again
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Idaho
Posts: 123
again
I need help. I havent' been on here for two years about. I am involved again, with my ex who is recovering. he is adamantly going to AA, and is doing very well. been sober for 9 months and seems to be pretty committed. For the last 4 months we have been close. He has hinted (and more than hinted) he wants me back, and i have been non-committal. he broke my heart in his drinking/using period, and i have a wall that i have built up. I haven't been the "warmest" to him. No sex has been involved this time around.
My problem:
i found out he was beginning to hang around another woman, and he had not been 100% honest about it, and i fell apart. i have been knocked back into my dark hole. I confronted him on it and he told me that he is tired of over-extending himself when i will not be responsive. he is right. I have been cold to him. and he isn't going to "deal with my issues on top of his own". He was almost a different person- i saw that alcoholic brain come out.
I can't get up. I can't stop crying. I can't function. I've missed work.
What is happening to me? I was "okay" with things until i foudn this out and now i'm falling apart. i feel like i've been there for him and he can't understand why i'm hurting. I know he may not know how to deal with it- he's been using for the past 25 years. But my question is, how do I?
i need help fast.
My problem:
i found out he was beginning to hang around another woman, and he had not been 100% honest about it, and i fell apart. i have been knocked back into my dark hole. I confronted him on it and he told me that he is tired of over-extending himself when i will not be responsive. he is right. I have been cold to him. and he isn't going to "deal with my issues on top of his own". He was almost a different person- i saw that alcoholic brain come out.
I can't get up. I can't stop crying. I can't function. I've missed work.
What is happening to me? I was "okay" with things until i foudn this out and now i'm falling apart. i feel like i've been there for him and he can't understand why i'm hurting. I know he may not know how to deal with it- he's been using for the past 25 years. But my question is, how do I?
i need help fast.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
I found out the hard way, and for 14 painful years, that leaving the EXAH didn't solve my problem because the problem was looking right back at me in the mirror.
I never did any internal work, and so, I continued to seek out relationships that were unhealthy, and was still looking to fill that void within.
I can also speak from the viewpoint of a recovering alcoholic, and my first year in sobriety was hard, very hard. I still had many, many of the same crappy behaviors that I had when I was active-dishonesty, manipulation, blame.
Being involved with an alcoholic in early recovery is a crap shoot at best.
Also, as I've often said before, alcohol sometimes gets too much credit. Sometimes they are buttholes with or without the alcohol.
What kind of internal work had you done before you made the choice to get involved with him again?
I never did any internal work, and so, I continued to seek out relationships that were unhealthy, and was still looking to fill that void within.
I can also speak from the viewpoint of a recovering alcoholic, and my first year in sobriety was hard, very hard. I still had many, many of the same crappy behaviors that I had when I was active-dishonesty, manipulation, blame.
Being involved with an alcoholic in early recovery is a crap shoot at best.
Also, as I've often said before, alcohol sometimes gets too much credit. Sometimes they are buttholes with or without the alcohol.
What kind of internal work had you done before you made the choice to get involved with him again?
Belgian Sheepdog Adictee
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: In Today
Posts: 6,101
Well, you will not like what I am about to say, but here goes:
With only 9 months he had no business trying to become involved with you or anyone else. That immediately tells me he is NOT FULLY working a program of recovery. One of the STRONGLY put suggestions, is NO MAJOR CHANGES THE FIRST YEAR. ie If not in a relationship don't get in one, if in one, put it on hold and not get out unless it is detrimental to your sobriety. Same thing about moving, job changes etc
I always suggest that we give the one 'attempting' recovery at least 18 months to 2 years to see just how much their ACTIONS have changed. Yes, at this stage you are still going to see some of the 'alcoholic behavior' come to the fore.
Please, for your own serenity, peace of mind, and sanity :codiepolice
Wait and see.
