whom does this gift belong and move on with my day. It's hard, but the more you practice, the better it will get for you!

I was also just as confused as you were. I can't change it. It was very hard to accept, but the truth was that I meant nothing to my xabf. I was like a mousse he tried to play to death until I found an escape route. It no longer matters to me what he thinks or doesn't think of me. Progress, not perfection. Just for today remember how much he has hurt you and don't worry about how he is hurting.

DESIGNER

NYC chick....thank you so much.

I really envy your courage and I remember most of your post from a while back and I know that you have come a long way. I wish that I lived in NY and we could hang out b/c our stories and our personalities sound a lot alike and it would be great to meet so many people on this site in person!!

If you can walk away from this then I can too....it helps to know that there is happiness after a relationship like we have had.

I do feel somewhat empowered by the fact that I have not called him. I hope that he is sitting in his room wondering what the heck is going on just like I have many of nights. I have to say that after 5 yrs i have never went this long without giving into his apologies and that does feel good. This is soo out of my character so I know that he knows that I am pissed which i am. How dare he treat me like I don't matter after all times that I have stood by his side when I shouldn't have. He has lost a great thing in his life and right now he may not realize it but I know that some day he will look back and realize it. Like I said before...he is not stupid...he knows that i was an awesome girl to him and that is why he continues to still hang on at times!!!

I deserve someone who is going to treasure me and someone that will fight for our relationship and he just does not seem to care if i stay or go. He may act like it at times but actions speak louder then words and right now I know that he does not really care b/c if he did he would keep calling me till i answered.

Well I will keep up the no contact thing....one moment at a time!!!! My 29th b-day is on saturday and I remember last yr on my b-day we had broke up b/c basically he wanted to do whatever the hell he wanted. I refuse to turn 30 next yr and be in the same boat. New age new start. This is hopefully going to be my yr to shine.

NYC_Chick

Designer: You'll get there. It's not perfect and I've certainly had many ups and downs over the past year, but you will get to the point where it's too much.

One thing that hit me recently that I posted about when I came back was listening to my own actions. If we listen to the A's actions, they tell us they don't care for us. They lie, manipulate, don't call which they know hurts us, and many many more things. We then begin to demand respect, kindness and attention. We tell them we deserve better BUT they listen to our actions just as much as we listen to theirs, I believe. Our own actions tell them we will take whatever they dish out because that is what we've always done. When OUR actions stop telling them that we are a doormat, they may get it and seek sobriety or they may not. Either way WE get it and decide to live a different life, one that only includes people that treat us the way we deserve to be treated. It's taken a VERY long time, but I finally have this kind of life.

If you need to get some feelings out, try to write. Another idea is to find an object in your apartment and yell at it or hit it to get your feelings out. Then it becomes your anger object. My therapist taught me about this when I was trying to deal with my angry feelings after the final break. I used a pillow sitting on a chair in my living room. It really helped!

justjo

Love to you and stay strong JJ

Live

Sometines being stubborn isn't a bad thing! You have done something you have never done before...you are forging a new path where you are not doing what you have always done before. And what has never worked out before.

I CAN promise you that it will get easier. Not all at once. But gradually, until one day you will LIKE it!
You will forget to wonder how he is reacting, what he is thinking/feeling etc.
And breathing that fresh new air will be sweet.

Ben Franklin said that living well is the best revenge.

Bernadette

I just don't think that I have it in me to treat someone like he has treated me at times

I used to get hung up on this kind of thinking a lot in regards to my exH, and other disappointing people in my life. I was so indignant, so angry, that he was capable of what he was capable of - and I was so...what (proud? righteous?) that I would never treat anyone the way he treated me, I would never do the things he did...etc. I see the same trait in my sister. She will go on and on about some slight she received at work and most of the statements involve some form of "I would never....and how could anyone.... etc." (we are the 2 non-alcoholic sibs in the family).

I had a therapist tell me "Stop being surprised that everyone in the world is NOT YOU!" OOOoooh that stuck in my craw!! I walked around in justification mode for a while over that one ...grumble grumble I know everyone is not me I know people are all different..I'm not being judgemental I know I'm right about this...etc"

I had to face the fact that not only were people I loved not me, and not like me, but they have every right to be the way they are and to do and say things differently than I do. All I have the power to do is accept it - believe what they are showing me about themselves, and then react/not react/plan/behave accordingly.

All the time I spent justifying how shocked I was at exH's behavior (over and over!! like what the hell was wrong with that me I didn't believe him the first time!!!) and telling people that "I would never...." etc. kept me locked in this judgemental place of denial. Once I accepted reality with all its pain and blows to my ego - I started to find peace.

When I accepted my own imperfections instead of magnifying my list of other's imperfections life got a lot less wacky and the hours that used to be spent hand-wringing or obsessing or taking another's inventory I could fill with tasks for my own self-improvement and self-knowledge....

But it's a process Designer - it's difficult - and you're going through it - just stay strong, stay true to yourself and accept those things you find most baffling but that you cannot change!

And when you ask yourself "why can't i learn my lesson and just completely close the book?" What lesson, specifically do you need to learn? I know I needed to get real specific with my issues, make sure they really were MINE, and then get real specific with my efforts to change!

peace-
b

HoopNinja

This may seem like a dumb thing. . .but I talked myself into doing it after I split with first AXH--who was the king of emotional abuse. I was always a very strong person and by the time he got done with me (2 years) I was a shell--there was nothing left of the person I had been. I let him do it to me because I thought we loved each other. He loved him, and his vodka and any woman who walked in his path.

