Just need you to steady me, please
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: Ireland
Posts: 152
Just need you to steady me, please
Hi
Yesterday and last night were bad. My RAH from whom i'm trying to seperate (but we have to live together till court date (months and months away) rang me at work to tell me I'd given him an STD.
I called him on it and asked him to name it, but all he would say was that he'd been to his doctor and I knew what he was talking about. He believes he has loads of evidence of my numerous affairs with both men and women from when he used search my room, before I had the lock put on.
When he didn't get the reaction the wanted from me he rang my sister. This is the first time he has done this. She cut him off but I'm afraid his next step is to ring my parents who are in their eighties and frail and don't yet know we are spitting up because I cant live with his insanity, emotional abuse and contro; andy more. He believes he was a model husband and is determind to preserve his good name.
He was up all last night, banging door to keep me awake etc. He tells me I'm sick mentally and lots of other stuff too digusting to type. This through my locked door.
he'll be getting the first of the court notices next week which will include a warning about harrassment under the Domestic Violence Act. He has no idea this is coming. Every day he tries a new ploy to bring me back under control or break me, but I won't let him. I'll be stronger than him in the end and get him out of MY house and my life forever. Say a prayer for me please, I hate going home after work.
Yesterday and last night were bad. My RAH from whom i'm trying to seperate (but we have to live together till court date (months and months away) rang me at work to tell me I'd given him an STD.
I called him on it and asked him to name it, but all he would say was that he'd been to his doctor and I knew what he was talking about. He believes he has loads of evidence of my numerous affairs with both men and women from when he used search my room, before I had the lock put on.
When he didn't get the reaction the wanted from me he rang my sister. This is the first time he has done this. She cut him off but I'm afraid his next step is to ring my parents who are in their eighties and frail and don't yet know we are spitting up because I cant live with his insanity, emotional abuse and contro; andy more. He believes he was a model husband and is determind to preserve his good name.
He was up all last night, banging door to keep me awake etc. He tells me I'm sick mentally and lots of other stuff too digusting to type. This through my locked door.
he'll be getting the first of the court notices next week which will include a warning about harrassment under the Domestic Violence Act. He has no idea this is coming. Every day he tries a new ploy to bring me back under control or break me, but I won't let him. I'll be stronger than him in the end and get him out of MY house and my life forever. Say a prayer for me please, I hate going home after work.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2009
Location: London, UK
Posts: 927
:ghug
I don't know the law in Ireland.. but I can't believe that your lawyer, knowing that every single day you are being verbally, emotionally and mentally attacked, can't find a way to get him out of there pending the finalisation of your separation/divorce.
Every time you post it gets worse. I'm sending you my prayers but please take care of yourself...
I don't know the law in Ireland.. but I can't believe that your lawyer, knowing that every single day you are being verbally, emotionally and mentally attacked, can't find a way to get him out of there pending the finalisation of your separation/divorce.
Every time you post it gets worse. I'm sending you my prayers but please take care of yourself...
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: behind the viewfinder...
Posts: 6,278
What a horrible situation. Do you have children? Do you have to go home after work? Could you sign up for a night class at college or join a gym so you could stay away at least a few nights a week?
L
L
Member
Join Date: Feb 2009
Location: London, UK
Posts: 927
ok I'm just going to come right out and say it..
He sounds deranged.. and you sound under seige. I'm not going to comment on him. But I am going to say something to you sophia.. look at how you are living. In fact living is being generous. You are existing in someone's insanity. You don't want to go home, your privacy is violated, you undergo some form of noise torture amnesty international could get up in arms about, you are accused of sleeping around and having stds, he is bothering your family and you live in fear of him calling your parents.
Call your lawyer.. tell them what you are telling us.. and ask them to get him out. What price your health..this has to be taking a huge toll on you.. not to mention he seems unstable... who knows what this man is capable of.
I'm scared and intimidated and I'm in another country!
He sounds deranged.. and you sound under seige. I'm not going to comment on him. But I am going to say something to you sophia.. look at how you are living. In fact living is being generous. You are existing in someone's insanity. You don't want to go home, your privacy is violated, you undergo some form of noise torture amnesty international could get up in arms about, you are accused of sleeping around and having stds, he is bothering your family and you live in fear of him calling your parents.
Call your lawyer.. tell them what you are telling us.. and ask them to get him out. What price your health..this has to be taking a huge toll on you.. not to mention he seems unstable... who knows what this man is capable of.
I'm scared and intimidated and I'm in another country!
Member
Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: London
Posts: 219
Depending on how you feel about his actions you could log all the harrassment with times and dates and report it all to the police on a daily basis, they will eventually arrest him. If he continues on this path after the arrest they will charge him. This behaviour is not acceptable, I have been through this but wasn't living with him at the time, Lord above only knows how terrible it must be when you have to be in the same house.
My thoughts are with you.
