nowwhat

This has very little to do with my ABF (except that, in a way, it does).

I need to make a decision right now about my job. I am a teacher, and I have to sign my contract by Thursday. If I don't, it's considered a non-renewal.

I am feeling desperately anxious about this. Here's why:

My job has a lot of good points, but its HUGE drawback is that it drains me physically and emotionally.

I have three children that I take care of almost entirely by myself. One is 17, almost 18, and has a chronic medical condition and psychiatric problems. None of this is severe, but it's enough that he needs a lot of attention and appointments with docs. It is extremely difficult for me to miss work, and causes an enormous amount of trouble for me and my colleagues.

My two little ones are mostly healthy, but they also have days when I need to take care of them, see above.

I have decided to pursue (another) master's degree in counseling. Hoping to go into school counseling and having supervised hours count toward a license to do private counseling. This will free me up considerably.

I don't need to make a ton of money (I receive a heft child support payment every month), but I do need benefits for me and my eldest (not my XAH's son).

I feel like I'm falling apart, physically and emotionally. The idea of signing up for another year of this job, with no chance of exit, feels totally, completely impossible.

But, I have to work.

And, the economy is bad.

I can't wait on this for some spiritual thing to happen and guide me!

The only way this relates to my ABF is that I have this niggling feeling that if I end my relationship with him, I will feel better, and possibly more up to what needs to be done with my job.

The contrast between our lives hurts me--he is part time everything (work, parent, bf) and has total financial freedom.

I have to bust my a$$ just to make time to "date" him--and I don't really want a "dating" relationship after two years. I'd like it to be more natural and not have to hire babysitters just to spend a couple of hours together.

I am freaking out.

Can anyone help?

Alphawoman

Dear Nowwhat,

I understand we all the right to make our own decisions in our lives but, may I ask you why you would want to deepen your relationship with your ABF when you already have so much on your plate with your children?

You will only hear what I'm about to say and take action when it's the appropriate time for you to do so....but why on earth do you want a relationship with an A? Is that the kind of life you want to lead and expose your children to?

My XABF is someone I've known for over 40 years. My head must have been in the clouds 2 1/2 years ago when I thought all he needed was someone to love him and help him out of the space he'd fallen into. He has a former wife and children and life for them has/is no picnic. I understand he's got some absolutely wonderful qualities or I would never have got together with him. I was seeing his potential only not the realities having a relationship with an A brings to us. Also, as an enabler, I've not been any good for him. I don't have any children and man I wouldn't want my dog to witness his change of personality when he's drunk.

Perhaps you could contact a counselor for yourself PDQ so you don't jump from the frying pan into the fire for your sake as well as your children's. Get yourself on solid ground, take the job, and then take the time to pursue another career while you have a job to support your family.

I'll tell you what everyone's been telling me for almost 3 years....You're a professional woman.....don't you want more from your life?

Please you have my thoughts and prayers. Help yourself get the H--L out of Dodge while you can and not ruin your life or the lives of your children.

Alphawoman

Bernadette

I think, despite your statement at the beginning that this might have a lot to do w/your relationship w/ ABF.

Any one thing - teaching - caring for high-need children, dealing with an alcoholic loved one -- just any one of those is ENOUGH to drain a person!

It sounds like you have resentments building up in regard to ABF - and that is never healthy - yet you may be keeping him at arm's length wisely -since to have things be more "natural" as you put it would probably involve a greater level of commitment and intimacy - and alcoholism is a big reason to not hitch yourself to that person.

What do you do on a regular basis to take care of you? To re-fill the tanks that are drained by teaching and single motherhood? Can you build more of that stuff into your life? If not, why not?

You don't have to answer me obviously, these were just the things that popped in my head....you have a lot on your plate - and you can only do so much, something's gotta give!
(((((nowwhat))))))
peace,
b

nowwhat

ABF is very, very high functioning (physician), has never been abusive and is sweet to me, with only occasional conflicts. We don't live together.

Anyhew. I am not ready to make a decision about him, today, but I'm giving myself an ultimatum (ha) that says something about deciding this summer,when I'm not stressed.

The job decision can't wait. It's the thing that is freaking me out (although I'm not naive and I realize everything plays together here).

I don't WANT to commit to another year. I CAN'T take the job and start looking for another, because once you sign, you are responsible to work the next year.

It's hard, because in a different sort of job, I could just look while keeping the job. I can't start looking now, because I'm not available until June.

