back in the uk...broke up with ABF
Belgian Sheepdog Adictee
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: In Today
Posts: 6,101
i don't want to testify because i feel he will sit in prison and daily get angrier and angrier and seek revenge in whatever way he can devise.
He is ABUSIVE. He has ABUSED you. You are NOT doing him any favors by not telling. Please get it out. You get out. If when he is finally free, file for a permanent restraining order to KEEP HIM AWAY FROM YOU.
You are playing with your own life here. This man has threatened you, abused you, and you want to protect him? Excuse me.
What he gets will be the CONSEQUENCES of his actions.
Sweetie, I know you are hurt and confused, but by being open with the police, you are doing this FOR YOU. You get all the abuse out to the proper authorities. You also have a record then, with the proper authorities, which will make it easier to get a restraining order against him.
Sending prayers for your well being across the pond.
Love and hugs,
Member
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: The Swish Alps, SF CA
Posts: 2,144
My take:
If you don't give testimony I see the reverse happening, he will get out while he is still angry, and you won't have gotten very far away, you will be easy to track down and "do harm" to while "the injustice" is still fresh in his mind.
If you give testimony the Police and The Court System will be able to do their job WHICH IS TO PROTECT YOU which you aren't allowing them to do at the moment.
If you give testimony, he will have time to take stock and really think about his actions, specifically which actions of his led him to being there. Also, if over there is anything like over here, there are programs he will automatically be enrolled in if he is convicted of domestic abuse/battery.
If you give testimony, you can get the protection you so desperately need, and quite frankly, he can get the help he so desperately needs.
If he has to spend some time "inside" I promise it will come to him that this is in direct action to his own actions. Take this from someone who seen his fair share of the inside of a jail cell. If I got out within 48 hours or so I was "unjustly held" and went straight to the Pub to knock a few back and regale everyone with a few new stories of the adventure that was my life.
The few times I had to actually spend some "real time" inside, it was impossible to "explain away" as somebody else's fault, and I had a great deal of time to think about what was it IN ME that got me landed in jail.
If you don't testify, you are placing yourself directly in harms way, and truthfully you aren't doing anyone a favor, including him.
There are times when "society" and "the court system" is actually a good and helpful thing, this is a lifelong "outlaw" type telling you this.
I know a number of men who have been "sent up" for spousal battery and the ones that actually do get caught, do the program, do the anger management classes etc. some of them "come out" good men, and actually help others, one just got his degree and now teaches the classes.
The ones that don't continue to batter other women, sometimes with permanent consequences.
Please think about the future, both your own, and the next woman he dates. Think about how you would feel if he harmed her and you had a chance to stop that cycle of abuse.
You aren't "the powerless one" here anymore, you have all of "society" backing you up.
Do the right thing, of course, only you can decide what that ultimately is, but please, for your sake, his sake, and his future GF's sake, please, do the right thing.
We are here for you.
If you don't give testimony I see the reverse happening, he will get out while he is still angry, and you won't have gotten very far away, you will be easy to track down and "do harm" to while "the injustice" is still fresh in his mind.
If you give testimony the Police and The Court System will be able to do their job WHICH IS TO PROTECT YOU which you aren't allowing them to do at the moment.
If you give testimony, he will have time to take stock and really think about his actions, specifically which actions of his led him to being there. Also, if over there is anything like over here, there are programs he will automatically be enrolled in if he is convicted of domestic abuse/battery.
If you give testimony, you can get the protection you so desperately need, and quite frankly, he can get the help he so desperately needs.
If he has to spend some time "inside" I promise it will come to him that this is in direct action to his own actions. Take this from someone who seen his fair share of the inside of a jail cell. If I got out within 48 hours or so I was "unjustly held" and went straight to the Pub to knock a few back and regale everyone with a few new stories of the adventure that was my life.
The few times I had to actually spend some "real time" inside, it was impossible to "explain away" as somebody else's fault, and I had a great deal of time to think about what was it IN ME that got me landed in jail.
If you don't testify, you are placing yourself directly in harms way, and truthfully you aren't doing anyone a favor, including him.
There are times when "society" and "the court system" is actually a good and helpful thing, this is a lifelong "outlaw" type telling you this.
I know a number of men who have been "sent up" for spousal battery and the ones that actually do get caught, do the program, do the anger management classes etc. some of them "come out" good men, and actually help others, one just got his degree and now teaches the classes.
