Advice for handling family that is not very supportive!!!
 

I am new on here, and have literally spent hours reading and reading. It's nice to discover the enormous support that is available on this site! :)

Here is my situation. My son is 16. 4 weeks ago we admitted him to an inpatient treatment facility. He has a problem with marijuana. At first, I was releived knowing he was in a safe, secure environment. We have had him in counciling, we have made rules and consequences, but I have come to realize that an addict will lie, cheat, and steal to satisfy their craving. The estimated time for his stay is approximately 4 months, but certainly dependant upon his personal progress. I have began to have feeling of feeling angry toward him over the past week or so. I am angry that he can't understand or doesn't care how this not only effects his health and well-bein g, but it effects me, his younger brother, who is too young to comprehend why his brother is gone all of a sudden.
My husband, who is my 16 year old's step-father and my mother-in-law, have both stated to me, but at different times that they hope I am not expecting his treatment to work and cure him. They have both told me that they think he will simply do his time while there, tell the counselors what they need to here so he can get out and begin using again. This has made me resent both my husband and my mother in law. What am I suppose to do??? Nothing, just stick my head in the sand and pretend his self-destructive behavior isn't happening, allowing him to continue.....OR, try getting him the help I feel he so desperately needs and deserves????? I realize that at the end of the day, he will make his own choices, but I have to be able to sleep at night knowing that I have exhausted every opportunity to help my son.
How do you respond to such negativity from those who you are close to, at a time when you need supportive people around you the most!??!?!

Am I missing something?

Desperate, welcome to SR! I do understand seeking any opportunities available to help your son. I have been there with two daughters myself.

Family members are affected by alcoholism/addiction, and the anger that you are starting to feel is natural.

I would suggest looking for Alanon meetings in your area to find face-to-face support among people who understand and have been where you are at.

A four month program is a good start, but just remember that your son will get out of treatment what he is willing to put into it, and your husband and MIL are correct in stating that it isn't a cure.

The best thing that you can do for your son at this time while he is in treatment is to get support for yourself and start healing from the effects that his addiction has had on you.

I hope you continue to post, and know that you are among friends. :)

:ghug

PS. I also suggest the book "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie.

hiya desperateintx!
welcome -- glad you found this place!

Maybe try to let it be OK that other people feel differently about this than you do. They are adults and have a right to feel and see things the way they do, just like you do! There's no right or wrong prediction! Only your son has the power to predict what he will do!!

If what's bugging you is you think they will be unsupportive of son's efforts than just focus on that. Say, "I see we have different opinions about how successful Son is going to be but I hope we can all send him the message that we love him and encourage him to use the tools he is learning in rehab."

What kind of "support" do you feel you are missing from them for yourself? Your son is 16 so, yes you've done the right thing, while you still have the power, to get him into a program that might help him. But you need to have no expectations about the outcome. Why? Because you simply cannot predict or know what the outcome will be and you can make yourself cuckoo with anxiety about how you "want" it to turn out. I mean, you can have hope for the best, for sure, but you might want to avoid false expectations.

My brother had what I would have thought a shocking wake-up call to his alcoholism at a very young age....but alas he continues to drink to this day and he is 45. My father drank for the first 15 years of my life and then found recovery in AA. The day he stopped didn't follow one of his worst episodes or hospitalizations, it was just another hungover day...but for him that was the day. None of us could have predicted it would shake down that way....and nothing anyone did up till that point was what got him to stop. He stopped when he was ready to stop....

Have you ever thought about attending AlAnon or Naranon? I found a lot of relief and picked up a lot of tools through those meetings.

Good luck desperate- and stick around and keep posting -- there are many parents on this forum who have walked in your shoes...

peace,
b

Welcome

You are doing the right thing.

They may be right though, they may not be, but the important thing is you are doing the right thing.

When dealing with addiction, all you can do is "the next right thing" and then let go of the outcome.

A few things I have learned, is to not go to a "dry well" when it has proven repeatedly to be dry. Those two are a dry well. The next thing I have learned is to go find someone with exact experience in what it is I am dealing with. There are Alanon and Naranon meetings with decidedly "parental" slants, as opposed to spousal. maybe try to find one of those?

The next is, teen sobriety is growing by leaps and bounds where I am from. There are "sober" schools, teen meetings, teen support, it's growing in leaps and bounds.

The standard "formula" I hear is the first "rehab" rarely "takes" but it plants a seed, a period of sobriety tends to mess with ones drinking/drug use and actually cause it to escalate as it "rebounds" which results in a "bottom" which results in sobriety.

I've seen hundreds of examples of this with my own eyes.

While your child is under 18 the way I see it is when you are responsible for him, rehabs, sober schools, everything you can do to educate him and interfere with his drinking and drug use is "your job".

Rehabs (and raising a child) in many ways are like Boot Camp, people telling you things you don't like and don't understand in order to keep you alive after you leave.

Your job is keep flinging stuff against the wall to help your son, just remember you aren't in charge of adhesion.

Hopefully something will "stick" for him

just remember it won't necessarily be on your schedule.

My prayers to both of you.