my wife may have a drinking problem
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Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: Southern Colorado
Posts: 1,167
Originally Posted by Dreamer999 
Obsession with another adult's choices is a codependent trait. Have you read Codependent no more by Melodie Beattie? I urge you to read it! It is an eye opener...
And LaTeeDa seemed to have a reaction to my comment here;
I guess I just ain't into all this legal advice and marriage counseling talk, except for how it might lead to the recovery thereof... for you and for her.
...and yes, I did sort of know this way the Friends and Family section. I didn't mean to imply to get divorced or don't get divorced. I was trying to imply that there's recovery for you too and get free from that so bad relationships don't continue to happen. Or as Melody Beatty would suggest, be "proactive", not reative.
I was just pointing out where the tools in the book are... but I think it's only a small piece to the puzzle as far as codependence goes. IDK. I'm learning myself. But it's our common pitch on the other side of the illness to say, "Let's just take a trip through the steps and see how that works first." If you all have done that and it still didn't work, then yeah, I could understand trying something else.
I don't know how that all works out in practice, but it seems like solid advice because it's similar to the spiritual principles we follow on the other side of the illness. Namely, you are responsible. You must decide and go after recovery. If you wait for the world to change in order for you to be well, you're a slave to them.
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Actually, as I quoted in my original post, this is the comment I "had a reaction to."
Many of us have admitted we are powerless over the alcoholic who wishes to continue drinking. It is perfectly acceptable for someone who is facing the same circumstances to come here for ES&H regarding divorce and child custody.
Peace,
L
Originally Posted by McGowdog
This is soberrecovery.com. Not divorceandchildcustodyRus.com.
Peace,
L
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You have gotten really great feedback, T. Especially from those--like kj-- who were specific about how the alcoholism progressed while the alcoholic led what appeared to be a functioning life.
As long as the alcoholic keeps her job, her house, her husband, custody of her children, her friends, her extended family....she doesn't think her drinking is a problem. Status quo proves in her mind that there is no problem.
If you had NOT responded authentically to what is very obviously a serious problem (which she will deny in order to protect her drinking, as she unconsciously thinks she cannot live without it), then you would be enabling her disease to progress uninterrupted.
All the best as you move forward. I hope you get a strong support system and don't disappear into her illness. Do take care.
As long as the alcoholic keeps her job, her house, her husband, custody of her children, her friends, her extended family....she doesn't think her drinking is a problem. Status quo proves in her mind that there is no problem.
If you had NOT responded authentically to what is very obviously a serious problem (which she will deny in order to protect her drinking, as she unconsciously thinks she cannot live without it), then you would be enabling her disease to progress uninterrupted.
All the best as you move forward. I hope you get a strong support system and don't disappear into her illness. Do take care.
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Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: where the streets have no name
Posts: 1,078
Please get a good lawyer. Documenting her drinking as best as you can is very important re divorce and custody. Video, photos, etc etc.
Isn't it amazing how when given the choice to get help for her drinking or losing her family, she chose booze.
So sorry for you.
Isn't it amazing how when given the choice to get help for her drinking or losing her family, she chose booze.
So sorry for you.
1 Corinthians 13:1-13 love
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: IL
Posts: 435
This is just a day to be very honest about how I feel , so excuse my lack of tact ahead of time. This is just straight honesty:
If I asked my AH for a divorce and he immediately drew up seperation papers I would have looked at it like a favor. Those who have went through the "help" years and ended in divorce anyway may have a better word then I even to say how they feel in hindsight. Many here have gone through the long drawn out "act" and/or actual attempts of the AH to quit , wanting to save the marriage. Sounds like yours isn't even interested in the attempt. Your are guilty of nothing by laying out an ultimatum you meant. You are NOT at blame for her reaction. Were you trying to control her by your ultimatum or where you really trying to get her own actual reaction to your ultimatum?
As to losing everything: emotionally you are probably being saved a lot this way.
As to being male in a divorce, yep that can suck, but she is the alcoholic and moved forward with a seperation... so fight for your fair share of stuff, and fight for you child , for custody if she won't agree to your reasonable agreement to custody. And yep, make known her history of alcohol use , consumption and intoxication to your very good lawyer. Do not underplay because " she is really a good person."
love tammy
If I asked my AH for a divorce and he immediately drew up seperation papers I would have looked at it like a favor. Those who have went through the "help" years and ended in divorce anyway may have a better word then I even to say how they feel in hindsight. Many here have gone through the long drawn out "act" and/or actual attempts of the AH to quit , wanting to save the marriage. Sounds like yours isn't even interested in the attempt. Your are guilty of nothing by laying out an ultimatum you meant. You are NOT at blame for her reaction. Were you trying to control her by your ultimatum or where you really trying to get her own actual reaction to your ultimatum?