The ones that don't continue to batter other women, sometimes with permanent consequences.
Please think about the future, both your own, and the next woman he dates. Think about how you would feel if he harmed her and you had a chance to stop that cycle of abuse.
You aren't "the powerless one" here anymore, you have all of "society" backing you up.
Do the right thing, of course, only you can decide what that ultimately is, but please, for your sake, his sake, and his future GF's sake, please, do the right thing.
We are here for you.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
Originally Posted by naive 
the officer said that with more information, they would be able to request a "reprimand" which means he would go up the road to prison (rather than the local jail here in town) and have to stay without bail until his courtdate, proabably 3 weeks. the officer said he recommends my testimony of previous violence because it buys me more time to get out if he is reprimanded.
Nobody here can make you protect yourself, but all are hoping you will. He is a dangerous man - for you and for others. Please keep this animal in a cage, for everyone's sake, for as long as you can.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2009
Location: London, UK
Posts: 927
The previous stuff will be background to their investigation. The fact he has been arrested.. whether that arrest leads to a charge.. and whether that charge leads to a conviction .. is out of your hands. I am not going to tell you to make a statement about his previous stuff.. that is for you.. but they are not completely stupid the Police and they will be well aware what happened that night… they see this stuff day in day out.
This has gone beyond a point where you can stop it or make it better. The thing to get him angry has already happened. He broke into your neighbours flat with a wooden bat and threatened you both.
He might leave you alone. But even from a cell he is getting messages to you. So it doesn’t look likely huh. After what has happened do you think you can have a serious talk with him without having a little distance and for you both to take stock.
I think leaving stuff at your neighbours would be a bad idea. Not least for your neighbour. The only reason you would leave stuff there is if you wanted to go back to where you lived.
This is going to be tough love (and I hope you know it comes from a good place)… but you have to make some decisions. What do you want to happen? Whatever that is do it in the safest way possible for YOU. Forget about him for a moment. He is a big boy and is more that able to take the consequences of his actions. What do YOU want to happen? Go for that... But you have to stop being naïve.. this is not going to get better just because he has spent a couple of nights in a Police cell. What has to happen before you understand this man is not healthy to be around right now (if ever) and you may be putting yourself in physical danger? Does it take 4 hours in an E.R… then another 3 hours in E.R… then 2 hours of microsurgery repairing you… then six weeks in a splint unable to wash your own hair etc… then another six weeks of physiotherapy learning to use your hand again… then a lifetime of looking at the scars he gave you?
What will it take…
This has gone beyond a point where you can stop it or make it better. The thing to get him angry has already happened. He broke into your neighbours flat with a wooden bat and threatened you both.
He might leave you alone. But even from a cell he is getting messages to you. So it doesn’t look likely huh. After what has happened do you think you can have a serious talk with him without having a little distance and for you both to take stock.
I think leaving stuff at your neighbours would be a bad idea. Not least for your neighbour. The only reason you would leave stuff there is if you wanted to go back to where you lived.
This is going to be tough love (and I hope you know it comes from a good place)… but you have to make some decisions. What do you want to happen? Whatever that is do it in the safest way possible for YOU. Forget about him for a moment. He is a big boy and is more that able to take the consequences of his actions. What do YOU want to happen? Go for that... But you have to stop being naïve.. this is not going to get better just because he has spent a couple of nights in a Police cell. What has to happen before you understand this man is not healthy to be around right now (if ever) and you may be putting yourself in physical danger? Does it take 4 hours in an E.R… then another 3 hours in E.R… then 2 hours of microsurgery repairing you… then six weeks in a splint unable to wash your own hair etc… then another six weeks of physiotherapy learning to use your hand again… then a lifetime of looking at the scars he gave you?
What will it take…
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: USA
Posts: 646
Originally Posted by naive
i just got off the phone with the police, who are pushing for more history and sending an officer over tonight to talk to me. the officer said that with more information, they would be able to request a "reprimand" which means he would go up the road to prison (rather than the local jail here in town) and have to stay without bail until his courtdate, proabably 3 weeks. the officer said he recommends my testimony of previous violence because it buys me more time to get out if he is reprimanded.
Have you ever heard the story of the drowning man who called to God to save him?
Alone and treading water in the middle of the sea, he was soon visited by a navy vessel. The crew offered help, but the man refused.
"God will save me!", he asserted, "I wait upon Him!"
