GiveLove

Trust that you'll be able to stand by your boundary when the time comes, hap, and stop worrying now.

You know what you're up against. Spending every waking minute stressing about "what if" doesn't help anything.

Hugs and strength to you

bluejay6

I cannot imagine giving up a man I loved with all my heart and to whom I had made a sacred commitment...for the "right" to drink an alcoholic beverage.

You are second, and always will be Hap, as long as she drinks.

It's very sad, isn't it? It hurts a lot.

tallulah

No-one can set your tolerance level or decide whether you should stay in your relationship... not us, not your counsellor not your friends, not your family, not even your wife

You know where the line is? If you don't.. like many of us don't when we have little or no boundaries left because we've allowed them to be stomped all over.. then concentrate on finding that rather than the what ifs and maybes. If you do.. then mark it out, let her know, let your counsellor know, let everyone know if you wish.... then (and here is the hard part) stick to it. Boundaries are set for you to ensure your sanity and health not to act as a prison of sorts for your wife... so do not feel bad for setting them.

If the boundary is.. you (wife) don't drink and you and I get into recovery and in addition attend counselling.. then tell her. If the consequences of crossing that boundary is she leaves the house (or vice versa) and you will be estranged.. then tell her. And if the boundary is crossed then immediately follow that up with the consequences.

At the moment you sound like you are stuck in analysis paralysis. You are over thinking and you don't have to. It's simple when you break it down. What you have to do for it to be this simple is let go.. what your wife does is out of your control.. what she thinks is out of your control. What is in your control is not living one groundhog day after another. If she is not going to change things, then you have to.. nothing changes if nothing changes.

hapapinoy

That just about says it all.

hapapinoy

I can't believe it happened so fast.

Tonight she got upset about something; I'm not exactly sure what. It has something to do with anxiety about an upcoming hernia repair surgery she has scheduled this week, I think. It doesn't matter in the long run, though.

She went over to the home of a couple that is our best friends. She told them how bad she was to me while drinking, then had two glasses of wine there. Does this make sense?

Then she had them call and ask me to come over there to talk. I refused.

I also told her that she broke our agreement, and I will be moving to divorce proceedings.

I have to believe that she did this intentionally, to try to precipitate some crisis. This is not sneaking around, this is pretty much "in your face."

I think she still has some heavy duty mental issues to straighten out.

It's killing me that she chose alcohol over me.

Daisy30

I am sorry that you are hurting. But an alcoholic has but one master.

I felt the same way. Know that it is not you. YOU cannot change her. She has to want it for herself. You cannot make her want it or love her sober.

I am glad to hear you are sticking to your boundry.

(There is a really good thread about this from one of the A's......maybe someone else can remember who and post it. I will keep thinking. It was from a year or so ago and I don't see him posting anymore....think, think think)

tallulah

I'm sorry this is causing you pain.

She is an alcoholic. She does not think the way you do... yes she has done this intentionally.. but not because of you, your relationship, to precipitate a crisis etc. This is not about you in any way. Her 'intentionally' is to have a drink. You don't matter... that is hard to hear and hard to bear but it is the stark truth.

The day you realise that the way the A behaves is not about you is both a blessing and a curse. A blessing because you realise there is NOTHING you can do or say to change it: a curse because you realise there is NOTHING you can do or say to change it.. because you are not that important. She has another lover... alcohol.. it means more to her than you.

I am glad to hear you are sticking by your boundaries. :ghug

Seren

Oh, Hap, I'm sorry for all you are experiencing. Your counselor sounds as though she(he?) is walking the fine balance between realism and optimism. Your wife probably does see it as a control issue because she has not admitted to herself she has a problem. Until she does, the problem, fault and blame lie with others--you.

It is NOT your fault. It is something over which you have NO CONTROL. So, please take care of yourself and your children. Keep your eyes wide open as you move forward.

Hugs and prayers, HG

silkspin

Hap, I've very sorry. I know very well that feeling of 'they did it again' even if they promised not. Your heart just sinks, and you feel helpless, and angry and alone and did I mention angry? The key here is to heal thyself, it can happen and then you'll be able to weather whatever the future brings. Go to al anon if you can; it really does help you to find peace through all this.

I also read a book that absolutely hit everything right on, and helped me tremendously before I ended up going to al anon. It was called "Addict in the Family: Stories of loss, hope and recovery" by Beverly Conyers. It has info on alcoholism that really showed me what they go through, as well as poignant stories that I could really relate to. I found it by chance looking for some other recommended book when I was at the library and I read it cover to cover many times.

Just take it one day, and perhaps even one minute at a time. Take care of yourself, and listen to your inner voice - that will be your best guide.

MissFixit

HI Hap,

So sorry this happened. If it was going to happen, it is better sooner than later, right?

Your post is very insightful. I am impressed by how quickly you are processing things. I was much slower and kicking and screaming the whole way.

My ex had his friends call me at times when he was drunk and knew he violated my boundaries. At the time I was scared and confused why he was involving others in our personal matters. I felt angry, hurt and humiliated. I was presented as the bad guy and he was the poor sweet man trying to work it out. Hogwash. I think I read on here that A's get others on their side to "campaign." Something like they need people to support them and their "side" of things. To me now it is all a form of manipulation. She is manipulating you, your friends and that is very sad.