As to losing everything: emotionally you are probably being saved a lot this way.
As to being male in a divorce, yep that can suck, but she is the alcoholic and moved forward with a seperation... so fight for your fair share of stuff, and fight for you child , for custody if she won't agree to your reasonable agreement to custody. And yep, make known her history of alcohol use , consumption and intoxication to your very good lawyer. Do not underplay because " she is really a good person."
love tammy
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Join Date: May 2009
Location: British Columbia
Posts: 49
Hi Tactless
Another view from the other side of the coin. I ignored all the warning signs that told everyone who knew me that I had a serious problem with alcohol. Finally my wife had enough and told me to get out. For me that was the last straw and I admitted to myself that the problem wasn't everyone else, it was me. I decided to give AA a try and it worked once I actually worked the 12 steps.
All that said we are still seperated but I credit my wife for saving my life and even if we never get back together I shudder to think of where I would have ended up if she hadn't took that stand.
I agree with the others that you need to think of yourself and your son because if your wife is an alcoholic sooner or later alcohol will take over her life completely.
As an alcoholic who caused so much pain for my wife and family I'm sorry you have been put in this position.
All the best
Steve
Another view from the other side of the coin. I ignored all the warning signs that told everyone who knew me that I had a serious problem with alcohol. Finally my wife had enough and told me to get out. For me that was the last straw and I admitted to myself that the problem wasn't everyone else, it was me. I decided to give AA a try and it worked once I actually worked the 12 steps.
All that said we are still seperated but I credit my wife for saving my life and even if we never get back together I shudder to think of where I would have ended up if she hadn't took that stand.
I agree with the others that you need to think of yourself and your son because if your wife is an alcoholic sooner or later alcohol will take over her life completely.
As an alcoholic who caused so much pain for my wife and family I'm sorry you have been put in this position.
All the best
Steve
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Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: USA
Posts: 646
Hi Tactless. I am a recently divorced woman that was married to an A. Now, I have to share parenting time with him which is hard because now the behavior is directed toward the kids instead of me. Anyway, divorce is hard and it is even worse for fathers because the courts still tend to favor mothers in custody issues. There is a great site called dads divorce forum that may really help you in wading through a divorce from an A mom. It helped me tremendously.
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Originally Posted by tactless
I have beeen educating myself on women and alcoholism. I fear if she doesn't get help now that her life will be full of misery and pain. I guess one of my questions would be how long does she have before she is full blown? I know it depends on the womens biochemistry and how much alcohol she consumes.
"Page 33 mentions how women can be down for the count in just 4 short years".
What does that mean???
Yes I would want to support her and not abandon her. I'm afraid that she just wants to drink with me not around because she feels ashamed to drink in front of me.
I'm trying to find the courage to talk to her and tell her I want to be there for her.
"Page 33 mentions how women can be down for the count in just 4 short years".
What does that mean???
Yes I would want to support her and not abandon her. I'm afraid that she just wants to drink with me not around because she feels ashamed to drink in front of me.
I'm trying to find the courage to talk to her and tell her I want to be there for her.
She may be ashamed to let you see her drink/drunk, or may enjoy drinking at the bar. Alcoholics can be like 2 separate people. My aw kept her drinking world/friends/flings separate and secretive from our marriage.
Sadly, lies become the "norm". Read up on setting boundaries, not enabling, things to keep your mind from not obsessing about her drinking.
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Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 2,059
tactless-
like you, i was in denial about the extent of my ABFs drinking until we lived together. for 3 years, he hid it quite well but once i moved in, it became apparent.
once i educated myself about alcoholism and started establishing boundaries, my A became abusive towards me. i guess i was becoming an obstacle in the way of his drinking.
it's not a nice thing to become obsessed with someone else behavior...: where are they? who are they with? is this another lie? why don't they call? etc. etc.
the whole thing started feeling very unhealthy and my energy drained. i didn't feel like myself anymore, couldn't focus on things anymore all the while trying to hold the card house from collapsing.
if i was you, i would begin to document her drinking and get a good lawyer. how can someone who is drunk care for a child? they can't even take care of themselves, which you will soon discover if/when you step aside and let her suffer the consequences of her drinking.
naive
like you, i was in denial about the extent of my ABFs drinking until we lived together. for 3 years, he hid it quite well but once i moved in, it became apparent.
once i educated myself about alcoholism and started establishing boundaries, my A became abusive towards me. i guess i was becoming an obstacle in the way of his drinking.
