Ok...I did it.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 125
Ok...I did it.
Hi Everyone,
Well...I put an X in front of ABF.
I did it.
(Sigh of reserved relief. He is on the lease and has until the end of the month to move out.)
I feel no relief. I feel numb. Like the thoughts that led to this were implanted to replace the real ones.
The "real ones" were based on an illusion that I created between college and 2 years ago - 18 years worth of building him up into a masterpiece, that he could never reach, even without the addiciton.
The implanted ones are the reality of the situation when dealing with an A. He will binge and never leave if I wait any longer.
He binged Mon-Wed while I was out of town visiting a family member in the hospital. I came home and he was passed out drunk. I told him he had a week to leave. My acquaintances and friends who have personally dealt with A's told me to throw him out asap. He's been a "survivor" and the break up has to be fast and unexpected. Otherwise, he'll binge and poison himself (as he's done before we got together) in my apartment. Ok, they convinced me, but I found out Friday that he's officially on the lease (I thought he was an "occupant", so I signed it; turns out he's a lease holder - they have the forms we filled out to prove it), and legally, the building can let him in (for a fee), if I take away his key. Thankfully my lease ends at the end of this month.
He remembered when I told him, while he was drunk, that he had to get out in a week. He said he didn't know when he could make that happen for me. Huh? (Maybe they were right...he'd never leave.)
After a few minutes, he rushed into the room and asked if I was not renewing the lease with him, or not renewing it at all. (Indicator #2 - his concern that I was physically leaving. He couldn't "never leave" if I'm not in the apartment.)
I told him I was not renewing at all and am moving.
He said a decent person would have given him 45 days notice. He thinks I planned this out earlier. I had to be talked into getting out by concerned friends and it just sunk in on Friday. I get no credit from him for trying to do things right (aka: protect him). (Someone told me that he'd call me names and be mean. That's MeanComment #1)
He said I am vindictive. (MeanComment #2. I have been loving and caring this entire time living in the Twilight Zone. I told him last year when he disappeared for 4 days on a binge. He has to go to therapy and binging can't be an option. He stopped therapy in Nov, and he's been smelling like "Nyquil" [or whatever alcoholic substance it is] every day.)
He said I belittle him and berate him, and call him names. (That's not so. MeanComment #3. I've never called names - not even when in grammar school. I don't berate him and belittle anyone: Do unto others as you would have them do unto you. Apparently, he perceives anything that comes from me as berating and belittling. Shows lack of self confidence/esteem.)
I asked him to tell me when I called him names. He said, it'll be in "the letter". I've been hearing about this letter for two weeks now. I guess it'll now include fabrications.
I'm going to review the notes I'd written over the past few months when I felt bad about "us". I got the chance to see what I was really saying, and then I'd ask myself the questions a therapist would ask. From reading relationship books, I started looking at myself...asking "Why am I tolerating this behavior? I can't control him, but I can determine who gets to be in my life." The best part was when I realized that I'd inadvertently bonded with the illusion, so he was my mysterious, secret other half; how ever in the world would I let him go now!?
I am not going to call anyone and affect any Easter dinners. Let them enjoy their families.
I'll sit quietly and cry. Cry for the illusion I created, that could not ever be in the first place. Cry for me for having created this illusion. Cry for me because I am confused and I believe (and want to believe) that he's broken because he's lost the love of his life. Cry for me because there's a good chance that he's broken because his enabler has given him 18-days notice to find someone else to use. Cry because he may hit rock bottom and not come up. Cry because I'll be here for the next 18 days wondering if he's going to poison himself. Cry because he may not even care. Cry because...I only have 18 days left and I can begin again, without my secret mysterious other half. Just me - as a whole.
Well, Easter Day is a day of renewal and rejoice and new life. My HP will carry me through this safely and calmly. I have leverage: My new apartment is going to be more expensive and bigger. Even if the XABF (can I call him that yet, or do I have to wait until he's out of the apartment?) puts me in a trance, he won't deserve to live with me in this new place - I'm not rewarding his inappropriate, insulting, degrading behavior with a bigger and better place to live! That's when principle kicks in over heart-felt feelings. I got the place to get physically out, so he couldn't live off of me anymore, and there's no way I'll give in AND reward him. There was the risk if I stayed here, or if I got a cheaper place. But bigger and better? No way. Money is money, and struggle is struggle. He's used me long enough.
Anyway, hugs, positive thoughts, positive energy, well wishes and words of encouragement would be very much appreciated. This will be a long 18 days and I'll use all my strength to keep in mind that I am not responsible for his well being, I did not save him and cannot save him, and I am not the love of his life: his actions spoke louder than his words! 2 more things: this may help him since I won't be supporting him so he can spend his money on whatever he spends it on, and, more importantly,
I've chosen my happiness over a relationship!
