But what if they CAN'T manage their own lives?
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Join Date: May 2004
Location: Minnesota
Posts: 80
But what if they CAN'T manage their own lives?
I know that I'm supposed to "let go and let God" and let my 52-year-old brother manage his own life. The thing is, he's proven repeatedly that he can't. He does okay when he has someone to keep an eye on him, but left to his own devices he drinks himself to oblivion. Basically, my brother needs a keeper. So what do you do when someone is incapable (or unwilling) to take care of themselves. Just let them die? That's a hard thing to do when you love someone.
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Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
You do whatever you can live with.
I could've devoted the remaining days of my life to being my sister's keeper.
Given up my own peace of mind, my time for my own joys, my old age savings, my community service to others, my mental health, the time I spend working here, the college degree I never got to work on until now, the job I love that I built from the ground up, my calm and happy marriage. Could've packed it all up, thrown it away, and moved to Los Angeles to be her full-time babysitter and caregiver 'because I loved her' (which I did.)
Sure, I could've poured it all down the hole of her alcoholism. And you know what? She still would've found a way to drink herself into oblivion. Only then we'd BOTH be dead inside.
I don't believe we're put here to save our loved ones at the cost of our own lives, when they are perfectly capable of saving their own life, but simply refuse to do the hard work. Your brother is capable of doing the hard work. He just won't.
Me? I chose life. I did everything I could, then finally agreed to let my sister live her own life, even if I didn't agree with her choices, even if that meant that she'd walk this earth fewer days. I was grateful for the time we had. I did not give her life, nor did I take it away.
But you do whatever you can live with. My counselor helped me find exactly where that boundary was.
Good luck
I could've devoted the remaining days of my life to being my sister's keeper.
Given up my own peace of mind, my time for my own joys, my old age savings, my community service to others, my mental health, the time I spend working here, the college degree I never got to work on until now, the job I love that I built from the ground up, my calm and happy marriage. Could've packed it all up, thrown it away, and moved to Los Angeles to be her full-time babysitter and caregiver 'because I loved her' (which I did.)
Sure, I could've poured it all down the hole of her alcoholism. And you know what? She still would've found a way to drink herself into oblivion. Only then we'd BOTH be dead inside.
I don't believe we're put here to save our loved ones at the cost of our own lives, when they are perfectly capable of saving their own life, but simply refuse to do the hard work. Your brother is capable of doing the hard work. He just won't.
Me? I chose life. I did everything I could, then finally agreed to let my sister live her own life, even if I didn't agree with her choices, even if that meant that she'd walk this earth fewer days. I was grateful for the time we had. I did not give her life, nor did I take it away.
But you do whatever you can live with. My counselor helped me find exactly where that boundary was.
Good luck
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Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
Until I was allowed to fully feel the consequences of my continued drinking/drugging, I was never going to hit a bottom.
I understand how difficult it is to watch someone self-destruct.
My alternative is to step in and try to 'manage' things.
I've tried that with more than one person. It's exhausting at best, and drains me physically, emotionally, and spiritually at worst. It also slowly robs me of my sanity.
It took every excruciating thing I went through in order to finally reach out for help.
I won't rob someone else of that chance by attempting to manage their life, and that includes my oldest AD.
I understand how difficult it is to watch someone self-destruct.
My alternative is to step in and try to 'manage' things.
I've tried that with more than one person. It's exhausting at best, and drains me physically, emotionally, and spiritually at worst. It also slowly robs me of my sanity.
It took every excruciating thing I went through in order to finally reach out for help.
I won't rob someone else of that chance by attempting to manage their life, and that includes my oldest AD.
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Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: FL
Posts: 14,246
My son had the right to manage his own life and he also had the right to face the consequences of his actions. The problem I had was that his dad and I kept interfering with that second 'right' that I mentioned. Every time we did things for him that we thought he could have and should have done- we took away the pain that was needed to get him to a point of wanting to change. In our family, our actions prolonged his use; because when finally left on his own, my son did decide to get and stay clean.
