LongStrangeTrip

I have been planning a short overnight trip with a couple girlfriends and it's this weekend.

Here's my dilemma: My husband is having a bon voyage party at the house on Saturday for all of the people we are going on a cruise with next year. I know, WHY is he having a party NOW for a trip that isn't until next March...hmmm..I still don't know.
Anyway, the problem is this, my Mom cannot babysit and I have run out of options. I asked him today if he plans on drinking this weekend, with being in charge of the kids and all and he said he doesn't know. He is having out patient surgery on thursday and he said it all depends on how he feels.
I am now having second thoughts about this trip because I am afraid to leave the kids home with him if he's going to be doing nothing all day but drinking and partying.
The kids are 7 and 14.

This is when it really get's so hard for me to deal with. I am between a rock and a hard place and if I wasn't married to an A, I could probably count on my husband to have the party but be coherant enough to make sure the kids are not drowning in the pool or watching him act like an idiot.

Gabe

girls weekend away...but...every time I counted on my ex-A to be there for my kids, he screwed up. It took me a very long time to realize that leaving my kids with him was not leaving my kids with a responsible caretaker, whether he was their father/step-father or not. The best way I can explain this, is the way it was explained to me. Would you leave your kids with a babysitter if you knew that the babysitter was a substance abuser? I'm sorry that you don't have another alternative person to leave you kids with. I never did either, thus limiting my social life to that of a monk. But at least I knew my kids were with someone responsible.
Peace,
Gabe

LongStrangeTrip

Thank you Gabe. I knew the answer deep down. I can't trust him. End of subject, so unless my niece changes her mind and takes them for me, I guess I'll miss yet another trip away with my girls. The sad part is, I've done this to them several times and I'm afraid this may be my last invitation to get away.
Well, kids come first and that's that.
I guess I'll find alternate plans for the kids and I if this doesn't work out because I don't think I need to be here right now for this drinking fest.
The last time I got out of here when he was having one of his parties, I came home late and went straight to bed.
The next morning, I woke up and my yard looked like WWIII had hit. Half of my lawn furniture was destroyed. Trash everywhere and I got a phone call from someone telling me that my husband and his buddies had invited the teenage girls over from next door and were letting them drink.
BOY! That was a LOUD battle to say the least!LOL
I'm so glad I am getting on control of myself. Looking back now, it makes me shudder to think how I behaved.

sdp

You KNOW that he will drink. It would be too awful if you went with your friends, and something happened. Maybe take the kids to a hotel with a swimming pool for the night?? Have and "mommy and kids night"??

ariesgirl

I think you are making the right decision, Long...in March, I had to go away for a week on business and had no choice but to leave the kids with my husband (I would have lost my job had I not gone on the trip). I begged and pleaded with him not to drink and he swore up and down that he would not. When I returned, my kids told me that there had been a party, which went on until daylight, during which they had been told to stay in my office (I have a home office) and not come out, they were afraid, and someone at the party had urinated all over their bathroom floor so they couldn't even walk in there. They told me that they slept on my office floor (no pillows, no blankets) and the littlest one wouldn't stop crying. I felt terrible. My job rarely required travel, but I was afraid to EVER have to travel again given the state my children found themselves in, so I found a different job, one that will not ever require travel and one that allows me to work more flexible hours (took a huge pay cut, though). The fact is, I just had to change my life because my kids come first and I am the only parent they can really count on. By the way, hubby denies that this party ever happened despite the fact that all three children told the same story, right down to naming everyone who was there (sadly, they are familiar with his drinking buddies).

LongStrangeTrip

Well, sad to say but I just e-mailed my friends and told them I wasn't going. I suppose this may be the last get away that I ever get invited on but I guess that's the choice I made when I married an A.
I am doing my best not to feel sorry for myself and to see the opportunity to spend some quality time with the kids but I guess I just really needed to be away from him this weekend.
Well, life on life's terms as they say.
Sadly, niether of my friends deserve to get this ripple effect because of my life with AH. I don't really think anyone can understand unless they've been here, how crippling it can all be to your social life, esspecially if you have young children at home.
It's very hard not to have a spouse you can count on to be your partner and to be able to trust them not to drink.
Well, that's how it is for now and I will deal with it and keep going.
Thanks for all of your input.

ariesgirl

I hope your friends will understand; when you have young children, whether or not your spouse is capable of watching them, sometimes you just aren't as free to travel alone. I think people understand that, whether or not they are aware/understanding of the fact that being married to an alcoholic makes this all the more difficult. Since I'm not able to go out with my friends, I have started hosting brunches at my house and have just organized a movie/game night with my friends and their kids. It helps, I think, to have some form of a social life, even if it's not exactly what you want, or what other people have. Hang in there!