I will say a prayer for you.

Miss

GiveLove

Hap,

I'm so sorry for the pain you must be feeling today. I'm sorry she's done this but........well.........that's what (many) alcoholics do. It's sad and awful, but it's reality.

It's one of those sick rules of the universe that sometimes, doing the right thing doesn't FEEL like doing the right thing....it just plain hurts.

You seem to know what you need to do, and there are hundreds of people here sending you their support and strength for your next steps.

Hugs,
GL

Barbara52

Try to understand that she is not doing this to you really. ITs just what alcoholics do unfortunately.

hapapinoy

Well, I guess in a way that is what she was doing by going to our friends' house to have her alcohol.

However, my resolve has been derailed for now.

I confronted her last night about her drinking being a violation of our agreement. Also, she violated my limit; I told her I would not stay with a drinker.

I therefore told her that I was going to file for a divorce. She went off into another area of the house and took a medication overdose in a suicide attempt.

I had to call the paramedics/police through 911. She was taken to the hospital--against her will, actually.

I spent all night with her in the Emergency Room; she finally got admitted. Despite her claim only to have 2 or 3 drinks, the blood alcohol level was almost 2 1/2 times the legal driving limit in this state.

I'm heading back to the hospital now.

GiveLove

I'm sorry, hap.

Do what you have to do in the coming days, and call on us for whatever support we can offer.

MissFixit

Oh Hap.

That is awful. I am sorry that you are going through this.

I have a family member who on more than one occasssion tried to commit suicide and never suceeded. She was institutionalized for a while. She did it to try to manilpulate our family into giving into her. I see it as a very sick, sad and selfish manipulation ploy now. No one should have to endure that.

For your sake, I hope you do what is right for you. Be as objective as you can with her. Maybe talk with your therapist about how to proceed. I forget if she is seeing one too, but this attempt is definitely a cry that she needs to.

tallulah

Hap.. I am sorry you are going through this. Please take care of yourself and keep coming back.. :ghug

Daisy30

Oh I am sorry!

Remember this is not your fault and you did not cause this :ghug

My AH threatened it when I left one night. But I had to go.
I think his mom came over to babysit him.

ReadyToHelp

Hap - I'm terribly sorry that you have to go through all of this. Did she take a lot of pills, or enough to make herself sick? It's sad how she didn't even want to go to the hospital.

My ABF has poisoned himself a few times to the point of his being alive was a shock to the doctors in TWO instances, of becoming blind for a day, of having a swollen eye for weeks for some unknown reason, and of having seizures. This was all years ago, but still, you'd think that was rock bottom.
:wtf2

Did he know his limits, or did he just not care? He's told me he's not afraid to die.

During his binge a few weeks ago, he downed a large amount of Listerine. And then put almost a whole tin of tobacco in his mouth. He was flying like a kite. It was shocking to see. What's more shocking is what I read the other night online about how one tin of tobacco has enough nicotine to poison a person. I asked him the other day why he drank the Listerine. He doesn't remember doing it, but he said when you're in that state, you have no idea what you're doing. You drink what you can get your hands on. Desperation. (Now, did he do that because I was there? Would he have done it if I wasn't there??? Did the, "No, no, what are you doing?" excite him or did he just want more alcohol?)

When they're desperate, they will do anything. Think of how you felt when she did it. Desperate, right? Now add alcohol and an addiction and a need to make someone give in, and you've got something tremendously frightening on your hands.

I read a great book entitled "Emotional Blackmail". People do things to make us feel uncomfortable and scared, to the point where we'll give in and give them what they want. I have fallen for that. We all do. We tip toe around A's so we won't make them drink, as if we're the reason. I'm so sorry. You know your wife needs help. And IMHO, she tried to take all those pills because she wanted to scare you out of your decision to divorce her. Maybe she wanted to stop those painful feelings or those horrible thoughts of having lost you (her possible rock bottom). Maybe she feels like she can't beat it. (That's what my ABF yelled at me during his first binge, holding me by the arms "I can't beat this! I can't beat this!" He was very convinced.) Maybe she's confused - the bottle is not whispering but yelling her name, and you're getting through to her at the same time.

We can't tell you what to do. But IMHO - I'd listen to the people who have been there and have found sobriety in their lives. What would work for them? This is a crucial moment for you. This may very well be her rock bottom. I'd ask for advice from people who have hit rock bottom and found their way to sobriety. This may be an opportunity.

I had to use his 2nd (in our relationship, but first in my apartment) binge as the opportunity to tell him he has to leave. He is in denial about being an A, but he has to leave. I've made a direct connection between his binge and the end of our relationship. No matter how much he blames me for our failure, the cause and effect were too close to deny. I wish he could get out sooner, but it's ok, he feels the severity of the situation.

Good luck to you. Remember, this is NOT your fault. None of this is. You and your family are in our prayers. :ghug3

Bernadette

Oh man, hapapinoy-
what a dreadful scene...I hope you are OK and that your wife accepts the help she seems to desperately need...
whatever the outcome is please take care of yourself--
peace,
b

Bernadette

Ooops dbl post....