Rose56

Good Morning Friends,
I am feeling an emotional hangover this morning. Last night I had a bit of a blow up with husband. We had pretty much a truce during vacation, mostly went our own ways. Last night when I got home no one was there, I thought good a quiet night. Minutes later hubby came in, drunk of course. He started making dinner for me(nice hugh), but then he asked me if I wanted to have sexual contact. I said sure why don't you seduce me? A few other comments were made, nothing really and went into the bedroom to hide for the rest of the night. I cried myself silly for not reason other than pure frustration at the situation. I am so tired of trying so hard to do the "right" thing and still the situation sucks. So that's all, I feel hung over, I feel stuck, I feel stupid. I have this quote on my white board: Human beings by changing the inner attitudes of their minds, can change the outer aspects of their lives" William James Maybe I just can't change the inner attitudes of my mind? Maybe this is as good as it gets? Thanks for listening.

liddy

HI Rose

I like your phrase "emotional hangover" boy have I been there !
But dont be so hard on yourself, we all have those good and
bad days. LIfe is just like that.
You'll pick yourself up and start again cuz thats what we do.
Forward not backward. I dont want to ever go back to the
basketcase I was a year ago, God knows I have my moments
but he doesnt let me wallow in them for long.
We are changing our inner selves,progress not perfection Rose.
It does get better cuz we do !
many Hugs
liddy

EyesOpen

I've come to the conclusion that when I "try to do the right thing", and it causes me to be stressed, then I can't be "doing the right thing".

In normal human relations, being polite andeven tempered with someone is the right thing to do.

But, to try to carry on with someone who is drunk, and act as if they weren't drunk, is not the right thing to do. It is the wrong thing to do. It warps your mind, and long term does damage. (IMHO)

Of course, yelling at them for being drunk is wrong too.

Perhaps the only course of action is letting your feet do the talking. (Till the next morning, next week, however long it takes till they are willing to be present mentally as well as physically.)

After all, if they aren't able to fully engage in the interaction, then they've already decided for us, that contact with them has a built-in "phoneyness" to it.

Plus, when we pretend like nothing's wrong, there is no incentive for them to behave differently. They'll know they can give us scraps and we'll give them our time & attention in return.

jessieandme2003

This speaks so much of what I experienced with my AH when he was active. It took al anon for me to realize it just wasn't enough for me and walk away. It is the ultimate tease, the way they give us a peek at the man we want every now and then just to keep us hanging on. I had to finally accept he wasn't the man I wanted, not while he was an active A.
And like so many, I really didn't make the move on my own, and may never have. I just kept controlling and screaming and nagging until he walked out one night. My realization came then, after having to accept he left, and thankfully in time to say no when he wanted to return. (other have some other event, like violence or something, that makes them reach their 'bottom' and walk away.)
To this day I wonder how much longer I would have stayed in that situation if he hadn't walked. The night he wlaked out I went to an al anon meeting in hopes of finding out how to get him back, only to eventually learn that that was the last thing I needed or wanted. His one step led me to my path of recovery. Would I have ever taken that step on my own? How long would his scraps have been enough for me?
The happy ending for me right now is a husband sober 17 days and happy as can be. He loves me and wants to reconcile and is very committed to his recovery. I am getting a lot more than scraps now, and loving every minute.

Rose56

Thanks for your words of wisdom. I like the scraps of attention observation. It is like that, scraps of love and attention that keeps me coming back for more. But I think I may be near my breaking point. Boy has it taken me so long to get here. I think the pressure about sex may be the thing that sends me way over the edge. I feel like I want to live the rest of my life alone, so I don't ever have to feel pressured about sex again.

I feel like I just want to run away from all the burdon that my life has become. I don't want to face up to initiating a separation from my husband. I am not strong enough YET to do it just because it is the right thing for me. I am not strong enough YET to withstand his desire to come back to me. But I do feel myself getting that strong. Again the sex thing might be just the last straw.

Like it is not good enough that I have stood by him all these years. Like it is not good enough that I pay all the bills, take care of the children, get his medicine when he is sick, manage our whole life. He wants sex too. Sex with someone I no longer find attractive, interesting, or respect. Today I feel like I JUST GIVE UP.

I have an urge to tell him this, that I give up and that I am going to call a lawyer. But I have learned to keep quiet, because tomorrow I may not have the nerve to go through with it. Tomorrow I may not feel angry anymore, tomorrow I may choose to just keep surviving the best I can. And then I look stupid. So I will keep my big pronouncements to myself( and you all) and see what tomorrow will bring. At least I have learned this much!! LOL.

EyesOpen

Hey Rose,

I'd like to take credit for the "scraps" concept, but I heard it from Toby Rice Drews. (her book: "Getting Them Sober" is excellent. Grab yourself a copy. It helped me bunches. Her website: www.gettingthemsober.com)

As far as the "big question" to separate or not, I also learned that keeping quiet is the best policy. And its okay to take your time in deciding what (if anything) to do. We didn't get into these situations overnight, so getting them resolved takes time too.

phab4ever

Rose

I SO relate to the sex problem.Now my husband and I basically live like friends.I told him I can't have sex with him if he's drunk.So if he chooses to drink over being with me,SO BE IT!My bedroom has become my sanctuary.We don't share the bedroom anymore,he snores outrageuosly.

I really do love my husband and I know he loves me(just not enough to quit drinking)I worry constantly about his healthand so does he(but not enough to stop drinking).He feels so much shame at having to ask for help.He's also afraid he'll get fired if work finds out.I told him I didn't think that would happen.They think a great deal of him where he works.
Anyway,forgive me for rambling.I wish you all the luck with your life.I know you will find your way!
God Bless,Karen