Then, a cargo ship arrived, but the man refused again.
When a helicopter hovered above and lowered a rope, the man refused.
Later, the man drowned to death and was face to face with God Himself.
"Why didn't you save me, Lord?", asked the man.
"What? I sent two boats and a helicopter", replied God, "What more was I to do?"
Naive, do you think your HP is offering you some help?
A jug fills drop by drop
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
Hi naive, I just read the complete thread, and it made me remember the deception in my heart when he did not move a finger while I was looking for a new place, when he would shift the guilt of everything to me, when he advised ME to go seek help for myself - thanks to your thread I realized how lucky I was to be able to get out before more emotional damage or physical damage was done to me.
Fast forward 6 months and all my funny aches are gone (no more stress), I absolutely LOVE my new place and my freedom... just wanted to tell you that right now you are going through tough stuff, but it will get better.
I hope you get the strength to tell EVERYTHING to the police, or perhaps write it and hand them the papers if its too much to be able to talk about it.
Naive!! You are such a wonderful person. You deserve to live in peace and create a safe, nice place for yourself. You deserve good people around you. Life gets so much better after this. Trust that HP will be taking you by the hand all the way. I am glad this man will no longer be in your life. He is troubled and dangerous.
I agree as well with other posters that no belongings will ever compare with having your life and your health.
Sending you hugs from sunny Mexico ((naive))
Fast forward 6 months and all my funny aches are gone (no more stress), I absolutely LOVE my new place and my freedom... just wanted to tell you that right now you are going through tough stuff, but it will get better.
I hope you get the strength to tell EVERYTHING to the police, or perhaps write it and hand them the papers if its too much to be able to talk about it.
Naive!! You are such a wonderful person. You deserve to live in peace and create a safe, nice place for yourself. You deserve good people around you. Life gets so much better after this. Trust that HP will be taking you by the hand all the way. I am glad this man will no longer be in your life. He is troubled and dangerous.
I agree as well with other posters that no belongings will ever compare with having your life and your health.
Sending you hugs from sunny Mexico ((naive))
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
Originally Posted by naive
tallulah, yes, i just learned that i don't get to decide to press charges or not. i didn't know that.
i just got off the phone with the police, who are pushing for more history and sending an officer over tonight to talk to me. the officer said that with more information, they would be able to request a "reprimand" which means he would go up the road to prison (rather than the local jail here in town) and have to stay without bail until his courtdate, proabably 3 weeks. the officer said he recommends my testimony of previous violence because it buys me more time to get out if he is reprimanded.
i just got off the phone with the police, who are pushing for more history and sending an officer over tonight to talk to me. the officer said that with more information, they would be able to request a "reprimand" which means he would go up the road to prison (rather than the local jail here in town) and have to stay without bail until his courtdate, proabably 3 weeks. the officer said he recommends my testimony of previous violence because it buys me more time to get out if he is reprimanded.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Boston
Posts: 2,936
naive - just want to add my voice to the multitude here to say it's time to start looking out for Number One (you!).
Why are you protecting this guy from the consequences of his very real and dangerous actions?
That is enabling. And it makes you part of the problem.
You mentioned earlier "if I were him I would be grateful someone let me use their car for four years..." or something along those lines. Naive, are you still wanting to believe that you are dealing with a rational person here? Are you refusing to accept that you are dealing with an abusive and dangerous active alcoholic?
He does not think like you!
He thinks he owns you. Hence now he has even assaulted your neighbor.
And he is not doing this to you - he is just doing what an abusive dangerous active alcoholic does to the people who enable them, and anyone they perceive as getting in the way of that enabling. You could be anyone - and it will be someone else perhaps down the road, if you do not step up and tell the truth so the police can bring the full force of the law down on this very very bad dude.
This is a REALLY bad dude for whom four years of your "providing" cars, money, love, sex, mercy, have done nothing to change him for the better. Perhaps it is time for you to step aside and let a greater authority help this guy with a little REALITY.
I pray you are safe and sound-- re-read what Morning Glory posted: Nothing is more important than your physical safety. Nothing. No car, no apartment, no location, no computer, or broadband, no soft-feeling toward ABF. Nothing.
Plan accordingly!
peace,
b
Why are you protecting this guy from the consequences of his very real and dangerous actions?
That is enabling. And it makes you part of the problem.
