MissFixit

Hi.

I know this is not exactly a friends and family topic, but as it has affected so many of us I was hoping for some advice.

My exabf cheated on me. He will not contfront me with it and has moved on with her. I am working on myself and staying busy with moving forward.

Problem: I am starting to worry about how this has affected me psychologically. I mean in terms of self worth, esteem, etc... I still have feelings of not being good enough. As he is an active A, I know all the rules of normal social behavior are out the window, but I still feel less than... I have no desire to date and cannot imagine ever having feelings for another man. This sounds so extreme, but all I feel when I think of dating is fear. I don't think I trust my own judgement when it comes to dating anymore.

Does anyone else have this problem?

Freedom1990

Yes, I had those feelings for a long time because my EXAH cheated on me before we got married, I still married him, and the cheating didn't stop because of a piece of paper. Sad, isn't it?

Perhaps you're not ready to date yet. There is nothing wrong with that! It takes time to heal.

Do nice things for yourself. Pamper yourself with a nice warm bubblebath with candles on the tub. Give yourself positive affirmations, even if you don't believe them yet. You'll get there!

:ghug :ghug

DesertEyes

I agree with Freedom, getting cheated on is incredibly damaging and it takes awhile to heal. Took me a full 6 months before I could even go out with some of the al-anon ladies after a meeting, it was a whole year before I went on anything even _close_ to a date, and two years before I was able to get serious about dating.

No, I do _not_ trust my own judgement when it comes to dating That's why I keep going to meetings, have a sponsor, work the steps, and hang out around SR. The fellowship of recovery helps "fill in the gaps" in my judgement.

It's been four years since I stumbled into al-anon and I'm doing much better. I'm not fixed yet, but I'm improving. I am currently dating a charming young lady, but she is a food addict, so I have room to grow.

Mike

Live

FOR sure!
Before I dated the several years ago abusive/cheating/xA I had alot of confidence about myself with men......following that and then a divorce recently....phooey!
I am not interested in being vulnerable emotionally or sexually with a man.
Wish I could have some for friends, but they don't seem to think that way on the whole.

blessed4x

I found out about my STBXAH's infidelity a few weeks ago, filed for a divorce a few days later, and he still says they were working on a work project.....in our home for HOURS late on a Friday night while me and his 4 children were out of town. I go between being completely p!ssed, and feeling baffled at how he could imagine I would be so stupid. Initially he lied about her being here, and then continued to hide information even after he was confronted.

I haven't gone to that place yet where I wonder why. I know why....because he has a moral defect of character. It has ZERO to do with me, or anything that she could offer him that I couldn't. I have not been thrilled with him for the past few years, but I didn't find it necessary to hook up with another man. I don't mean to sound like I'm better than him. I just know in my heart that it absolutely was about him, and not about me (or my shortcomings). He's losing a fantastic lady because of his choices. I'm gaining the opportunity to get to know that fantastic lady (me).....and I don't think I will be ready to offer myself to another man, on an intimate level (not talking sex) until I know myself pretty darn well.

For years my STBXAH has been my project. I now have a new, and much more fun one working on me and raising my 4 kids. I hope that you are able to let go of your pain, because you can bet your ex is still hanging on to his.

tallulah

I think the whole thing, being involved with an A and the behaviours and actions, knocks the wind out of your sails and has you questioning your judgement. Yeah and makes you scared of jumping out of the frying pan and into the fire.

I've had the opposite effect since being away from him. My confidence in me as a woman has started to grow. I'm getting my old spark back. I've even noticed my sense of humour is coming through again (and I never even noticed I'd lost it!).

But that's because I'm working on staying open. I'm not rushing back out there in the dating pool, but I'm not doing what I could so easily do which is shrink and blinker. I am telling myself, like some kind of mantra, that all men are not like him. And they are not.

This too shall pass Miss :ghug

MissFixit

Wow!

Thank you for the personal responses.

It has been 5+ months for me knowing and learning to accept. Most days I do pretty well. For some reason the weekends get me. I think it so much free time (not really because I am avoiding homework). When I have down time I initally do something for myself. After that I get lonely. Sometimes I call someone and sometimes I find something else to do. I greatly miss having a partner to do the "fun" weekend stuff. All of my friends are married, so I only get to invade their family time for so long.

This is my LAST full week of school and I should be moving in 3 weeks to my old town. I think things might pick up when I am there as I have my "routine" there. I moved there when I was 21 through 31, so I have a support system there and am fairly happy just puttering around on Sat and Sun.

I wish I did not get cheated on. How about that? I realize that the same tools to deal with having been with an A I can use to deal with that too. The psychological crap is so slow to get through. I think I have it nailed and then I wake up crying. Waves.

Thank you all for your e, s and h.

CatsPajamas

For me, it was a jumble of feelings. I made it all about ME for a very long time.

I wish I had figured that out a LOT sooner. B4x is absolutely right - it has zero to do with you and everything to do with him and his bad judgment. Period.

What I learned was to listen to my gut. My gut told me he had been cheating on me, but he vehemently denied it for years. Ultimately, he admitted it was true. During that time of conflicting information, I doubted my own judgment and my own intuition. When I found out the truth, I felt vindicated. It was really great to know that I could trust my gut, after all. And I pay a lot more attention to that now.

MissFixit

Thanks Cats,

I too asked several times if he was seeing someone, and he always denied it. He has never admitted it as I went no contact and other than calling my godmother, he hasn't contacted me. This is probably a good thing as I have nothing kind to say.

I agree about the moral defect. If it was happending to someone else I would say what an a..hole, but is has heppened to me and I don't have the fight in me. Anger comes and goes, but mainly I feel like why would anyone cheat on me, much less my best friend. I have to let go of expectations from him behaving any certain way. I am getting better at that and moving along as though he doesn't exist.

tallulah

he has lost you.. regardless of the way it happened or what each of your parts in the break up were..

you are the only you in this world.. he is NEVER going to have another you.. you are special and can't be replaced.. one day he is going to realise or remember that.. it may not lead him to regret what happened, it may not lead to him coming back and throwing himself on the floor begging forgiveness, it may not lead to any apologies or amends.. but, he had you, he lost you.. unique you..

:ghug

MissFixit

Thanks Tallulah!

You are kind to say those things.

tallulah

nah.. it is the truth..

I think sometimes we forget how unique and special we are.. there is only one of you.. ever.. there has never been another you before, there is no other you now and there will never be another you again..

his loss