New... and scared
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: Pennsylvania
Posts: 41
New... and scared
Tell me there is hope. I'm about to have his baby in 3 months, please tell me there is hope for our relationship and hope to bring this child into the world he deserves to live in. I miss the man I thought he was (well, was for a short time - or at least that's what he has be believing). I'm scared that I'm in over my head.
What is the first step?
What is the first step?
Welcome.
This is a wonderful site. You might start by reading the posts at the top of the forum to begin learning about alcoholism and how we can help ourselves when we get caught up in another's disease.
Have you attended al anon?
Miss
This is a wonderful site. You might start by reading the posts at the top of the forum to begin learning about alcoholism and how we can help ourselves when we get caught up in another's disease.
Have you attended al anon?
Miss
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Posts: 902
Hi and Welcome!
You will find a ton of support here. I don't know what your situation is, but it will get better for you and your child if that's what you decide. He will do what he wants regardless of how much you want him to get better. Understanding that is the best place to start. Big hugs to you!
You will find a ton of support here. I don't know what your situation is, but it will get better for you and your child if that's what you decide. He will do what he wants regardless of how much you want him to get better. Understanding that is the best place to start. Big hugs to you!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: Pennsylvania
Posts: 41
my story is complicated, just like everyone else here. Bottom line is this... meet him, he swept me off my feet and I fell in love. We moved in together and once I THOUGHT he was clean and sober, we decided to start a family. He fell off the wagon about a month ago (so he says) but hid it well... but not well enough. I found out Saturday that he was drinking and smoking pot again and it has been a rough week so far. I begged him to stop, asked him to get help... no rehab he says. He came home plastered Monday (said he had one beer and some valium), came home on something yesterday (passed out on the couch at 6:30 last night). He is sneeking things and now I don't trust him.
I feel trapped because I have NO idea where to even start recovery (for myself), how to deal with him, and being a first time mom... I have to deal with all of this scared out of my mind to have a child with this guy!
I can't stop crying... please someone give me so sort of direction!!
I feel trapped because I have NO idea where to even start recovery (for myself), how to deal with him, and being a first time mom... I have to deal with all of this scared out of my mind to have a child with this guy!
I can't stop crying... please someone give me so sort of direction!!
Last edited by brokenrockstar; 04-23-2009 at 05:31 AM.
Things are going to be okay. However chaotic your situation is, you will be okay.
No matter what is going on in your life, there is hope that it will be better.
What boundaries can you establish to make you feel better right now? Are you physically safe right now?
What is something you can do today to feel better? Sometimes just taking a bubble bath to calm down and just take a short while to calm your nerves helps. After that your mind is a little slower so you can think through things.
We have all been involved with alcoholics/addicts. There is a lot of advice here. Usually in the middle of the day, traffic on here picks up.
No matter what is going on in your life, there is hope that it will be better.
What boundaries can you establish to make you feel better right now? Are you physically safe right now?
What is something you can do today to feel better? Sometimes just taking a bubble bath to calm down and just take a short while to calm your nerves helps. After that your mind is a little slower so you can think through things.
We have all been involved with alcoholics/addicts. There is a lot of advice here. Usually in the middle of the day, traffic on here picks up.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: Pennsylvania
Posts: 41
To be able to stop crying would make me feel good. Other than that, maybe a walk or feeling the sun beat down on my face. This is first step? Trying to make myself feel good?
Thank you for your strength and advice.
Thank you for your strength and advice.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2009
Location: London, UK
Posts: 927
Hi... welcome to SR :ghug
As hard as this is going to be to accept.. there is no amount of begging, pleading, cajoling, blackmailing etc etc etc you can muster that is going to make him stop. The only person who can put a stop to it is him and it takes work. It is a progressive disease. It gets worse. The only one who can slam the brakes on and put it into reverse is him.
So, what you are left with is putting that energy you think you should put into him to make him the kind of sober reliable stable human being you think he should be and want him to be, into you. You and baby are paramount in this. Your physical, emotional and mental health are the things you can concentrate on. Concentrating on him and getting him out of his addiction are, unfortunately, wasted effort.
Al-Anon, here, anywhere you can talk to other people who are in your situation, a bit further along, or out the other side is a great place to start.
Keep posting.
