cyclelady

My MIL asked to get the kids on Easter afternoon for an egg hunt and to stay the night. I agreed to let them go. The kids wanted to stay the next couple of days, so I allowed this even though I didnt feel totally comfortable because they are on spring break.

Here is the issue: I called yesterday after work to say that I'm coming to get them and 1 kid out of 4 said that he wanted to stay. I say that they haven't been home for 4 days and I would like for them to all come home. I go to pick them up at MIL's and she proceeds to tell me that she called AH at work and he said that the one child can stay if he wants to and he will come home the following day. I was very irritated that she called AH after I had said no. I bit my tounge (sp) and left the one child there. Should I have stood my ground and made him come home?

A little background to the issue: MIL (smokes weed) and FIL (alcoholic) go for months w/out seeing or talking to the children. They have not seen these kids for 4 months. Which truly, is fine w/ me because of the addictions. All of the sudden when I file for divorce NOW they want to be these grandparents????WTF???

I dont know what I'm supposed to do. These ARE their grandparents addictions or no addictions. They drink and get drunk around them but do not do drugs around them, but so does their own father. This is going to be the way it is when we are divorced! Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated!

UGhh, thanks for listening....

MissFixit

Why would you leave your children with active users?

TakingCharge999

These ARE active users, grandparents or not.

You can tell them "you will be able to see the kids, after you prove you are responsible adults. Otherwise, I do not want bad examples for my kids".

Then go on with your life as if they did not exist, because frankly I would not bet on them getting healthier very soon.

(((Hugs)))

Barbara52

When my children were young, I did not permit my alcoholic parents to ever be alone with them. I could not put them at risk that way. And I told my parents exactly why too.

cyclelady

I understand and appreciate what you all have said so far, thank you.

When their father has them he is an active alcoholic as well, how does someone stop that? He is also staying with his parents.

Freedom1990

If nothing has been legally set up for visitation yet, I'd strongly recommend checking into setting up supervised visitation with their father, away from the grandparents' home.

blessed4x

cyclelady......I have had the same fears about visitation. When my STBXAH said he wanted no visitation and no holidays (yes....he is that sick) I secretly was happy. I know the kids need to know their dad, but according to my attorney, where I live, it is nearly impossible to get supervised only visitation....until something actually happens with the kids present. I think you are doing the best you can do with what you have to work with. Thankfully, your kids are in Alanon and counseling, and I know you have been open and honest with them about their dad's addictions in a loving way.

I believe that with all of this intervention they will see who is the stable person in their lives. At some point we have to release our children to form their own opinions and make choices, whether we like them or not, but you've got a few more years to help mold them......ultimately you can't take full responsibility for how they turn out.

LucyA

No, these are addicts, grandparents or otherwise, would you leave your kids with any other addicts?
What makes their grandparents different from any other addicts you know?

Sorry if I sound harsh, but I even refused to leave my nephew with his own Dad, for my nephews safety, the kids need that kind of decision taking from them, sometimes theres loyalty and dare I say it 'emotional blackmail' issues from the addict where kids are concerned.

HoopNinja

I agree with Anvil on the parenting issue. They have grown up in an unstable environment--you need to provide that now and that means you are the boss--always. Who gives a rats a55 what the grandparents say. And why only one kid staying? What is that all about?? Not that any of them should have stayed.

They have already seen their father when he is drinking and even though the grandparents don't smoke in front of them they are probably high and are drinking too. Do you want your kids to think this a what a normal family acts like?

AH just told me last week he wanted to take our younger son out of daycare because it is too expensive. NO WAY!! The reason he is there is because I work all day and he was staying home, getting stoned and sticking him in front of the TV set.

There have to be serious boundaries set. What finally got my butt moving on saving money for the divorce was finding out about the dope and then finding out he was getting high with my nephew--sure he is over 18 but AH is 48. He crossed the line and started getting high with kids--and that is still how I think of my nephew even if he is not. When will he think it will be OK for our kids to get high with him?!

I would say the grandparents are out of the picture and make arrangements to change visitation arrangements and explain very clearly why. Yes, it will be up to your kids to make decisions as they get older--but you are the one who will have to counter-balance all the damage that is being done by AH and the grandparents.

I am not sure how old your kids are--but if they are not 18--you are in charge, not them. You know what is best for them, not them.

dothi

This reeks of favoritism to me, as though only one child deemed "good" out of the four. I am sure this child is simply aiming to please and be liked by the adults in his environment - a trait that dysfunctional families not only exploit but use to manipulate. Do think carefully about what all of your children are learning from this.

