josie25

I left my abf in August when he started drinking again after a full hospital detox and weeks of sobriety - I had told him that this would happen, as I was becoming ill from the stress of his illness. I managed to maintain little contact despite desperately wanting to go back to him, as I realised that the cycle of our relationship was destructive to both of us. I found out in December that he had met somebody else and he rang me on New Years Eve to tell me to move on with my life as he had done so. Since then, I have struggled to cope at all. I found out a couple of weeks ago that he had moved in with this new woman and wanted to marry her which absolutely devastated me. On top of this I heard that he had punched her and been locked up for it, but she has taken him back. I was with him for four years and he never touched me. Last week I received a call from his mum to tell me that he had had two fits and was covered in bruises and had been rushed into hospital. He is now on another detox and my heart is breaking that he is there and I can have nothing to do with him, as I am nothing to do with him anymore.
I know in my head that I did the right thing, but my heart is just not linking up with this. I still desperately love this man, I know that the woman he is with doesn't have a clue what she is dealing with - she believes that when he comes out of hospital everything will be wonderful and he won't drink anymore and they can live happily ever after.
I sit and wait for him to contact me and yet know that he is not going to. I am trying to move on with my life, go out with friends etc, but my heart is with him. If I was able to go back, I know that it would be awful again within a few weeks, as even when he was sober he was very distant and withdrawn.
I honestly don't know what to do or how to feel, but crying day after day is not helping at all. Will I ever be happy and content again???

catlovermi

Welcome to SR!!

Well, you have an executive decision to make here.

If you choose to keep your focus - the center of your life and thinking - on him, it isn't likely, as he's an active addict.

If you choose to make the decision and do the hard work of putting the focus on you, and making changes to build yourself into a self-contained, healthy person who then can go on to have healthy relationships, then the answer is yes.

A great place to go to learn how is Alanon, even if the alcoholic is long gone from your life.

Sending encouragement,

CLMI

historyteach

Hi, Josie,
And welcome to SR!

Right now, you are grieving the loss of your relationship. That's a normal human response. Give yourself permission to grieve and then, to heal. If the grieving lasts for too long, or if it interfers with some of your life's functioning, (work, paying bills, school, etc...), then, perhaps you'd like to see a counselor. A social worker is skilled in helping people deal with grief in a healthy manner. Perhaps a group would be in order. But, then, you need to move on. And you will. It just takes time, as hard as that sounds.

I do agree that alanon would be a good place for you to begin to find some help too. Also, take a look on the Codependent thread in the newcomers daily support forum. You'll find lots of information there that may be helpful.

I look forward to getting to know you as we both grow in our recovery.

Shalom!

GiveLove

A counselor helped me a great deal, josie. Mine gave me specific things to do and to work on that gradually loosened the knot of grief that felt like it was choking me.

You might want to try this. Counselors exist to solve that weird mystery we all go through at one time or another where our hearts and our minds refuse to synch up.

Sending you hugs and strength to get through this. You have done the right thing -- you just need to line your feet, your mind, and your heart up all heading the same direction again

LaTeeDa

Counseling was what helped me untangle the self-defeating beliefs and behaviors that kept me stuck, too.

Maybe it could help you figure out why you pine for a miserable existence and an awful relationship.

L

josie25

Just wanted to say a big thankyou for replying. I was very distressed this afternoon when I typed the message. I have managed to fill my day up and then go to church to take my mind off him and it has worked, as I haven't actually thought about the situation for a few hours. You are right that I have to stop focussing on him. I have been off work for three works and had too much time to concentrate on the issues, but back to work tomorrow, so hopefully that will help too.

Spiritual Seeker

Sounds like you are projecting on to this other woman that she believes
he will come out and if can clean up and then life as a couple could be wonderful.

Maybe the drama + Chaos is exciting on some level and in comparison the life you have now seems flat-line. The obsessing must be like being in the drama.
In reality maybe you forgot what serenity feels like...give it time and a chance.

steve11694

and if he does stay sober (longer) this time it is not because he is doing it for her/anyone, only that he has felt enough pain and doent want more. his decision to get sober, for him and nobody else