As hard as this is going to be to accept.. there is no amount of begging, pleading, cajoling, blackmailing etc etc etc you can muster that is going to make him stop. The only person who can put a stop to it is him and it takes work. It is a progressive disease. It gets worse. The only one who can slam the brakes on and put it into reverse is him.
So, what you are left with is putting that energy you think you should put into him to make him the kind of sober reliable stable human being you think he should be and want him to be, into you. You and baby are paramount in this. Your physical, emotional and mental health are the things you can concentrate on. Concentrating on him and getting him out of his addiction are, unfortunately, wasted effort.
Al-Anon, here, anywhere you can talk to other people who are in your situation, a bit further along, or out the other side is a great place to start.
Keep posting.
Hey Star.
Since you are crying and upset in this moment, yes I think doing something for yourself to calm down and feel better for the moment will help you. Sounds like you are in need of big hugs right now. I have never been pregnant, but watching dozens/hundreds of family and friends having been, they hit days like everyone else when their emotions were heightened.
Your situation sounds like it is distressing you and the prego hormones are probably not helping with this.
When I am overcome with emotions, I take a walk, take a bath, try to read, tap a nap, do anything to take my mind off the problems until I can stop crying and am a bit calmer. Life is not as bad as it seems right now. You will get through this.
People here have been lied to, stolen from, pregnant, hit, cheated on, had spouses/boyfriends/girlfriends/best friends/family relapse...the whole spectrum. People here have truly seen it all and they are the ones who will share with you when they read ths post.
I hope I haven't upset you further. Sometimes a good cry though is really beneficial. I had had many walks through the neighborhood with my sunglasses on while I was bawling my eyes out.
Miss
Since you are crying and upset in this moment, yes I think doing something for yourself to calm down and feel better for the moment will help you. Sounds like you are in need of big hugs right now. I have never been pregnant, but watching dozens/hundreds of family and friends having been, they hit days like everyone else when their emotions were heightened.
Your situation sounds like it is distressing you and the prego hormones are probably not helping with this.
When I am overcome with emotions, I take a walk, take a bath, try to read, tap a nap, do anything to take my mind off the problems until I can stop crying and am a bit calmer. Life is not as bad as it seems right now. You will get through this.
People here have been lied to, stolen from, pregnant, hit, cheated on, had spouses/boyfriends/girlfriends/best friends/family relapse...the whole spectrum. People here have truly seen it all and they are the ones who will share with you when they read ths post.
I hope I haven't upset you further. Sometimes a good cry though is really beneficial. I had had many walks through the neighborhood with my sunglasses on while I was bawling my eyes out.
Miss
He is sneeking things and now I don't trust him.
As hard as it is, this is an excellent gut feeling and you must learn to listen to it. Why? Because if you continue to put trust into an active A you are choosing to set yourself up for misery and frustration.
Accept that you cannot trust an active A. And then plan accordingly.
Having your first child is a wonderful, life-changing and yes, stressful event! Do you have some girlfriends who you can rely on for help? Sane family members?
I would start building my support team outside of the Ahusband, because taking care of yourself and your baby as a new mother is serious and it isn't easy, even with a sober spouse.
please tell me there is hope for our relationship and hope to bring this child into the world he deserves to live in.
No one can tell you there is hope for your relationship. Only time and tide will reveal that, as even the wisest of people cannot know all ends.
But the great thing is you can decide the type of environment you bring your baby into. You can focus on your own mental health, on finding your own peace of mind regardless of your relationship status, and on protecting baby as much as possible from the unhealthy dynamic that exists in A families. Babies and children learn what they live.
It's great you're going to try AlAnon-- that's the place to learn tools to help yourself be the best you can be, whether AH is drinking or not. Because whether he drinks or not, lies or tells the truth, makes an effort to get sober/recovered or not, are things you have NO CONTROL over whatsoever. None. Believe it. He will not drink because of you and he will not stop because of you.
Also check out the stickies at the top of the front page of this forum-- lots of useful info there.
Please take good care of yourself, body and mind, you and baby both need strength and health!
Glad you're here - collectively on SR I think we've seen it all - so you're not alone - keep reaching out and good luck with your AlAnon meeting.
(((hugs)))
b
As hard as it is, this is an excellent gut feeling and you must learn to listen to it. Why? Because if you continue to put trust into an active A you are choosing to set yourself up for misery and frustration.
Accept that you cannot trust an active A. And then plan accordingly.