it's not a nice thing to become obsessed with someone else behavior...: where are they? who are they with? is this another lie? why don't they call? etc. etc.
the whole thing started feeling very unhealthy and my energy drained. i didn't feel like myself anymore, couldn't focus on things anymore all the while trying to hold the card house from collapsing.
if i was you, i would begin to document her drinking and get a good lawyer. how can someone who is drunk care for a child? they can't even take care of themselves, which you will soon discover if/when you step aside and let her suffer the consequences of her drinking.
naive
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I was an alcoholic single mom. It started innocently enough with just having one glass of wine before they got home from high school so I'd be 'relaxed' and not get sucked into fights or arguments. It didn't even take six months before I was drinking all day, every day. I didn't think the kids noticed, but they did and they didn't like it one bit. They called me on my drinking and I promised I'd stop, but all I did was hide it better (I thought). I went to rehab three times early last year, only to continue drinking and hiding it.
My daughter threatened to upend her life by moving in with her dad in another city away from her friends and familiar surroundings, that's how bad I was. I didn't go to bars either, did all my drinking at home alone. Long story short, I didn't stop drinking until I wanted to stop. When I wanted to be sober more than I wanted to drink, I was then able to stay sober.
I risked losing my kids, but still drank. I'd lost most of my work, but still drank. I didn't take good care of my house, my kids, my dogs - but still drank. Your wife has to want to get sober for herself, and until she does, she will keep drinking. Please don't leave your child to her tender mercies. Do what you must to document her drinking. Fight for custody, fight hard. And don't try to understand her - she doesn't understand herself or her own behavior so how can you possibly understand.
I wish you well. I wish I could convey to your wife how much better I feel and how much better my life is sober... but no one can convince her but herself.
My daughter threatened to upend her life by moving in with her dad in another city away from her friends and familiar surroundings, that's how bad I was. I didn't go to bars either, did all my drinking at home alone. Long story short, I didn't stop drinking until I wanted to stop. When I wanted to be sober more than I wanted to drink, I was then able to stay sober.
I risked losing my kids, but still drank. I'd lost most of my work, but still drank. I didn't take good care of my house, my kids, my dogs - but still drank. Your wife has to want to get sober for herself, and until she does, she will keep drinking. Please don't leave your child to her tender mercies. Do what you must to document her drinking. Fight for custody, fight hard. And don't try to understand her - she doesn't understand herself or her own behavior so how can you possibly understand.
I wish you well. I wish I could convey to your wife how much better I feel and how much better my life is sober... but no one can convince her but herself.
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Location: where the streets have no name
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Originally Posted by least
I was an alcoholic single mom. It started innocently enough with just having one glass of wine before they got home from high school so I'd be 'relaxed' and not get sucked into fights or arguments. It didn't even take six months before I was drinking all day, every day. I didn't think the kids noticed, but they did and they didn't like it one bit. They called me on my drinking and I promised I'd stop, but all I did was hide it better (I thought). I went to rehab three times early last year, only to continue drinking and hiding it.
My daughter threatened to upend her life by moving in with her dad in another city away from her friends and familiar surroundings, that's how bad I was. I didn't go to bars either, did all my drinking at home alone. Long story short, I didn't stop drinking until I wanted to stop. When I wanted to be sober more than I wanted to drink, I was then able to stay sober.
I risked losing my kids, but still drank. I'd lost most of my work, but still drank. I didn't take good care of my house, my kids, my dogs - but still drank. Your wife has to want to get sober for herself, and until she does, she will keep drinking. Please don't leave your child to her tender mercies. Do what you must to document her drinking. Fight for custody, fight hard. And don't try to understand her - she doesn't understand herself or her own behavior so how can you possibly understand.
I wish you well. I wish I could convey to your wife how much better I feel and how much better my life is sober... but no one can convince her but herself.
My daughter threatened to upend her life by moving in with her dad in another city away from her friends and familiar surroundings, that's how bad I was. I didn't go to bars either, did all my drinking at home alone. Long story short, I didn't stop drinking until I wanted to stop. When I wanted to be sober more than I wanted to drink, I was then able to stay sober.
I risked losing my kids, but still drank. I'd lost most of my work, but still drank. I didn't take good care of my house, my kids, my dogs - but still drank. Your wife has to want to get sober for herself, and until she does, she will keep drinking. Please don't leave your child to her tender mercies. Do what you must to document her drinking. Fight for custody, fight hard. And don't try to understand her - she doesn't understand herself or her own behavior so how can you possibly understand.
I wish you well. I wish I could convey to your wife how much better I feel and how much better my life is sober... but no one can convince her but herself.
What a great post!!
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