babsywabsy

I live with an active A, my A is my children's father and I would like to try and coexist as peacefully as possible. And I never will give up hope that he will find sobriety and return to the man that he was when we met (it won't save our marriage, but I think it would be nice for him and for my kids).

He usually drinks an enormous amount of vodka, but has recently admitted that he is out of control and wants to stop. He has been told that going "cold turkey" is dangerous. I suggested that he see a doctor to help him through this stage, but he has decided to take himself down slowly with wine. This, worked for about 4 or 5 days and then yesterday it was back to the old vodka.

In the past, I have tried to "detach" and not discuss his drinking with him. If he wanted to go on a bender, I just took the kids on "an adventure" for the day. I tried to get out of the way and let him continue on his path. Trying not to judge (so difficult for me) and trying not to let negative thoughts ruin my day.

Last night he spoke honestly with me (wow - that was a first) about the fact that he had gotten drunk, was ashamed of himself and that the only person who could help him was him. He also told me he is going away for a weekend in May and wants to drink and is going to if he wants to, but maybe he won't, but he needs to be able to do what makes him happy, but he knows that he has a problem, but why can't he just cut loose blah, blah, blah. I kept getting the feeling that he wanted me to disagree with him or try and get him not to drink. I just listened and told him that it really didn't have anything to do with me and that I hoped he found a solution that worked for him.

What do I say??? Am I supposed to be more supportive here? I don't want to play some role where I say "don't drink" and then he does or doesn't.... I just want to focus my energy on myself and my kids. Naturally, I want him to get sober, b/c it sucks when he's drunk. But, he's not going to AA, he's not taking an active role in recovering.

How does one live peacefully with an A?? What does one say?

Babs

MissFixit

Babs,

Hi.

Reading your post brings back many memories for me.

Your question, "how does one live peacefully with an A?" is hard to answer. I couldn't, but tried really hard. Others here have stated they do, so they need to give their experiences with coping skills.

He seems to be asking or telling you to condone what he knows you don't like. I think that sounds pretty selfish and like responsibility shifting on his part, although kudos for admitting it. Whatever you say, you might get blamed by him for the outcome. (i.e. You told me I could drink, you knew I was drinking or you didn't stop me from drinking.)

Please take care of yourself and your kids.

Miss

LaTeeDa

I think you handled it perfectly. Why do you feel you need to say anything else?

L

Bernadette

I agree- I think what you already said was perfect and enough!

Keep the focus on you and the kids like you said and more will be revealed!

Easy does it-

peace and (((hugs)))
b

josie25

I think that what you already said is amazing - you have obviously found a way of living and coping with his alcoholism. I wish I had found a way of doing this, instead of walking away and suffering the pain I'm going through. You are so right, it is all his choice and his decision and you actually cannot change anything, only he can. I think the only thing I would actively do is help him if he tries to find out about meetings or rehabs etc, but other than that you seem to be managing it so very well. Take care.

bearfeet

I too think that you are doing a brilliant job, keep doing and saying what you have been doing (the adventure days sound good!) Pat yourself on the back girl, you are doing what so many people find impossible, me for one, don't doubt the outcome and stay strong. x

Freedom1990

Count me in on the opinion that you did great with what you said! :ghug

ItsmeAlice

I agree, too!

I'm living with my ABF and I find he fishes for reactions from me. He will also interject into random conversations and ask if I'm referring to his drinking or not. (Uh, I was talking about what to have for dinner, why is that about his drinking?)

I have learned that he is looking for something, anything, that tells him I still have feelings on the subject good or bad. He wants to hear me say he drinks too much. He wants to hear me say he's been doing better with it. He wants to hear me say something that he can debate with me over.

Stay neutral and keep your opinions to yourself. You're doing great!!

Alice

prodigal

Say what you mean one time. He'll get it; there is no need to have re-runs of the same conversation. As they say in Al-Anon, "Say what you mean, mean what you say, but don't say it mean."

JMO, living peacefully with an A requires not engaging them in any way, shape, or form when they want to start an argument or drag you into a drama-fest. At this point, I take everything AH says with a grain of salt. I go about living my own life, mind my own business, come and go as I please, and leave him to do what he wishes to do.

However, what keeps me at peace the most is knowing that I'm moving back east to live with my cousin. I graduate from college in May. I'll be taking two software courses in summer school to update my skills. Adn