But I might not be able to find anything, so it's incredibly risky to just "not sign."

In my perfect world, I'd teach part time. My boss said okay, but with the caveat that only if she NEEDS someone part time (reasonable), and that she can't give me an answer right now.

But I don't want to sign.

I don't want to be "stuck" for another year, and be going through this again next spring. I had the same struggle last year and decided just to go for it, that surely this year would be easier. It wasn't.

I don't feel like I have what it takes to be a full time teacher and a good mother. I feel like my kids are suffering.

Today, for instance, I made my 17 year old stay home to take care of my 4 year old who has a fever. I had no one else to call, and since I missed a day last week (she was sick then, too), I was worried about the ramifications of missing another day.

Any help with the decision? Yes, I know, the BF thing needs to be addressed. But TODAY (or at least by Thursday) I need to make a very, very big decision.

(I could always substitute or do temp work next year. No benefits, bad pay, but lots of flexibility. I could do it, financially, but it would be very tight).

Bernadette

Sounds like you've made the job decision!

You say repeatedly you don't want to sign!

So don't sign....then you have a clean slate in front of you to figure out what you can do!

Good luck - it's a tough time to say "No" to work...but it sounds like your mental health is at stake and you should do the thing that preserves your good mental health!

peace,
b

nowwhat

Another post:

I just started seeing a therapist. She thinks I should push for a commitment with the ABF. She also thinks I should work part time. This is a new counseling relationship and I'm not sure what I think yet.

I also started taking an antidepressant a few weeks ago, seems to help some.

I also decided to apply to grad school and was accepted, have charted a plan and am looking forward to that.

As far as any self "nurturing" I haven't made it that far. I'm frail (weight loss and I'm thin anyhow), have terrible insomnia, don't exercise, have no friends outside of school and ABF, little family support, not much support of any type.

I am a mess.

Freedom1990

I'd find a new therapist ASAP. Just my two cents.

LaTeeDa

First, I agree with Freedom. Any therapist who thinks you should push for a committment with an alcoholic is not good for you.

I will also say that when I was involved with an A, I was physically and emotionally drained--all the time. I blamed it on my job, my kids, my responsibilities, you name it. Amazingly, when I ended the relationship, I had more energy for everything in my life. I actually felt 20 years younger. So, you may think it's the job that's dragging you down (and I still have issues with my job, too), but you may not realize just how much mental energy you are putting into your relationship. (Or your wishes for a realtionship.)

The other thing I notice, is that you seem to repeatedly point out how much money BF has, how easy his life is compared to yours, etc. I may be way off base here, but it seems to me that maybe you have a bit of a "rescue fantasy" going on. As in, if he would just step up to the plate and commit to more than a "dating" relationship, your life would be easier as a result. This is very dangerous thinking and can lead you into some really troubling dependence scenarios.

L

nowwhat

Yes, I am fighting this tooth and nail. He has offered many times to "replace my salary." I have refused, but it is hard when I struggle so badly.

Earlier in the school year, we began talking about getting engaged at the end of this school year. He said he wanted to and then be engaged for a year, then married. I wanted it. He has changed his mind--not ready. It hurts, but I think the real resentment lies in that I feel yanked around. How am I supposed to plan my life? I really don't care about money, much--but yeah, it would be nice to feel less pressure and to feel like I had plan.

THIS is what I'm wondering about. How much of this emotional strain is the job, and how much is the underlying stress of being involved with ABF. He's not a classic "drunk" but he is emotionally unstable and takes a lot of maintenance.

I think I know what I need to do in my relationship but I'm so unhealthy right now I don't think I can make any changes until the school year's over. I think I might go right over the edge if I do.

I have a really, really hard time with decisions. My heart and a good 3/4 of my head is telling me this is not the job for me--that my kids need more from me, and that I can only do what I'm capable of doing. The other 1/4 of my head is saying "what kind of irresponsible fool would quit a perfectly good job without another one lined up?"

I have seen the phrase "jump and the net will appear." I wish I had that kind of faith. I have never had any trouble getting a job, but this economy makes it a whole different ball of wax.

Freedom1990

That statement alone would send me running in the opposite direction never to look back.

Is this what you want in a partner? Alcoholism is a progressive disease; it only gets worse, never better.

I understand what you are saying about being weak, but you're not going to draw up any reserves of strength waiting for the 'right' time.

It's a slow insidious process being involved with an active A. We are slowly robbed of any sense of self.