Nights were agony for me. During the day, although hard, I could keep all the thoughts of why and maybe away. At night I found it harder. So I did what you did--went to the gym and then started to think about the person I was before I met him. I took some classes to prove to myself that I was not the loser he made me feel like. I decided to try some new things that I had always thought I would be rotten at and gave it a try. It got me out of my house (and head) at night when I had the worse case of "squirrel caging". It helped me regain my confidence. It was not a process that happened overnight. Also, I started to go to group therapy and got affirmation that I was not losing my mind and that I had been in a very sick relationship. Some of the people in the group were recovering alcoholics--that helped too.

You are right--you deserve someone who thinks you are a queen and treats you that way.

GiveLove

I have a slightly different take on this.

I used to fault myself for saying and feeling stuff like that. I got down on myself for wanting others to be more like me. Like, yeah, sure, you're miss perfect and everybody should be like you, GL. Whatever.

You know what's different now? I've accepted the fact that I have a view of how people should act with honor and with integrity and with kindness toward each other. I don't see a damned thing wrong with that any more. And you know what? Your XABF hasn't done any of those things.

The fact that you wouldn't treat someone like this means you're a better person than he is, at least by this scale. That's something all codies might consider practicing in front of a mirror, because most of us are NOT good at it:

"I'm just a better person than he/she is. That might hurt right now, but it's a good thing."

Maybe you'd still break up with someone you had history with -- if the relationship wasn't good for you -- that's just life -- but you certainly wouldn't do all of the sh*t he's done to you before, during, and after.

Time for you to free yourself to find someone who is your equal. Someone with the same values, who you can respect.

Just my two cents.

Keep those evenings busy, busy, busy, Designer. That cardio has to help too!

TakingCharge999

" it helps to know that there is happiness after a relationship like we have had. "

There is much happiness, much wisdom.
It is a cliché, but others will treat you as you treat yourself. When I felt worthless F. treated me as if I did not matter or exist.
Now that I start building my self esteem, seeking what makes MY soul sing, I find people that treat me with respect and love.

I wish I could Fast Forward your own life to show you how great it will be!! but only if you decide so

TakingCharge999

And I would not trade the nice guy I am going out with now for anything else in this world.

Yesterday he told me "you know what makes ME happy? making YOU happy" and I said "that is my job...but we admit collaborations once in a while ". Then we hugged each other so tight I lost my breath, LOL. And planned to go to the park and buy some bamboo plants.

So much different from being hurt and insulted by drunken quarreling at 4 AM with ex AH.

DESIGNER

Yes I do need to free myself and find my equal. I want someone that has the same goals in life as me or if not the same goals....JUST SOME KIND OF GOAL.

MY exabf always lacked that. I mean he had goals but just never ever was albe to follow through with them and to me that was SOOOO frustrating b/c he has had so many wonderful opportunities handed to him and have screwed each and every one of them up.

Value wise....he respected mine and he had a lot of good values to but alcohol has always gotten in the way of this.

Respect.....not a lot of respect for him. He could not hold a job(which I come from a family where hard work is expected and respected), he used to blow his family off and me, he has accepted money from his family when he did not have a job and has blown it(one from his great aunt who gave him 2k and he blew all of it on god knows what....alcohol maybe!!!)

Right now he is controlling his drinking and feels that since he is working he is doing well and is on the right track. I know better and withen due time he will fall!!!(he always has). The only way for an alcoholic to get better is to stop drinking completly and seek support.

I know that I should not expect everyone to act and treat everyone with kindness and this is something that I struggle with and don't understand but I guess this is how it is and I must move on a find someone that treats me like I would treat them....with respect.

DESIGNER

NYC chick thank you for saying this. This statement literally helped lift my spirits today. My actions right now(not calling him back all week) I know is saying so much more to him then my words have ever said to him!!!

I have been his doormat for way to long and I am done wasting my life being his doormat when I have so many wonderful qualities to offer to someone out there. The only way back into my life for him is for him to seek full recovery and treatment and I see a complete utter change in him....untill then if it ever happens I am going to live my life and move on!!! This is the only way....I have tried everything else and nothing has changed his behaviors so why waste my wonderful precious life frustrated trying to do it.

It is hard I won't lie to imagine my life without him but I am letting Jesus take the wheel for once and for all.

DESIGNER

See that is what love should be.....thank you for reminding me that there is that kind of love out there.

DESIGNER

I love this quote by the way!!!

TakingCharge999

"if it ever happens..."

When XAH and I broke up, we agreed to try once again after the stress of living together passed....

I foolishly thought we COULD be again together, what we once were.. a.k.a him not drinking, because the only times we fought he was drunk as hell.

A month later another alcoholic was living with him, his gf, and he treated me like dirt at work. He had forgotten all our promises. When I expressed my resentment, he sent ME to the psychiatrist, he said he just wanted to be happy and told me the following words that will always keep me as out of his way as possible

"I will drink until the very last day of my life".

Imagine YOUR ex has these same intentions. It hurts as hell, but assume Dr Jekyll is NEVER coming back. Assume Hyde has taken over. Forever. What are YOU going to do with your life now?

Mourning an alcoholic is a complicated mourning, but life with an active alcoholic IN DENIAL is not life. We just cannot wait for something to happen.

Yesterday I overheard him giving recommendations about food to feel better during a hangover. On Thursday morning. I got so angry and sad. But it was also a reminder - he is still the same addict in denial. And he may die that way. And I can continue blind to my life, thinking about HIS life, HIS motivations, HIS addiction, etc etc...

Or I can take a look at MY life.. MY mistakes..but also MY freedom...

We've got so much to look ahead for!!