going back to the lion's den
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Join Date: Feb 2009
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going back to the lion's den
well, the council has notified me that they have assigned me a nice flat in a good neighborhood. it will be available on the 20th. i'm pleased, scared, tired, well, you got the idea.
after much reflection, i've decided to return to the UK to view it prior accepting it. i just don't feel comfortable taking a flat without seeing it first. i can view it on monday, they said, and make a decision. it felt important to be back in the area, as they will be working on the flat from monday until the 20th and it means if i like it, i can have a say in what they do.
which means i'll be back living with ABF.
here's the codie part. ABF will be in Ireland, until monday morning. i haven't told him about the council house assignment, nor that i plan to return home.
i planned my trip deliberately to get to our apartment before his return from ireland. this is so i can see the state of the place and what's been going on while i've been away in america for a month.
i know that i shouldn't care what he's been doing but i do. i know i'm moving out now on the 20th and it's as if i want to catch him redhanded, to strenthen my resolve, to prove to myself that he's still a liar and a cheat. does anyone understand? am i totally off base with this one?
after much reflection, i've decided to return to the UK to view it prior accepting it. i just don't feel comfortable taking a flat without seeing it first. i can view it on monday, they said, and make a decision. it felt important to be back in the area, as they will be working on the flat from monday until the 20th and it means if i like it, i can have a say in what they do.
which means i'll be back living with ABF.
here's the codie part. ABF will be in Ireland, until monday morning. i haven't told him about the council house assignment, nor that i plan to return home.
i planned my trip deliberately to get to our apartment before his return from ireland. this is so i can see the state of the place and what's been going on while i've been away in america for a month.
i know that i shouldn't care what he's been doing but i do. i know i'm moving out now on the 20th and it's as if i want to catch him redhanded, to strenthen my resolve, to prove to myself that he's still a liar and a cheat. does anyone understand? am i totally off base with this one?
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Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Arlington, VA
Posts: 4,290
Congrats on the potential new home! How wonderful for you!
I understand wanting to return without warning to see the state of the old place. I see no harm in doing that. You are seeking more confirmation that your perceptions and suspicions are accurate.
I wonder thought if you can find some place to stay until the 20th. Friends maybe? It jsut can get dangerous when you stay past the time you announce you are leaving.
I understand wanting to return without warning to see the state of the old place. I see no harm in doing that. You are seeking more confirmation that your perceptions and suspicions are accurate.
I wonder thought if you can find some place to stay until the 20th. Friends maybe? It jsut can get dangerous when you stay past the time you announce you are leaving.
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Join Date: Feb 2009
Location: London, UK
Posts: 927
Hey naive :ghug3
That is brilliant news about the new flat. I wish you all the luck in the world with that. It will be great to build yourself a new home. It is an exciting time.
If you go back on Monday do you have to move back into the place you shared with the ABF? Is there anywhere else you can crash for those couple of weeks?
I remember what you said about your ABF. That he has very similar traits to those the A in my life had. And I am worried for you. I'm not saying that he will do anything to harm you but the possibility is there and I would hate anything to happen to you. You think that once you are leaving that it should put things on an even keel. That he wouldn't possibly hurt you because you are no longer his GF you are just another member of society and the social conventions of not going around hurting another human being will keep you safe right? As Barbara said and as I know to my cost, it can get even more dangerous once you annouce your departure.
I understand your reasoning for going back when you are and that you want to see for yourself what has been happening while you are away. Please, just do it safely: physically and emotionally.
That is brilliant news about the new flat. I wish you all the luck in the world with that. It will be great to build yourself a new home. It is an exciting time.
If you go back on Monday do you have to move back into the place you shared with the ABF? Is there anywhere else you can crash for those couple of weeks?
I remember what you said about your ABF. That he has very similar traits to those the A in my life had. And I am worried for you. I'm not saying that he will do anything to harm you but the possibility is there and I would hate anything to happen to you. You think that once you are leaving that it should put things on an even keel. That he wouldn't possibly hurt you because you are no longer his GF you are just another member of society and the social conventions of not going around hurting another human being will keep you safe right? As Barbara said and as I know to my cost, it can get even more dangerous once you annouce your departure.
I understand your reasoning for going back when you are and that you want to see for yourself what has been happening while you are away. Please, just do it safely: physically and emotionally.
