Yikes.....STBXAH is at an AA meeting
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Yikes.....STBXAH is at an AA meeting
He called me at work today and said he didn't want a divorce. He said he would do anything and that he does think he needs counseling and AA. So he researched it, found a meeting and went.
He asked if I would consider holding off on the divorce so we can get counseling and he can prove he's serious. I said no. I feel like a cold, heartless B, but I smell manipulation.....and I told him that. After so many years of being lied to, manipulated, abused, I don't know if I will EVER be able to trust him again. But he went, so good for him, right? Then why do I feel so crummy?
He asked if I would consider holding off on the divorce so we can get counseling and he can prove he's serious. I said no. I feel like a cold, heartless B, but I smell manipulation.....and I told him that. After so many years of being lied to, manipulated, abused, I don't know if I will EVER be able to trust him again. But he went, so good for him, right? Then why do I feel so crummy?
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Join Date: Nov 2007
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Well, look at it this way: It's not appropriate for him to ask or expect you to put your life on hold, any more. You need not feel guilty for that, because you've been there, done that, and he didn't take those chances to change. You don't owe him endless chances, only perhaps a single second chance. He's had that.
It's selfish and manipulative for him to ask for it again, ESPECIALLY since all he can offer you is a wing and a prayer and an iffy promise out into the future. He wants everything back to status quo, for nothing tangible.
Now, it's your turn to do what you want, what you feel is right for you.
It's fair, and shouldn't produce guilt.
CLMI
It's selfish and manipulative for him to ask for it again, ESPECIALLY since all he can offer you is a wing and a prayer and an iffy promise out into the future. He wants everything back to status quo, for nothing tangible.
Now, it's your turn to do what you want, what you feel is right for you.
It's fair, and shouldn't produce guilt.
CLMI
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Location: The Swish Alps, SF CA
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I think you feel crummy because it's a crummy situation. I am not very evolved by any means, so when someone I love is sh1tty to me, I feel sh1tty. I would like to be more "Gandhi" about everything, but the truth is I am human, thus things people do hurt my feelings no matter what the granola crunchers down at the local meeting hall say about "detach", "detach this, mofo" I feel like saying sometimes.
you are right not to trust him, he has proven by his actions and treatment of you where you really fit in in the big scheme of things for him.
Not very high.
I mean what did he think was going to happen when you found out he was cheating on you? Is he delusional?
Beginning to set firm boundaries after being doormats for so long is quite often a big surprise to those around us. it's confusing to them. It scares them.
For us, it's difficult, one of the scariest things I can remember in recent history was saying "no" to my sister after a lifetime of saying yes.
It's also very fresh, I mean it's all brand new, that's what the STB in front of "ex" means, you are still married to this man, he is still your husband. It takes time.
Don't buy in to his "act" if he really gets and stays sober, there is plenty of time to work on an entirely new relationship with him in the future, after a few months of being sober maybe he can get a houseplant, if it doesn't die, after awhile he can get a Goldfish, if he can take care of a Goldfish for awhile, maybe a Dog, after a few years with a dog, then he can maybe start practicing being a father and a friend, if, after a few years or so, He can give you the houseplant as a gift for your new home, and the dog still likes him, the goldfish isn't dead, the kids like him, you like him, then, maybe then, you can revisit a "relationship".
until then stay strong my sister.
you are right not to trust him, he has proven by his actions and treatment of you where you really fit in in the big scheme of things for him.
Not very high.
I mean what did he think was going to happen when you found out he was cheating on you? Is he delusional?
Beginning to set firm boundaries after being doormats for so long is quite often a big surprise to those around us. it's confusing to them. It scares them.
For us, it's difficult, one of the scariest things I can remember in recent history was saying "no" to my sister after a lifetime of saying yes.
It's also very fresh, I mean it's all brand new, that's what the STB in front of "ex" means, you are still married to this man, he is still your husband. It takes time.
Don't buy in to his "act" if he really gets and stays sober, there is plenty of time to work on an entirely new relationship with him in the future, after a few months of being sober maybe he can get a houseplant, if it doesn't die, after awhile he can get a Goldfish, if he can take care of a Goldfish for awhile, maybe a Dog, after a few years with a dog, then he can maybe start practicing being a father and a friend, if, after a few years or so, He can give you the houseplant as a gift for your new home, and the dog still likes him, the goldfish isn't dead, the kids like him, you like him, then, maybe then, you can revisit a "relationship".
until then stay strong my sister.
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Ago is right. It took years for you to get to the point of divorce. It's not going to be fixed by one meeting--or twenty. Things are the way they are right now not because of one incident, but years and years of behavior, right? So, maybe after a good long time of changed behavior, it might be worth considering. But, not after one meeting, or two, or twenty.