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Join Date: Apr 2004
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The thing is, he's proven repeatedly that he can't. He does okay when he has someone to keep an eye on him, but left to his own devices he drinks himself to oblivion.
Now, the only thing you can do is change your 'conditioning.'
Yes, he is an adult, and one day, when no one comes to rescue him, he will reach his bottom. YOU cannot SAVE him ........................................ as much as you would like to, you cannot, you don't have the power.
Allow HP to take over for you. Put him in HP's hands. Don't watch if it is too painful. But, he will be alright one way or another.
Are you going to AlAnon? Have you read "Co Dependent No More" by Melodie Beattie? This would be a good place for you to start on your own recovery.
J M H O
Love and hugs,
I'm growing
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Right where I need to be
Posts: 601
Yes, have enough respect for him to allow him to live his own life, make his own choices, and endure his own consequences.
If you keep throwing a matress underneath him, he will never hit bottom
If you keep throwing a matress underneath him, he will never hit bottom
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Join Date: May 2004
Location: Upstate New York
Posts: 1,636
He probably can't manage his own life...After all, if left to our own devices, most of us can't. But we all have a HP who will manage it for us if we let that HP do it.
That includes your brother: he has a HP that will manage his life for him if and when he gets ready to let that HP do it.
...and, since you are not his HP, the only thing you accomplish by trying to manage his life for him is to get in the way of his being forced to turn to his HP.
Is that really a responsibility you want to try to take? ..... and, BTW, what happens to the management of your own life when you try to do so?
freya
That includes your brother: he has a HP that will manage his life for him if and when he gets ready to let that HP do it.
...and, since you are not his HP, the only thing you accomplish by trying to manage his life for him is to get in the way of his being forced to turn to his HP.
Is that really a responsibility you want to try to take? ..... and, BTW, what happens to the management of your own life when you try to do so?
freya
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Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: md
Posts: 3,042
If he "has to" drink himself to oblivion, then get out of the way or you'll end up in oblivion with him. Maybe you won't get there by drinking, but he'll take you there, I promise, if you take that ride with him. Let go and let God!
Love,
KJ
Love,
KJ
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Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 125
Rock Bottom
Osakis,
Listen to everyone here. It took me almost 2 years to realize that my ABF, my college sweetheart, with whom I was reunited after 18 years of sporatic communication, has been protected from his rock bottom by his family and ex wife, and now me.
Someone has always come to his aid. I found out they even set him up in an apartment and gave him a car!! Ok. You don't reward bad behavior with such big gifts as an apartment and car. Rehab paid for. Stayed at this one's house, that one's house. He wasn't appreciative of any of it. I carried on the torch when he moved in with me. More stuff without earning any of it.
It's now time for my love to be on his own. His family will not take him in. He's burned bridges with family, distant relatives and friends. This is it. He is scheduled to leave my place by the end of next month. He'll be on his own.
I love him. His family loves him. We love our A's. But we can't use the same mindset we use on ourselves and each other. We have to fight fire with fire. We can't bring a pound cake to terrorists and ask them to sit down and talk about our differences and misunderstandings.
I truly believe that my love has to hit his bottom - whether it be realizing he's alone in the world, or he's on the streets homeless (yuk, he'd definitely come to his senses...or would he...?), kicked out by a guy roommate who won't take any of his b.s., or just completely passed out drunk, and wakes up alone, in a hospital, and stays for days or weeks with no visitors. The only one he has to turn to is his HP and himself.
We can't soften the blow anymore. If I never got a spanking for yelling at my parents, then I'd be yelling at them today. We all must suffer consequences, so we learn we can't do the wrong thing. And A's must experience a consequence that is equivalent to or exceeds the effect that alcohol brings to them. It feels unnatural to us because we see them approaching the brick wall, and it's not right to stop a person from slipping on a banana peel if you see the peel ahead of him. But in this world of addiction, like my love's old roommate from the sober house said: "If you love him the way you say you do, you will let him hit rock bottom. He will curse you, call you names and be angry with you. But if he makes it, he will thank you for saving him. Not now, not next year, but he will one day. If you keep protecting him, you are helping him drink himself to death."
