Ago

These may be some of the most true words ever spoken on this forum.

It's quite often not just the alcoholics, practicing or otherwise either.

It took me years to "take my power back" when I got "stuck" in someone else's addiction, it was harder to see then my own addiction, at least then I knew I was "the problem" when I got wrapped up in that world "they" were "the problem"

I have the luxury of watching a guy I am working with go through this for the last six months, his wife just pulled another two day "disappearance" with 1200 dollars while they are losing their home to foreclosure due to their inability to pay because of her "sprees", shopping and otherwise.

This has now been going on for years.

He still blames her, and tells me, "Andrew, you don't understand, I can't just leave her, the children blah blah blah"

The children who are absolutely terrified of her I might add. I saw her "lose it" recently at their house, their kid came running out of the house like his pants were on fire. He was shaking like a leaf, telling me how scared he was, I picked him up and was holding him, telling him his Father would be OK.

I have never seen a child so terrified.

Today I told him it's not her that is the problem anymore and I don't care to discuss it with him anymore, that if anything he would LEAVE her for the sake of the children, not stay with her.

/shrug

The mind reels.

Now I know why my friends gave up trying to explain it to me when I was going through it.

"It takes what it takes" I guess.

Barbara52

YOU cannot. No one is that powerful. Willfull denial, if that is what this is, can only be overcome by the individual, with God's help.

flutter

Ok, let me rephrase, and of course this is just me.. but I was in denial, severe denial..denial that I had a problem. I knew exactly when and how much I drank, and that is what I lied about. My denial wasn't about the physical act of drinking, I LIED about that.., it was in the recognition and admission that it was a problem.

The only time I didn't "know" what I drank was when I got too drunk to remember, but I sure as hell knew I had drank. come ON now.. what universe does denial erase complete physical acts? Sounds like a serious neurological or clinical mental health issue. I don't think denial usually refers to denying that she actually drank, in addiction denying there is a PROBLEM or that the drinking is PATHOLOGICAL is what's usually denied. "Denying" that I drank, was a lie.

Ago

That's really a great question

I ask it daily

Here

on this forum

I think the answer is you can't

I am beginning to think that is one of the earmarks of codependency is trying to break through someone else's denial.

I am speaking strictly for myself here by the way.

prodigal

BINGO! Thanks for that, Ago. Spiked, your AW is not having out-of-body experiences. She is not delusional. As anvil pointed out, she knows the location of the liquor store and how to buy (and hide) the booze.

If she honestly does not believe she is ingesting alcohol, I guess that boils down to her having psychotic episodes or living in total blackout.

With the counseling she receives and meetings she attends, I doubt my speculation is correction.

So I guess it's up to you to call it for what it is, and it's lying and manipulating. The ball is in YOUR court.

MissFixit

What does it mean for drinking to be pathological?

Ago

Read the other post I just up "Addictions, Lies, Relationships"

flutter

Not meaning to be a smart ass.. so please don't take it that way, but I was referring more to the drinking that is severe, problem causing, the 'level up' from "normal" drinking. Pathological is almost a misnomer to me, I should have looked up the definition before I blabbed, I do not believe in the disease model of alcoholism. Pathology often times pertains to disease, mental disturbance, and often refers to the gravity of a situation/behavior/addiction.

Severe? Maybe that would be better. I was just trying to find a stronger, more meaningful word, for when drinking goes from 'drinking' to something much more disturbing.

Bernadette

I was just trying to find a stronger, more meaningful word, for when drinking goes from 'drinking' to something much more disturbing

Addiction!

flutter

Well I know that one, that wouldn't have fit where I had used it in my post thanks!

Rainbowsend

3 month rehab check , counselling check, AA meetings check, yep my Ex A did all the right things too, just never stopped drinking, never wanted to. All the pretence was designed to do give him some ammo to throw at people to shut us up and to get some sympathy and praise cause everyone thought he was trying so hard.

I'll tell you how strong denial is, it's when they stand there in front of you with a beer in their hand and tell you they haven't had a drink in a year while chugging on said beer. When they tell you how long they've been sober when you know they've just lost their job and can see the jaundice in their skin. I don't believe in denial, it's just bare faced lying.

She's a big girl and it sounds like you treat her like a small child making excuses for her behaviour and enabling her.

steve11694

Recovered friends have said
# they went along with famil request to go to rehab since they knew it was a way to continue to be supported by them and they could outsmart the rehab staff.

Thus, they did it to placate and maintain the enablers.

"Lies were automatic"

They also can be self delusional.

I have seen a Catholic priest place his hand on the bible he carried stating "I haven't been drinking", in the face of outwardly clear signs of intoxication and a legally intoxicated blood alcohol level.

Regardless of whether it be "lies" and/or delusion/denial, the bottom line is the same, and whether or not it is acceptable to you. As others have mentioned, it also seems you are enabling her and also have some degree of denial about her problem; a common thing among family/loved ones.

spikedaball

These have all been great comments and thoughts about the situation. Having been part of each other's lives for 36 years, it is really hard to break away. I don't know if it's my denial, or my memory of the good person that she was and I think still is. It is difficult to accept what obviously, at least from an outside perspective, has to be done. Step by step.

jaguarpcb

Spiked, I'm going to tell you the same thing a dear friend told me when I first started trying to deal with my husbands drinking and said things like "but he's so great when he's sober" and "we love each other so much." Nobody would stay with an alcoholic if they were assholes all the time, they're all charming and wonderful at times.

Someone else here compared it to dealing with a slot machine....it lets you win and then you're hooked. If you always lost you'd never play, but there's always the hope that maybe this next pull will be the jackpot.

Freedom1990

It's never easy to break away, regardless of how long you've been with them.

The question is, how much longer will you enable her to drink herself to death right under your nose?

:ghug :ghug