L
L
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could be you finally set your limit of what you will tolerate and he realizes you are not bluffing so he has reached that point of doing what he can about it.
isn't this what we want? what if he does stay with it? what if he does make changes and it is for the better? how are you manipulated? what if you continue to set your limits of what you will not accept for you and he came around to that?
not trying to confuse you, but the damage of what has already happened you were at one time willing to accept. does he not even get the chance to make amends? could be the start of a new and wonderful life you were always hoping. maybe it was all about boundaries?
isn't this what we want? what if he does stay with it? what if he does make changes and it is for the better? how are you manipulated? what if you continue to set your limits of what you will not accept for you and he came around to that?
not trying to confuse you, but the damage of what has already happened you were at one time willing to accept. does he not even get the chance to make amends? could be the start of a new and wonderful life you were always hoping. maybe it was all about boundaries?
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Originally Posted by escape artist 
not trying to confuse you, but the damage of what has already happened you were at one time willing to accept. does he not even get the chance to make amends? could be the start of a new and wonderful life you were always hoping. maybe it was all about boundaries?
And how does attending one meeting count as making amends?
L
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Location: Boston
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from escape artist: he realizes you are not bluffing
Well, yeah, but that's the whole point: blessed4x isn't bluffing. My understanding, having followed her threads these many months, is she is choosing what is the best thing to do for herself and her children. Not to "get him" to do anything.
Changing her plans based on him going to one meeting and "promising" to change seems dangerous and wishful thinking. Time will tell...more will be revealed...and I wish blessed4x fortitude and courage as she moves forward with her life plans!!
(((blessed4x))))
peace,
b
Well, yeah, but that's the whole point: blessed4x isn't bluffing. My understanding, having followed her threads these many months, is she is choosing what is the best thing to do for herself and her children. Not to "get him" to do anything.
Changing her plans based on him going to one meeting and "promising" to change seems dangerous and wishful thinking. Time will tell...more will be revealed...and I wish blessed4x fortitude and courage as she moves forward with her life plans!!
(((blessed4x))))
peace,
b
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Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: Brockton, Ma
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Dear Blessed,
You're not heartless. You're being realistic because you know how many times you've wanted to believe, did believe and was let down by your AH's manipulation!!!!!
You probably feel crummy because there's a part of you that still believes there's hope.
I'm feeling crummy and sad after asking my AB to not call me anymore. My heart of heart knows that no matter how much hope I may still have he has proven over and over again he's not capable of turning his life around. Maybe that's part of what you're feeling. If he really means it this time he'll follow through no matter if you remain married or divorced. Please....have the faith in yourself that you've done all you can do in this relationship. Live your life. Discover who you really are. And aren't we all worthy of being in healthy relationships?
God Bless.
Alphawoman
You're not heartless. You're being realistic because you know how many times you've wanted to believe, did believe and was let down by your AH's manipulation!!!!!
You probably feel crummy because there's a part of you that still believes there's hope.
I'm feeling crummy and sad after asking my AB to not call me anymore. My heart of heart knows that no matter how much hope I may still have he has proven over and over again he's not capable of turning his life around. Maybe that's part of what you're feeling. If he really means it this time he'll follow through no matter if you remain married or divorced. Please....have the faith in yourself that you've done all you can do in this relationship. Live your life. Discover who you really are. And aren't we all worthy of being in healthy relationships?
God Bless.
Alphawoman
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Thank you all so much for your replies. I guess the part that made my radar go up was when he asked me to go to couples counseling and I said I would prefer he start working on him, and then someday maybe. He said he was doing this for us, not just for him.
The truth of the matter is, I have changed and grown, and I don't know if I love him anymore. My love was based on some sick beliefs, and those are no longer part of who I am. I know I can't change him and I NEVER would have filed for a divorce to do that. I simply could not go on living the way I have been living, and when the infidelity occurred it was the last straw.
I am happy he went to the meeting. I hope some seeds are planted there that allow him to see the possibility that he is an alcoholic and that there is so much more to life. I'm just not sure that whatever the outcome, it is a life I can share with him.
The truth of the matter is, I have changed and grown, and I don't know if I love him anymore. My love was based on some sick beliefs, and those are no longer part of who I am. I know I can't change him and I NEVER would have filed for a divorce to do that. I simply could not go on living the way I have been living, and when the infidelity occurred it was the last straw.
I am happy he went to the meeting. I hope some seeds are planted there that allow him to see the possibility that he is an alcoholic and that there is so much more to life. I'm just not sure that whatever the outcome, it is a life I can share with him.
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Originally Posted by blessed4x
The truth of the matter is, I have changed and grown, and I don't know if I love him anymore. My love was based on some sick beliefs, and those are no longer part of who I am. I know I can't change him and I NEVER would have filed for a divorce to do that. I simply could not go on living the way I have been living, and when the infidelity occurred it was the last straw.
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blessed, you are an amazing woman, and I'm glad you see through this desperate move.
