silkspin

Hi all,

This week has been a tough one. Last few weeks have been good, making progress, attending meetings, journalling and meditating. Been handling things with AH pretty well and he is also still sober (4 months) and actively in recovery.

I received an email from an Al Anon friend from where I used to live. She is a wonderful person who has been through many years of pain, and she was happy to report that she has found someone, they have a healthy and wonderful relationship and that she is head over heels at the moment. I am sooo happy for her, she deserves it absolutely and has also been a tremendous help and support for me. But her story made me sad, and I've spiralled into a funk. Although I know she's in a new relationship so it's different, but I still feel that at this point in my life, I don't want what I have. I am in the prime of my life, I want an intimate and soulful connection with my husband as I see so many others around me. A few friends of mine have wonderful relationships, they find their husbands attractive and engaging etc. Currently, I don't. I've coped with years of declining intimacy, anger, resentment etc. I know now that I let myself have this, but of course all with good intentions to 'bring' us back to our original relationship.

I've contacted a counselor. I want individual therapy and AH has agreed to couples therapy too. He is trying, I'll give him that, but I just don't feel him anymore the way I used to. Of course now that I've learned a lot from Alanon, I understand that I don't know what a healthy relationship is, so I want to try couples counseling to see if, once I learn more about being healthy with him, there is a chance to rekindle/repair things. But maybe I'm in conflict because I already know it's too late. I don't trust that feeling completely though, because all of my knowledge before Alanon was based on somewhat dysfunctional thinking/acting.

So just needed to vent. I forgave myself last night for wallowing, and allowed it and trying to see it as an opportunity for me to acknowledge and work through my feelings. But it's so hard. I feel dejected, torn, heartbroken. I'm going to a meeting this aft and I hope it will help to raise my spirits and help me get back on track. But any words of wisdom and encouragement are appreciated.

laurie6781

Just remember you are seeing OTHERS OUTSIDES not their insides. You are seeing THEIR PUBLIC SIDE not what really goes on.

I think one on one counseling for yourself is great. Couples counseling will probably help also, but at this time I would go with just the one on one for you, your alanon and your AH continue his recovery. Get too MUCH COUNSELING going at one time and you will get more confused instead of less confused.

J M H O

Love and hugs,

ps. getting on the pity pot once in a while is 'mind opening'.

Glenna9802

That is true about other people's outsides versus their insides. I get jealous of people who seem to "get it" more than I do in Al-Anon as far as their recovery, sometimes not remembering that they also struggle. No person or relationship is as perfect as it sometimes seems. I have to remember that too

GiveLove

silkspin,

I'm sorry you're sad. But your heart doesn't sound broken to me. It sounds like it's trying like crazy to tell you what it really wants, and you're keeping on the earmuffs.

One of the hardest things I've ever had to face was the day I could no longer deny that the relationship I had was no longer working for me. I had grown, evolved, unfolded, and "he" had not, could not.

Let your jealousy be your compass.

Hugs,
GL

CatsnDogs4Me

Just my 2 cents ... Try out individual therapy - it's been great for me, and I would recommend giving that a shot for a while before trying couples counseling. Just for me, it became confusing sorting out my needs vs. the relationship needs when going to both. I find the more I can focus on me, the stronger I become, and I think (and hope) that it makes me a better, healthier person to participate in any relationship - whether it's reconciling with my AH or with someone else down the road some day. I feel very similiar to how you do in your relationship - whether there's just too much damage done to recover - & how great it would to be happy in a relationship like other couples I know - so I empathize with you. I guess only time will tell for both us. **{Hugs}}

JoBloggs

Silkspin, I empathize too, I am feeling very much like you're describing. But my view is hang on in there for a while. Isn't it possible that we feel this way because we are trying to find a healthier way to relate to our AHs (or future SOs!!!) and that we don't get the fabulous co-dependent highs that we used to, the top of the rollercoaster? Isn't that an addiction too? To the adrenaline-filled emotional rollercoaster?

Keep walking your path - one day at a time! I hope you have a better day today! X

silkspin

Thanks everyone, I am feeling better today. I tried keeping the 'pity' to a time frame. I did get to my meeting yesterday and then went for coffee with other members, one in particular who I will likely ask to be my sponsor. She really helped to make me feel better, and basically told me that I need to be patient with the process. I told her that I had intended to start my step work this week, and I went to bed early one night and settled down with a pen and a fresh page, and went to the first question in one of the Al Anon books that helps guide through the steps. And my pen froze. So although I've been feeling better etc, I am still holding back, and my funk was a part of it I think. I have to 'truly' let go, and deep down I still haven't.

I'm going to an Al Anon day with her tomorrow - speakers and members from other groups, and maybe that will help get me past this wall.

Thanks all of your support. I will start with an individual counseling session and take it from there. JoBloggs, you are right. The things I've done in an unhealthy way contributed to my whole situation, so I'm not totally trusting myself to have the right way of doing things just yet. That's why I'm hanging on.