Summer2008

It's been a rough few weeks lately. I wasn't paying attention when I was on the computer one evening and ended up restoring my computer to factory default settings. It was a disaster. I'm just now starting to get my programs working again and managed to recreate my budget. The loss of the budget was driving me crazy because I was so worried I could not afford the payments on the truck I just bought. Good news today I recreated and updated the budget and I'm doing fine financially. There is not enough there to have my sons live with me but enough to know that I can help them out here and there a little bit.

There was no real closure when I left abf because I walked out while he was passed out. I did not leave a not or anything, I just up and left. It's not the first time I have left him. I can understand his frustration on me doing this.

This time I was pretty sure I had reached my limit and had absolutely no intention of having contact with him again. Last night I was having a rough night and really wanted to talk to axbf because I don't want to become the type of person who just leaves without trying to reason/talk/work and or end things.

It was any eye opening experience for me talking to him. First I caught him in a lie, and I gave him every opportunity in the world to tell me the truth, he never did. He even told me he would always be 110 percent honest with me. So much for the honesty.

It's opened my eyes to the fact that there is the truth, and there is what xabf considers the truth to be.

Shortly after that he goes into this tirade of everything I have done wrong in the relationship. I told him I was not there to place blame on him or me, but that perhaps what was more necessary was learning how "we" should or could handle things differently.

I'm willing to admit I did my share of wrong, but darn it, I guess I never noticed in the past how he is so good to point fingers at others and take on none of the responsibility for his actions.

At this point him and I still have some more talking to do and who knows which way either one of will decide to go.

I know right now, this moment in time, my rose colored glasses are off, and that I am strong enough no matter what happens. I've had a great day at home today. I can't find my bank card, but so what, I called the bank, canceled the card and they will send me another one. Normally something like that would have sent me into a panic or anxiety attack. NOT TODAY

Thanks everyone for all the support and replies that have always been there for me.

laurie6781

You mean you are going to waste more time listening to his QUACKING??? I hope for your sake, your peace of mind, your serenity, and your sanity you don't!

Talking (his quacking and manipulation) will only SUCK YOU BACK IN for more of the same. Stay apart, watch his ACTIONS for the next year or so and you will see where he is headed. You will see changes, IF he is in recovery, some small at first, which is why I say at least a year.

You deserve better than this!

Love and hugs,

ItsmeAlice

I agree with Laurie in that you should be far less willing to talk it out for now.

Your walking out is still very fresh in his mind, and your actions and now lack of presence around him are just what he needs to blame everything he doesn't like in his life on.

That includes his drinking. Until he gets to the point of blaming his own bad choices on himself, you will not make forward movement in talking with him.

Let your actions and his be tell you where your relationship, or lack thereof, is going.

Part of letting them fall, suffer their own consequences, and hit their bottom is not giving them a soft place to land, or someone to focus all the blame that should be theirs.

Of course, I'm one to talk...you are way ahead of me...I haven't left yet.

Alice

Barbara52

From where I sit, you and he can talk all day, all night, forever and it won't make an iota of difference because he is still an active alcoholic unready/unwilling to change. But, if you want to stay in the madness, do it knowing that what you have now is what you have going forward, ad infinitem becuase his words don't mean diddly.

Just what action has the man taken to deal with his alcholism?

What action can you take to help yourself?

Summer2008

After listening to abf point fingers at me, it made me take a close look at myself and while some of his blame was pointless some things he said hit him. I allowed his drinking to turn me into a person I was not happy with. I have sense made an appointment to talk to counselor and will continue on my codependency issues. I also know that just because he says something it doesn't make it true, yet there was some merit in a few things.

My goal at this point is yes, him and I will take BUT not till I can say the things I want to say in a calm manner and unemotional manner. I don't know if and when that will be but when I'm ready I will know. In the mean time I will not let him Quack his way back in my life.

I have placed some boundaries in my life (infidelity was always one - told him that in the beginning that if he ever cheated the relationship was over..end of discussion.

The new boundary I will be telling him is he continues to drink the relationship is over. End of story. I just have to get myself strong enough before I see him in person to state this in a very calm manner and then see if his actions will match his choice.

I also have an appointment set up for me to go to counseling and will be working on my co-dependency issues.

In the past my mouth would say one thing and my actions said another. This time I feel it will be different. I know him telling me he will quit is not enough, so even if he says that, then I will suggest detox, counseling and of course a complete physical. Wow even saying those things sound controlling and they are not meant that way.

Basically it boils down to "I am not willing to be in a relationship with a non drinking alcoholic." He can make his choices on what to do at that point.

If he continues on his life of self-destruction, I can and will walk away and continue to work on improving myself.

laurie6781

You don't need to do all that. If and that is a big IF he says that he will quit a simple reply short and sweet.

"Show me by your actions not your words."

Then change the subject.

He KNOWS what he has to do, he is just doing everything he can not to, because he wants to continue to consume his alcohol.

J M H O

You just keep working on YOU. I am glad you are setting up some counseling for you. Let him figure out what and how he is going to do whatever it is he decides to do.

You go girl!!!!!!!

Love and hugs,