New, doing much searching...
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Join Date: Apr 2009
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New, doing much searching...
Hello. I am new here. My husband is an alcoholic. He has been mostly sober for the past year. Lately he has been drinking "in moderation" even though he knows he probably shouldn't. My problem is this. He is rarely drunk now. But he hides liquor & sneaks it & then I find out (not by searching, by him leaving it out accidentally or me coming home while he's drinking) So, when this happens he doesn't seem to understand why I am so upset. He says he can't see what the big deal is since he's not drunk, he's not acting a fool, we're not fighting, none of the "old drunken" stuff. I still feel that it is wrong for him to lie & sneak behind my back. Separation is not the answer for us. He is my best friend, I love him very much & the good by far outweighs the bad. What do I do? I've told him I'd rather him just drink out in the open & not lie and hide. I just feel like he's broken my trust. Are there others that live with a functioning alcoholic who drinks in moderation? Can that possible work? How do you let go & not worry about it? AHHHHH! There are so many questions! TIA for your words of wisdom!
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Join Date: Apr 2009
Posts: 18
hello, there.....
I'm a newbie to this forum (though not the problem) and someone suggested I read "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie. It turns out that it is a "perennial best seller" from my bookstore. But, go read that. Now. It will start you on the best track ever. My wife is wonderful except for the episodes that last 3 to 5 days about every month. Can I live with that? Yes so far. You have to decide if you really have trust that can be broken. I have none but realize that it is her decision to break my trust and my decision to not allow that to affect what I do.
This is such a lame answer. Some of the people out here have great solutions.
I'm a newbie to this forum (though not the problem) and someone suggested I read "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie. It turns out that it is a "perennial best seller" from my bookstore. But, go read that. Now. It will start you on the best track ever. My wife is wonderful except for the episodes that last 3 to 5 days about every month. Can I live with that? Yes so far. You have to decide if you really have trust that can be broken. I have none but realize that it is her decision to break my trust and my decision to not allow that to affect what I do.
This is such a lame answer. Some of the people out here have great solutions.
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Join Date: Jan 2006
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It's not a lame answer, Vanish. In fact, I would go so far as to say it is the crux of the whole issue of living with an alcoholic.
Many people come here looking for answers on how to get the alcoholic to do what they think the alcoholic should do. Namely-quit drinking. But, along the way, most of us discover that we are driving ourselves insane trying to control another person. Some people learn to accept quickly, while others take years. Some never do. But, that is the key to moving forward.
It's not about drinking or not drinking, leaving or staying. It's about acceptance. Once you accept the alcoholic is going to do whatever they are going to do, and you are powerless to change it, then any other decisions you need to make can be made. Once you learn to live in reality rather than denial, what is rather than what might be, life takes on a whole new glow.
I hope you both stick around here long enough to see the glow.
L
Many people come here looking for answers on how to get the alcoholic to do what they think the alcoholic should do. Namely-quit drinking. But, along the way, most of us discover that we are driving ourselves insane trying to control another person. Some people learn to accept quickly, while others take years. Some never do. But, that is the key to moving forward.
It's not about drinking or not drinking, leaving or staying. It's about acceptance. Once you accept the alcoholic is going to do whatever they are going to do, and you are powerless to change it, then any other decisions you need to make can be made. Once you learn to live in reality rather than denial, what is rather than what might be, life takes on a whole new glow.
I hope you both stick around here long enough to see the glow.
L
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Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
Vanish, give yourself credit-that was no lame answer!
Flyfree, I suggest you read the stickies at the top of this forum, and educate yourself on alcoholism. Get the book Vanish suggested. Look for Alanon meetings in your area because there you will find face-to-face support from others who have loved ones who are alcoholics.
Personally I could not live wih an active alcoholic, and that includes my 31 year old daughter. I briefly took her in after she had a lengthy incarceration for felony drug charges. I had my boundaries in place, including attending AA meetings, actively seeking employment, and no alcohol/drugs in my home.
She was out the door in a month, I changed the locks and got a restraining order on her. She turned the household upside down, and sucked her then 15 year old sister into her sickness.
She can drink/drug herself to death elsewhere. It won't happen on my watch. I was an enabler for years because there were grandkids involved. Fortunately she eventually lost custody of the kids.
Welcome to SR, and I hope you continue to post! :ghug
Flyfree, I suggest you read the stickies at the top of this forum, and educate yourself on alcoholism. Get the book Vanish suggested. Look for Alanon meetings in your area because there you will find face-to-face support from others who have loved ones who are alcoholics.
