Reminder - He can manage his own life
 

Ugh.

It is challenging to extract myself from the bizarre drama in which my XAH is involved. I love and want peace, but there is a part of my spirit that is SO drawn to the craziness that P has to offer. It is an excellent distraction from my issues - so much easier to say "OMG - Look at what he's doing!!!!" than "What is my part here? What needs is this situation meeting for me?"

Apparently after a whirlwind weekend visit, my X is making arrangements to have his first wife move back in with him as a "roommate". He wants to pay her $1500/month + living expenses so that she can quit her job and work on her "writing career". They were married for a little over a year in their early twenties, long before he met me, and, from what he has shared the marriage began and ended very badly. Lots of sexual issues, emotional abuse, screaming fights, and general dysfunction.

From my vantage point, they are two hurting, scared people. She doesn't have a substance abuse issue, but I've never met a more melancholic, broken, and needy person. P actually looks like the "together" one in the match. I would never have imagined that he would seek solace with this woman - he never spoke badly of her, but he made it clear that they fed off each other's negativity and fueled each other's character flaws.

The match just doesn't make sense. Frankly, it seems insane to me.

I'm writing about it here because while I know it is absolutely none of my business, I'm surprised by my emotional response to this situation. It doesn't bother me to think of P being romantically involved with someone else - I'm at peace with that - but I find myself wanting to warn him (and her) about what a bad financial and emotional decision this is. Two sick people making each other sicker - Ick.

Again - I'm not actually going to warn him. I'm not actually going to give in to my desire to micromanage his life, but I think I need to own the desire. It is strong, and it masquerades as righteousness.

This is something I'm going to work on handing over to my HP. I don't know the plans that HP has for P or for his XW. Today I'll work on managing my own life. If life at P's house gets CRAZY, my son and I will both be a nice 2 hour drive away from the insanity.

Thanks for listening.
-TC

Hi TC

These emotions are just material to work on yourself, of course I wish I could give you some wise advice but I am glad you are recognizing these emotions. With them, you can work. Work and release, is my motto nowadays LOL

I tend now to see EVERYTHING is between alcohol and its victim, alcohol will draw ANY person to the victim's life in order to support itself...

These are two links that give me more clarity when I start playing psychologist with F:

Addiction, Lies and Relationships
Addiction, Lies and Relationships

Dependency on Drugs and Alcohol
Dependency - Relationship

I found the same thinking with F. having a girl living with him almost right away (oh yes they live together) and it just sounds like a continuation from our relation. Only she is younger, looks up to him *yuk*, and is a heavy drinker herself so as long as she does not complain about abuse, provides sex and supports alcohol, for F. its heaven. Ok. Its THEIR life.

So glad I am not there anymore... hope you get the chance to read those links! specially the second one...

(((((((((TC)))))))))))

You could have been describing me and EXAH in the above, only we both had substance abuse issues.

I understand why my parents were devastated when I married him. He was the quintessential bad boy, tattooed, bad attitude, and straight out of the pen when we met.

I was the girl next door, graduated with honors, though becoming tarnished after hubby #1 had divorced me over infidelity, and it was clear to my parents I had some sort of problem with drinking/spending time at bars too much.

I was listening to an AA speaker online the other day, and when she was talking about the companions she had during her drinking career, she said water seeks its own level. How true for me.

Now that you are moving on with your life and making healthy choices, soon to put some considerable geographical distance between you and him, he's seeking that same level of water in his life.

God knows my EXAH soon moved on to someone else when he finally got the message I wasn't coming home ever. They ended up married and were still married when he passed away 3 years ago.


:ghug :ghug :ghug

Holy Wow! That puts it into good perspective -thanks, anvilhead!

I was just reading Dreamer's "dependency and relationships" link (THANKS - it is awesome!), and it really made me think. This isn't a surprising development. She needs. He needs. It's a match made in alcoholic heaven.

I wish 'em the best. Now, on with my life - out of theirs'! I guess I need to block them on facebook - it's too tempting to read about their shenanigans.

I'll leave them to their drama and commence with my own plans (finishing up this last bit of school work, enrolling my son in T-ball, helping with a big graduation celebration for my best friend, brainstorming about a relaxing trip to the ocean with my new beau, buying a new bed - with lots of pillows!). Ahhh....

LOTs of big foofy pillows. Mmmmmmm.

Good processing, TC :hug:

Hi TC!! Those plans sound great!!

As someone else said here "whatever he is doing, its not with you" as in... he is abusing someone else... he is another woman's problem now. I have thanked HP so many times for being out of that madness.

You are free and you are wonderful TC, its amazing to start creating the life you enjoy, with worthy people and activities, creating nice atmospheres for yourself and knowing there are many others Out There in SR that are doing the same thing.

We are all closer to the real Love we seek, but sometimes its difficult to realize this!!

He asked her to marry him.

Really.


I never understood the extent of the insanity until today.
He hasn't spoken with the woman in ten years. He saw her one afternoon for a few hours and now he wants to marry her.

Holy sh*t.

Thank God I'm out.

Yeah - it's like a direct HP intervention on my desire to take care of him -that urge went from 60 to 0 in about 2 seconds flat.


D-O-N-E.

I know how you must be feeling. It gets better.

You sound really great though. Seeing the instability is pretty shocking.

D O N E.......that is a great word. Close the door and don't look back. I went thru a similar situation with the A XBF that was in my life, and believe me....you will wake up one day and sincerely not feel anything about any of it anymore. It just takes time to process/face the feelings and work your way thru them. Take care of yourself:ghug3

I understand being shocked by one's own emotions when you hear news like this. I had my own shock today in a different way.

Be thankful he is someone elses problem!

I'll just say that I was NOT calm last night.
I was a screaming banshee.

It felt good to get it out.
He is making choices without considering the financial, legal, or emotional ramifications for himself, his son, his XW (now, fiance?), or me. The carelessness makes me angry.

But I will be alright. His decision doesn't break my heart in a "I still love him and want to be with him" kind of way, because I don't. That makes it easier to deal with whatever happens.

I'm in the midst of some anger. I trust that acceptance will come, as will the appropriate time to take action.

Thank you all for offering your support and letting me share here. It is such a blessing to have a safe place to discuss these struggles.

-TC

"Screaming banshee" also has its purposes. I can picture that negative energy being rushed through your veins and out of you, pumped out by your adrenalin-fueled anger. Run it through, run on that hot fuel if it serves you. Get it out and send it up into the atmosphere when you're done.

Hey, whatever it takes, right?

What a nut job he is. No offense. But that's ridiculous.....yes, yes, I know that's unkind and he probably has some great inner damage he's trying to heal and blah Blah BLAH, but oh, TC, I'm just so glad you're not mixed up in that any more.

:hug:

No joke. Ridiculous.

He's quack-tastic.

It makes me slightly ashamed to even talk about it - I mean, I was married to this man for 7 YEARS. Was he freaking crazy the WHOLE TIME? Was I so crazy that I couldn't see it?

Wowsers. Therapy has done me a world of good.

Oh, girl, I am SO using that from now on :lmao

LOL quacktastic :lmao

Remember TC... not personal.... its all between alcohol and him... alcohol cannot persist without an enabler to take care of his messes. You do not figure in the equation. Whoever will support the addiction, will be there. ASAP. Whoever is sane enough to see the madness, will get out.

And none of that has anything to do with the love you seek.

Just remember:
:You_Rock_

Good for you for releasing all your anger!! :react Keep doing it!!

:lmao :lmao

Maybe we should write a dictionary of unique codie terminology! :)