Seconding, "they are addicts, grandparents or not".

cyclelady

Ok! The 7 year old called and didnt want to come home and I said yes you are. He started crying and whining, AH got on the phone and started screaming at me saying the kid didnt want to come home and he wasnt coming home. It went back and forth. After many names called it ended w/ me saying I will bring the police to get my kid.

I called the sherriffs department and there is nothing I can do about it. NOTHING! We are still leagally married and both still have rights.

My plan -
8 am attorney's for Temp custody
File for restraining order
file for divorce - F the dissolution!
Order supervised visitation
get child support / spousal support ordered
GO GET MY KID!

Does anyone else have any more suggestions? Thank you all so much for your replies you have and my sitation has lit a fire under my A$$! Thank you again!

BTW - I do have counseling appointments for my kids starting next week!! I forgot to add that earlier...

HoopNinja

OK!!! Let us know how it goes.

Another thing that came to mind--do you want him dictating your life. He will be if he is determining when he get to visit the kids. This is one of the things I am going to be a pain about. Since AH's schedule is all over the place I wind up having to leave work all the time to go do stuff he said he was going to do. No more--I want a peaceful predictable life. I have had it with all the yelling and drama.

shotz

cyclelady,

I went through this in January. Only difference was my husband had been bouncing in and out of rehab when I filed. That helped my case because he couldn't dispute the alcoholism because he has been to inpatient so many times and lost his job. My attorney did have me send him a calendar of all the insane behavior over the last 4 months and that was used to work up my affidavid (sp?). If you have time bring as much information as possible with you in the morning. Think back to document any incidents. DUI's, prescription medication abuse, job loss, anything relevant. When I start to doubt myself, I look back over the legal documents my attorney worked up and it all comes into clear focus. Harder to deny the insanity when it is on paper.

I did get supervised visitation and I stipulated his family (all healthy but never very involved) had to supervise. Brave person that I am, I did this without clearing it with them first. Our kids have never seen his side of the family so much. I don't think his family is too happy with me, but oh well they will get over it. What's best for the family, is best for the alcoholic (Toby Rice Drews).

Good Luck & God Bless
Shotz

Latte

"You can visit the kids at my house." That would be my only option for the grandparents. Your children are not safe with people who are abusing alcohol and smoking pot. It isn't about having grandparents in their life, would you let a drunk/high stranger watch your kids? I sure the heck wouldn't.

LucyA

This is only my opinion, but I don't agree that contact issues of any kind are best resolved by the children being visited at home. Their home is their safe place.
Mybe arrange an outing with the grandparents away from the home, a park or lunch out.

Freedom1990

I agree. Their home is just that, their home, and should be safe for them. Neutral grounds would be best in my opinion.

cyclelady

Well, I contacted my lawyer's office yesterday at 8:01am...He was in court in a different county and the secretary said he would call me back. I explained my situation to her and she said he would call me back.

So I waited pacing and cleaning...I call back and explain AGAIN what I want. My lawyer calls me back about 1/2 hour later and says that I should wait until Monday! WTF??? He explained that the judge wont see it as "safety" being the reason for Temp custody. He said that the judge would see it as I allowed the father to see the children, which is a good thing. It would look bad cuz the father only chose to keep one kid. The alcoholism doesnt play a role in this yet..WTF, AGAIN>??? My heart sank at this point. It didnt matter that my in laws were pot smokin, drinkin, partiers....My lawyer said, it will be fine with dad and grandparents to have them for a little bit because they will get tired of having him...They want to party they will not have him for long.....I was so upset....I have an appointment on Monday @ 9 to file for divorce, temp custody, restraining order. I am changing my locks this weekend.

NOW!!! I am sitting in the coucelors office completing paperwork for the kids to start attending sessions. My phone starts ringing....AH and MIL are blowing up my phone. When I leave the session (5 min) time...I call back and they are NOW ready to give my kid back.....MIL said she would meet me at a store to give him back. I met her there and got my kid! NOW!!! My 7 year old said how grandpa said he was going to put a gun to MY head, blah blah....WTF???? AH took kid to dinner so I couldnt come get him...ALL this info is from my 7 year old, I didnt even have to ask......I got my kid back and they dont need to even waste their breath in asking to see any of them!! ever!!! Thank you all for the suggesstions!!! I truly appreciate it!

MissFixit

I am sorry that you are going through this.

Good for you for getting your kids back unharmed. You are probably already doing this, but you might write down everything your son said, so that it is clear when you talk again to your lawyer. Grandpa threatening to shoot you is WAY over the line. How scary for your son.

Miss

naive

i'm wondering if she is the best lawyer for your case?

LucyA

I'd check about changing the locks too before you do it, mine had to ....erm....break before I could legally change them, as we both owned the house. I'm in the UK tho, we have daft laws sometimes.