vigu23

hello for starters.

I am unsure of how to cope with the drinking behavior of my husband. We have been married for 10 years now and we have had several sever issues concerning his drinking. After a particularly bad spell, he started to attend AA meetings but soon gave up on it because he thought he would not fit in and that he would get his drinking under control or at least what we would call someone who has a normal drinking behavior. If such exists. But as you probably all know, it did not work. He tried therapy. A combination of psychiatrist and psychologist. Neither really worked. So he gave that up too. Right now we are slipping back into a bad spell period. He is willing to try AA again but has not attended a meeting yet. Another problem, as I see it, are the people he hangs out with and he calls friends. Mostly alcoholics or people suffering depression and so on.


Not really sure now what to do or how to behave myself. I guess I am just looking for some guidance / reassurance from people who are in a similar situation as I am. I don't believe that a divorce would solve the problem as I am willing to give support without giving up myself

Still Waters

He can't address the problem if he's not willing to vigu, and that's totally up to him.

From what I've read, no alcoholic ever thinks they'll fit in, they are all unique and can find another easier way to beat it. Most fail.

So, if you are going to stand by him (which you can do living with him or not), then you need to take care of yourself. Al-anon and/or a counselor is a great place to do that.

Do read the stickies at the top of the forum here, there is a LOT of great info in there for you, written by people in your exact situation.

GiveLove

Hi vigu,

I'm sorry you find yourself in this situation. I think that all of us are willing and able to lend support when someone is actively seeking help, so I understand.

Oftentimes though, we have had to ask ourselves how long we're willing to do this. Will we always be willing to stay in a marriage that is causing damage to us, or at the very least is not the marriage we want & deserve? That's the real question. We cannot cure the alcoholic - we can't control his disorder - only HE can seek recovery. So "support" is something that needs to be carefully defined. You can provide emotional support even if you don't live together.

You may wish to ask yourself how long you're willing to do this, and how you will know when it's time to cut your losses and seek real stability and happiness for yourself.

I would encourage you to participate here, find an Al-Anon meeting for local support, and keep the focus on you as much as you can....and try to set boundaries to ensure your quality of life remains good.

Good luck

Ago

The "bolded" part is absolutely the "alcoholic mantra"

SW is absolutely right, the only thing you can do for him is to take care of yourself and stop "protecting him" from the consequences of his actions.

AA actually has a suggestion for people who aren't sure if they are alcoholics.

Keep drinking.

It will become clear soon enough, by not "protecting" him from the consequences of his actions many times it can become clear sooner, if that means leaving him is a consequence, so be it.

The fact that he has attended AA and has tried various forms of trying to quit actually may be helpful, if he realizes he has a problem on his own, many of us had to realize we had a problem then have alcohol itself be the club that beats us into submission. Alcohol is "the great persuader".

After you do attend a few hundred meetings and hear each and every alcoholic open their mouth and share about how "unique" they were, how they "never seemed to fit in" anywhere, and how they all tried a million different ways to beat it on their own, the fog sometimes lifts.

Show him this:

AA Big Book - Chapter 3

read it yourself, bring his attention to the first few paragraphs ending with "ad infinitum" and bring his attention to the story about the jaywalker.

Do this gently, as this is a discovery you made "together", you can mention a sober alcoholic directed you to this passage, one who understands, if he would like to contact me, feel free to have him PM me.

"To the wives" is also a helpful passage in that book.

AA Big Book - Chapter 8

Sorry I put on my "alcoholic" hat in this forum, it just seems as if this man actually may have a chance to get sober, when the wheels start falling off, a little therapy and AA tends to ruin one's drinking.

For me dealing WITH an alcoholic, I found alanon and therapy helpful, and my "exagf" got sober after I left.

Still Waters

I'm always glad to hear the alcoholic side to all this Ago, thank you.

vigu23

Thank you for you support. This is already helping me a lot. I was never a very outgoing person, not even before my marriage so that has nothing to do with alcohol and stuff. I guess I am still searching for myself as well. My husband D is sometimes very easy too understand and sometimes not at all. I am not sure whether he is drinking on a regular basis (daily) or if it is just drinking spells. He lies quite a bit about this as I guess every alcoholic in denial does. It is all difficult to explain for me. I am in a mindset where I do not believe that leaving him is what I want. I did tell him that he needs help and that I will be there for him but that I will not give myself up for him if it does not work out. He said he would attend the next AA meeting being held Tuesdays. I will just wait and see what happens then. I will also see if there is going to be an Al-Anon meeting there too. I just don't want to sit back and do nothing. He is willing I know that. And I do not try to cover up for him or lie to other people about it. I address it as is whether he likes it or not. But just being here in this forum gives me a good feeling already.

Thank you so much

Happy Easter to you all

Taking5

Hi and welcome to SR.

Unless you live in a very small town, you likely have several AA meetings a week. Just google "your town, TX AA meetings" and you should find them.