J M H O
Love and hugs,
With only 9 months he had no business trying to become involved with you or anyone else. That immediately tells me he is NOT FULLY working a program of recovery. One of the STRONGLY put suggestions, is NO MAJOR CHANGES THE FIRST YEAR. ie If not in a relationship don't get in one, if in one, put it on hold and not get out unless it is detrimental to your sobriety. Same thing about moving, job changes etc
I always suggest that we give the one 'attempting' recovery at least 18 months to 2 years to see just how much their ACTIONS have changed. Yes, at this stage you are still going to see some of the 'alcoholic behavior' come to the fore.
Please, for your own serenity, peace of mind, and sanity :codiepolice
Wait and see.
J M H O
Love and hugs,
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: Between the ocean and the mountains
Posts: 653
cdk,
my heart hurts for you. A's are so selfish it just floors me, stuns and blindsides me. every time.
selfish, cold, lying, conning, cowardly babies.
in AA, his hanging out with any new female friend in his 9th month of recovery and not having resolved his issues with you would, i think, be termed "medicating."
God forbid he should stand on his own two feet.
if his wife won't baby him, he'll find some other woman to listen to his pity party.
i'm angry he is hurting you STILL. and that you are crumbling because of it.
hang on. let the tears flow and flow and flow. God is right there with you and has a plan for your life and there is a purpose to what is happening RIGHT NOW.
like the others say, i would not try to have any sort of relationship with him right now. not until at least a full year clean and sober, and even then, do not let him think he is the center of your universe.
have you read "getting them sober" by toby rice drews. i suggest you make a dash for it, it will help so much.
much love and strength your way. i hate that you are hurting.
my heart hurts for you. A's are so selfish it just floors me, stuns and blindsides me. every time.
selfish, cold, lying, conning, cowardly babies.
in AA, his hanging out with any new female friend in his 9th month of recovery and not having resolved his issues with you would, i think, be termed "medicating."
God forbid he should stand on his own two feet.
if his wife won't baby him, he'll find some other woman to listen to his pity party.
i'm angry he is hurting you STILL. and that you are crumbling because of it.
hang on. let the tears flow and flow and flow. God is right there with you and has a plan for your life and there is a purpose to what is happening RIGHT NOW.
like the others say, i would not try to have any sort of relationship with him right now. not until at least a full year clean and sober, and even then, do not let him think he is the center of your universe.
have you read "getting them sober" by toby rice drews. i suggest you make a dash for it, it will help so much.
much love and strength your way. i hate that you are hurting.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: The Swish Alps, SF CA
Posts: 2,144
Originally Posted by Freedom1990 
I found out the hard way, and for 14 painful years, that leaving the EXAH didn't solve my problem because the problem was looking right back at me in the mirror.
I never did any internal work, and so, I continued to seek out relationships that were unhealthy, and was still looking to fill that void within.
I can also speak from the viewpoint of a recovering alcoholic, and my first year in sobriety was hard, very hard. I still had many, many of the same crappy behaviors that I had when I was active-dishonesty, manipulation, blame.
Being involved with an alcoholic in early recovery is a crap shoot at best.
Also, as I've often said before, alcohol sometimes gets too much credit. Sometimes they are buttholes with or without the alcohol.
What kind of internal work had you done before you made the choice to get involved with him again?
I never did any internal work, and so, I continued to seek out relationships that were unhealthy, and was still looking to fill that void within.
I can also speak from the viewpoint of a recovering alcoholic, and my first year in sobriety was hard, very hard. I still had many, many of the same crappy behaviors that I had when I was active-dishonesty, manipulation, blame.
Being involved with an alcoholic in early recovery is a crap shoot at best.
Also, as I've often said before, alcohol sometimes gets too much credit. Sometimes they are buttholes with or without the alcohol.
What kind of internal work had you done before you made the choice to get involved with him again?
just my opinion.
I am involved again, with my ex who is recovering.
You state you "have built a wall" and "sex isn't involved"
What sort of relationship is it?
A friendship?
it may help if you decide to yourself what sort of relationship it is you are having with this man.
he is adamantly going to AA, and is doing very well. been sober for 9 months and seems to be pretty committed.
