Needed to rant a little...
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2009
Posts: 11
Needed to rant a little...
Ughh.. lately I've been feeling so frustrated. I don't even know why, all is well with my mom, she's doing fine in sobriety. As for my brother... well, he's at college so he's probably doing lots of shxt... I'm just getting fed up with myself more than anything. I want to be able to talk about things like this face to face with someone, but I don't really know who and I don't know if I can do it.
None of my friends know my mom's an alcoholic except one who lives in a different state now because we moved about 6 years ago.. She's my best friend, she had known my mom was alcoholic by the time we were 8-ish but she never talked about it with me, it took me ALL this time (I'm 16) to finally muster up enough courage to send her an email to tell her things that she already knew.. I'm not mad at her for it, she's letting me do it on my own time and I guess I'm happy about that, but so far all I can do is "talk" about it through writing. I can't talk about it on the phone..much less face to face. I've considered telling the best friend I have here, but I'm afraid she's either gonna look down on me for it, not understand it at all, or tell her parents and they're rather religious so they would think I was a bad influence on my friend. Or worst of all, they'd just pity me... I hate that. Pity does nothing but make you feel worse.
There are 3 people that know about my mom's alcoholism and 2 out of those 3know about my brother's drug use. There's my friend, and 2 of my teachers (one of which I regret telling because she pitied me, the other teacher was the first person I have ever told in my life and she is very important to me). The one that's important is my former english teacher and we had to write a "personal narrative" on something that changed our lives and she told us they were completely confidential and that she's had students write about suicide and matters like that so I figured addiction wasn't the worst she'd read. So I gave it a shot I guess and it worked out great.. I ended up emailing her that summer and we've been talking ever since... but only through writing... I can't get around my fear of talking face to face. I've considered talking to my counselor at school, but in all honesty, he's kind of an a$$ and I don't think he would understand at all. I don't know... I don't like the idea of someone being able to see me cry or hear my voice waver. I feel like I've done all this alone and that's only contributing to my independence and trust issues... I been taught basically throughout this whole ordeal to rely on myself for anything I need, no one else. It's screwing me over now.
While my mom was in rehab the last time my dad took me to this weekend seminar thing about family recovery. I know the 3 cs and all that loveliness, I know none of this is my fault nor did it have anything to do with me, but it doesn't really matter, it affects you anyway..
And before you go screaming ALATEEN I simply could not come up with an excuse to go to those without my parents knowing. And if they find out they'll flip and want me to talk to them and I just don't want too...
Sorry this is so drawn out but I feel like I need to talk to someone face to face and I just can't. I was thinking that maybe this post would help ease my mind a little..
None of my friends know my mom's an alcoholic except one who lives in a different state now because we moved about 6 years ago.. She's my best friend, she had known my mom was alcoholic by the time we were 8-ish but she never talked about it with me, it took me ALL this time (I'm 16) to finally muster up enough courage to send her an email to tell her things that she already knew.. I'm not mad at her for it, she's letting me do it on my own time and I guess I'm happy about that, but so far all I can do is "talk" about it through writing. I can't talk about it on the phone..much less face to face. I've considered telling the best friend I have here, but I'm afraid she's either gonna look down on me for it, not understand it at all, or tell her parents and they're rather religious so they would think I was a bad influence on my friend. Or worst of all, they'd just pity me... I hate that. Pity does nothing but make you feel worse.
There are 3 people that know about my mom's alcoholism and 2 out of those 3know about my brother's drug use. There's my friend, and 2 of my teachers (one of which I regret telling because she pitied me, the other teacher was the first person I have ever told in my life and she is very important to me). The one that's important is my former english teacher and we had to write a "personal narrative" on something that changed our lives and she told us they were completely confidential and that she's had students write about suicide and matters like that so I figured addiction wasn't the worst she'd read. So I gave it a shot I guess and it worked out great.. I ended up emailing her that summer and we've been talking ever since... but only through writing... I can't get around my fear of talking face to face. I've considered talking to my counselor at school, but in all honesty, he's kind of an a$$ and I don't think he would understand at all. I don't know... I don't like the idea of someone being able to see me cry or hear my voice waver. I feel like I've done all this alone and that's only contributing to my independence and trust issues... I been taught basically throughout this whole ordeal to rely on myself for anything I need, no one else. It's screwing me over now.
While my mom was in rehab the last time my dad took me to this weekend seminar thing about family recovery. I know the 3 cs and all that loveliness, I know none of this is my fault nor did it have anything to do with me, but it doesn't really matter, it affects you anyway..
And before you go screaming ALATEEN I simply could not come up with an excuse to go to those without my parents knowing. And if they find out they'll flip and want me to talk to them and I just don't want too...
