My Decision
 

I have recently posted about my wife--probably an alcoholic, but at the very least, a severe problem drinker--who has done many hurtful/deceitful/betraying/abusive acts (including two episodes of sexual infidelity short of coitus) over the years. However, her events are widely spaced and there is an overlay of Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder and probably bipolar disease.

However, she has sought at received treatment for the PTSD/bipolar disease, so if they make a contribution to her behavior, perhaps that is lessened. She has also pledged not to have ANY alcohol.

I'm going to see if this will work. I know from your posts, many of you will think, "Been there, done that, myself," or, "He's in denial," or similar thoughts. However, I just have to know if it can work. I feel I have to give it another try.

When I see all the posts everyone has made, I think I must be foolish. But I can't go through my life thinking I gave up prematurely. When she's not drinking, or even drinking but not in one of her "every 2-3 month out of control binges", she's a wonderful person. I felt that she was my soulmate. My feelings for her have been dampened, to be sure. I hope I can get that back. I just have to know.

I know from your posts, many of you will think, "Been there, done that, myself," or, "He's in denial," or similar thoughts.

Hi Hap-- It doesn't sound like you are in denial. It sounds like you are giving it one more chance. All if us have to reach our own conclusions about our own lives and ending, even altering, our relationship with an alcoholic loved one is a big change and none of us I think take it lightly!

When I read someone saying "been there done that," I hear it as a reassuring voice, not a judgemental one. After all if they've done it then maybe it is just something many people have to do to get to the point where they begin to do things differently.

Since you say this is "one more chance" what are the parameters? Do you have your boundaries clear in your mind?

Watching and waiting to see how your wife is doing can be stressful - do you have a plan/program in place for yourself? So that you are working on you and changing your habits of mind? Nothing changes if nothing changes right?

Good luck and keep posting!!
peace,
b

Hi Hap,

Good for you for making a decision. That is hard as you don't know the outcome.

I hope for your sake and the welfare of your kids that you are chosing wisely (I mean that sincerely). They are children and SHE is an adult capable of caring for herself, they are not.

Like Bernadette said, what parameters do you have for her or for yourself? You are no longer blind as to what might happen, so with your knowledge, what boundaries will you put in place? You don't have to share, but I just wanted to add my 2 cents.

Lastly, what are you going to do for yourself? How will you take care of your emotional needs on a daily and weekly basis? As you know what might happen, I hope that you enact "wife proof" measures that you can turn to in moments of negative thinking. You sound like a sweet man and your needs are just as important as hers.

Miss

No.. I can understand that. There is nothing worse than living with 'what ifs'.

I'd echo what B said though. Indeed, nothing changes if nothing changes so go in with your eyes wide open, a plan, clear set boundaries, commitment from both you and your wife that you are both going to work on this and some support for yourself.

Good luck :ghug

I just saw a really good article regarding this:

My boyfriend's an alcoholic -- should I leave him? | Salon Life

L

Here's my parameters...I hope they're realistic:

She promised NO MORE alcohol.

One violation ends it.

Well...

This is the second marriage for us both.

My high-school aged kids live with their mother. They see me every other weekend and half the summer.

There's never been a scene with my wife in front of the kids. Her periodic binges occurred when they weren't around.

My wife's kids are grown men in their late 20s living in another state. From what I hear, their dad was a big daily drinker and got violent with their mom when drunk. That's why she left him.

Sounds like a good boundary.

Have you tried al-anon or educating yourself about the disease? It can help you deal with/ understand some of the issues you have been dealing with. I found these things very helpful!

I gave My older daughter's father "one last chance" before I left him. It worked for me because we both knew what was at stake. I didn't cave when it happened. I just said I could no longer live my life on "one more chances" ;).

Thank you for posting, hap.

"Probably an alcoholic...."

Well, if that is the actual reality, then she WILL drink again. So, a long view plan for yourself would be a good idea.

If it is alcohol abuse related to the psychological disorders, then she will be able to stop drinking on a dime. It is only alcoholics who swear over and over they will never drink again and do drink again. Non-alcoholics say they will stop and do stop...because they can.

I believe that sometimes we are under a spell, when we are crazy in love with our addicts. A spell that enchants us when things are good. That has been so for me. I adored my addict. I was warm through and through just looking at him and just wanted to be in the same room with him.

It was a spell. I did love him. But the enchantment fogged my vision and the other person he was and what he was capable of, I could not see and could not believe.

Your wife should spend the rest of her life making amends to you for the destructive way she has treated you and for the apparent dishonor to her marriage vows.

Things will become clearer for you with time. All the very best to you for faith in yourself, no matter what.

No, not foolish at all Hap. We all have to pick our when and how, and that's what you're doing.

What if...?
 

