blinkofaneye

Thsi is my first time here. I have a question. My bf left me, says drinking changes people. While he was drinking we were so in love. He had started his sobriety shortly after. A year later out of no where he says he doesn't love me anymore. The feelings he had are no longer there and the way that I love him only happens in the movies.

My question is this: Does feelings for someone just stop like that, is this an excuse? How can he just not care anymore?

I am so confused

GiveLove

blink,

I am so, so sorry this is happening to you.

From my experiences with alcoholics, here's what sometimes happens: They get involved with someone while they are in their full-on drunk mode, and live inside this fluffy cloud of illusions. Not to say that you aren't a desirable person -- but they don't have their feet on the ground, they aren't operating from any sort of reality. They're operating inside a cloud of Numb.

When they get sober, sometimes these illusions shatter, and they find they want something else. It's not US that's changed, it's whatever new compass they're navigating by. It's heartbreaking for those of us who thought the feeling was the Real Thing.

There's no good advice here except to try to let go. You won't change his mind by scrambling around trying to change yourself into his new ideal, whatever the heck that might be....you will only lose respect for yourself.

You are who you are, you're a good person just as you stand, and you deserve to find someone who will reciprocate your feelings of love, through and through, with no illusions. Let yourself grieve over this, let yourself get mad, maybe find a counselor to talk over these feelings (and yell...and cry...and....) You shouldn't have to go through this alone.

The only good way out is "through" this. I'm glad you found us, and I hope you'll stick around. Lots of good support and wisdom here.

tallulah

Has he done this before? Blown hot and cold?

I'm willing to bet he has..

joinedintime

blinkofaneye,

GiveLove said it very well.

He changed, (sometimes it takes a year) you didn't.

It hurts to loose what you had but don't lose yourself too by changing to what you think he wants.

It sucks now, but it would have been worse if he stayed drunk.

You can both move forward now.

Be yourself

yukonm

I am so sorry you are going through this. I agree with what GiveLove said. Take care of yourself. If he has told you he doesn't feel the same for you anymore, believe him, move on. This doesn't mean there's anything wrong with you. I will keep in my thoughts and hope you can find some peace soon.

SleepyCherie

In my dealing with alcoholic family/friends it is common for them to be numb and apathetic. My mother is one of the worst narcissists that I've ever encountered. In a way it's good that he's made enough progress to get a grip on how he does or doesn't feel, but I'm sorry that you were in the damage path of that.

Freedom1990

First of all, welcome to SR. I am sorry for your pain and confusion.

Drinking does change people. It sounds like your relationship started out with him drinking, and the dynamics do change when the alcoholic gets sober.

I hope you continue to post. You will find a lot of support here. :ghug

bluejay6

another possibility i have to throw in is that he is "building to a drink."

when addicts want to use, they often create some sort of chaos or upset in their lives in order to justify running off for the booze. they incite arguments, fights, they inject crisis--well, actually, the DISEASE does it--so they will then feel disturbed and "need" the drug.

there is really no way to know right now why he seemingly just cut off his feelings for you. but i do know that must have turned your sense of reality--and your confidence--on its head.

this is the emotional danger of loving an addict--dry or active. things can change overnight, if the addict is without a very solid program of sobriety based on humility and compassion for others. (traits the disease destroys and must be re-built).

many of us--including me--have been devastated by the sudden rejection by an addict. our combined tears could fill an ocean.

believe it or not, you will very very likely come out of this stronger. just hold on for now and talk to people you trust for comfort.

also: he might be back. i hate to say that, because you do not need any false hopes deluding you....but the rubberband behavior of addicts is well known. (come close/go away).

if he comes back, chances are good you will want to take him back. but do it with a clear head and a ton of information about addiction, dear, for there would be a lot of stress ahead. and you could get lost in his tornados.

if he is in fact working a solid program and simply trying to live as authentically as he can....then God wants you with someone else. has him picked out already.

do take care of yourself, no matter what.

blinkofaneye

He's great at the push pull game if thats what you mean.

tallulah

wet or dry that is not going to change until he wants to change it..

Meanwhile you are caught up in the yo-yo.. you will never ever feel like you can just relax and breathe in the relationship.

The A I was with did the same thing. I met him sober, he relapsed, he got sober again.. his emotionally maturity however never surpassed that of a two year old. He was genuinely surprised that (when I lived with him) most of my stuff never came out of boxes: hardly surprising when someone plays the push me/pull me game and you never know where exactly you stand.

My advice would be, when he comes back trying to get you close again, to set your boundaries and stick to them.. If you are happy playing this game, then carry on. If you are not, set down what it is you want from the relationship and stick to it.

Be prepared to walk away for good though.. this will not improve unless he starts tackling the issues that make him like this.