For the last 4 months we have been close. He has hinted (and more than hinted) he wants me back, and i have been non-committal.
Fair enough
That makes him "single" by the way. He's over 18.
he broke my heart in his drinking/using period, and i have a wall that i have built up. I haven't been the "warmest" to him. No sex has been involved this time around.
My problem:
i found out he was beginning to hang around another woman, and he had not been 100% honest about it
i found out he was beginning to hang around another woman, and he had not been 100% honest about it
I confronted him on it and he told me that he is tired of over-extending himself when i will not be responsive. he is right. I have been cold to him. and he isn't going to "deal with my issues on top of his own". He was almost a different person- i saw that alcoholic brain come out.
I was taught in early sobriety to stop going to a "dry well" for water, or a hardware store for a loaf of bread.
There is quite a bit written in this thread about him, and his recovery, or lack of it. The "suggestion" is "no new relationships for a year" but the truth of the matter is I know dozens, if not hundreds of sober alcoholics with 20+ years of sobriety, and I can count on one hand the ones that didn't have sex with somebody their first year. True, I got sober young, in a young fellowship, but it's only a suggestion. Most "sponsors" I know that I see that are REALLY emphatic about this issue shagged like minks their first year and got burned badly.
AA's "Official" stance about "sex" is:
We want to stay out of this controversy. We do not want to be the arbiter of anyone's sex conduct. We all have sex problems. We'd hardly be human if we didn't. What can we do about them?
God alone can judge our sex situation. Counsel with persons is often desirable, but we let God be the final judge.
Suppose we fall short of the chosen ideal and stumble? Does this mean we are going to get drunk. Some people tell us so. But this is only a half-truth. It depends on us and on our motives. If we are sorry for what we have done, and have the honest desire to let God take us to better things, we believe we will be forgiven and will have learned our lesson. If we are not sorry, and our conduct continues to harm others, we are quite sure to drink. We are not theorizing. These are facts out of our experience.
God alone can judge our sex situation. Counsel with persons is often desirable, but we let God be the final judge.
Suppose we fall short of the chosen ideal and stumble? Does this mean we are going to get drunk. Some people tell us so. But this is only a half-truth. It depends on us and on our motives. If we are sorry for what we have done, and have the honest desire to let God take us to better things, we believe we will be forgiven and will have learned our lesson. If we are not sorry, and our conduct continues to harm others, we are quite sure to drink. We are not theorizing. These are facts out of our experience.
Personally, my sponsees do what they want no matter what I "suggest", more often then not, they come back pretty hurt and actually start working the steps after they have their first AA "fling".
Some have stayed celibate and drank, some have "gotten busy" and have over 7-16 years today.
Anyhow, I understand you are hurt.
To me, it boils down to, do you want this man in your life?
If not, walk away, if so, let him know.
Communication is the only "advice" I can offer you.
Get clear about YOURSELF and your motives. Maybe if you were to attend some alanon meetings or do some therapy, you would get some clarity about what it is you want in your life.
If you want him to be part of your life, let him know, if you don't, he's allowed to do whatever he wants, and quite frankly, it doesn't make him a bad or evil person. He's not a toy, or a puppy, you can't just keep him "on a string" or "not want to play with him" but "not want anyone else to play with him either.
Poop or get off the pot is what my daddy always told me.
I just reread this, I come off very cold, I don't mean to be, my point is, if you want him, go get him, if you don't, let him go.
Last edited by Ago; 04-04-2009 at 06:09 PM.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Idaho
Posts: 123
thank you all so much for responding/caring.
Ago,
Thank you. You are right, and i have discussed this with my counselor- today as a matter of fact. I guess what i'm so hurt about is the fact that he has told me he loves me, i've always been there through thick or thin, blablabla and that he understands that "right now" - which is what i've said, i always told him about how he needs to concentrate on himself "right now", WE will come later. and he told me he was okay with that and willing to wait.
