ReadyToHelp

Hi Everyone,

We had our "talk" on Sunday during which I immediately said that I wanted him to move out. He put on his defensive AB look, and told me how I have been the reason we've had problems, I have made irrational demands on him, I was not happy when he worked less, have not been happy when he started working more and contributed more (he's contributed about the same even while having 2 waiter jobs: about half of what he's supposed to contribute), I push people away, I have no friends because I make demands on people, I have to look at myself and wonder what I'm doing to turn people off. Everything is better in his life but worse in mine. It's all my fault. OK. I put on my shield and let him talk for a good hour, so he could remove the feelings of blame from himself and place them on me. Whatever it takes. That's what kept me from correcting his b.s. criticism. And I got my result: He agreed to leave if I gave him until May 31.

Yesterday we went to the leasing office and he signed the paperwork!! He'll be out by May 31. What an achievement! I was relieved and saddened, because he felt the need to put me down to try to save the lifestyle I allowed him to live. I gave him a better lifestyle in which he could easily spend more money on liquor, have privacy while I'm at work, and not contribute because I would never let rent go unpaid. I set the tone. And he didn't even earn anything I gave him.

Of course, if his demeanor changes, I will definitely file an order of protection against him. There is no question about that. I tolerate nothing anymore. There are too many reports of men attacking women because the women want out. I believe I will be okay, but I believe in keeping one eye open.

Thank you everyone for helping me get through this. It's not over, but almost. It took a lot of work - reading the messages on this board, reading the responses to my messages, absorbing what you guys are saying, reading books on the topic, looking at myself for answers, admitting that I've contributed to the problem: I've tolerated behavior that is beneath my standards. That was the only way I was able to have the mental courage to let him go in my heart. I decided that I have to change my mindset, and my opinion about me, if I want out or a chance for a better life.

You need friends to help you through this. This I know for sure.

I deserve a man who will love me and respect me the way I want, and who will treat me like a woman, a lady, with kindess and decency. This treatment is way beneath me and I can't believe I sniffed his clothes almost every night for months. I didn't even get up to check his cell last night. Sorry, that's beneath my standards. If I have to check who you're calling then I don't need to be with you. If I have to smell your breath to see if you smell like Nyquil, Listerine, any other alcohol or coffee, and rack my brains out trying to figure out which it could be...then I don't need to be with you either! And if I have to wonder how it could be that you worked a double shift at an upscale restaurant and made only $150, then you need to be living in your own place telling that lie to your landlord.

Thank you everyone. I pray that I will stay safe and get through the next 40 days peacefully. I can and I will. I am in pain and cry throughout the day, but I know this is for the best - and I choose my happiness over this insult of a relationship.

REALLY READY

readyforhelp

:ghug3 Good for you!!!!

Bernadette

(((readytohelp))))
hang in there and stay strong--you sound very clear and focused!
peace,
b

MissFixit

hugs

GiveLove

Oooooh, gotta put on my shades.........that is some BRILLIANT light coming off you, girl. Way to go!!!

ReadyToHelp

Thank you!! I am praying that it all works out. I must stay focused and can't be sucked into debates on who's right and wrong. I think I'll keep my gym membership and work out after work. Gotta reward myself with a healthier lifestyle.

GiveLove

Plus it helps keep your blood pressure down and helps you sleep, which keeps you sane and balanced Does your gym have a hot tub? mmmmm

ReadyToHelp

No hot tub, but it has a pool. And I can't swim!! I am thinking of taking swimming lessons, but after he moves out. I need to hoard my funds in case I need to leave, or give him money for the security deposit. (Whatever it takes.)

My list of things I'm doing with the ABF moves out is getting bigger and more expensive. I think therapy has got to be at the top, and I may have to start it soon. I want to be able to fly alone, and I can't have any fears or phobias lingering.

GiveLove

Oh, I dunno, I had plenty of fears and phobias when I flew off on my own.....HIS presence sure wasn't helping me conquer them LOL......but therapy helped, and taking really small bites of things that scared me. Martha Beck has an awesome section on that in The Joy Diet -- small, graduated risks that start from almost nothing and work your way up. VERY cool.

Proud of you!!
:ghug3

ItsmeAlice

I think tackling some fears and learning something new (like swimming)are splendid ideas!!

Combine these with SR, Al-Anon, and therapy (whatever time and funds will allow) will help you overcome some internal barriers that will strengthen your resolve and help you gain the confidence and independence to start your brand new life.

You give me hope that it is possible to bring this conversation up with my ABF and actually get through it.

Stay this course, you're doing great!!!

Alice

ReadyToHelp

Thank you, GiveLove. I'll look into the book. My fears will not affect my plans to let the ABF go.