That was enough for me.
At the end of May, I will watch him leave (or he'll disappear) and I will pray to never hear those dreadful words. I will pray to hear one day that he's better, humble, and is working and living in his own place. That may be in 5 years or 10 years. I cannot be a part of the triangle in which he's entangled with his HP and the devil. There's no corner for me.
Look at GiveLove's post. What a sacrifice it would have been. But for what? A simple response: "I never asked you to."
Freedom has been there. Listen to those words. Freedom knows better than you could ever know.
CMC also saw the results of leaving the child alone. Again, this is more than you can ever know.
We've not been there. They have. They have.
If you could save him, we'd all be exchanging our magic methods. I know I'd be reading every one of them, I'd have them all printed out, in a notebook, with tabs, separated by topic. And I'd try each method until I got the right one. ;-)
Bless you and good luck.
Good luck.
Ready.
Listen to everyone here. It took me almost 2 years to realize that my ABF, my college sweetheart, with whom I was reunited after 18 years of sporatic communication, has been protected from his rock bottom by his family and ex wife, and now me.
Someone has always come to his aid. I found out they even set him up in an apartment and gave him a car!! Ok. You don't reward bad behavior with such big gifts as an apartment and car. Rehab paid for. Stayed at this one's house, that one's house. He wasn't appreciative of any of it. I carried on the torch when he moved in with me. More stuff without earning any of it.
It's now time for my love to be on his own. His family will not take him in. He's burned bridges with family, distant relatives and friends. This is it. He is scheduled to leave my place by the end of next month. He'll be on his own.
I love him. His family loves him. We love our A's. But we can't use the same mindset we use on ourselves and each other. We have to fight fire with fire. We can't bring a pound cake to terrorists and ask them to sit down and talk about our differences and misunderstandings.
I truly believe that my love has to hit his bottom - whether it be realizing he's alone in the world, or he's on the streets homeless (yuk, he'd definitely come to his senses...or would he...?), kicked out by a guy roommate who won't take any of his b.s., or just completely passed out drunk, and wakes up alone, in a hospital, and stays for days or weeks with no visitors. The only one he has to turn to is his HP and himself.
We can't soften the blow anymore. If I never got a spanking for yelling at my parents, then I'd be yelling at them today. We all must suffer consequences, so we learn we can't do the wrong thing. And A's must experience a consequence that is equivalent to or exceeds the effect that alcohol brings to them. It feels unnatural to us because we see them approaching the brick wall, and it's not right to stop a person from slipping on a banana peel if you see the peel ahead of him. But in this world of addiction, like my love's old roommate from the sober house said: "If you love him the way you say you do, you will let him hit rock bottom. He will curse you, call you names and be angry with you. But if he makes it, he will thank you for saving him. Not now, not next year, but he will one day. If you keep protecting him, you are helping him drink himself to death."
That was enough for me.
At the end of May, I will watch him leave (or he'll disappear) and I will pray to never hear those dreadful words. I will pray to hear one day that he's better, humble, and is working and living in his own place. That may be in 5 years or 10 years. I cannot be a part of the triangle in which he's entangled with his HP and the devil. There's no corner for me.
Look at GiveLove's post. What a sacrifice it would have been. But for what? A simple response: "I never asked you to."
Freedom has been there. Listen to those words. Freedom knows better than you could ever know.
CMC also saw the results of leaving the child alone. Again, this is more than you can ever know.
We've not been there. They have. They have.
If you could save him, we'd all be exchanging our magic methods. I know I'd be reading every one of them, I'd have them all printed out, in a notebook, with tabs, separated by topic. And I'd try each method until I got the right one. ;-)
Bless you and good luck.