This is the man who got plastered as soon as he realized his sobriety act wasn't getting him anywhere any more. The man who treated you so badly for so long, it's part of his wiring. The man who slept with another woman in your bed while you were out of town with your children.
You've made this decision to file because you know, very clearly, WHO HE IS. These little bandaids he's suggesting (those teeny pinky finger bandaids) don't change WHO HE IS.
Hugs to you to stay strong and give yourself a little credit for having given him a thousand chances over many years. If he can stay sober for a few years and completely change WHO HE IS, well, lots of people remarry.
This is the man who got plastered as soon as he realized his sobriety act wasn't getting him anywhere any more. The man who treated you so badly for so long, it's part of his wiring. The man who slept with another woman in your bed while you were out of town with your children.
You've made this decision to file because you know, very clearly, WHO HE IS. These little bandaids he's suggesting (those teeny pinky finger bandaids) don't change WHO HE IS.
Hugs to you to stay strong and give yourself a little credit for having given him a thousand chances over many years. If he can stay sober for a few years and completely change WHO HE IS, well, lots of people remarry.
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Funny how once we start listening to our own gut, we are more resolved and determined and less vulnerable to manipulation. No one can predict the future, but as long as you keep walking the path that is best for you, you will be fine.
L
L
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Originally Posted by LaTeeDa
Funny how once we start listening to our own gut, we are more resolved and determined and less vulnerable to manipulation.
Rediscovering myself
Join Date: Aug 2008
Posts: 231
My husband did the same exact thing. Then, the moment I said just going to a meeting and going to counseling wasn't enough (he actually had to change some BEHAVIOR), Hyde appeared again. He's drinking again and he's not going to his meetings.
If it makes you feel better, most states have a waiting period (mine is 60 days). I told myself if I saw REAL change, I could stop the process within that waiting period. Needless to say, I've seen no changes.
If it makes you feel better, most states have a waiting period (mine is 60 days). I told myself if I saw REAL change, I could stop the process within that waiting period. Needless to say, I've seen no changes.
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Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: New York, NY
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Originally Posted by blessed4x
Amazing how different things can look in 2 short months!
Imagine how different things will look in 6 months. In a year. In two years.
What will be different, new, exciting, free about you?!
Good luck!!
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That 'nothing changes if nothing changes' thing is a hard one.
I see the whole 'working' on it like you are doing a jigsaw puzzle together and it forces you to look at the whole picture, not just your part in getting it together. You can spend all your time getting the edge of the jigsaw right but if someone is coming in and randomly attaching indiscriminate pieces it is never ever going to look how it does on the box.
The saddest thing is when you want to sit down with them and do the puzzle and they really have no interest: they are just willing to slap any old pieces anywhere or they refuse to come to the table and take part.
Your only choice then is to do it alone. Actions do indeed speak louder than words. I think if you have said what you needed to say and started to follow it up with action then you can move on without the 'woulda, coulda, shoulda' even if they can't.
I see the whole 'working' on it like you are doing a jigsaw puzzle together and it forces you to look at the whole picture, not just your part in getting it together. You can spend all your time getting the edge of the jigsaw right but if someone is coming in and randomly attaching indiscriminate pieces it is never ever going to look how it does on the box.
The saddest thing is when you want to sit down with them and do the puzzle and they really have no interest: they are just willing to slap any old pieces anywhere or they refuse to come to the table and take part.
Your only choice then is to do it alone. Actions do indeed speak louder than words. I think if you have said what you needed to say and started to follow it up with action then you can move on without the 'woulda, coulda, shoulda' even if they can't.
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Originally Posted by blessed4x
Thank you all so much for your replies. I guess the part that made my radar go up was when he asked me to go to couples counseling and I said I would prefer he start working on him, and then someday maybe. He said he was doing this for us, not just for him.
The truth of the matter is, I have changed and grown, and I don't know if I love him anymore. My love was based on some sick beliefs, and those are no longer part of who I am. I know I can't change him and I NEVER would have filed for a divorce to do that. I simply could not go on living the way I have been living, and when the infidelity occurred it was the last straw.
I am happy he went to the meeting. I hope some seeds are planted there that allow him to see the possibility that he is an alcoholic and that there is so much more to life. I'm just not sure that whatever the outcome, it is a life I can share with him.
The truth of the matter is, I have changed and grown, and I don't know if I love him anymore. My love was based on some sick beliefs, and those are no longer part of who I am. I know I can't change him and I NEVER would have filed for a divorce to do that. I simply could not go on living the way I have been living, and when the infidelity occurred it was the last straw.
I am happy he went to the meeting. I hope some seeds are planted there that allow him to see the possibility that he is an alcoholic and that there is so much more to life. I'm just not sure that whatever the outcome, it is a life I can share with him.
That's the sort of response I get from my wife. She has promised to stop drinking, and (as far as I know) she has for about 2 weeks. But, she has stopped because I have required it, not because she believes she has to stay completely away from alcohol. She still thinks she could drink moderately.
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