You mentioned earlier "if I were him I would be grateful someone let me use their car for four years..." or something along those lines. Naive, are you still wanting to believe that you are dealing with a rational person here? Are you refusing to accept that you are dealing with an abusive and dangerous active alcoholic?
He does not think like you!
He thinks he owns you. Hence now he has even assaulted your neighbor.
And he is not doing this to you - he is just doing what an abusive dangerous active alcoholic does to the people who enable them, and anyone they perceive as getting in the way of that enabling. You could be anyone - and it will be someone else perhaps down the road, if you do not step up and tell the truth so the police can bring the full force of the law down on this very very bad dude.
This is a REALLY bad dude for whom four years of your "providing" cars, money, love, sex, mercy, have done nothing to change him for the better. Perhaps it is time for you to step aside and let a greater authority help this guy with a little REALITY.
I pray you are safe and sound-- re-read what Morning Glory posted: Nothing is more important than your physical safety. Nothing. No car, no apartment, no location, no computer, or broadband, no soft-feeling toward ABF. Nothing.
Plan accordingly!
peace,
b
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 2,059
update: i chose not to testify. ABF was released with bail conditions that he cannot go near our apartment until court, whenever that is. there is a restraining order against him to not contact our neighbor he assaulted. he was bailed to an address on the other side of town, where he must live for now.
the police called today and said i am free to live in our flat. i am currently at my friend`s in the next village.
the bad news is that the flat i was to move into on the 20th might not be acceptable, due to stereo blasting all day and night by young man next door. this is why the flat was vacated by the previous tenant.
ABF called to inform me of bail conditions as soon as he got out and said i could stay in the flat and heīs not to come near. he thanked me for not testifying. he was calling from a pub. he said none of this would have happened if i had gone to a girl friendīs house rather than a manīs. there was no apology. he sounded exhausted.
the homeless people offered to put me up in temporary flat if i chose against the permanent home they have already offered due to the bad neighbor. the temporary flat is in the town and i could live there until something else becomes available.
i decided to not make any decisions today.
naive
the police called today and said i am free to live in our flat. i am currently at my friend`s in the next village.
the bad news is that the flat i was to move into on the 20th might not be acceptable, due to stereo blasting all day and night by young man next door. this is why the flat was vacated by the previous tenant.
ABF called to inform me of bail conditions as soon as he got out and said i could stay in the flat and heīs not to come near. he thanked me for not testifying. he was calling from a pub. he said none of this would have happened if i had gone to a girl friendīs house rather than a manīs. there was no apology. he sounded exhausted.
the homeless people offered to put me up in temporary flat if i chose against the permanent home they have already offered due to the bad neighbor. the temporary flat is in the town and i could live there until something else becomes available.
i decided to not make any decisions today.
naive
Member
Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: London
Posts: 219
If you'd stayed with a woman he'd have had an excuse for assaulting her or smashing her place up too!
Don't rely on the bail conditions, when he's drunk they'll be the last thing on his mind as many of us here can probably testify.
At least with the temporary flat you won't have to lock yourself in and check all the rooms to make sure he's not there on your return.
Don't rely on the bail conditions, when he's drunk they'll be the last thing on his mind as many of us here can probably testify.
At least with the temporary flat you won't have to lock yourself in and check all the rooms to make sure he's not there on your return.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2009
Location: London, UK
Posts: 927
There is no excuse. None whatsoever. Someone took you into their home and he smashed into it and assaulted them. He didn't think thank goodness she is safe and has a place to lay her head.
He called you from a pub. I don't think anything more needs to be said about that.
I'd urge you to find out when he is next in court. The bail conditions last as long as that (unless they are re-imposed). Then you know what to expect. In fact find out as much as you can. Forewarned is forearmed.
I know how difficult this is. Only you know what has happened. How far it has gone. How much you are willing to put up with. I know it doesn't matter how much I or anyone else says be careful this is dangerous.. you won't see it until you are ready to.. I am just going to keep praying it doesn't take him to really hurt you before you see how much you are worth.
:ghug
He called you from a pub. I don't think anything more needs to be said about that.
I'd urge you to find out when he is next in court. The bail conditions last as long as that (unless they are re-imposed). Then you know what to expect. In fact find out as much as you can. Forewarned is forearmed.
I know how difficult this is. Only you know what has happened. How far it has gone. How much you are willing to put up with. I know it doesn't matter how much I or anyone else says be careful this is dangerous.. you won't see it until you are ready to.. I am just going to keep praying it doesn't take him to really hurt you before you see how much you are worth.