Good luck.
Ready.
Last edited by ReadyToHelp; 04-21-2009 at 08:01 PM. Reason: corrections
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Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: California
Posts: 164
[. So what do you do when someone is incapable (or unwilling) to take care of themselves. Just let them die? That's a hard thing to do when you love someone.[/QUOTE]
For me the or unwilling part of your post hits home. I have a lot of alcoholism in my family, and I think that each person has to decide they have had enough and want to stop the drinking. Until the person makes up his mind to stop it won't matter what you do.
My experience was that I got sick.
It very hard to watch someone do this to themselves but it really is between your brother and his maker.
I have a story I've posted before, my father in law used to call us saying he needed money for food. I was newly married and young, we gave him money. He came by later in the week with wine coolers. Next time he was "hungery" my husband made him a sandwich. This happened several times. He then called because he needed propane, it was cold, and his trailer was out of propane for the heater and stove. (lived in a 5th wheel) we left the tank of propane we had out for him to come and pick up and use. He never came, and never asked for help from us again. We were on to him. Can't buy a drink with propane.
If you help him do it on your terms only. When my AH's drinkning advanced I went down the dark road myself. Its hard to not get pulled down too.
When he gets to his bottom he may become willing.
For me the or unwilling part of your post hits home. I have a lot of alcoholism in my family, and I think that each person has to decide they have had enough and want to stop the drinking. Until the person makes up his mind to stop it won't matter what you do.
My experience was that I got sick.
It very hard to watch someone do this to themselves but it really is between your brother and his maker.
I have a story I've posted before, my father in law used to call us saying he needed money for food. I was newly married and young, we gave him money. He came by later in the week with wine coolers. Next time he was "hungery" my husband made him a sandwich. This happened several times. He then called because he needed propane, it was cold, and his trailer was out of propane for the heater and stove. (lived in a 5th wheel) we left the tank of propane we had out for him to come and pick up and use. He never came, and never asked for help from us again. We were on to him. Can't buy a drink with propane.
If you help him do it on your terms only. When my AH's drinkning advanced I went down the dark road myself. Its hard to not get pulled down too.
When he gets to his bottom he may become willing.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2004
Location: Minnesota
Posts: 80
Believe me, I have NO desire to be my brother's babysitter. In fact, my mom and I were doing the hands-off approach the last several months, until bro's sponsor approached us as we were having Easter brunch at a local restaurant, and told us that unless we intervened, my brother would be dead very soon. Even then, I wasn't very involved in getting him back into treatment - my dear sister, the strong one in the family, made the arrangements while I stayed home and wept.
My great struggle is between letting my brother live his own life and make his own decisions, the right of any adult, and my sense of responsibility to someone who has shown himself unable to make rational decisions. If I came upon a stranger getting ready to jump off a bridge, surely I would intervene to stop him from killing himself and get him some help. Similarly, if I knew someone of diminished cognitive capacities was being taken advantage of by someone else, I would feel an obligation to step in as well.
My brother, already showing signs of "wet brain," claims not to be suicidal. He says he understands that he will die if he continues to drink. Yet he continues to drink. At what point is a person deemed mentally unable to take care of themselves?
In any case, I don't believe it can be me who assumes responsibility for my brother -- I'm too close to the situation and not strong enough emotionally to handle it. My hope is that his treatment this time is long term (at least six months) and that while there he develops a network of support to help him get along in what remains of his life.
My great struggle is between letting my brother live his own life and make his own decisions, the right of any adult, and my sense of responsibility to someone who has shown himself unable to make rational decisions. If I came upon a stranger getting ready to jump off a bridge, surely I would intervene to stop him from killing himself and get him some help. Similarly, if I knew someone of diminished cognitive capacities was being taken advantage of by someone else, I would feel an obligation to step in as well.
