Daisy30

I need your help!! Ah and I are having some financial issues.

AH and I agreed when we had kids that I would stay at home to take care of them. NOw that we are seperated we never really set up financial agreement. I am paying for most things using my savings (the apt. and utilities). And things like food and gas I was using Ah and my joint credit card for. It was working fine for the first few months...
UNTIL... AH decided to cancel the credit card. Now we need to sit down and decide how much $$ he needs to give me to provide for the kids each week. HE thinks $40 a week should do it. I think that is a little low.
He said since he is paying for insurance (car and health), Dr. bills, our counceling bills (just couples not my individual), and the car payment that that is fair.

I really dunno how this all works....but it seems that $40 a week for a myself and three kids isn't a lot.

I know I need to talk to a lawyer ASAP. But until then I really need to figure this out. I would appreciate any insight!!

Thanks!!!!!

prodigal

Yes, we all have lawyer jokes about how much we hate them, but when we need them we have a new-found respect for them.

He is carrying the car and health insurance. I imagine insurance for a family of five is pretty hefty, given today's insurance rates.

From what you are saying, I'm assuming you are not legally separated, just living apart. Are you planning to file a complaint against him? In other words, divorce?

I don't know your husband's salary. I don't know the length of your marriage. I don't know what you did for a living, and how much money you made, prior to deciding to stay home with your children. I don't know your "employability" or the ages of your children. (By the way, don't furnish me with this information; I'm not a licensed attorney and cannot offer you any legal advice, but my bachelor's degree is in Legal Studies, so I've studied family/domestic law.)

This is crucial information an attorney needs in order to determine how much financial support you need. Please make an appointment with an attorney ASAP. The stuff I mentioned I don't know is what an attorney takes into consideration when getting the court to grant you spousal support. It also allows the court to determine how long you, as an adult, should get support and how much.

No, $40 a week is not much. However, until you get legal assistance in this matter, I have no idea if you can negotiate with your H to give you more money. If he will not give you more money, as stinky as this sounds, I'd suggest you prepare inexpensive meals for your family. Kids generally like bologna or peanut butter & jelly sandwiches. Beans and rice are filling - and cheap. I've seen whole chickens on sale for as little as 49 cents a pound. (Depends on what area of the country you live in.)

As I said, you really need to get with an attorney in order to find out how much financial suport you can get.

Daisy30

Thanks! I am not planning a divorce yet. I am wanting a legal seperation.

We have both agreed to talk about the finacial situation since he "cut me off" from the credit card.

I need to figure out what I think is reasonable and why so I can hold my position. I just don't know what things to take into account.

He is totally using this as a manipulative tool.

He said he thinks he should have more say in how the $$ is used, i.e. I signed the kids up for swim lessons (which we had agreed upon) BUT he didn't get to choose the day/time.

I have NEVER had axcess to ALL of the finances......he said I could, if I just come home <pulling hair out> he must think I am dumb!

Barbara52

See an attorney and get the necessary papers drawn up. Every state/county has standards for how much child support and spousal support is owed based on custody and income.

If you don't want to see an attorney(a big mistake as I see it), look up the information. I'm sure its available onthe internet.

It's time for you to take control of your life and stop letting him control and manipulate you. He has legal obligations to you and your children whether he likes it or not, or thinks the state mandated minimums are fair or not. Stand up for yourself and your children!

isurvived

I believe most states it is 17% of his gross income for one child, and 25% for two children. Once you file papers (regardless if it is separation or divorce) the family court commissioner will mandate the support. The other things that you mentioned are typically split — you pay half, he pays half. That might be different if you are not a working parent.

Remember this support is not optional...It is his obligation as a parent.

prodigal

Given what you have posted, what makes you think you can hold any sort of reasonable position or have a reasonable conversation with him? He's holding all the cards at this point. And you are playing right into it.

Why would you bother wasting your time and energy trying to get money from somebody who is using the money as a "manipulative tool."

This is about YOU. I know his game plan, based on what you are saying. If you want to remain a victim, you can sit down and let him play with your head some more.

This is just my opinion, but I would not waste my breath on another conversation with a manipulative A who wants to call all the shots regarding your money. It is YOUR money, since you are married, you do have rights to a certain amount of it.

And talking to him will probably ensure you don't get it. GET AN ATTORNEY. Anything you agree to with him, might be used against you by his attorney. He could always say, "Well she only wanted such-and such," when by law you are entitled to more.

It's up to you. If you want to expend your energy dealing with this type of person, that is your right. If it were me, I'd be calling an attorney first thing Monday morning to get the ball rolling in my favor quickly.

I think you still have some hopes that you can have a reasonable, adult, and fair conversation with an addict. I wouldn't count on that.

Daisy30

You are soo right! What the HECK am I thinking!

I know better than this! How do I get sucked into these games?

I am calling an attorney TOMORROW!

I think I can manage to suppliment his $40 till this goes to court in the next month or 2

LaTeeDa

I don't know about where you live, but in California, you can get temporary orders when you file. That means they set a temporary amount for child support right away, which he is required to pay even while the divorce/separation is pending. An attorney will be able to fill you in on what's available in your state.

Another thing. I was going to get a legal separation rather than a divorce, too. After I talked to an attorney, I found out there is little difference in the two. And, if you decide you want a divorce later, you have to file a new case and go through the court system a second time. Just something you may want to discuss with the attorney.

L

dothi

Because that is what A's do. They draw you into the "logic" of their warped reality. But hang in there - it sounds like you're navigating through all this quite well.

Just want to add: don't let your fear of change paralyze you. Seeing a lawyer and finding out what information you need may seem daunting because now it feels like the whole world is resting on your shoulders. Just remember that if you have been living with an A, you are already skilled at carrying the weight of the world. Think of everything you learned on the fly when it came to raising your family and managing your A - from finding last-minute babysitters to feeding the kids on $40 a week!!!!! (seriously, WTF? $10/week per family member's food, insurance, etc. Only a goddamn A would think that letting their own family barely SURVIVE makes them a good provider!!!!!! try putting him on $40/week and just wait for the quacking to start!!! anyhow...)

No matter what your AH tries to convince you, you already have the skills to adapt to incredible change. You are now leaving the black&white thinking of the A's world; you have so many more options than pass/fail

Still Waters

Sigh, how well I know this. Hang in there Daisy, I hope you get some good concrete advice from an attorney.

(and btw - I have also spoken with one, but haven't had time to update here. Short and simple, I have to wait a bit longer for state residency)