What it's like to live with an alcoholic.
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What it's like to live with an alcoholic.
Life with an alcoholic partner sucks.Anyone who wants to know weather or not they should carry on dating that person with a (or maybe a ) drink problem needs to get as far away from that person as they can. Thats a bit harsh you might be thinking, well from my experience of being with an alcoholic partner some days i have felt that fed up and alone that i have missed my ex husband and thats a scary thought because he used to beat me and thats why i left him. But what im trying to say is i'm 31 and i feel desperate for a bit of attention ,love anything. My partner is 41 and yet i feel like his mother,(who died 7 years ago of renal failure due to alcohol) i do everything deal with the money, house ,kids on my own he says he is trying to stay sober another day ,as he walks around in his own little world, its even got to the point now that if we have a row he walks to the nearest shop for vodka. It feels like constant emotional blackmail and it always comes back to that same old thing DRINK.They will lie to you on a regular basis , make really bad decisions , cheat on you , spend all your money when theve spent theirs , lose their jobs , get in debt , get arrested, not come home, get deppresion, embarrass you in front of your family, they will even lose control of they bodily functions yes i mean i have been weeed on several times and worse of all they stop washing and keeping themselves clean, it is a nightmare.Plus you can forget about sex i may as well join a convent , that goes out of the window too , not that you feel like it anyway half the time its hard to fancy someone after all this! Its the love i miss and the security and just having someone there to make you smile, forget it there are no laughs when you live with an alcoholic just an emptyness and hurt and guilt because at the end of it you know that they have a disease and that no matter what you do or anyone else does they will never be cured from it.
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Location: Stumbling toward happiness
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Sorry you find yourself in this situation, angelcake.
A lot of us here know just how bad that can be
Have you ever thought that life without him would be better than life WITH him? For both you and your kids?
A lot of us here know just how bad that can be
Have you ever thought that life without him would be better than life WITH him? For both you and your kids?
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I ask myself that all the time, i know i love him , im not in love if that makes sense, because i feel a sense of responsabiliy , because im scared for him ,because i feel like i will of wasted 7 years of my life .
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Originally Posted by angelcake 
i do everything deal with the money, house ,kids on my own
What are the kids learning in this environment?
I hope you continue to post! :ghug
Being Silent so I can Hear
Join Date: Nov 2008
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Originally Posted by angelcake
I ask myself that all the time, i know i love him , im not in love if that makes sense, because i feel a sense of responsabiliy , because im scared for him ,because i feel like i will of wasted 7 years of my life .
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Today is just a bad day, tomorrow will be a new one , i just want people to understand that once youve been in a relationship for a long time its really hard to end it just like that and that even if alcoholics do get help there is no magic cure it is a really long process and it drains you. Every day is about them and just when you think that theve got better it creeps back again with a vengence.And there really is nothing you can do about it.
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Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Boston
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And there really is nothing you can do about it.
I beg to differ!
there is a whole lot you can do.
But you can only do it for yourself and for your mental health!!
You can't get him to stop drinking.
You didn't cause it.
You can't control it.
You can't cure it!
The kids are learning hopefully never to trust drink it has made there step dad mad, and ill and that alcohol is a drug that can make you addicted to it.
Sadly, angelcake, they are probably learning much much more than that - the things you describe them learning are all "positive' like you think what they are witnessing will make them see the dangers of alcoholism. But kids are like sponges and are learning everything about how to become am adult, about what adult relationships are like, about how partners teeat each other: what they tolerate and how they deal with problems, strife and, in your family's case, addiction.
I learned a boatload of unhealthy stuff from growing up with an alcohilic father. And all the ugliness did not prevent my 3 brothers from becoming alcoholics themselves.....so what were we learning?
I don't know about my bros but I learned that my family was differeent and that we weren't allowed to talk about it neither at home nor certainly out in public!! So I learned to be ashamed of the truth.
I learned that my mother would martyr herself before she would accept reality and that her pent up rage (which was often aimed at me - or any one of us kids) was a weapon she used to maintain her sense of control.
I learned that my mother would rather pretend everything was OK than protect her own innocent children from the harsh damage of their father's alcoholic behavior. I learned first hand about DENIAL.
I could go on and on!!
I've unlearned alot of the worst stuff that was instilled in me growing up...but it has been a long struggle....I wish I knew about AlAteen/Alanon when I was growing up so I would have felt less ashamed, less alone, less enraged, and maybe I could have understood my mother better and developed an authentic relationship with her and not resented so much what she allowed us to experience as kids....
I'm glad you're here - and your post sounded like you were ticked off and having a bad day -- if your spouse is an active alcoholic you know this won't be the last - but you can make things better - have you ever tried AlAnon or some one-on-one therapy?