Then i get jealous (yes, i started this) and i bring up my feelings about it and he becomes cruel and says hurtful things to me.
I get it. I get he felt backed into a corner, maybe, but i guess my question is, how do I survive this? How do I handle this i.e., get over the jealousy, the hurt. i have been there for him and listened to him and been a very good friend-and the one time i cause a "bump", he tells me that i have problems and he can't listen to my problems because he is feeling good and he's not going to let me ruin that.
Isn't speaking ones feelings part of any relationship? HOW do i help myself? HOW do i make myself feel better? HOW do i LET GO?
Ago,
Thank you. You are right, and i have discussed this with my counselor- today as a matter of fact. I guess what i'm so hurt about is the fact that he has told me he loves me, i've always been there through thick or thin, blablabla and that he understands that "right now" - which is what i've said, i always told him about how he needs to concentrate on himself "right now", WE will come later. and he told me he was okay with that and willing to wait.
Then i get jealous (yes, i started this) and i bring up my feelings about it and he becomes cruel and says hurtful things to me.
I get it. I get he felt backed into a corner, maybe, but i guess my question is, how do I survive this? How do I handle this i.e., get over the jealousy, the hurt. i have been there for him and listened to him and been a very good friend-and the one time i cause a "bump", he tells me that i have problems and he can't listen to my problems because he is feeling good and he's not going to let me ruin that.
Isn't speaking ones feelings part of any relationship? HOW do i help myself? HOW do i make myself feel better? HOW do i LET GO?
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
Speaking one's feelings IS part of any relationship, cdk.
But he is not responsible for reacting to you in the way you want him to. He is his own person, looking for his own path. You're your own person, looking for yours. He's not responsible for you and vice versa.
Do you want him? Do you want the uncertainty and doubt and deception and anger back into your life? (you're getting a little refresher course on his abusive anger, just in case you forgot)
Or do you just NOT want someone ELSE to have him? And if so...do you think that's fair?
These are really hard things to face. I know: I went through it too. Several times in my life, my ego has been tied up with men who I didn't exactly want back in my life, but was jealous of anyway.....I really, really had to work my counseling relationship to get through to the other side of this, figure out why it hurt so much, and practice healthier ways of thinking.
The first few days were the hardest. Then it started to get easier, as I worked my recovery and loosened my death grip on them, finger by finger.
I'm sorry it's so hard. All I can promise is when you are able to get through this to the other side, you will be a much stronger, saner person.
Hang in there
But he is not responsible for reacting to you in the way you want him to. He is his own person, looking for his own path. You're your own person, looking for yours. He's not responsible for you and vice versa.
Do you want him? Do you want the uncertainty and doubt and deception and anger back into your life? (you're getting a little refresher course on his abusive anger, just in case you forgot)
Or do you just NOT want someone ELSE to have him? And if so...do you think that's fair?
These are really hard things to face. I know: I went through it too. Several times in my life, my ego has been tied up with men who I didn't exactly want back in my life, but was jealous of anyway.....I really, really had to work my counseling relationship to get through to the other side of this, figure out why it hurt so much, and practice healthier ways of thinking.
The first few days were the hardest. Then it started to get easier, as I worked my recovery and loosened my death grip on them, finger by finger.
I'm sorry it's so hard. All I can promise is when you are able to get through this to the other side, you will be a much stronger, saner person.
Hang in there
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
i have been there for him and listened to him and been a very good friend-and the one time i cause a "bump", he tells me that i have problems and he can't listen to my problems because he is feeling good and he's not going to let me ruin that.
I used to get myself all knotted up because my oldest AD was acting like...like..well...an alcoholic/addict! Imagine that! That ungrateful adult child!
I expect nothing of her, zip, zero, nada. She is no longer welcome in my home. She's not interested in any semblance of recovery, and should she ever decide she is, it will take a lot of continuous and hard-earned recovery on her part before I ever trust again. We're talking years of recovery, not a few piddling months.
I'd rather stay single the rest of my life than settle for crumbs, which is what I did for far too long.
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