My brother, already showing signs of "wet brain," claims not to be suicidal. He says he understands that he will die if he continues to drink. Yet he continues to drink. At what point is a person deemed mentally unable to take care of themselves?
In any case, I don't believe it can be me who assumes responsibility for my brother -- I'm too close to the situation and not strong enough emotionally to handle it. My hope is that his treatment this time is long term (at least six months) and that while there he develops a network of support to help him get along in what remains of his life.
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Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Boston
Posts: 2,936
((((((((((((Osakis))))))))))))))
I have had to step off and leave my bros to the consequences of their drinking.
It is painful.
But you have to follow your "beating yourself up" logic all the way through and you have to do it with the understanding of the unique, cunning, and baffling ways addiction works.
I cannot help my brothers give up alcohol and I cannot make them change. I am not that powerful nor am I a recovered alcoholic who can give them practical advice or tell them what worked for me.
I remember the first time I met another person who was struggling with an alcoholic sibling at an AlAnon meeting. Her share stayed with me and changed my whole perspective (for me, because ACCEPTANCE is always the hardest thing for me to...well... ACCEPT!)
She said she finally had to accept that her brother might die today, or might kill someone else accidently today due to his alcoholism. She had to accept the unacceptable because she had tried everything in her power short of locking him in a room and chaining him up which was, she realized, how far she would have to go so that she didn't have to accept these unacceptable things. She had to accept that we are all born to die and for some people alcohol hastens that death or perhaps was always their destiny but that she had to accept that she could not know and so could not control it and so had to accept.
I was bawling listening to her. But it stayed with me forever. And I remember slowly working on getting to that place too, and the amazing thing that happened was it allowed me to release SO MUCH of my tension and so much of my anger about this disease.
There is peacefulness in acceptance. I was not "letting" this happen to my bros - they were choosing it, just like I choose everyday how to live, and I had to stop assuming I could control anything about it except my own experience, which until I found AlAnon was an experience of misery and pain.
I stopped enabling 100%. And as far as alcoholics go, not enabling is the most help I have to offer.
peace,
b
I have had to step off and leave my bros to the consequences of their drinking.
It is painful.
But you have to follow your "beating yourself up" logic all the way through and you have to do it with the understanding of the unique, cunning, and baffling ways addiction works.
I cannot help my brothers give up alcohol and I cannot make them change. I am not that powerful nor am I a recovered alcoholic who can give them practical advice or tell them what worked for me.
I remember the first time I met another person who was struggling with an alcoholic sibling at an AlAnon meeting. Her share stayed with me and changed my whole perspective (for me, because ACCEPTANCE is always the hardest thing for me to...well... ACCEPT!)
She said she finally had to accept that her brother might die today, or might kill someone else accidently today due to his alcoholism. She had to accept the unacceptable because she had tried everything in her power short of locking him in a room and chaining him up which was, she realized, how far she would have to go so that she didn't have to accept these unacceptable things. She had to accept that we are all born to die and for some people alcohol hastens that death or perhaps was always their destiny but that she had to accept that she could not know and so could not control it and so had to accept.
I was bawling listening to her. But it stayed with me forever. And I remember slowly working on getting to that place too, and the amazing thing that happened was it allowed me to release SO MUCH of my tension and so much of my anger about this disease.
There is peacefulness in acceptance. I was not "letting" this happen to my bros - they were choosing it, just like I choose everyday how to live, and I had to stop assuming I could control anything about it except my own experience, which until I found AlAnon was an experience of misery and pain.