Both those things helped me straighten my sh*t out a lot!!
stick around - keep posting and reading!! ((((hugs))))
peace-
b
I beg to differ!
there is a whole lot you can do.
But you can only do it for yourself and for your mental health!!
You can't get him to stop drinking.
You didn't cause it.
You can't control it.
You can't cure it!
The kids are learning hopefully never to trust drink it has made there step dad mad, and ill and that alcohol is a drug that can make you addicted to it.
Sadly, angelcake, they are probably learning much much more than that - the things you describe them learning are all "positive' like you think what they are witnessing will make them see the dangers of alcoholism. But kids are like sponges and are learning everything about how to become am adult, about what adult relationships are like, about how partners teeat each other: what they tolerate and how they deal with problems, strife and, in your family's case, addiction.
I learned a boatload of unhealthy stuff from growing up with an alcohilic father. And all the ugliness did not prevent my 3 brothers from becoming alcoholics themselves.....so what were we learning?
I don't know about my bros but I learned that my family was differeent and that we weren't allowed to talk about it neither at home nor certainly out in public!! So I learned to be ashamed of the truth.
I learned that my mother would martyr herself before she would accept reality and that her pent up rage (which was often aimed at me - or any one of us kids) was a weapon she used to maintain her sense of control.
I learned that my mother would rather pretend everything was OK than protect her own innocent children from the harsh damage of their father's alcoholic behavior. I learned first hand about DENIAL.
I could go on and on!!
I've unlearned alot of the worst stuff that was instilled in me growing up...but it has been a long struggle....I wish I knew about AlAteen/Alanon when I was growing up so I would have felt less ashamed, less alone, less enraged, and maybe I could have understood my mother better and developed an authentic relationship with her and not resented so much what she allowed us to experience as kids....
I'm glad you're here - and your post sounded like you were ticked off and having a bad day -- if your spouse is an active alcoholic you know this won't be the last - but you can make things better - have you ever tried AlAnon or some one-on-one therapy?
Both those things helped me straighten my sh*t out a lot!!
stick around - keep posting and reading!! ((((hugs))))
peace-
b
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Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: At the top of my mountain.
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Thank you for this post, angelcake--it really rang true for me. I recently ended things with an alcoholic boyfriend (for GOOD this time--am even moving across the country to start a new life by myself), and sometimes I catch myself missing him a bit. The stark realities outlined in your post ( most of which were also my realities--especially the feeling like his mother part) quickly snapped me out of my nostalgic little mood---and helped me remember the truth of how bleak it truly was.
You deserve so much more for yourself. We all do. Sending you strength.....
You deserve so much more for yourself. We all do. Sending you strength.....
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Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: British Columbia, Canada
Posts: 92
"i feel like i will of wasted 7 years of my life ."
Just a word of caution...... I was also saying that at the 7 year mark about not wanting to leave and I totally get it. You have invested all that time and you want it to turn out right so that it hasn't all been a waste and you don't have to start all over again. But...... and it's a big but.... you could do what I did which is hang in and keep trying and give it all you have and more and then he leaves and it's been 16 years like I invested. Time goes by so quickly and so does your life.
As for the kids, can I tell you that I was the product of a family like that. My parents stayed together "for the sake of the kids." All that got me was years of having to go to a psychiatrist to try and learn that it wasn't my fault that Mom & Dad didn't get along. It was something called alcohol. It totally messed me up with relationships because my role model was a mother who took so much abuse....physical, emotional, verbal that I lost respect for her and I hated him for many years untll I made peace with both of them and realized it was neither of their fault - it was alcohol. I didn't learn that it was addictive and a bad thing. I learned that it can be used to take pain away when you're not happy. My brother really didn't learn it because I'd say he's very close to being an alcoholic himself and my sister has had her own addiction problems with drugs.
So don't think you are doing your children any favors. Sorry to sound so harsh but I just wanted to share my experience. It is very hard to leave, I separated almost a year go and it still hurts at times. But then we didn't have children, thank goodness because I know they would be messed up and I'd be more stressed out than I was from trying to protect them all the time from their father.
If you make the move, there are so many support systems out there to help you. If I can do it, anyone can because I don't do break-ups well at all but I'm still alive and life is alot more peaceful.
Sending you lots of hugs and strength to do what you need to do.
Just a word of caution...... I was also saying that at the 7 year mark about not wanting to leave and I totally get it. You have invested all that time and you want it to turn out right so that it hasn't all been a waste and you don't have to start all over again. But...... and it's a big but.... you could do what I did which is hang in and keep trying and give it all you have and more and then he leaves and it's been 16 years like I invested. Time goes by so quickly and so does your life.