Having your first child is a wonderful, life-changing and yes, stressful event! Do you have some girlfriends who you can rely on for help? Sane family members?
I would start building my support team outside of the Ahusband, because taking care of yourself and your baby as a new mother is serious and it isn't easy, even with a sober spouse.
please tell me there is hope for our relationship and hope to bring this child into the world he deserves to live in.
No one can tell you there is hope for your relationship. Only time and tide will reveal that, as even the wisest of people cannot know all ends.
But the great thing is you can decide the type of environment you bring your baby into. You can focus on your own mental health, on finding your own peace of mind regardless of your relationship status, and on protecting baby as much as possible from the unhealthy dynamic that exists in A families. Babies and children learn what they live.
It's great you're going to try AlAnon-- that's the place to learn tools to help yourself be the best you can be, whether AH is drinking or not. Because whether he drinks or not, lies or tells the truth, makes an effort to get sober/recovered or not, are things you have NO CONTROL over whatsoever. None. Believe it. He will not drink because of you and he will not stop because of you.
Also check out the stickies at the top of the front page of this forum-- lots of useful info there.
Please take good care of yourself, body and mind, you and baby both need strength and health!
Glad you're here - collectively on SR I think we've seen it all - so you're not alone - keep reaching out and good luck with your AlAnon meeting.
(((hugs)))
b
Member
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: Australia
Posts: 167
I hope today is a better day for you. Just a word of warning. It does escalate and until they give it up for good, it will get worse. I found that once I started seeking help (counselling) my AH turned over a new leaf, or so I thought. He maintained excellent control of his drinking, maintained boundaries, had long periods of sobriety. But because he never gave up, there came a point - and it took 3 years - where I was right back where I started. Cowering in a corner, but now with 2 children to look after. So that was the next time I sought help, this time Al-Anon and it has made a huge difference to the quality of my life.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2008
Location: Toronto, Canada
Posts: 390
Hi Broken, I do know how you feel. I have an 18 month old. It is scary to think of what you will do to have and to protect this child. I spent many nights angry, pacing, resentful, full of anxiety over where he was, and I'd still fume after he'd stumbled through the door and passed out. I remember rubbing my belly and trying very hard to calm down because I felt that I was passing all those emotions to the baby. I also know the feeling of wanting to move on with life, which is why somehow I allowed myself to get pregnant. I also endured many nights of handling a screaming newborn when he went out and got wasted. But I don't regret it. My daughter is a beautiful, happy girl and I am blessed to have this wonderful creature in my life. She was also the one to finally give me strength where maybe I wouldn't have before.
Over the xmas holidays we were staying with friends, and the guys got wasted. He stumbled into the guest room and almost fell over trying to get into bed, and grabbed hold of the closest thing to steady himself - the baby's portable crib. Next day that was it for me. I told him we had to separate. 5 months later, he is sober and still in AA, and I've agreed to be back together with him. We will also be going to couples therapy and I will be going to individual therapy. Al Anon (and I was lucky to find a group that had babysitting) was truly a life-saver. Please consider it; it really gives hope and support (in person) and it helped me to rediscover myself, and what I could/couldn't put up with.
There is hope for you and this baby. Your life does not depend on him or what he does; it depends on what you do to protect yourself from his destruction. I kept telling my AH that I don't want his girl growing up to become like him, and that I'll do anything to prevent that. Please keep yourself and your baby safe. You have control over that for sure. Focus on this and the other stuff will slowly come.
Over the xmas holidays we were staying with friends, and the guys got wasted. He stumbled into the guest room and almost fell over trying to get into bed, and grabbed hold of the closest thing to steady himself - the baby's portable crib. Next day that was it for me. I told him we had to separate. 5 months later, he is sober and still in AA, and I've agreed to be back together with him. We will also be going to couples therapy and I will be going to individual therapy. Al Anon (and I was lucky to find a group that had babysitting) was truly a life-saver. Please consider it; it really gives hope and support (in person) and it helped me to rediscover myself, and what I could/couldn't put up with.
There is hope for you and this baby. Your life does not depend on him or what he does; it depends on what you do to protect yourself from his destruction. I kept telling my AH that I don't want his girl growing up to become like him, and that I'll do anything to prevent that. Please keep yourself and your baby safe. You have control over that for sure. Focus on this and the other stuff will slowly come.
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