Hi Hap!

What if she made it and never drank again?
What if she needed your help to get through this, and never drank again?

These are questions that a lot of us have to answer. I had a bunch of what if's with my ABF, but then I thought...what if I accepted the truth?

Please know that the A will stop when he/she chooses to stop. For whatever reason, it comes from within. They have to fight those demons themselves. After all, the war is between our loved one and the whisper from the bottle.

No one can tell you when it's time for you to stop the madness. It's not giving up. It's letting go. And you do it when you're ready.

Just, please, stay strong and educate yourself on the way A's manipulate people. Read books like "Getting Them Sober" (even though it's directed at females, it's got invaluable info on how A's operate and make us feel), "Emotional Blackmail", "Inside the Alcoholic's Mind". Arm yourself with knowledge of how they work to make us feel guilty and responsible for their bad behavior. And learn how their behavior and "sickness" affects us.

I spent my entire birthday at the beginning of this month talking about my ABF. Every time somone called to wish me a happy birthday, I gave each person an update on his behavior and then we started analyzing him. I gave him so much energy without him even being around, that I drained myself of energy that should have gone to me. My fault. My choice. I'll learn from the mistake. It's easy to do. It's a fascinating topic affecting the one you love.

Good luck and take care of yourself. This is a great message board. It's ok to be honest here. People here are so great and caring and compassionate that I couldn't wait to share my news about my having the courage to ask my ABF to move out.

Ready.

Boy, now after my session with the marriage counselor tonight, I'm vacillating on my decision.

Everyone is hoping for the very best for you, hap.

Boy, now after my session with the marriage counselor tonight, I'm vacillating on my decision.

What's changed?

peace-
b

Hap, nothing wrong with trying to make things work. We are doing this too. He has been sober 5 months, and recently we went back to move our house from our previous city, and this was my (secret) test for him because he was going back to all his triggers. He didn't drink, although he admitted it was very tough. I let him back into the bedroom and now we'll see if there is any hope of rebuilding our relationship.

Many of us waffle back and forth, it's natural. Sometimes things seemed so 'normal' that I felt, what am I doing? Am I crazy? It's easy to get lulled back into that, because as chaotic as it was, it became the comfort zone. Only you will know in your heart if you really feel that a second chance may actually trigger recovery for both of you, or if it's you 'hoping against hope' that she'll come around, and you don't want to lose the other stuff that you had and continue to want. That is a powerful feeling, and difficult to see through. As hard as it was to separate, after a while, it became crystal clear to me that it was the right thing, and even a week or 2 later I'd look back and think about the craziness I'd put up with and that I could never go back. It's like drowning, and freeing yourself to swim up to the top. That swim towards the water is agonizing, but once your head comes up over the waves, you feel like a new person. Tune into your inner voice, and when you're ready, the answer will come to you.

One of the things that made my life so difficult in the past was being blown about by whatever the AH did or didn't do. Everything I did was a reaction to him, and he was totally unpredictable!

These days I try to look at all possible outcomes before I take any action. Having a plan in place, should I need it, is very comforting. Even if I'm not entirely ready to make a decision, just knowing what that decision might be and how I would carry it out has a stabilizing effect on me.

Of course that doesn't mean I'm always prepared for everything. Life is still full of surprises. But by preparing for what I can see as possibilities, I don't feel so much like a paper bag being blown around in the wind.

L

We had some joint sessions, then she was there alone, I was there alone, and now we're scheduled for another joint session.

During my solo session, I flat out asked the counselor what she thought the chances of rescuing our marriage was. The answer would be obvious to anyone here....the counselor was non-committal, but basically said that it depended on my limit for my wife's drinking (which is none) and her ability to not drink (which she pledged to do).

The concern I have is that the counselor did say that my wife resents my stand on her drinking and feels it is a "control" issue. I don't want to be the policeman. I don't want to "control" her drinking. I want her to stop her drinking of her own volition; I don't think it works otherwise.

This was not encouranging.

Hi Hap,

IMHO, your counsellor was being very realistic with you. I don't see it as encouraging or not encouraging, simply that is the reality. What you are willing to live with is important.

For what it is worth, my exabf said that my support of his not drinking was controlling as well. I stopped nagging him a long time ago, but always was positive and very "good job honey" when he told me about not drinking. I think some people just want to blame others for their limitations.

My AH says things about me trying to control when I say I will not put up with the drinking. It is control - not trying to control them, but knowing what you are willing to put up with and taking control of your own life.

Silkspin - From my experience with my AH, the fact that your A admitted to you that it was tough not to drink is a great step in the right direction. The many, many times my AH promised to never drink again I told him I know it's hard but if he's at least honest with me I can try to help him through. Of course, that never happened for me.