I stopped enabling 100%. And as far as alcoholics go, not enabling is the most help I have to offer.
peace,
b
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Join Date: Apr 2009
Posts: 129
Originally Posted by Bernadette 
((((((((((((Osakis))))))))))))))
I cannot help my brothers give up alcohol and I cannot make them change. I am not that powerful nor am I a recovered alcoholic who can give them practical advice or tell them what worked for me.
b
I cannot help my brothers give up alcohol and I cannot make them change. I am not that powerful nor am I a recovered alcoholic who can give them practical advice or tell them what worked for me.
b
My thoughts and prayers are with you, I can relate with you so much in your struggles with your brother, as I'm going through basically the same thing with my sister right now. As Bernadette noted about, we cannot make the A in our life quit and we can't make them change. As much as it pains us to watch them commit slow suicide, there comes a point where we have to detach and let them hit their rock bottom. In some cases, they may hit that bottom and finally get help. In others, we are totally helpless because they don't want to help themselves.
We all know the feelings of dispair and helplessness, but we can't make them change, only they can. Even God can't make them change, for one of His greatest gifts of our creation is Free Will, allowing EACH of us to make our own choices.
The things that sucks about this disease is that we can't prevent our alcoholic loved from "jumping off the bridge" in many cases. In your comment about preventing someone from jumping off a bridge, if they want to do it bad enough, they will fight you off and try to jump, just as the A's in our life will fight us off to get that next drink. We can throw out a "lifeline", drop a "life preserver" in the water, but they have to chose whether to grab it or not.
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Join Date: Feb 2009
Location: London, UK
Posts: 927
It is hard, when you love someone, to let them face the consequences of their choices.
You don't want them to be hurting. You don't want anything bad to happen to them. That's normal. It is being a caring human being.
However, when stepping in between them and their consequences keeps them sick and compromises who you are and what is healthy for you.. then you have a problem. They will not get or be helped and you tie yourself up like a pretzel.
Yeah, you have to let go. It does not make you a bad person if you say I love you but I can't be your safety net anymore. There is help out there. Professional help. If it is his choice not to see it or take it or (if he does take it then work it) then that is his choice. It is no reflection on you or how much you love him and want the best for him.
:ghug
You don't want them to be hurting. You don't want anything bad to happen to them. That's normal. It is being a caring human being.
However, when stepping in between them and their consequences keeps them sick and compromises who you are and what is healthy for you.. then you have a problem. They will not get or be helped and you tie yourself up like a pretzel.
Yeah, you have to let go. It does not make you a bad person if you say I love you but I can't be your safety net anymore. There is help out there. Professional help. If it is his choice not to see it or take it or (if he does take it then work it) then that is his choice. It is no reflection on you or how much you love him and want the best for him.
:ghug
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Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 125
Watch the French movie "Betty Blue". Betty is in love, mentally unstable, and her lover tries to protect her with his love. She gets worse, he tries harder.
A suicidal person may not jump off the bridge as you pull him down from it (if you're that strong), but he'll just slit his wrists when you're at work.
None of us can compete with the whisper they hear from the bottle. It's a relationship we can't come close to affecting or understanding.
I understand your convictions of wanting to stand in the way of someone who has no idea of the wall he's about to hit. I told my ABF's mom two years ago that someone needs to give him a break in his life for a change. (Excuse me, but it's my attention only recently that his family, ex wife, and now I, have been financially supporting him, showering him with love and anything he wants, and coming to his rescue when he binges. What break did he need??) Not knowing there's a wall on it's way is a side effect of drinking. The frontal lobe of the brain (in charge of consequences) doesn't work as well.
You may want to read books on the topic - not just opinons, but books by doctors. "Inside the Alcoholic's Mind" by Arnold M. Ludwig, MD is a good book. Here's a quote I highlighted: "No wonder that cataclysmic psychological events, physical shock waves, or volcanic emotional upheavals often become necessary to shatter the alcoholic's complacency and reshape the landscape of his habitual attitudes and values so that he can begin to entertin the heretofore unimaginable notion that he not only must stop drinking, for he probably has managed to do that for days, wekes or months in th epast, but that he must never start drinking again."
Note the intensity of the words Ludwig used: "cataclysmic", "shock waves" and "volcanic". Can you create such intensity by your holding his hand through this?