As for the kids, can I tell you that I was the product of a family like that. My parents stayed together "for the sake of the kids." All that got me was years of having to go to a psychiatrist to try and learn that it wasn't my fault that Mom & Dad didn't get along. It was something called alcohol. It totally messed me up with relationships because my role model was a mother who took so much abuse....physical, emotional, verbal that I lost respect for her and I hated him for many years untll I made peace with both of them and realized it was neither of their fault - it was alcohol. I didn't learn that it was addictive and a bad thing. I learned that it can be used to take pain away when you're not happy. My brother really didn't learn it because I'd say he's very close to being an alcoholic himself and my sister has had her own addiction problems with drugs.
So don't think you are doing your children any favors. Sorry to sound so harsh but I just wanted to share my experience. It is very hard to leave, I separated almost a year go and it still hurts at times. But then we didn't have children, thank goodness because I know they would be messed up and I'd be more stressed out than I was from trying to protect them all the time from their father.
If you make the move, there are so many support systems out there to help you. If I can do it, anyone can because I don't do break-ups well at all but I'm still alive and life is alot more peaceful.
Sending you lots of hugs and strength to do what you need to do.
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Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: The Swish Alps, SF CA
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You didn't waste seven years if you leave and have learned something and bring your children up in a healthy environment.
You may even end up learning something and start being able to be of service to other battered wives in similar situations.
If you stay and you make no changes I am going to have to agree with you however.
You may even end up learning something and start being able to be of service to other battered wives in similar situations.
If you stay and you make no changes I am going to have to agree with you however.
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Join Date: Apr 2009
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Hi i just read your post, firstly im listening to you ,i have thought alot about all of this ,my dad too was an alcoholic.Yes i understand what your saying about the feeling different, ashamed not beeing able to talk about it, but because of this i have not allowed this to happen to my kids .I am sad for you and your mum that your relationships suffered when you where little and that it did not make you closer, as it did for me and my siblings and has for me and my kids. I hear what you are saying about learned behaviours but thankfully my 2 siblings and i so far have never had a problem with drink, or maybe we have but the other way , none of us like it.! But then on the other hand my partner who is an alcoholic , his mum died of it 7 years ago and his brother also an alcoholic.I want to protect my children from all of this pain but the reality is life is not a fairytale and this is a very serious problem everywhere. I know alot of people with drink probems who all of them are lovely people when they are not drunk.Yes you where right about being ticked off yesterday , and the reason i wrote was because i read a couple of posts from people who had just got into relationships and i was warning them , so i painted the worst picture i could, before they got emotionally envolved its harder to cut the strings then. x
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Angel.
With all humilty, IMHO, you are in denial. I do not want to make you mad/defensive. Many of us have been there, really been there.
Do you want to stay with someone who is sick that you will have to "mother?" He will get worse and worse. The kids will see worse and worse. I beleive you when you say you talk with them and they are aware, but they are kids and their situation is different than your situation was.
I hope you make better choices than many here made. You and your kids deserve a full time sober partner/parent.
Miss
With all humilty, IMHO, you are in denial. I do not want to make you mad/defensive. Many of us have been there, really been there.
Do you want to stay with someone who is sick that you will have to "mother?" He will get worse and worse. The kids will see worse and worse. I beleive you when you say you talk with them and they are aware, but they are kids and their situation is different than your situation was.
I hope you make better choices than many here made. You and your kids deserve a full time sober partner/parent.
Miss
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Location: Boston
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but thankfully my 2 siblings and i so far have never had a problem with drink, or maybe we have but the other way , none of us like it.!
OK. But you have hitched yourself to an alcoholic! You could kind of classify that as "a problem with drink" couldn't you? So, again, what were you learning all those years?
And you came here posting your message as a warning to those about to enter into a relationship w/ an alcoholic - so what do you think your children are learning?
I mean it's great (and lucky) if they are learning not to abuse alcohol. But are they learning that adult relationships involve one partner who is an addict/alcoholic and one partner who tolerates it?
Have you stopped to self-examine and wonder why you've chosen an alcoholic for a partner and why you choose to stay?
You are free in this moment!
peace and (((hugs)))
b
OK. But you have hitched yourself to an alcoholic! You could kind of classify that as "a problem with drink" couldn't you? So, again, what were you learning all those years?
And you came here posting your message as a warning to those about to enter into a relationship w/ an alcoholic - so what do you think your children are learning?
I mean it's great (and lucky) if they are learning not to abuse alcohol. But are they learning that adult relationships involve one partner who is an addict/alcoholic and one partner who tolerates it?
Have you stopped to self-examine and wonder why you've chosen an alcoholic for a partner and why you choose to stay?
You are free in this moment!
peace and (((hugs)))
b
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Some stuff to think about i'm sure, but sometimes people can over analize things, and be quite judgemental without realising it. If you want some peace in your life its better to forgive and move on , and not everyones circumstances are the same . I beleive in fate and one day maybe i will be able to answer that question about why i ended up with an alcoholic partner and my dad was an alcoholic but one thing is sure i never went out looking for him or choose it as you put it ,he was my neighbour . And i choose to stay because i love him.