LongStrangeTrip

Well, the husband is now pushing for me to go on this trip, saying he is going to call my mom tomorrow and explain to her how important this is to me and blah blah blah.
OK, so why can't I see a pure intention in all of this?
Could it be because of his past actions??? Yeah, you could say that.
His exact words were..."You'll just be totally miserable with all of these people here partying all night long!"
HMMMMM...I guess he thinks that I would still be HERE if I don't go with my friends.
So, I said, "No, I'll find something else for the kids and I to do."
He said, "Well, you know, they are all gonna be here late into the night."
I said to myself this time, "So. I live here. I can come home and go to bed anytime I want. I don't have to even aknowledge them."
Only problem is now, I've told the kids I'm not going, so they are expecting me to spend time with them and I'm not letting them down.
I guess that's that.

sdp

See my post above!!! Go to a hotel with a pool!!!I've done that, and it's a lot of fun!!!

LongStrangeTrip

Well..tomorrow is AH big party.
He confessed to me tonight, quite by accident that he wished I was going on the trip with my friends because as he so perfectly put it.."I don't want you blaming me for this!!!!"
I assured him, this was MY choice NOT his and that blame was no longer in my vocabulary.
He added..."Well, there's going to be drinking and all that so consider yourself warned."
HELLO??? Like I didn't know that???LOL He has NEVER had a party here without alcohol...LOL
I guess it's true that they really are oblivious at times for their actions and behaviors. It's too bad though that I will no longer be reminding him.

LongStrangeTrip

Well, the party is still going on, as it has been most of the day.
My son wasn't feeling well so my plan to escape the festivities fell through.
My stress level right now is so high that my face is on fire.
I've been in the house all day, listening to the hooplah and putting on my smiling face for all of his guests as they go to and .
Yeah, to spite the sugery he had just 3 days ago, he's drinking and yucking it up and making me sick.
Coming in from time to time with his token "I love yous" and "Can I have a kiss???" BLECH!!!!!!!!!

God give me strength...

Daffodil

Sending you love and prayes from one who cares...

Suggestion; Can you play some of "your" music in your bedroom?...or can you watch tv with your kids in your room....?

That's the best I can do right now...I've never been in that situation but I do want you to know I am thinking of you and praying for you as well.

LongStrangeTrip

Thank you. I am just trying to maintain right now and asked him to please not come near me until at least tomorrow.
Nomatter where I go in the house I can hear them carrying on and the loud music. I imagine someone may get sick of this and call the police before the night is through.

Several times this evening I have heard the word DIVORCE in my head. Once I heard it louder than the other times, when I looked out the front door and here he is with his best friend's wife (who is drunk off her ass) in a bikini no less, being all sweet and "consoling" to her walking up the street in the dark. I didn't say a word, I just shut the door and came in.

I hope I have a tongue left by tomorrow for I fear I may bite the damn thing off before the night is through.

Daffodil

LST,

By keeping your mouth shut....It becomes their/his behavior....You can do for 12 hours what would appall you to do for the rest of your life....

It's called putting the ball back on their side of the court...You can decide what you need to do about the whole situlation later when you have had time to think...

Blessings....

sdp

Hopefully, you and your kids are asleep by now. and let him do the cleaning up!!! Go to the movies tomorrow!!!!

LongStrangeTrip

The kids are getting ready and we are heading out for the day. My son feels better and we are going out to finish up school shopping. AH and one of his buddies have been cleaning up from the party. I AM NOT TOUCHING ONE THING AROUND HERE TODAY!!! WOOHOO!!!!

It DOES feel good to just IGNORE it and walk on.
I was fortunate enough last night to talk to a dear friend who is now divorced from her AH and she was so wonderful and let me vent and I was able to fall asleep with a relaxed clear mind. GOD BLESS HER!!!

Today is a new day and I will be fine.

Thank you all so much for your understanding and strength, when I can't find my own.

ml22

longtrip I'm with you. keep your focus.