My thoughts are with you.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
Sophia,
I would definitely place a call to your parents and tell them as gently as you can what's going on. It is better heard from you than from this madman.
Your STBXAH sounds psychotic.
I understand why you are staying but I hope that the harassment clause will either a) have its desired effect, or b) give you a leg to stand on in terms of having him removed. I'd be 100% sure he understands exactly what it means, and what the repercussions will be if he continues.
This is from the Domestic Violence Act:
I'd encourage you to familiarize yourself with the entire act but especially this part:
Irish Statute Book, Acts of the Oireachtas, Domestic Violence Act, 1996, Section 3
What he is doing is illegal, Sophia. You need to document EVERY SINGLE THING HE SAYS (with date, time, direct quotes) and EVERY INCIDENT OF HARRASSMENT (date, time, nature, duration) Start today with a fresh yellow pad. Include this venereal disease nonsense and his harassment of your family, especially the elders. Fill pages and pages with it if you can - and I'm sure you can.
You must do this. The law is on your side. You have to be willing to use it, though. I know you are tired and beaten down, but please try to find the energy to keep a log so that you can free yourself sooner. Your life may depend on it.
We are here for you - and so is Irish law.
I would definitely place a call to your parents and tell them as gently as you can what's going on. It is better heard from you than from this madman.
Your STBXAH sounds psychotic.
I understand why you are staying but I hope that the harassment clause will either a) have its desired effect, or b) give you a leg to stand on in terms of having him removed. I'd be 100% sure he understands exactly what it means, and what the repercussions will be if he continues.
This is from the Domestic Violence Act:
(3) A barring order may, if the court thinks fit, prohibit the respondent from doing one or more of the following, that is to say:
( a ) using or threatening to use violence against the applicant or any dependent person;
( b ) molesting or putting in fear the applicant or any dependent person;
( a ) using or threatening to use violence against the applicant or any dependent person;
( b ) molesting or putting in fear the applicant or any dependent person;
Irish Statute Book, Acts of the Oireachtas, Domestic Violence Act, 1996, Section 3
What he is doing is illegal, Sophia. You need to document EVERY SINGLE THING HE SAYS (with date, time, direct quotes) and EVERY INCIDENT OF HARRASSMENT (date, time, nature, duration) Start today with a fresh yellow pad. Include this venereal disease nonsense and his harassment of your family, especially the elders. Fill pages and pages with it if you can - and I'm sure you can.
You must do this. The law is on your side. You have to be willing to use it, though. I know you are tired and beaten down, but please try to find the energy to keep a log so that you can free yourself sooner. Your life may depend on it.
We are here for you - and so is Irish law.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: Ireland
Posts: 152
Thanks so much to everyone, it was so lovely to see so much support.
GiveLove - I've been keeping a diary for nearly two months now of every incident or flare-up with direct quotes from him. I was instructed to do so, it will be eveidence so I can get a safety order, which is different to a barring order.
A barring order is only given AFTER there has been violence, if you can believe that, but it's true. A safety order doesnt remove him from the house, but it is o record with the police, so if I call them saying I feel threatened or in fear, they can come and remove him for that night only, or if they feel it's warranted, charge him and it does have criminal implications.
I've gone down every route I can find to try to find a way of getting him out, and there simply isnt one unless he hits me. It's stupid, but emotional and verbal abuse simply aren't recognised as 'violence' here, in law.
You're right, Tallulah, he is deranged. You should see his face when he's in full flow, twisted and mad. My lawyer knows all of this, and still nothing can be done unless he touches me.
I want to tell my parents in person, they're very deaf and it would be impossible to break it to them on the phone. The reason I havent told them yet is that they're both worriers, in shaky health and the fact that it could be this time next year when we get a court date as the courts dont sit from June to November in Ireland, so there's always a huge backlog.
The police here aren't great at paying attention to domestic situations, but I have lifted the phone and dialled during confrontations and he's backed off. I wont hesitate the next time to ring and log any harrassment.
I do get some space the evenings he goes to AA, or works shifts, which helps, and tomorrow I'm going to my sister's again for the weekend. This infuriates him, as he can't get at me.
Its so great to know you're all here and I can come and let some of the tension out. Thank you all again, I need this now more than ever.
GiveLove - I've been keeping a diary for nearly two months now of every incident or flare-up with direct quotes from him. I was instructed to do so, it will be eveidence so I can get a safety order, which is different to a barring order.
A barring order is only given AFTER there has been violence, if you can believe that, but it's true. A safety order doesnt remove him from the house, but it is o record with the police, so if I call them saying I feel threatened or in fear, they can come and remove him for that night only, or if they feel it's warranted, charge him and it does have criminal implications.
I've gone down every route I can find to try to find a way of getting him out, and there simply isnt one unless he hits me. It's stupid, but emotional and verbal abuse simply aren't recognised as 'violence' here, in law.
