jtr90

Right now I am away at school and it feels like I never left when my Dad calls me, after he has been drinking, to ask me to call my Mom and see where she is just for her to call him. I don't understand what he doesn't get about that she wants to be left alone. Here he is, staying out all times of the night without notice, and he has the nerve to questions where someone is. Of all people why call me, especially when he told me he wouldn't get me involved in any situations between them.

Btw they are in the midst of a divorce and it's a stressful situation back home. He just needs to get over the fact that he is about to lose his wife, but he doesn't understand why and that he isn't going anywhere! I feel helpless and I don't know what to do. When he calls me it ruins my day if not for hours; I really can't stand him. It's hard not to worry because I am protective of my mother, and if I tell him anything it will just backfire on me, and the sooner he leaves for good the better.

:praying

suki44883

I'm sorry you are going through this. It's not your responsibility to check up on your mother for him. I'd tell him that the situation is between the two of them and to leave you out of it.

jtr90

wish it was that easy

Still Waters

Yes, "sorry Dad, this is between you and Mom".

If that doesn't work, get caller ID and don't answer his calls?

jtr90

^ believe me i have thought about not answering his calls but i know him and if i did that he would harass my mom and ask her why i dont answer his calls, and it would be all her fault...when it isn't.

it's sad, but i have to answer his calls or risk my mom being cussed out

suki44883

wish it was that easy

It can be that easy. Just do it.

Freedom1990

I understand you are protective of your mother. However, she is an adult. It's not your responsibility to get stuck in the middle.

He's throwing his crap on you, and you're picking it up by answering that phone every time.

Ago

Welcome back Jtr

It truly IS that easy

Your job isn't to protect your mother, she's an adult, she can take care of herself, your job is to take care of yourself.

One thing you can do is ask him when he is sober NOT to call you after he has been drinking.

Then if he calls and you don't answer, he won't "blame" her.

You don't need to place yourself in the middle of their divorce, I know you are angry at your father by your previous posts, but can you just remove yourself from anything to do with their relationship? They are adults, they met long before you were even around, let them solve their own problems.

By the way, I am speaking from experience, my parents divorced when I was ten, and that's what I did then, and truthfully, that's how I still manage them today.

If my father brings up my mother or any other subject I am not comfortable with discussing I will say something like "hey, someone's at the door, gotta go." and hang up the phone right then no discussion.

I have also learned about placing "boundaries", "I am not comfortable with discussing this, if you continue, I will hang up", then if it continues, hang up.

Such as "I am not comfortable discussing mother's whereabouts with you, if you ask again I will hang up"

it's usually followed by "but blah blah" /click as I hung up the phone.

after 30-40 times they "get it"

Have you looked into alanon or alateen at school?

jtr90

^ thanks for the helpful advice!

my mom suggested i look for a alateen at school but i have given it much thought. i should though.

GiveLove

Let me get this straight:

Your dad's phone calls to find out about your mom - they wreck your entire day.

But you can't NOT answer the phone because then he'd call your mom....

....which is what he's supposed to be doing in the FIRST place??

This is between them.
Leave it between them.

Caller ID. Don't answer. It really is that easy. He is an adult. He managed his life before you were born and he will figure it out now too.

He should NOT be doing this to you anyway. It's bullsh#t.

Answering his calls and ruining your own life for something you can't control is NOT proof of your love for them. It's just proof that you can punish yourself for something you didn't do.

Take care of yourself.

jtr90

thanks, i will take this into consideration

Seren

It is that easy. If your father cusses out your mother...well, she's a big girl, she married him in the first place, she can handle it. It is in no way your responsibility to protect your parents from one another or to negotiate their arguments.

I'm sure your mother would feel the same way if you explained it to her. Both of you, perhaps, should learn to not pick up the phone for a while when your father calls.

I'm so sorry that you are going through this and hope that you will find some peace soon! Huge hugs!!! HG