The saddest thing for me is I always focused on how damned selfish my EXAH was, yet I was just as selfish, sacrificing my oldest daughter at the altar of codependency. I was not fully there for her because my life was him.

Today at age 31, she's an active addict/alcoholic, and I have to own my part in what I exposed her to all those years.

LaTeeDa

You feel yanked around because you are putting your eggs in his basket. Take him out of the equation. Make a plan for yourself that does not involve him at all. This doesn't mean you have to dump him. It just means that you stop wrapping your fate in his whims. We all have to take care of ourselves. Stop imagining him taking care of your needs and start doing what you have to do to take care of your own needs. If you do this, I promise you will no longer feel "yanked around" because what he does or doesn't do will not upset your apple cart.

You need to make yourself a priority. How can you possibly make a rational decision about anything when you are (in your own words) "a mess?" I know it may seem impossible, but if you realign your priorities, putting yourself at the top, your kids next, and the A much farther down the list, your life will get better. As long as you are counting on him, your life will never get better.

L

nowwhat

This is what I'm doing. It's why I'm going to start grad school for a career change that I think will be wonderful long term, if very difficult in the short run.

I am not counting on him, because I know he can't be counted on.

Now I'm trying to work my way into--why would I want to be in a relationship with someone I can't count on? I WILL get there, but I'm not there yet.

Thank you for this thought. I really think the summer is better for me, because then I can spend time taking care of myself. Getting outside, gardening, swimming with the kids, painting, cooking--all feed my soul. Right now I'm so tired when I get home that all I can manage is taking care of the kids. I do my best to be present for them, but I often fall short because I'm so harried.

This. Exactly. My children are not exposed to any bad behavior, but I know in my heart that I'm too focused on ABF and not enough on them. Even though, physically, I'm almost always with them--my mind is wandering.

Bernadette

He said he wanted to and then be engaged for a year, then married. I wanted it.

This stunned me.
Why would you want to be married to an alcoholic?

My father also was not the "classic" drunk. (by the way there is no classic drunk!! alcoholism cuts across all lines of socioeconomics, race, religion, gender, outward appearance, etc).
My father never lost his job due to drinking.
Never had a DUI, miraculously.
But he was an alcoholic through and through and it made our lives aliving hell growing up and it destroyed some of my mother's best qualities. She is still warped, even though my dad did eventually recover and found sobriety through AA, my mother is permanently damaged!!!

You mentioned your therapist thinks you should press for commitment - does she know he is an alcoholic?

peace,
b

gowest

Re: the job.

I completely understand where you are coming from but want you to think about a couple of points.

Can you afford to quit even if it is "very tight"? How tight? Foreclosure tight? Or no extras, no movies, no allowance for the teenager tight?

There is a difference between no security tight and doing without tight. If it is doing without I'd say quit. If it is no security I'd say don't quit.

I just watched someone moan about how much they hated their job for 4 months. They were indeed miserable. Their job did indeed suck. They were laid off and faced foreclosure and boy did their perspective change. Instead of being up all night worrying about their unhappiness they were up all night worrying about where would they live, would there be food on the table, etc.

Sometimes a job is just a job and it sucks. When we didn't have children it didn't matter as much. We could quit. We could be destitute and sleep on a friend's couch while we got our life together.

I think some people are very lucky in that they love their work. At this moment in time I am happy just to have work. When the economy is better I will be able to worry about whether I like it or not.

Just my opinion.

I would be curious to see if you felt more energized with out the AB.

LaTeeDa

Ah, but you are discussing marriage with him, feeling "yanked around" by him, asking "how am I supposed to plan my future?" and discussing pressing for committment with your counselor. So, you are not focused on YOUR life apart from his. You still have a "foot in each room," so to speak. No wonder you are exhausted and confused.

Once you become your number one priority, things will get better, and not one moment sooner.

L

nowwhat

You know what's weird? I have been trying to avoid discussing my relationship in therapy--because I'm tired of thinking about it and wanting to change my focus.

We actually haven't been discussing marriage since December. I have been trying to decide if I want this relationship if it's not heading this way.

By classic drunk, I mean I've never seen my BF "sloppy." He is always a lot of fun to drink with. His problem is A) He says things impulsively when drinking and B) He has a mood disorder and drinking seems to make it worse.

