tallulah

Hey C.. hope things are going well for you.. :ghug

I've been offline for a few days but I wanted to say this to you..

Do you really want to give your precious heart to someone who isn't able to see what a phenomenal, special woman you are? (If he is capable of changing his mind so quickly.. wanting you, then not wanting you, then coming back into your life and giving you all kinds of mixed messages, then he's clearly not respecting you and your feelings). Why do we tend to forget that a relationship is a two way street?

I think you need to look at what your priorities are and what your hopes and dreams for YOU are. Redirect it and focus on you. Approach the situation with an attitude that says, 'I'm a great person, and I have a lot to offer the man I choose to have a relationship with'. Put yourself on an equal plane with the other person: then you are not coming from a place of weakness or inferiority but a place where you are more
confident and hopeful.

Glenna9802

I needed to read that, tallulah...thanks!!

Crazy4Him

Tallhlah I'm not doing so well, at all. Still going NC not answering his calls but I'm sick to my stomach thinking about what he may be doing or who he's doing it with. I know that he's going to start dating one of my co-workers, I just know it and it's going to make me look like the fool that I already know I am. Then I don't know what I'm going to do. I try so hard to do things for myself and keep myself busy but at the end of the day it all comes back around to me lying in bed crying. No one in my life has ever hurt me like this.

Everything I ever felt for him was real. Everything. I was ALWAYS sober, I was never playing games, nothing. All I wanted was for us to be happy. It's so hard to know that he never gave a damn.

Freedom1990

You can put the big stick down now, dear. You're not a fool. Do you have any idea how many of us have been suckered in by abusive manipulative partners?

Sit down and write a letter to him. Do NOT send it to him. Do it for yourself. Pour out every emotion you are feeling-the anger, the pain, all of it. Then tuck that letter away and come back to it in a month and see how you feel then. Add to it, change it, do whatever you want with it. You'll know when it's finally done. Then burn the damned thing.

I've done that more than once. I did that when I made the mistake of allowing my oldest AD to move in temporarily and she wreaked havoc, sucked her then 15 year old sister into her sickness, and I was livid.

It felt good to get it all out and to own it. I wrote and rewrote that letter three times before it was done. It was a cathartic experience for me.

:ghug :ghug :ghug

tallulah

Hey C..

Firstly well done you for keeping your NC going. I know it must be really difficult so kudos to you.

Now to the stinkin’ thinkin’… because that is what it is. Even though you were unhappy with your situation you still love him and you are still bonded to him right? Perfectly normal. You know what, even after what the A did to me I still love the guy. You don’t just turn those feelings off like a tap (well not unless you are devoid of feeling). So don’t beat yourself up about feeling a normal reaction to the thought that he may easily replace you with another. Truth is.. you can’t be replaced. You are one of a kind. I bet my ex is already out there fishing for his next hostage, if he hadn't already found her before I left.. I feel sorry for her. I bet deep down.. knowing what you know of this guy.. I'm sure you feel sorry for his next conquest too. I bet if you had known what you know now.. if you could visit your self in the past 24 hours before you met your ex.. you'd tell yourself to swerve him like your life depended on it.

When you start to feel sad about this and him, when you start to miss him, when you start to wonder about him and who he may or may not be dating.. get out one of his more nasty, manipulative emails or texts and read it. I swear when you do it’ll haul you straight back to reality.

What you felt was real… and it can and will be felt again… just with someone who deserves it and nurtures it.

Crazy4Him

The other night at work I wrote THIS IS ABUSE at the top of a piece of paper, then wrote, in quotes, every horrible thing he's ever said to me. I wrote without stopping and filled the entire page, then I sporadically filled the OTHER side of the page throughout the night as they came to me. Every time I want to call him or think about him with another woman I'll force myself to look at it.

TakingCharge999

Hi Crazy!!

Have you gone to individual counseling? yesterday I went to a therapist, and she told me that all my feelings towards my ex BF were not really that much about him, but about past hurts. It may help you put things into perspective. I feel really good when I talk to someone and have my feelings acknowledged. I seeked that acknowledgement from the Ex, common friends, coworkers, parents, you name it. No one understood but the guys here in this message board. No one listened like my therapist does. When I am with her I feel I am as important as the Ex and anyone else. Its great.

I too, am/was tormented with him, imagining him with someone else. After a month of our break up this became true. She goes to all the company gatherings. Which I avoid, of course, and will keep avoiding. None of my coworker's "friendship" is worth witnessing them together. Give me pizza at home anytime LOL.