I just want to take trips and do things for myself that I never did while in relationships, or while alone. Maybe small bits would work. That's a neat way of looking it it.

Thank you. I think I've spent enough time strengthing my shield tonight.

Have a great night!
:ghug2

AWEDA

You are doing the right thing. Beware he may try the "I'm going to change and be on my best behavior routine."

I am so happy you are prepared to call the police if you have too.
My EXAH was taken away after the 3rd time I called he never actually hit me but I was very scared of him when he was drunk.

Your taking care of you , that is awesome!!!
:ghug3

TakingCharge999

"I deserve a man who will love me and respect me the way I want, and who will treat me like a woman, a lady, with kindess and decency."

AMEN to that...
Keep posting, we'll be here for you Keep the gym membership, that will help you through these difficult times!!

Denoraphy

Readytohelp,

I feel so PROUD of you and I don't even know you. I can feel your strength through your post. Stay strong!

tallulah

go you

ReadyToHelp

Hi Alice, you can do anything you set your mind to do. It's about strategizing and listening quietly to what will work. All my friends told me he'll never sign and to just kick him out. (Well, there were legal lease holder issues that they wanted to ignore. But they wouldn't be stuck letting him back in after being thrown out into the street!) I figured I needed to let him feel like he was part of the decision making process. He's got a big ego, with little self esteem, so he had to feel like I was the problem. I let him talk and talk; I guess to convince himself that it was me. But also, I knew he never had a history of violence, from what his family is telling me. I am the only constant in this equation, so I knew what could happen regardless of what anyone else has said. I still have 39 days. My "I'm the blame" game could back fire. But I don't think so.

Building up the courage is about being honest with yourself and deciding that you have been living unconsciously. This book: How to Raise Your Self Esteem, the author's website (The Official Web Site of Dr. Nathaniel Branden), along with books on alcoholics (Getting Them Sober Vol 1 and 4), books on relationships (Why Men Love Bitches) and SR have made me realize that I have been ignoring my contribution to my very own unhappiness...by allowing people who treat me poorly to be a part of my life. Anthony Robbins' new program "Creating Lasting Change" was the enabler's fantasy - how to influence people to change. But I got a lot out of it for myself: the question: What were my motivations for tolerating his inappropriate behavior? Connection/love and significance, two of what he calls Human Needs. That was a big revelation for me.


Thank you, Aweda! I am emotionally prepared for that, too. I am emotionally detached - the self help books made me realize I've been ignoring the truth about people so that I can continue to feed my need to feel connected. I protect my mind from the truth because I want to stay attached. How's that for self discovery!!?? So, that explains why I haven't reached my potential yet: I'm busy looking for approval from others!

I am also completely convinced that he must hit rock bottom and the only reason he hasn't is because his family and ex wife have protected him from it. And I came along and carried on the tradition! Well, like Anthony Robbins said in his new program, my Life Conditions don't match my BluePrint. I am supporting his self destruction by allowing him to be here. That's not who I am. I do not support alcoholics, but I sure am supporting one now!!

Thank you, Denoraphy!!! I feel proud of myself. The people on SR have helped me through their responses to my posts and through their responses to others'. It's been an amazing journey. You really do need people to help you through life's challenges. Even strangers!! I can't believe how much I've gotten from everyone.

Dreamer, I will definitely stay here. I will need support especially after May 31, when he's gone for real and it's quiet and my mind starts playing tricks on me by remembering the good times (as it did during the 18 years after college. I bet you I blocked out the bad stuff he made me feel, even though he wasn't an A back then, I bet you he was taking advantage of my naivete and innocence and I was dumb enough to follow him like a puppy and be thankful for the crumbs of attention and affection he threw my way!!! Oh no, what a thought!! ) and dissolving the reasons I decided we're not a fit.

I'm signing off for now because I want to get some things done while he's away for the night and enjoy the quiet, and think about being strong and focus on gently but firmly, directing any sense of wishy washyness to a sense of seriousness regarding our break up. Did that make sense?

Visualization. I have to practice seeing him in my mind walk around the apartment in silence, not looking at me, me not looking at him; I have to practice asking no questions, and being not curious and appearing concerned. He goes out when he wants and comes when he wants. I have to imagine him saying my name, and not "Sweetheart" or "My love", or not saying my name at all. One word answers. Goodbyes without kisses. No hugs. That way, when it actually happens, it won't hurt as much because I've already seen it in my mind. And if he's just plain cold, so be it. That'll be the other truth I didn't want to experience: his reaction once he realizes it's really over.

Thank you for your support. I am praying for all of us.
:praying