I really don't know that I accepted that he was an A until recently. We broke up last winter for awhile b/c I called BS on his actions not matching his words, then when we got back together it seemed to have changed. Only after reading this board and a lot of other stuff, and witnessing his behavior while he was quitting did I realize that the alcohol is truly an issue. It's not about drunken ugliness, though.

As far as my job goes, yes, I could make do without it (I would have to work, but I don't have to have this job). I have never liked teaching, it has always drained way too much energy (introvert) but it was the best thing I could think of when I was getting divorced.

A decision to leave would not really have anything to do with my relationship. I am really not wanting this thread to be about my relationship but more about ME--but it seems to have become about my ABF + me. Just like therapy!

I think the bottom line is, I don't like how my life is working right now. It needs to change in so many ways--but where to start?

Bernadette

I don't like how my life is working right now. It needs to change in so many ways--but where to start?

Well it's very exciting that you're going to go to grad school!!! I went back to school recently (my sons are teenagers) and it has been hard ($$$) but really exciting - it took me a long time to take the plunge and pursue this new career-- like when I look back at my journals I was wringing my hands about the decision 5 years before I actually made it!

Your Thursday decision seems to be forcing your hand....good luck...
peace,
b

GiveLove

nowwhat,

I'd encourage you to go back and re-read some of your previous posts where you talked about your ABF's hurtful behavior. Not saying you should end it, but it seems you've glossing over some of the things he's said and done. I haven't.

Could you consider not working if he was a ditch digger, and not a doctor?

How much of his financial stature are you keeping in mind as you make this decision? How dependent on him do you want to get? He already has you on a string because of money, from the sound of it - reeling you in and spinning you out at his whim, while he throws money at his ex whenever she needs the slightest thing.

Would you tolerate some of his behaviors if he wasn't financially well-off?

Would dealing with the situation with him give you more energy to build resilience and happiness in other areas, like your employment situation?

Me? I'm huge on day-to-day happiness, and wouldn't stay in a job that stressed me out. But I'd be looking at all of the factors in my life to determine why it was so stressful, and see if there's some pressure buildup in other areas that may be causing it.

If relief on other fronts STILL didn't make me want to go to work, and if I had the possibility of working part time, I'd certainly jump at it with both feet. Yes, I am a "leap and the net will appear" kind of person...

Will your employer need part time people? I'm guessing so. Budget cuts being as they are, my money's on them needing you, and you therefore being able to do what you want to do: work part-time, keep a tight budget, go to school, and be less stressed out.

Just my hunch, for what it's worth.

Good luck in your decision!!

LaTeeDa

It's like trying to ignore the elephant in the living room. You don't want to talk about it, but there it is......

But as long as you are wallowing in the "what ifs" of your relationship with him, then it is a big part of YOU. You cannot disconnect it. As long as you are in a relationship that affects your moods, behaviors, and thinking, these are your issues.

By addressing your issues. Not what the BF does/doesn't do, not what he says, not that you can't count on HIM, but your reactions to all those things.

From the original post:
I would say that is your inner guidance trying to get your attention. My intuition is usually quiet and non-threatening. It never shouts to get my attention. It's always softly present--that niggling feeling, as you say.

Also from the original post:
This is your issue. You feel hurt because of something he has (or appears to have) that you want. Clinging to him in an attempt to get a piece of that will not help you. Addressing the part of you that feels hurt by someone else's lifestyle is the only way toward peace.

L

nowwhat

I agree. That's what's eating me up. Signing the contract is making a decision. Not signing--also a decision. There is no avoiding a decision right now, but I don't feel ready to make it. Actually, that's not true, I know what I want to do but I'm scared.

Yes, the not working does not depend on his money. I have enough to make it on my own. Not "foreclosure" tight but coupon clipping, bargain shopping tight.

I would probably not go out with a ditch digger, though, to be honest. I am oriented toward educated, liberal men and most ditch diggers are neither of these.

I think so--but I don't know. I do know I'd rather be in love with someone who wanted to share a life with me, no matter what their income bracket. It may be old-fashioned, but to me loving someone means sharing and helping each other. I do a lot of sharing and helping, even though it is not material in nature.

This is my first BF with money. It's a deal all unto itself.

I agree that this is my issue. I really don't think it's about clinging to money--I've never been into money per se--but I think I am desperate for some kind of safety and security, and that in ABF's case, that seems to be what he has to offer.

I am strongly leaning toward NOT signing the contract. I think I can do it. I think I can make it work. And THAT, honestly, has absolutely nothing to do with my relationship.