Thank you,
Finally Ready!
P.S. I stopped sniffing his clothes about a month ago. When this is all over, I'll be wondering what the heck I was thinking. Well, I know what I was thinking - I was thinking about the illusion I created. Not the man who stood before me.
Well...I put an X in front of ABF.
I did it.
(Sigh of reserved relief. He is on the lease and has until the end of the month to move out.)
I feel no relief. I feel numb. Like the thoughts that led to this were implanted to replace the real ones.
The "real ones" were based on an illusion that I created between college and 2 years ago - 18 years worth of building him up into a masterpiece, that he could never reach, even without the addiciton.
The implanted ones are the reality of the situation when dealing with an A. He will binge and never leave if I wait any longer.
He binged Mon-Wed while I was out of town visiting a family member in the hospital. I came home and he was passed out drunk. I told him he had a week to leave. My acquaintances and friends who have personally dealt with A's told me to throw him out asap. He's been a "survivor" and the break up has to be fast and unexpected. Otherwise, he'll binge and poison himself (as he's done before we got together) in my apartment. Ok, they convinced me, but I found out Friday that he's officially on the lease (I thought he was an "occupant", so I signed it; turns out he's a lease holder - they have the forms we filled out to prove it), and legally, the building can let him in (for a fee), if I take away his key. Thankfully my lease ends at the end of this month.
He remembered when I told him, while he was drunk, that he had to get out in a week. He said he didn't know when he could make that happen for me. Huh? (Maybe they were right...he'd never leave.)
After a few minutes, he rushed into the room and asked if I was not renewing the lease with him, or not renewing it at all. (Indicator #2 - his concern that I was physically leaving. He couldn't "never leave" if I'm not in the apartment.)
I told him I was not renewing at all and am moving.
He said a decent person would have given him 45 days notice. He thinks I planned this out earlier. I had to be talked into getting out by concerned friends and it just sunk in on Friday. I get no credit from him for trying to do things right (aka: protect him). (Someone told me that he'd call me names and be mean. That's MeanComment #1)
He said I am vindictive. (MeanComment #2. I have been loving and caring this entire time living in the Twilight Zone. I told him last year when he disappeared for 4 days on a binge. He has to go to therapy and binging can't be an option. He stopped therapy in Nov, and he's been smelling like "Nyquil" [or whatever alcoholic substance it is] every day.)
He said I belittle him and berate him, and call him names. (That's not so. MeanComment #3. I've never called names - not even when in grammar school. I don't berate him and belittle anyone: Do unto others as you would have them do unto you. Apparently, he perceives anything that comes from me as berating and belittling. Shows lack of self confidence/esteem.)
I asked him to tell me when I called him names. He said, it'll be in "the letter". I've been hearing about this letter for two weeks now. I guess it'll now include fabrications.
I'm going to review the notes I'd written over the past few months when I felt bad about "us". I got the chance to see what I was really saying, and then I'd ask myself the questions a therapist would ask. From reading relationship books, I started looking at myself...asking "Why am I tolerating this behavior? I can't control him, but I can determine who gets to be in my life." The best part was when I realized that I'd inadvertently bonded with the illusion, so he was my mysterious, secret other half; how ever in the world would I let him go now!?
I am not going to call anyone and affect any Easter dinners. Let them enjoy their families.
I'll sit quietly and cry. Cry for the illusion I created, that could not ever be in the first place. Cry for me for having created this illusion. Cry for me because I am confused and I believe (and want to believe) that he's broken because he's lost the love of his life. Cry for me because there's a good chance that he's broken because his enabler has given him 18-days notice to find someone else to use. Cry because he may hit rock bottom and not come up. Cry because I'll be here for the next 18 days wondering if he's going to poison himself. Cry because he may not even care. Cry because...I only have 18 days left and I can begin again, without my secret mysterious other half. Just me - as a whole.
Well, Easter Day is a day of renewal and rejoice and new life. My HP will carry me through this safely and calmly. I have leverage: My new apartment is going to be more expensive and bigger. Even if the XABF (can I call him that yet, or do I have to wait until he's out of the apartment?) puts me in a trance, he won't deserve to live with me in this new place - I'm not rewarding his inappropriate, insulting, degrading behavior with a bigger and better place to live! That's when principle kicks in over heart-felt feelings. I got the place to get physically out, so he couldn't live off of me anymore, and there's no way I'll give in AND reward him. There was the risk if I stayed here, or if I got a cheaper place. But bigger and better? No way. Money is money, and struggle is struggle. He's used me long enough.
