is this an alcoholic?
 

I'm sorry if this seems like a very simple minded question. I always had one view of an alcoholic- one who was passed out drunk all the time and drank from sun up till sun down. However, I think my mother has a problem.

For as long as I can remember she has always had several large glasses of wine (at least 3 or 4) every single week night with dinner. On weekends she ups the ante by drinking either Martini's or scotch, sometimes both. She will have usually 2 martini's at a time then follow it up with 1 glass of wine or sometimes 1 scotch. When it's just straight scotch it is usually 2 or 3 because they put some water in it. She hardly ever gets falling down drunk (I only saw her fall once in my entire life) but she definitely gets to the point where she slurs her words. Now she calls me at home (drunk) and the next day cannot even remember talking to me. She never drinks during the day, always waits for 5 PM. My father has been with her forever, they have a great marriage, and he has never said a word. He does not drink a lot as he always drives, but he takes her out all the time! She has tons of friends, and is the life of the party without getting falling down drunk. We have a very large extended family and no one has ever said a thing about it, but they most likely do not know she drinks every night. I'm also sure they do not get the drunk phone calls I get at least twice a week. Once I said something to my father when I was a teenager and was read the riot act by him because I was being "disrespectful".

If she comes down to visit me (we live very far apart thank god) and I do not drink she makes passive aggressive comments about me never wanting to have a good time, then pressures me to drink even going so far as to pouring me a drink which then leads to more insults because I refuse to drink it. I hardly drink because watching her drink turns me off, and I have 2 little boys running around all the time. My husband only has one drink once in a blue moon. So according to her, we are "boring", which honestly we are not. We have great fun all the time.

If she is somewhere where there is no drinking going on she gets very annoyed and cannot have a good time and will leave early and go elsewhere. She actaully makes fun of people who have parties with no alcohol and thinks it's rude to not have alcohol for guests in case they want it- including children's birthday parties.

Can alcoholics only drink at night? Do they have the willpower to hold off during the day? She is now retired but held a full-time management position her entire life, never had a problem. Our home was always immaculate, and she was/is very well put together. You would never know anything was not perfect. Is this possible of someone who has a problem or am I jumping to conclusions? We do have a very strong family history of alcholism. My grandfather on her side never took a sip of alcohol his entire life because it was so rampant on that side.

Thank You.

Does it matter if she has the label of an alcoholic or not? You know it's a problem to you or you wouldn't be here asking about it. As it seems to be a problem to you, what will you do about it? for you?

My image of an alcoholic when I was growing up was also the "skid row bum." This kept me from understanding for a long time that my father was an alcoholic. Because he had a job. And friends. And my mother pretending everything was A-OK! It also kept me in a world of shame and denial. How could I tell anyone what was going on at home? Would they think my dad was a skid row bum? All very confusing for kid.

Unfortunately, alcoholism is a progressive disease, and all the people who you think don't know anything eventually know everything and they are either in denial or afraid to speak up or both!

Your mom's level of drinking and her behavior while drinking would be red flags for me - but I have lived with alcoholism all my life (have 3 alkie bros) and through AlAnon I have developed my own little kit of tools to help me keep my mental heath and not enable the alcoholics around me.

Can you try AlAnon? Or do you have a one-on-one counselor you could discuss this with?

One thing I found out was that the years of denial and shame and pent-up rage in my childhood had created some bad habits of mind in me -- AlAnon and therapy helped me straighten that out - regardless of whether people are actively alcoholic around me or not!

Welcome, and keep reading around the forum - this is a great site for info and support. You can only help you - your mother's choices are her own.

peace,
b

If an alcoholic was a person who lived on skid row and drank 24/7 there would not be over 400 meetings a week of AA in Beverly Hills, rofl.

Whether your mom is an alcoholic or not is something she will someday have to decide. However, it is quite obvious it is a problem for you so WELCOME TO SOBER RECOVERY. You have found a great place with folks who have been where you are now and who have moved on.

I am glad you found us, but sorry you had to . Look around, read the 'stickys' at the top of the forum and you will get some of your answers.

Love and hugs,

If you think it's a problem then it is a problem. Time to start looking out for yourself. Don't let her drinking adversely effect you and your family. If you are uncomfortable when your mother is drinking around you and your family tell her she can't drink while she's visiting. You'll soon find out if drinking is more important to her than visiting you and her grandchildren.