Toby Drews' books called "Getting Them Sober" are wonderful. They help you see what is really happening.
Hey, I was were you are, from the moment he moved in to only about 6 months ago. Go to AA meetings and hear what the recovering A's are saying. And listen to their stories of deception and failure, and hear their stories on how they beat it. Ask after the meeting. Chat and tell them your story. I respect their meetings and don't speak during them because I don't really belong, but I've chatted with a few guys after on a few occasions. They tell you the raw deal.
It's only natural for you to feel strongly about saving him and protecting him. The truth is the truth and in the world of addiction, they play by a different set of rules.
Now, I'm going to sit down and make a list of all the things I want to do when my ABF moves out. No more energy to him or to A's tonight.
Good luck!! :-)
A suicidal person may not jump off the bridge as you pull him down from it (if you're that strong), but he'll just slit his wrists when you're at work.
None of us can compete with the whisper they hear from the bottle. It's a relationship we can't come close to affecting or understanding.
I understand your convictions of wanting to stand in the way of someone who has no idea of the wall he's about to hit. I told my ABF's mom two years ago that someone needs to give him a break in his life for a change. (Excuse me, but it's my attention only recently that his family, ex wife, and now I, have been financially supporting him, showering him with love and anything he wants, and coming to his rescue when he binges. What break did he need??) Not knowing there's a wall on it's way is a side effect of drinking. The frontal lobe of the brain (in charge of consequences) doesn't work as well.
You may want to read books on the topic - not just opinons, but books by doctors. "Inside the Alcoholic's Mind" by Arnold M. Ludwig, MD is a good book. Here's a quote I highlighted: "No wonder that cataclysmic psychological events, physical shock waves, or volcanic emotional upheavals often become necessary to shatter the alcoholic's complacency and reshape the landscape of his habitual attitudes and values so that he can begin to entertin the heretofore unimaginable notion that he not only must stop drinking, for he probably has managed to do that for days, wekes or months in th epast, but that he must never start drinking again."
Note the intensity of the words Ludwig used: "cataclysmic", "shock waves" and "volcanic". Can you create such intensity by your holding his hand through this?
Toby Drews' books called "Getting Them Sober" are wonderful. They help you see what is really happening.
Hey, I was were you are, from the moment he moved in to only about 6 months ago. Go to AA meetings and hear what the recovering A's are saying. And listen to their stories of deception and failure, and hear their stories on how they beat it. Ask after the meeting. Chat and tell them your story. I respect their meetings and don't speak during them because I don't really belong, but I've chatted with a few guys after on a few occasions. They tell you the raw deal.
It's only natural for you to feel strongly about saving him and protecting him. The truth is the truth and in the world of addiction, they play by a different set of rules.
Now, I'm going to sit down and make a list of all the things I want to do when my ABF moves out. No more energy to him or to A's tonight.
Good luck!! :-)
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Join Date: Feb 2008
Posts: 902
If he can't manage his own life, then maybe he will hit bottom and get help. YOU, however, are worth more than spinning your wheels trying to change him. Life is way too short and letting go, although very scary and sad, is the best thing you can do for yourself. I would literally get panic attacks thinking about letting go of him. Then I realized it was him or me. Put you first and let him deal with the consequences of his own choices.
Hugs and prayers!
Hugs and prayers!
Sunny Side Up
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Sth Australia
Posts: 3,802
Originally Posted by Osakis
My great struggle is between letting my brother live his own life and make his own decisions, the right of any adult, and my sense of responsibility to someone who has shown himself unable to make rational decisions. If I came upon a stranger getting ready to jump off a bridge, surely I would intervene to stop him from killing himself and get him some help. Similarly, if I knew someone of diminished cognitive capacities was being taken advantage of by someone else, I would feel an obligation to step in as well.
As painful as this is to me, I had run out of breathe and couldnt help anymore.
But, I still tell her I love her and when shes ready - I am there in the background.
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