Anyway, hugs, positive thoughts, positive energy, well wishes and words of encouragement would be very much appreciated. This will be a long 18 days and I'll use all my strength to keep in mind that I am not responsible for his well being, I did not save him and cannot save him, and I am not the love of his life: his actions spoke louder than his words! 2 more things: this may help him since I won't be supporting him so he can spend his money on whatever he spends it on, and, more importantly,
I've chosen my happiness over a relationship!
Thank you,
Finally Ready!
P.S. I stopped sniffing his clothes about a month ago. When this is all over, I'll be wondering what the heck I was thinking. Well, I know what I was thinking - I was thinking about the illusion I created. Not the man who stood before me.
Last edited by ReadyToHelp; 04-12-2009 at 01:11 PM. Reason: correction
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
ReadytoHelp, sending you hugs today to get through this. I am happy and proud that you've chosen yourself over your illusions, because I know how huge the rewards will be for you.
But I know the next couple of weeks might be very hard. I'd encourage you to get all the local, face-to-face support you can pack into your life: family, friends, individual counseling, Al-Anon meetings, anything and everything that will remind you, several times a day, that you are doing the right thing.
This relationship is like a cancer that needs to be removed. It will hurt for a while, but after that you will heal, and you will be stronger. And of course if you do NOT remove it, it will kill you.
And of course we'll be here too
Sending you big hugs and beaming at you with admiration -- doing the right thing is hard, but your new path will be brilliant.
But I know the next couple of weeks might be very hard. I'd encourage you to get all the local, face-to-face support you can pack into your life: family, friends, individual counseling, Al-Anon meetings, anything and everything that will remind you, several times a day, that you are doing the right thing.
This relationship is like a cancer that needs to be removed. It will hurt for a while, but after that you will heal, and you will be stronger. And of course if you do NOT remove it, it will kill you.
And of course we'll be here too
Sending you big hugs and beaming at you with admiration -- doing the right thing is hard, but your new path will be brilliant. Member
Join Date: Dec 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 286
Originally Posted by ReadyToHelp 
......., hugs, positive thoughts, positive energy, well wishes and words of encouragement would be very much appreciated. This will be a long 18 days and I'll use all my strength to keep in mind that I am not responsible for his well being, I did not save him and cannot save him, and I am not the love of his life: his actions spoke louder than his words! 2 more things: this may help him since I won't be supporting him so he can spend his money on whatever he spends it on, and, more importantly,
I've chosen my happiness over a relationship!
I've chosen my happiness over a relationship!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 125
Thank you for the hugs. I really need them.
GiveLove, thank you for the great idea. I do need to arm myself with more protection against "relapse" - face to face help would be good. I'm afraid I'll just cry when I am around other people. I cried at just the thought of going to Al-Anon, to church and to (oh no!!) work tomorrow!
Tallulah, thank you for the reminder. I forgave myself a month ago, but I'd better re-read that declaration, and I'll keep forgiveness in mind during the next month. I'm sure he'll pull his blame routine at some point, and pour it on real thick. I hate it that I've got to do this.
Ready4, I thought your post was from me and wondered why I responded to my own post! LOL. I love self-help stuff and I've analyzed myself so much over the past 6-8 months. I used to use "dream" but "illusion" is more appropriate. I know I can do it. What I want doesn't exist. And wanting to help him - well, the "how" feels unnatural, but we're dealing with unnatural problems.
He text'd me from work saying he'll miss me. I'll be asleep when he gets home, but I'm sure I won't be able to sleep. This is going to be tough. He's going to play on my heart. I'll be strong and visit this board often!
Thank you.
GiveLove, thank you for the great idea. I do need to arm myself with more protection against "relapse" - face to face help would be good. I'm afraid I'll just cry when I am around other people. I cried at just the thought of going to Al-Anon, to church and to (oh no!!) work tomorrow!
Tallulah, thank you for the reminder. I forgave myself a month ago, but I'd better re-read that declaration, and I'll keep forgiveness in mind during the next month. I'm sure he'll pull his blame routine at some point, and pour it on real thick. I hate it that I've got to do this.
Ready4, I thought your post was from me and wondered why I responded to my own post! LOL. I love self-help stuff and I've analyzed myself so much over the past 6-8 months. I used to use "dream" but "illusion" is more appropriate. I know I can do it. What I want doesn't exist. And wanting to help him - well, the "how" feels unnatural, but we're dealing with unnatural problems.
He text'd me from work saying he'll miss me. I'll be asleep when he gets home, but I'm sure I won't be able to sleep. This is going to be tough. He's going to play on my heart. I'll be strong and visit this board often!
Thank you.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