Personally I could not live wih an active alcoholic, and that includes my 31 year old daughter. I briefly took her in after she had a lengthy incarceration for felony drug charges. I had my boundaries in place, including attending AA meetings, actively seeking employment, and no alcohol/drugs in my home.
She was out the door in a month, I changed the locks and got a restraining order on her. She turned the household upside down, and sucked her then 15 year old sister into her sickness.
She can drink/drug herself to death elsewhere. It won't happen on my watch. I was an enabler for years because there were grandkids involved. Fortunately she eventually lost custody of the kids.
Welcome to SR, and I hope you continue to post! :ghug
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2009
Posts: 17
thank you. I have read quite a few of the stickies here. I have also attended a couple Al-Anon meetings. I have also done quite a bit of reading. The book Beyond the Influence has been wonderful for me. The thing I find most difficult is that most of the time my husband is great. Like Vanish, we have a small amount of "bad" time. That is what seems hard for me to figure out. Am I stressing too much b/c it's really not bad any more? But, I keep seeing that I need to let go of what he does. *sigh* That is so much easier said than done. I will stick around & keep reading! Thanks again.
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Most marriages/relationships are not perfect. Most of us have good times and bad times, and we are okay with it because it is to be expected in a relationship. In my marriage, the good times were more than the bad, in the beginning. Over time, the bad increased and the good decreased. That's what they mean by progressive.
If the good times really outweigh the bad, it is unlikely you would seek help on a site like this. I know I wouldn't have........
L
If the good times really outweigh the bad, it is unlikely you would seek help on a site like this. I know I wouldn't have........
L
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Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 2,582
Keep in mind that alcoholism is a progressive illness. It gets worse over time unless the A stops drinking entirely and seeks AA, therapy, etc...
You did not mention how long you had been together, but active A's can manipulate the heck out you even if you are their best friend.
You did not mention how long you had been together, but active A's can manipulate the heck out you even if you are their best friend.
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Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: Australia
Posts: 167
Originally Posted by LaTeeDa 
It's not about drinking or not drinking, leaving or staying. It's about acceptance. Once you accept the alcoholic is going to do whatever they are going to do, and you are powerless to change it, then any other decisions you need to make can be made. Once you learn to live in reality rather than denial, what is rather than what might be, life takes on a whole new glow.
Yield beautiful changes
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: A home filled with love
Posts: 1,697
Addiction and dishonesty go hand-in-hand.
An alcoholic in denial is lying to him/herself and, so, is most likely also lying to everyone else.
I came to my marriage with an expectation of honesty that was regularly affronted and worn down by my XAH's alcohol abuse. It got to the point where I didn't even ask what his day had been like - He edited the alcohol out of his version of what he'd been up to. I couldn't believe anything he told me about where he'd been, what he'd been doing, who he was with, etc..... I started to wonder what else he was editing out. Then I started to wonder why I was with someone I didn't trust any further than I could throw.
That's what untreated alcoholism did to my relationship. It subtly - then boldly - stole away my ability to trust my XAH in any situation.
My recovery, however, restored my ability to trust myself. Now that's a relationship that I can be proud of!
An alcoholic in denial is lying to him/herself and, so, is most likely also lying to everyone else.
I came to my marriage with an expectation of honesty that was regularly affronted and worn down by my XAH's alcohol abuse. It got to the point where I didn't even ask what his day had been like - He edited the alcohol out of his version of what he'd been up to. I couldn't believe anything he told me about where he'd been, what he'd been doing, who he was with, etc..... I started to wonder what else he was editing out. Then I started to wonder why I was with someone I didn't trust any further than I could throw.
That's what untreated alcoholism did to my relationship. It subtly - then boldly - stole away my ability to trust my XAH in any situation.
My recovery, however, restored my ability to trust myself. Now that's a relationship that I can be proud of!
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Join Date: Apr 2009
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Originally Posted by MissFixit
Keep in mind that alcoholism is a progressive illness. It gets worse over time unless the A stops drinking entirely and seeks AA, therapy, etc...
You did not mention how long you had been together, but active A's can manipulate the heck out you even if you are their best friend.
You did not mention how long you had been together, but active A's can manipulate the heck out you even if you are their best friend.
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Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
Originally Posted by flyfree76
Now that he is mostly sober I'm not sure if the angry outbursts and blame (he blames me for all things that go wrong) are part of the alcoholism, or if he is just a mean, selfish person?