You're right, Tallulah, he is deranged. You should see his face when he's in full flow, twisted and mad. My lawyer knows all of this, and still nothing can be done unless he touches me.
I want to tell my parents in person, they're very deaf and it would be impossible to break it to them on the phone. The reason I havent told them yet is that they're both worriers, in shaky health and the fact that it could be this time next year when we get a court date as the courts dont sit from June to November in Ireland, so there's always a huge backlog.
The police here aren't great at paying attention to domestic situations, but I have lifted the phone and dialled during confrontations and he's backed off. I wont hesitate the next time to ring and log any harrassment.
I do get some space the evenings he goes to AA, or works shifts, which helps, and tomorrow I'm going to my sister's again for the weekend. This infuriates him, as he can't get at me.
Its so great to know you're all here and I can come and let some of the tension out. Thank you all again, I need this now more than ever.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: behind the viewfinder...
Posts: 6,278
Regarding the STD. You're not sleeping with him are you? It just occurred to me that maybe he is using "the best defense is a good offense" strategy. Is it possible the he could have given you an STD and is trying to cover his a$$? You don't have to answer any of these questions publicly, I just wanted to put it out there and alert you to see a doctor if there is any chance my suspicions could be correct.
(((())))
L
(((())))
L
Living in a Pinkful Place
Join Date: May 2006
Location: Louisiana
Posts: 7,545
prayers for you, sweetie.
I pray some day we will live in a world where the Legal System recognizes the dangers of living with active addiction and that emotional and mental abuse is just as damaging as physicial abuse.
HUGS to you,
Rita
I pray some day we will live in a world where the Legal System recognizes the dangers of living with active addiction and that emotional and mental abuse is just as damaging as physicial abuse.
HUGS to you,
Rita
Member
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: FL
Posts: 10
Prayers to You
You are very courageous in the face of such a horrible addict. I pray that God will give you the strength to bear his rages until you can legally get him out of your house and out of your life!
My AH has never been physically abusive, but when he's drunk and we've argued, I have seen momentary flashes of the demon he could be just beneath the surface. Alcoholism is certainly a pit of chaos.
It just occurred to me that I probably have never lived a day with the man that he was not drunk.
<<<<Hugs for you>>>>
My AH has never been physically abusive, but when he's drunk and we've argued, I have seen momentary flashes of the demon he could be just beneath the surface. Alcoholism is certainly a pit of chaos.
It just occurred to me that I probably have never lived a day with the man that he was not drunk.
<<<<Hugs for you>>>>
Member
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: West Midlands, UK
Posts: 107
Thinking of you Sophia, the last mile is always the hardest so stay strong. Do all you can in your power to avoid him in this time. Looking forward to hearing from you when you have some peace in your life (and before too of course!) x
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: Ireland
Posts: 152
LaTeeDa- I mind mind you saying that at all. I haven't slept with him in over 6 months and he told me yesterday that the basis for his 'fears' that he has caught an STD from me is the fact he found an empty packet of antibiotics I was taking recently for a flu virus.
He looked it up on the net and saw it was also used to treat STDs - that is his ONLY basis for assumption that he has caught something. If he has it certainly wasnt from me!
He's been trying to ring my doctor to find out if I have a disease. I've lost a lot of weight
due to stress, and this is another reason he thinks I'm sick. He's totally delusional.
I've been on to my lawyer this morning telling her what he's doing and she's going going to get back to me as this had to be stopped. Next thing he'll appear in my place of work denouncing me as unclean.
And remember, this man has 15 years sober in AA. Or maybe just dry, not sober.
Today I'm just really p!!ssed, which is better than being scared. When he told me his reason I just laughed, it was so ridiculous and pathetic. Didn't change his mind, though.
Thanks again for your wonderful support.
He looked it up on the net and saw it was also used to treat STDs - that is his ONLY basis for assumption that he has caught something. If he has it certainly wasnt from me!
He's been trying to ring my doctor to find out if I have a disease. I've lost a lot of weight
due to stress, and this is another reason he thinks I'm sick. He's totally delusional.
I've been on to my lawyer this morning telling her what he's doing and she's going going to get back to me as this had to be stopped. Next thing he'll appear in my place of work denouncing me as unclean.
And remember, this man has 15 years sober in AA. Or maybe just dry, not sober.
Today I'm just really p!!ssed, which is better than being scared. When he told me his reason I just laughed, it was so ridiculous and pathetic. Didn't change his mind, though.
Thanks again for your wonderful support.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 2,582
Sophia,
My thoughts are with you.
This man sounds out of his mind. Making up stories and such. Good idea to talk with an attorney. This type of harrassment sounds like slander and defamation of character, if he is affecting your image/relationships/work.
Good luck to you.
Miss
My thoughts are with you.
This man sounds out of his mind. Making up stories and such. Good idea to talk with an attorney. This type of harrassment sounds like slander and defamation of character, if he is affecting your image/relationships/work.
Good luck to you.
Miss
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