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Join Date: May 2006
Location: UK
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or get your stuff into storage while he is away and go camping for the fortnight: its the easter holidays, YAY!
or look into a volunteering holiday,
an example is here:
Thistle Camps - Home : Welcome go to highlands and islands and click on kintail, says its full, but on the front-page they say they have a number of vacancies.... anyway its just an example.
cost £65 for concessions, pick up and drop off at edinburgh if needed. I know that's perhaps a lot with moving expenses, but how much would that time cost you at "home": its accomodation for a week, with food, doing conservation work in beautiful countryside, with a group of young motivated people, great on your cv, spiritually uplifting, physically draining (less time for crazy-making thoughts), FUN, serene, chance to make new friends... spend the rest of the time travelling slowly up there on pre-booked cheap public transport, youth hosteling/camping and coming back again, or crashing at mates house.
OR you could go back to setting your alarm to wake up when the drunken marrauder appears and keep sniffing for smoke, whilst he rages at you, calls you names and accuses you of things and.......?
hugs C.eri (changed my user name)
or look into a volunteering holiday,
an example is here:
Thistle Camps - Home : Welcome go to highlands and islands and click on kintail, says its full, but on the front-page they say they have a number of vacancies.... anyway its just an example.
cost £65 for concessions, pick up and drop off at edinburgh if needed. I know that's perhaps a lot with moving expenses, but how much would that time cost you at "home": its accomodation for a week, with food, doing conservation work in beautiful countryside, with a group of young motivated people, great on your cv, spiritually uplifting, physically draining (less time for crazy-making thoughts), FUN, serene, chance to make new friends... spend the rest of the time travelling slowly up there on pre-booked cheap public transport, youth hosteling/camping and coming back again, or crashing at mates house.
OR you could go back to setting your alarm to wake up when the drunken marrauder appears and keep sniffing for smoke, whilst he rages at you, calls you names and accuses you of things and.......?
hugs C.eri (changed my user name)
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Join Date: Mar 2009
Posts: 741
What about staying in a hostel? Like the kind college students (or the folks on Lonely Planet) use when they travel? It wouldn't be paradise but it would be cheap and clean and keep you out of your ABF's way.
Just a thought.
Just a thought.
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Join Date: Feb 2009
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thanks for the support and feedback. i'm relieved that you don't think i'm crazy for wanting to see what's been going on in my absence.
tallulah, i hear you when you say that the leaving time can be a dangerous one with an A. so far, i haven't told him i'm leaving him, although i have said i plan to get my own place which doesn't appear to bother him.
what do you think about not telling him i'm breaking up with him until AFTER i am settled in my new place? once i'm there, i plan to go no contact but until then, i will need to interact with him, at least to move my things.
i can not move my things into storage before his return because i will only have 10 hours alone, and after travelling for 25 hours, i would imagine i will need to rest.
ceri, what a great tip with the thistle camps...i took a look at it this morning and will keep it in mind if i feel a need to clear out. it's right up my alley, as i'm an ex-peace corps volunteer.
i do have a friend in the country that i can live with, should i need to escape. she's very overcrowded but she has a caravan in her backyard i could stay in, should push come to shove. camping/hostelling is always an option also. my mother says she'll give me a bit of money to go home with, so that gives me a bit of breathing room.
so, your feedback on delaying the breakup until i have moved out would be helpful. to me, that seems to minimize the risk of arguments. tallulah, i am paying attention to what happened to you. i plan to not argue nor make any points or stands until i am safely in my new home.
tallulah, i hear you when you say that the leaving time can be a dangerous one with an A. so far, i haven't told him i'm leaving him, although i have said i plan to get my own place which doesn't appear to bother him.
what do you think about not telling him i'm breaking up with him until AFTER i am settled in my new place? once i'm there, i plan to go no contact but until then, i will need to interact with him, at least to move my things.
i can not move my things into storage before his return because i will only have 10 hours alone, and after travelling for 25 hours, i would imagine i will need to rest.
ceri, what a great tip with the thistle camps...i took a look at it this morning and will keep it in mind if i feel a need to clear out. it's right up my alley, as i'm an ex-peace corps volunteer.
i do have a friend in the country that i can live with, should i need to escape. she's very overcrowded but she has a caravan in her backyard i could stay in, should push come to shove. camping/hostelling is always an option also. my mother says she'll give me a bit of money to go home with, so that gives me a bit of breathing room.
so, your feedback on delaying the breakup until i have moved out would be helpful. to me, that seems to minimize the risk of arguments. tallulah, i am paying attention to what happened to you. i plan to not argue nor make any points or stands until i am safely in my new home.
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Join Date: Feb 2009
Location: London, UK
Posts: 927
My ex seemed to be cool with me leaving. I did the 'keep myself small' and only talked about the logistics and still the conversation got turned to the relationship or the way I was leaving and used as a tool to be unpleasant.
One thing I have learned is nothing about leaving can be predicted. There was no reason or need for what happened to me to happen. But it did..