:ghug
A jug fills drop by drop
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
Hello naive! I have no right to feel bad about you not testifying, because I was a victim of a crime a while ago and did not report it out of shame. I understand these are very tough times for you.
I am sad your promised flat was too noisy, but at least you were notified beforehand, it would have sucked to be there trying to get much needed rest and have loud music day and night.
I have nothing to say but that I am thinking of you these days and that sometimes difficult situations arise all at the same time, and it all seems like too much, but after the storm passes you will be stronger, wiser, and hopefully will find a place just for you (as I just did) and will be able to start anew. So hang in there.
Your life will be so much better without this toxic guy dragging you down. You deserve peace and serenity and sooner rather than later you will wake up just as I do, with the BIRDS SINGING, the SUN SHINING (well - if its the UK probably it will be raining, LOL but you get what I mean!!), and only great people allowed close to your heart...
(((naive)))
I am sad your promised flat was too noisy, but at least you were notified beforehand, it would have sucked to be there trying to get much needed rest and have loud music day and night.
I have nothing to say but that I am thinking of you these days and that sometimes difficult situations arise all at the same time, and it all seems like too much, but after the storm passes you will be stronger, wiser, and hopefully will find a place just for you (as I just did) and will be able to start anew. So hang in there.
Your life will be so much better without this toxic guy dragging you down. You deserve peace and serenity and sooner rather than later you will wake up just as I do, with the BIRDS SINGING, the SUN SHINING (well - if its the UK probably it will be raining, LOL but you get what I mean!!), and only great people allowed close to your heart...
(((naive)))
Member
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: West Midlands, UK
Posts: 107
Hi Naive, I've just read the entire thread now, I needed a cup of tea at the end of it! I hope that you are ok and safe as I type. You have been through an enormous amount of stress in such a short period of time. Please take everyones words here seriously.
I understand your position all too well, last October XAB set fire to my kitchen whilst I was in bed (I won't bore you with the details again) however he is bailed now not to come to the house or contact me in any way until his Plea hearing at crown Court in June. He too has been in indirect contact through his family and during recent weeks I have softened somewhat and seen him occasionally to allow him to see our Daughter but this is really, really not helping my mental state. I love/d him so very much and when sober he was my perfect soulmate. Seeing glimpse of this again now is sucking me back in, I can feel it.
I advise you strongly (with the beneift if my retrospectoscope!) to not have any contact, direct or indirect and to allow the Judicial system to do it's job. You should have no guilt unless that is you are the Crown prosecution Service?! I am left feeling now even with minimal contact that I am the the very person loccking him up and dangling the key, as that is how him, his family and friends see it but I'm not I am merely a witness to a crime. Any contact you have with him (and lets face it he's already called you and you do not need to be 'living with one another' to continue) will only make you feel worse and after all you've been through I for one don't think you deserve to feel 'worse' only better.
I'm thinking of you lots and I know you have the strength to get through this, it's not easy it's gut wrenching, painful and somedays feels impossible but it isn't, I promise you.
Lots of thoughts and prayers.
xcxcxcxcxcxcxcxc
I understand your position all too well, last October XAB set fire to my kitchen whilst I was in bed (I won't bore you with the details again) however he is bailed now not to come to the house or contact me in any way until his Plea hearing at crown Court in June. He too has been in indirect contact through his family and during recent weeks I have softened somewhat and seen him occasionally to allow him to see our Daughter but this is really, really not helping my mental state. I love/d him so very much and when sober he was my perfect soulmate. Seeing glimpse of this again now is sucking me back in, I can feel it.
I advise you strongly (with the beneift if my retrospectoscope!) to not have any contact, direct or indirect and to allow the Judicial system to do it's job. You should have no guilt unless that is you are the Crown prosecution Service?! I am left feeling now even with minimal contact that I am the the very person loccking him up and dangling the key, as that is how him, his family and friends see it but I'm not I am merely a witness to a crime. Any contact you have with him (and lets face it he's already called you and you do not need to be 'living with one another' to continue) will only make you feel worse and after all you've been through I for one don't think you deserve to feel 'worse' only better.
I'm thinking of you lots and I know you have the strength to get through this, it's not easy it's gut wrenching, painful and somedays feels impossible but it isn't, I promise you.
Lots of thoughts and prayers.
xcxcxcxcxcxcxcxc
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