Sorry this is so drawn out but I feel like I need to talk to someone face to face and I just can't. I was thinking that maybe this post would help ease my mind a little..
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
Quiet,
When I was in your age bracket, I could barely look people in the eye when I talked to them, unless they were my age and/or a friend. I was such an introvert. And on top of that, the things I needed to talk about were so ugly. I understand.
I don't have any answers to offer except to keep your eyes open for people you might be able to talk to. And try to do it in very small steps, tiny bites. You don't have to sit down and blurt out your whole history to your friend there, for example. Maybe you can just tell her a topline view some time ("My mom was an alcoholic and I'm still trying to figure it all out" is enough for one sitting) and see how she does with it.
I just had to try to be patient. I didn't start seeing a counselor/therapist until I was in my 20's, but I'll tell you that when I did, things broke open and started feeling better really quickly.
They don't have to understand 100%. Nobody's ever going to understand you 100% - and that's okay. They just have to listen and be there for you.
Wishing you luck with all of this. I know how hard it is. Keeping coming back here....we "get it" and can share stories.
When I was in your age bracket, I could barely look people in the eye when I talked to them, unless they were my age and/or a friend. I was such an introvert. And on top of that, the things I needed to talk about were so ugly. I understand.
I don't have any answers to offer except to keep your eyes open for people you might be able to talk to. And try to do it in very small steps, tiny bites. You don't have to sit down and blurt out your whole history to your friend there, for example. Maybe you can just tell her a topline view some time ("My mom was an alcoholic and I'm still trying to figure it all out" is enough for one sitting) and see how she does with it.
I just had to try to be patient. I didn't start seeing a counselor/therapist until I was in my 20's, but I'll tell you that when I did, things broke open and started feeling better really quickly.
They don't have to understand 100%. Nobody's ever going to understand you 100% - and that's okay. They just have to listen and be there for you.
Wishing you luck with all of this. I know how hard it is. Keeping coming back here....we "get it" and can share stories.
Being Silent so I can Hear
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: USA
Posts: 2,521
I'm 100% certain that you go to school with other kids dealing with the same issues. Just a thought, that you really aren't alone except as much as you make it so.
What's the worst thing that can happen is someone sees you cry or hears your voice waver? But, I do understand that, I hate it too...thing is, I had to do what I had to do, for me. And the first day in counseling I could barely speak for the crying and wavering.
The 2nd time was much easier and very little crying.
What's the worst thing that can happen is someone sees you cry or hears your voice waver? But, I do understand that, I hate it too...thing is, I had to do what I had to do, for me. And the first day in counseling I could barely speak for the crying and wavering.
The 2nd time was much easier and very little crying.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: Woodland, CA
Posts: 27
It took me until I was in my 30s to tell anyone that my mom was an alcoholic. I have yet to make it through one Al-anon meeting without crying, but it does get better. And being able to talk about it out loud for me was so liberating. I felt as though the heavy load of stress that I was carrying around with me lightened and I could actually relax a little bit...
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Boston
Posts: 2,936
I simply could not come up with an excuse to go to those without my parents knowing. And if they find out they'll flip and want me to talk to them and I just don't want too...
You said your mom is doing fine in sobriety. Is she working a program of any sort? If so I think you could try telling her you are going to AlAteen. If she is in recovery and she might be understanding of the need. Or if your folks flip out can't you tell them you are doing this for you. and that if you need to talk to them you know they are there and you will but right now you are doing some research on your own to figure some stuff out for yourself...
I can think of no easier or cheaper way to get some face to face help than Alateen....
otherwise what about talking to your guidance counselor?
peace and good lucb.
You said your mom is doing fine in sobriety. Is she working a program of any sort? If so I think you could try telling her you are going to AlAteen. If she is in recovery and she might be understanding of the need. Or if your folks flip out can't you tell them you are doing this for you. and that if you need to talk to them you know they are there and you will but right now you are doing some research on your own to figure some stuff out for yourself...
I can think of no easier or cheaper way to get some face to face help than Alateen....
otherwise what about talking to your guidance counselor?
peace and good lucb.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2009
Posts: 129
I agree, if your Mom is in treatment or has gone through AA or another program, I can't see them balking at your going to Alateen. You are also taking a great step on joining this board, it gives you a chance to vent and release the various feelings we all go through in dealing with our loved one's addiction. Whatever you do, don't keep your feelings inside, believe me, they will build up. Share your stories, learn from other's stories, as well as educate yourself as much as possible. Is there an easy answer? No, but you can learn to live with it, just as a sober alcoholic can learn to live without drinking.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