If I had my time again, I would have said nothing, got a place for my stuff and removal men organised, post re-directed etc. and just moved out when he was at work. Not a nice way to go and not ideal but (with hindsight) probably safest. But then comes the post move out and there are probably the same dangers there.
I don't want to worry you unnecessarily naive. But.. just keep yourself safe. :ghug
One thing I have learned is nothing about leaving can be predicted. There was no reason or need for what happened to me to happen. But it did..
If I had my time again, I would have said nothing, got a place for my stuff and removal men organised, post re-directed etc. and just moved out when he was at work. Not a nice way to go and not ideal but (with hindsight) probably safest. But then comes the post move out and there are probably the same dangers there.
I don't want to worry you unnecessarily naive. But.. just keep yourself safe. :ghug
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Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Arlington, VA
Posts: 4,290
Originally Posted by naive 
what do you think about not telling him i'm breaking up with him until AFTER i am settled in my new place? once i'm there, i plan to go no contact but until then, i will need to interact with him, at least to move my things.
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yes, like you barbara, i have not said much other than i am reaching my limit and also, that i will leave him if he doesn't quit that bouncer job, which ensures he will be drunk thursday, friday and saturday and home quite late.
he has never responded in any way and continues to go to this job, even though i have said i will leave him if he continues. he also denies he has a drinking problem. in his mind, A's can't walk, get the shakes, etc. and since he can walk and doesn't have the shakes, he's not one.
i rang him today, just to make sure he was leaving for ireland, which he is. although, in my opinion, he was leaving too late to make his flight. plus, he had booked no accomodation, didn't know where he was parking his car at the airport, didn't know what time the train was to meet his kids, didn't have enough money, the electricity had run out in our house, etc. etc.
he has never responded in any way and continues to go to this job, even though i have said i will leave him if he continues. he also denies he has a drinking problem. in his mind, A's can't walk, get the shakes, etc. and since he can walk and doesn't have the shakes, he's not one.
i rang him today, just to make sure he was leaving for ireland, which he is. although, in my opinion, he was leaving too late to make his flight. plus, he had booked no accomodation, didn't know where he was parking his car at the airport, didn't know what time the train was to meet his kids, didn't have enough money, the electricity had run out in our house, etc. etc.
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Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: Minnesota
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It sounds like you have a great plan! I don't think you are crazy at all.. maybe because I'd be the same way.. but still 
This whole thing has played out like a really interesting book. Don't leave us hanging once you get back!
This whole thing has played out like a really interesting book. Don't leave us hanging once you get back!
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Join Date: Feb 2009
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cherie-
you all will be the first to have the "apartment report"...it's a bit nerve-wracking never knowing what i'm walking into in my own home! i won't miss that in the future, for sure.
last time i was spring cleaning the kitchen, i ran into two pair of women's knickers ontop of one of the cabinets! of course, he had no idea how they got there and they certainly weren't mine.
i'm wondering if the lock is still on my door....
i want to say thank you to everyone here because if it weren't for you, i would never have gone to request my own flat and declare myself "about to be homeless" to the council. i clearly recall my reluctance to speak of my situation to anyone and truly only went because it was unanimous here that i take some action. i wouldn't even have thought of that path on my own, or many other things actually.
and now, only one month later, the window of opportunity has opened and i might have a chance of freedom by the 20th. i would never have believed it one month ago. we truly are stronger together and even though you are "people in the computer", you have made a huge difference in my outlook, and in my life. thank you for helping me.
naive
you all will be the first to have the "apartment report"...it's a bit nerve-wracking never knowing what i'm walking into in my own home! i won't miss that in the future, for sure.
last time i was spring cleaning the kitchen, i ran into two pair of women's knickers ontop of one of the cabinets! of course, he had no idea how they got there and they certainly weren't mine.
i'm wondering if the lock is still on my door....
i want to say thank you to everyone here because if it weren't for you, i would never have gone to request my own flat and declare myself "about to be homeless" to the council. i clearly recall my reluctance to speak of my situation to anyone and truly only went because it was unanimous here that i take some action. i wouldn't even have thought of that path on my own, or many other things actually.
and now, only one month later, the window of opportunity has opened and i might have a chance of freedom by the 20th. i would never have believed it one month ago. we truly are stronger together and even though you are "people in the computer", you have made a huge difference in my outlook, and in my life. thank you for helping me.
naive
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Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Boston
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naive-- congrats on the quick news about your new flat! How exciting!
I also see nothing wrong in waiting to tell him you are OUTTA THERE!! You do what feels safe and best for YOU! Pity we can't carry boxes here in cyberspace but we will be with you!!
peace-
b
I also see nothing wrong in waiting to tell him you are OUTTA THERE!! You do what feels safe and best for YOU! Pity we can't carry boxes here in cyberspace but we will be with you!!
peace-
b
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