sodetermined

Hello, everyone. Been lurking a lot...but have fallen a lot with my recovery.

Today is Day 1 of no-contact for me....please keep me in your prayers, the ones who haven't given up on me.

tallulah

one day, one minute, one second at a time..

well done for going NC.. it's hard, but it is do-able.. it may not seem like it right now but it will get better.. you will still have hard days, hard moments, but it gives you space to get some calm back..

:ghug

ToughChoices

Thinking of you and praying for you, SoDetermined.

I'm proud of you for reaching out - I'm always willing to chat!
Big hugs to you.
:ghug3

-TC

cmc

I'm sending you my support and adding some prayers too- for serenity & strength.
btw...As for giving up on somebody, my view is that there's always hope for me to grow and change, but I need to do that in my own time and by learning to respect myself first, find what works for me.

TakingCharge999

Hi sodetermined! I am glad to see you posting.

Know that this will pass... and one day you will see your peaceful life, with people that love you and would NEVER harm you.... in fact that will go out of their way to make you feel better... and you will be old sodetermined, smiling, just wiser... paving the life you will enjoy for so many years to come.

Take it ALL out sodetermined, do not bottle up any feeling. Take it all out of your system!
((Hugs))

sodetermined

Well it's been over a month of having Chris back in my life....alcoholic and meth addict....it's MOSTLY been a "friends with benefits" type of relationship. But even with this minimal contact, I have become more and more absorbed with him, and less with my son and I. I have become depressed, and reached a point in my life that I never have been at before. I was to the point of just not caring anymore, I would let him use me for food, sex, and a place to sleep, as long as he would occasionally give me what I thought I needed from him. I lost my passion, lost my hope even. It's like I wasn't even mad at what he was doing....a very scary place to be when you don't feel emotion whether it be sad/mad/happy. Just NUMB to it all almost.

Then I find out he's been talking to the other woman (the one that he has gone to both times we broke up)....she told me all this last night. She said they are just friends, and that he's never tried getting back with her. She said she doesn't want him back....which I question, don't you? I mean why would she maintain a friendship with him, she hasn't known him that long, she doesn't drink, or do drugs...and he has treated her like crap. I think she probably knew that things would eventually go sour again....she probably thinks like I used to...he'll be different with her. He admitted that he wasn't attracted to her. But it's like he wanted to keep her fairly close, just in case I rejected him.

I'm sure they will end up together again. And I have opened myself up to going through this for the 3rd time....I really hope she's done, and I know I shouldn't care, but I do. It hurts a lot.

Thanks for being here.

TakingCharge999

Hey sodetermined,

Things are already complicated, then adding another woman to the equation is just madness... I know. If they end up together again, or if Chris goes with someone else, or finds a supermodel and marries and they live happily ever after, or if he is alone the rest of his life... whatever, is beyond your control, and has NO relation with you or your value.

Obsessing with "them" is self-torture, and I have realized it also distracts me from my goal... a.k.a. MY wellbeing!

I do not like this Chris for you. You deserve someone who treats women like women, not like sex backups... sorry if that sounded harsh... honestly whoever goes on the path of this troubled man will suffer as much or more as you do. You can be sure of it.

I am sad you had to go through this but I am glad you are back on track, that's all that matters...

tallulah

you can't be responsible for the other woman.. she will make her own mistakes and draw her own conclusions.. if he goes back to her and she accepts it then that is for her to resolve..

you are worth more than he has shown you.. believe that and keep believing that.. emotionally he has treated you like a pauper when you deserve to be treated like a queen..

:ghug

LaTeeDa

I really hope you're done.

But, until the pain of staying the same is greater than the fear of change......

L

Alphawoman

Sodetermined,
I'll keep you in my thoughts that'll you'll get through this. Please, if you choose to, everytime you think about slipping, turn your attention to anything else. Look around the room at a window, potholder....anything until the urge passes. Let your feelings come up and let them go. Try not to judge them. I know how difficult it is....
Alphawoman

sodetermined

Well I am telling myself I am done, but last time I told myself the same thing and I made it two months...then I took him back. Ugh.

I'm at work now, but I feel like I want to just cry and cry. I am so hurt, I hate loving someone that doesn't love me back, someone that doesn't cherish me or care at all.

I know I can get through this, I do....I mean I made it 2 months last time and was feeling pretty good about things. It's just getting through this initial pain and hurt sucks...and is also the reason I've been avoiding ending things until now.

:ghug

LaTeeDa

You may not realize it, but I think you just described the relationship you have with yourself.

A therapist could really help you find out why you keep repeating the same self-destructive behaviors over and over.

L

CatsPajamas

After many, many rounds of the codie game "it's over, it's over, c'mon over" I realized I needed to go 100% no contact. I put a plan in place, and I enlisted the help of some really good friends... I had people lined up to take emails and calls from me when I was at a low point and wanted to contact HIM, no matter what time of day or night it might be.

Having that support system really made a difference for me. I was able to talk out my feelings, but I also had level headed recovery people who gently reminded me of why I was going no-contact in the first place, and also reminding me that I deserved a much better & healthier relationship than the one I was giving up.

Hang in there. Reach out to healthy recovery friends. They will help you thru your dark hours and will be there to rejoice with you when you are living in the light once again.

sodetermined

Well...this last time, I was at a bar having drinks with my friend from out of state, and he walked in and the waitress informed us he bought us drinks. I should have left right then, but didn't. It's like I can't resist him...so I guess my future plan would be to avoid this bar all together.

LaTeeDa

That's a start, but it doesn't address the underlying issue. The issue of why you are unable to resist someone who is inherently destructive to your life and the life of your child...............

It's okay to admit you need help and to seek that help. I would still be stuck in an endless cycle of pain without the help of a qualified professional therapist. Alanon has been the solution for many on this board. Maybe it's time to admit that your way of working on this isn't working. Maybe it's time to try something different.......................

L

hopeangel

i am sending prayers and strength your way. you can make it through this hon. (((hugs)))

your peace and sanity and self-love are priceless. if initial pain is the price, it's worth it!!!

Bernadette

Hiya sodetermined--
What are you planning to do differently this time?

Addicts in recovery often talk about needing to change "people, places, things" or else they are setting themselves up for failure and working against themselves.

So what can you change this time around so you get serious about this?

I also have always needed face to face help (AlAnon or therapy) during my roughest times....can you access some f2f help to figure this out?

peace-
b