He already presented her to all the coworkers and common friends. I felt like such an idiot crying my heart out and looking like a zombie when he was already with someone else. But the feeling has passed. Now I think I am not an idiot, I am very intelligent - why? because I have the strength to look back on my mistakes, and I protect my heart, I deal with the feelings without distractions. Because I do not use people. If I wished, I could get anyone and offer him this:

"Hi stranger. Help me feed my ego. Help me distract me from my deep rooted issues. I will use you until I get tired or bored about you. If you are good looking, I will parade you all around, like a prize. For now, just have sex with me, and walk with me so I do not feel the loneliness I am so scared of. Be my joker"

No siree, when I am with someone, I will offer him my pure heart and soul.

She is not my coworker but she is often at the office, when he arrives its because he drove her to her work (so they always sleep together..), when he is around after 6 its because he is waiting for her so they can go to their home and go at it. Because many times I am driving and they are next to me going to the home we shared once. I know all that, because that's what WE did. AND he dedicated the same song he dedicated me once.

I say that not to torture you with more obsessive thoughts, but to let you know that eventhough all this happened and continue happening, because even with my great efforts I keep running into him, and into them - I am able to find peace in my day. Granted, its not easy. Its like Prometheum eating your guts daily.

Remember its not about you or anyone else in his life. EVERYTHING is between Alcohol, and its victim. If someone supports and enables your ex's alcoholism, he or she will be welcome. Anyone that is a menace, disapproves, no longer enables -KAPUT! No further reasoning is needed. He or she will be out of his life.

I have learned that whatever he is doing, its not with me. Whoever he is hurting and lying to- is not me. He is not Charming prince now. My mind would use that to torture me, but what is the reality? He is an active alcoholic. He declared his intention to be one until the very last day of his life. Thus, everytime he opens his mouth is to drink, or to lie to obtain sex, or to work in order to get money in order to get more drinks. I am sad to talk about this guy this way. However, its what he showed me by his acts- its the truth.

So, eventhough its painful, I tend to think: thank God I was strong enough to leave this troubled man. Thank God there is a limit to the hurt he caused. Thank God I am only tied to see him at work, where he has to act decently. Thank God he is respecting my request not to talk to me again. Thank God, because I have asked for His help, and he has sent me great friends and people that remind me how valuable I am, how great life is, to waste it in someone who is not capable of feeling and sharing the love I feel, the love I share.

Keep posting, go to therapy if possible, go to AA/Al anon (I like AA because ppl are wonderful and THEY as alcoholics in recovery tell me time will prove I made the best decision, and life with an alcoholic is HELL), talk to your family and friends, kick, scream, cry all you need.

There are great lessons hidden here, and one I like is:

I CAN feel peace, whatever others think or do. My peace is MINE.

Believe me Crazy4him, you can do it, and if you do not want to leave your job because of the pay, do not leave. I wanted out for a long time, but this is an excellent job, an excellent opportunity / I deserve this job and to earn THIS money. An alcoholic that only knows how to hurt has no relation to my professional life.

However if you find something you like and attracts you, that would be optimal, but try to be selfish and think about what is best FOR YOU. Sometimes we get too emotional, but rationally, if you like YOUR JOB and make A GOOD PAY / you do not have to leave. To me it was like giving him the ultimate power. But you are the only one who knows what's best for you.

Lots of hugs friend!! You CAN do it.

Crazy4Him

I did go to my therapy session on Saturday and while I'm not sure I got what I was expecting, I did feel much better. Then I got to work and realized that my axbf had called in and MAN. It was a good day.

I'm going to go back to the therapist again this Saturday. I am not leaving my job because of exactly what you said. I will not let him take that away from me it's so rare that someone likes their job isn't it? I will never forgive myself once I get over this if I leave my job. I haven't seen/spoken to him since Friday at work and I already feel stronger. He just called, again, I'm sick to my stomach, but I didn't answer.

firestorm090

Hi Crazy4Him,

I was happy to read that you are not giving up your job because of him. He would not be taking it away, you would be giving it up because of him, and you're right, you would always regret that. Hang tough, feeling better will take time, but hang in there. You are worth it and you will be proud of standing your ground when the chips were down.

TakingCharge999

Hi Crazy4Him, I am glad you are moving forward. Knowing my emotions would come in waves has helped me. Time works wonders. Slowly but surely the focus will be back on you, your life, wellbeing, and not so much in him. Easier said than done huh, but we are in this together!!

Live

I just wanted to lend my support and empathy.

It was the same heartbreak and wrecked life and sanity that initially brought me to SR.
I was not as strong as you are, but the wonderful people here helped me so much.

It took time. Too long for me.

But I can absolutely promise you this!: the day will come when you wake up and he is
NOT your first thought.
And that is a special day....just wait and see, you will experience a wonderful relief at that reprieve and you will know you are healing.

TakingCharge999

Hello Crazy4Him, just wondering, how are you doing lately?