Sober, for me, is also a state of mind. When I got into recovery, I had to address my disease threefold-physical, emotional, and spiritual.
The drinking was only a symptom of my problem, and the problem was looking right back at me in the mirror.
I was self-centered, egotistical, manipulative, full of fear, blame, resentment, and felt the world owed me.
Until I got into recovery, I was miserable in between drinking binges because I had not addressed the real problem.
Then there are those cases where alcohol gets too much credit. Some people are just a$$holes regardless.
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Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 2,582
Flyfree,
He admitted to you that he was an alcoholic 2-3 years ago. In that time, have you made steps to take care yourself emotionally? Like others posted, if you have not already, please read the stickies at the top of the forum. Also, you might try going to an al anon meeting. Talking with others who have been with active A's is very helpful to understanding that you are not alone and the "family nature" of the disease is quite real.
Miss
He admitted to you that he was an alcoholic 2-3 years ago. In that time, have you made steps to take care yourself emotionally? Like others posted, if you have not already, please read the stickies at the top of the forum. Also, you might try going to an al anon meeting. Talking with others who have been with active A's is very helpful to understanding that you are not alone and the "family nature" of the disease is quite real.
Miss
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Originally Posted by flyfree76
We have been together for 11 years or so. We started out partying together and then when the parties were over he just never stopped. About 2-3 years ago he admitted he was an alcoholic & that he had to quit. It made perfect sense once I thought about it all. All the drunken fights, hungover outbursts. Now that he is mostly sober I'm not sure if the angry outbursts and blame (he blames me for all things that go wrong) are part of the alcoholism, or if he is just a mean, selfish person?
L
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Join Date: Apr 2009
Posts: 17
Originally Posted by Freedom1990
In my experience, there's a world of difference between abstaining and sober.
Sober, for me, is also a state of mind. When I got into recovery, I had to address my disease threefold-physical, emotional, and spiritual.
The drinking was only a symptom of my problem, and the problem was looking right back at me in the mirror.
I was self-centered, egotistical, manipulative, full of fear, blame, resentment, and felt the world owed me.
Until I got into recovery, I was miserable in between drinking binges because I had not addressed the real problem.
Then there are those cases where alcohol gets too much credit. Some people are just a$$holes regardless.
Sober, for me, is also a state of mind. When I got into recovery, I had to address my disease threefold-physical, emotional, and spiritual.
The drinking was only a symptom of my problem, and the problem was looking right back at me in the mirror.
I was self-centered, egotistical, manipulative, full of fear, blame, resentment, and felt the world owed me.
Until I got into recovery, I was miserable in between drinking binges because I had not addressed the real problem.
Then there are those cases where alcohol gets too much credit. Some people are just a$$holes regardless.
Originally Posted by LaTeeDa
What ages are your children? (If you wish to share)
L
L
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Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
Originally Posted by flyfree76
They are 12, 3 & almost 1.
A jug fills drop by drop
Join Date: Nov 2008
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Hi flyfree
I guess there is never an answer, if its the alcohol or if alcohol only makes the real person get out... the only thing that matters ultimately is if you are OK with hs behavior... the reasons beyond that behavior, well, only God knows. The important stuff it is that is there, and the person who should own it is not being responsible for it.
I no longer want to be around people that do not take responsibility for their actions. I no longer want to be around people that are unable to look you in the eye and say "I apologize". Heck, I no longer want to be around people that will do anything to be apologetic for. Since I decided this, my world is totally different
All the best to you, I am glad you found SR!
I guess there is never an answer, if its the alcohol or if alcohol only makes the real person get out... the only thing that matters ultimately is if you are OK with hs behavior... the reasons beyond that behavior, well, only God knows. The important stuff it is that is there, and the person who should own it is not being responsible for it.
I no longer want to be around people that do not take responsibility for their actions. I no longer want to be around people that are unable to look you in the eye and say "I apologize". Heck, I no longer want to be around people that will do anything to be apologetic for. Since I decided this, my world is totally different
All the best to you, I am glad you found SR!
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Join Date: Apr 2009
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That makes so much sense Dreamer999. I guess if any person in your life has to constantly apologize something is askew. I need to stop focusing on figuring out why and set some boundaries for myself. After a particularly ridiculous display of yelling and stomping about yesterday I told him that I wasn't ok with him yelling at me and treating me that way is verbal abuse. He hasn't apologized, but I don't care. My sticking up for myself is good enough for me.
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