Update: Not doing trial move-in period
 

Thanks to everyone for their feedback on my post a few days ago regarding a 2 week trial move-in period with my AH, who while not drinking around me at long last, is still drinking & was willing to commit to not drinking for 2 weeks while also moving in with me during that time after a 1 year separation. Although I was the one who suggested it, to get things moved out of the stale-mate in our relationship, I was having massive anxiety within 12 hours of talking about. So, last night, I told him about my anxiety, insomnia, etc. about the move-in period. Told him I thought it was likely setting us up to fail, which wasn’t fair to him, me, or the relationship. Told him I thought he needed to work on being sober full-time before we tried living together again, etc. It was so hard for me – I was so nervous leading up to the conversation, which fortunately I had played through in my head (and on paper) a number of times before speaking the words. As I expected, m AH was very upset – thought I was overreacting; was mad at me for even suggesting the move-in period in the first place; etc. He listened to me, told me he needed time to process it, and basically stormed out of the house. He called a little while later to apologize for slamming the door on his way out & then called about an hour later sounding much calmer (and amazingly, not drunk) to discuss it further. I told him I had concerns that our marriage counselor was really working out for us, especially in light of her flakiness over the past couple of months – offering up out-of-the blue recommendations; forgetting appointments; forgetting major things we’ve told her about the relationship; etc. He agreed he wasn’t thrilled with her either. So, we’ve decided to take a break from sessions with her & focus back on sessions with our own individual therapists. I know for me, lately, the marriage counselor just left me more confused & questioning myself after each session. My sessions with my own therapist, in contrast, generally are much more productive. I may not always like what I have to face with her, but she has helped me so much in the past couple of years. So, I’m going to work on putting the focus back on me and spend some time thinking about how I do want to live the rest of my life. I’ve been giving a lot of thought to the posts about pinnning our happiness to someone else’s actions/inactions, and I need to figure out what that means to me. Thanks for reading & for your support.

Cats&Dogs, I have nothing but respect for you for following your gut -- anxiety and insomnia are huge signs and not to be ignored.

Is he willing to be sober for a while before trying this? Or is he assuring you he is, but your gut knows he isn't? Just curious whether you were able to broach that sensitive subject.....I could well understand if you had enough on your plate already!

I may be way off base here....

but that sounds great

You two navigated a difficult situation and you have a plan for yourself for moving forward.

Good for you

:c011:

Sounds great to me, certainly positive. Way to go!

Good for you!

:You_Rock_

How do you see yourself the rest of your life? With a drunk for a husband?

OK, I'll try and be kind. How is your husband to be around not drunk? How often does he get drunk?

You've been apart for a year, you can be without him. Is your husband dead weight to you? A couple, should share in their future together. Work for common goals. Your goal isn't thinking about getting drunk on a weekend like us alcoholics are.


Point blank, you've been apart a year, he still drinks. What changes have you both made to get back together again?

Some habits are annoying, some habits like drinking and drugging, lead to destructive behavior.

I don't know your husband's drinking habits, you do!

We can toss out suggestions to you but, you have to live with what you decide.

Wishing the best for you in what ever you decide

Good for you! I know how difficult that conversation was for you to bring up! :ghug :ghug :ghug

CAPTAINZING2000, Thanks for all the great questions in your response. Some real thought-provoking ones - not all of which I have answers for yet. I'm not sure about how to use the quote function here, so here's my copy & paste version...

Q: How do you see yourself the rest of your life? With a drunk for a husband?
A: I don’t see myself living the rest of my life with a drunk for a husband. I’ve told him that I will not live with an actively drinking alcoholic. I can easily see myself living as a single person the rest of my life. I haven’t once felt lonely since I moved out a year ago. I can easily entertain myself and have good friends and family for support. I don’t mind going out places on my own if the mood strikes me. I would like to have a romantic relationship again. Sadly, I haven’t had physical or emotional romantic feelings for my AH in well over a year.

Q: How is your husband to be around not drunk? How often does he get drunk?
A: He’s OK to be around when he’s not drunk. On the positive side, he can be very funny and kind. He’s a very sensitive person who doesn’t have a problem expressing his feelings. He’s a writer by trade, so he’s good at chatting with people & making them feel comfortable opening up to him. He’s very easy-going and doesn’t get worked up about things very often. He was born in the 50s and definitely has a bit of a hippie-vibe going on. On the negative side, I sometimes find his chatting to be a bit boring … he goes on & on about things & brings up the same stories over & over again. And, his humor is a bit offbeat & can come across a bit in appropriate at times. He can also be very emotional and needy –two traits I have a hard time having patience for any more. I know most women would love to have their husband/boyfriend open up more about their feelings, but be careful what you wish for – you may get more than you bargained for. When we were living together, he was getting drunk 4-5 nights a week. Since we separated, I don’t ask & don’t know how often he drinks. I know he’s lied in the past about how much he drinks, so I don’t bother asking because I think he’d skew the truth.

Q: You've been apart for a year, you can be without him. Is your husband dead weight to you? A couple should share in their future together. Work for common goals. Your goal isn't thinking about getting drunk on a weekend like us alcoholics are.
A: Honestly, yes, I sometimes feel like he’s a dead weight to me, but then waves of guilt (probably unearned guilt) wash over me, and I feel like there must be something good there deep down that’s keeping me from leaving him all together. It’s been a long time since we’ve talked about common goals for our future. And, yes, for me those don’t include getting drunk 4-5x/week. That’s a very good topic for us to discuss. I really don’t know what his goals for the future are for us. I have a good idea of what mine would be, though. He’s a very much go-with-the-flow, don’t-need-to-plan-too-much, kind of guy; I’m more the save- and-plan kind of girl.

Q: Point blank, you've been apart a year, he still drinks. What changes have you both made to get back together again?
A: We’ve both been going individual and marriage counseling to work on ourselves. I’ve become better about expressing my feelings so that at least he knows what’s going on inside of me; he may not like it, but I’m done pretending everything’s OK while I’m dying inside. We’ve also worked on our communication skills & have learned to recognize that we see & interpret things very differently, so we have a better understanding of that. He’s finally holding down a steady full-time job; he’s held it for nearly two years, which is the longest he’s been at one place since 2000-2003. He also finally paid me back money he’s owed me for about 2 years. So, he’s working on his financial responsibilities.

That is something deep down in you, not in him.

L

Hmmm ... good point ... I guess I mean something good in the relationship that's keeping me from throwing in the towel. Now if I can just figure out what it is...

It's not in him, and it's not in the relationship. It's in you.

L

What if there isn't anything? What if its habit or familiarity?

Sometimes relatinships just die. And that's ok.

We're so programmed as a society, we're made to feel less than whole without a significant other.

That's wrong

I think when you are experiencing difficulty.. whe you are hurting in a relationship.. it is easy to stop feeling those romantic and intimate feelings for your partner. It's one of the things you protect.. your heart. I can empathize.

The positive thing is you are exploring where you are and are open minded and you are doing this along with your partner. And you are being realistic. Whatever the outcome, you won't be left with 'what if's'.. which is the worst thing you can be left with imho.

You sound like you are really on track.. Good luck.. :ghug