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Angel,
I completely agree with your sentiment about forgiving and moving on. I am in that phase right now, so I know it first hand.
One thing about this board that is great is that people give all sorts of expereince, strength, and hope. We have been in your shoes. Every situation is unique, BUT relationships with active alcoholics remain remarkably similar. There are certain characteristics and relationship dynamics that are true for alomost everyone here that is or was involved with an active A.
One of the great things about this board is that people are sharing from their experiences. Some of us wisht that we knew then what we know now kind of thing. When someone new posts and you see trends or themes with their writing, it becomes (for me) very relatable and you just want to offer different perspectives than they might consider. Not all of the comments are what we like ot hear or what we are ready to here. You get there when you get there. No one wants to rush you to any destintation. Your life is your life.
With this stated, you did choose to date, marry and remain with an alcoholic. We have all loved our A's. There would be no need to post, if we didn't and it was easy just to say "see ya." Most of us tried for years to help them and it was met without success. Ultimately it is their choice to drink, how to treat you how to treat others, but it is YOUR choice to stay in a relationship that isn't healthy for you or your kids.
Just my humble thoughts on the matter.
I hope that you continue to post.
Miss
I completely agree with your sentiment about forgiving and moving on. I am in that phase right now, so I know it first hand.
One thing about this board that is great is that people give all sorts of expereince, strength, and hope. We have been in your shoes. Every situation is unique, BUT relationships with active alcoholics remain remarkably similar. There are certain characteristics and relationship dynamics that are true for alomost everyone here that is or was involved with an active A.
One of the great things about this board is that people are sharing from their experiences. Some of us wisht that we knew then what we know now kind of thing. When someone new posts and you see trends or themes with their writing, it becomes (for me) very relatable and you just want to offer different perspectives than they might consider. Not all of the comments are what we like ot hear or what we are ready to here. You get there when you get there. No one wants to rush you to any destintation. Your life is your life.
With this stated, you did choose to date, marry and remain with an alcoholic. We have all loved our A's. There would be no need to post, if we didn't and it was easy just to say "see ya." Most of us tried for years to help them and it was met without success. Ultimately it is their choice to drink, how to treat you how to treat others, but it is YOUR choice to stay in a relationship that isn't healthy for you or your kids.
Just my humble thoughts on the matter.
I hope that you continue to post.
Miss
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Join Date: Feb 2009
Location: West Palm Beach, Fl
Posts: 142
Anglecake,
I too was married to an alcoholic for 23 years. He was a control freak. Telling me what to wear, what to say, how to look, constantly belittled, corrected and spoke down to me in front of others. My step-father was a controlling alcoholic. My father-in-law also. Now, I see unfortunately my son has an addiction problem (drugs). It is herediary. My ex-husband exhibited all the things your husband does. I loved my husband and did not want to divorce him, but his bad behavior was never going to change. It only got worse over the years and he was in denial that he had a problem. He has had so many DUIs that he has one of those things that you have to blow in to start your car. Now he blacks out. It never gets better unless they are committed to getting help. He has always maintained that "I can stop anytime" and I would agree with him..."yes, you can stop. you just can't stay stopped". He will never get help because he doesn't think he has a problem. When I divorced him it was like a weight being taken off my shoulders. I finally felt free for the first time in my life. Now my son has the problem and I just can't seem to get away from it. As much as it kills me, I have had to terminate my relationship with my son and tell him that as long as he chooses to use, he can not be in my life. It is tortuous for me, but better than the alternative. I wish you luck, but you need to be strong for your kids and get them away from it.
I too was married to an alcoholic for 23 years. He was a control freak. Telling me what to wear, what to say, how to look, constantly belittled, corrected and spoke down to me in front of others. My step-father was a controlling alcoholic. My father-in-law also. Now, I see unfortunately my son has an addiction problem (drugs). It is herediary. My ex-husband exhibited all the things your husband does. I loved my husband and did not want to divorce him, but his bad behavior was never going to change. It only got worse over the years and he was in denial that he had a problem. He has had so many DUIs that he has one of those things that you have to blow in to start your car. Now he blacks out. It never gets better unless they are committed to getting help. He has always maintained that "I can stop anytime" and I would agree with him..."yes, you can stop. you just can't stay stopped". He will never get help because he doesn't think he has a problem. When I divorced him it was like a weight being taken off my shoulders. I finally felt free for the first time in my life. Now my son has the problem and I just can't seem to get away from it. As much as it kills me, I have had to terminate my relationship with my son and tell him that as long as he chooses to use, he can not be in my life. It is tortuous for me, but better than the alternative. I wish you luck, but you need to be strong for your kids and get them away from it.
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