tallulah

Ago speaks the truth.

Along with the incident that happened that got me out of the situation I too am going through the same end of relationship feelings. They are hard and there is no diminishing that. Couple that with someone being your co-worker, seeing them every time you go to work and it makes a hard situation more difficult.

Crying is good. It is a release of emotion. Feel it, cry, mourn the loss.
Talking is good. Again it is a release. Talk to friends, post here, go to Al-Anon or maybe some sort of therapy. Get it out of your system in a safe place. Talking to him about your feelings can only bring you more pain. It is like going to the person who slapped you for comfort.
Start doing things to make you feel good. Start doing things to make you look good. Be around people who are healthy and nurturing. Everytime you find yourself slipping into the feelings that are stalling you, do something for you. Take the focus off him.
Keep yourself busy. Keep yourself in the loop. Keep talking. Don't isolate yourself.

The five stages of grief are apparently: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance. They appear in situations like these. Not necessarily in that order, not necessarily for any prescribed period of time and an individual may not go through all of them, but they are recognised stages in a relationship break up. What you are feeling is entirely normal.

Remember previous relationship break ups? You got over those right? And you will get over this too. You may not believe me now but you will come through this.. and wiser, stronger, etc. :ghug

Crazy4Him

I haven't had any previous relationships. Im 22 and he was my first boyfriend. I waited this long because I wanted it to be the right guy. Guess I sure know how to pick em. I'm not sure I can ever do this dating thing, again. Nothing is worth this kind of pain. Maybe I'll grow old alone and adopt a truckload of kids who will be obligated to love me no matter what.

I can't begin to tell you all how thankful I am for you all replying to me and helping me. I need it so much. Maybe one day I'll be healthy enough to offer some advice of my own.

Good news! Thanks to my xabf my stomach has been perpetually sick for the last two weeks so I haven't been able to eat. anything. ever. Because of this I've lost ten pounds and if this keeps up I should have my dream body by the time I go to Cali to visit a friend for my b-day (a vacation that can NOT come soon enough, two more weeks...)

My sincerest thanks to the jerk for that.

Crazy4Him

Oh and no I did not call him today. One whole day. Yay me.

There is not a song in existence that isn't about love in some way shape or form. There just isn't. Forgive me if I'm rambling I just got off work and am hyped up on coffee (barista remember!)

I'm baking cookies and am about to take a CHI to my hair. I will be fabulous tomorrow at work. And he will see me.

tallulah

You usually kiss a few frogs in the dating game C. Don't let one bad apple spoil the whole bunch. There are some lovely men out there. And now you have experienced what you have experienced you have a few more tools in your box to avoid the frogs.

As for the weight loss. Every cloud huh? Just don't let that get unhealthy too. I have been away from the A for (does the calculation) nearly three weeks. Feels longer! Anyhoo, everyone says how well I look. That's down to good sleep, no walking on eggshells and no atmosphere of negativity just calm. If you concentrate on your well-being both physically and mentally then it shows on the outside.

But... be fabulous at work tomorrow for YOU not him.

Crazy4Him

Oh you're a night owl like me!

I'm happy to hear that you're not under the same roof as him anymore and that you are doing so well. You inspire me! I can't even handle work, I cant imagine having to go home to this insanity like you had to. Congrats! :ghug3

After reading all these new posts my stomach is a little more settled. I'm going to try to eat some salmon and veggies, but it's the cookies I'm really looking forward to. Hopefully I can eat most of it.

I just finished my hair and, okay, I will be fabulous for me! I also have my phone off right now which is something I never do. I don't think I'll turn it back on until tomorrow.

You're right, I am happy that I have this lesson now rather than later. Really I love men way too much give them up for good. Notice I used the term MEN. Maybe I'll find myself one of those the next time.

I feel good right now. Much better than this morning. I just hope it doesn't all come crashing down at work tomorrow. I'm going to do everything I can not to let it.

Thanks for listenin.

TakingCharge999

LOL Crazy, yay, I love MEN too. Sometimes I wonder why I prefer to walk among crocodiles? But its good to know how to make the distinction. Many women stay with whatever it is. YUK!

We are living the same life. Today I look great, and bumped into the ex at the coffee room. Another two common friends were there. I said nothing. Went in there, grabbed a Coke, left. Ackward...

Even as it is, he is no longer there harming me more, so. On with the hairdos, makeup, fashion, girly accesories, fitness, etc. You need to do this for YOU! and let's take the extra time to work on ourselves... I like to imagine this year is for an Extreme Makeover inside and outside...

It motivates me to know how happy, healthy and attractive I will be.. for ME... and feeling so much stronger Its a daily struggle but there are some wonderful days, some wonderful moments of "look, it really WON'T get me, my serenity is MINE and YOU cannot take it" that.. keep me going...

We WILL get there!!

Crazy4Him

So-so morning.

Dreamer how long have you been working with you ex? What was your approach after the split? What was his?

Today I have a plan. I will speak to him if spoken to, but I will never speak first. I will try my best to let go of this anger, but I will not allow him entry into my life. I will speak to him at work (if spoken to) but I will never answer the phone when he calls. I will delete his texts without reading them (honestly not sure if I can do this but I will TRY). I will never tell him what I am doing with my life. I will never ask what he's doing or who he's doing it with. My mind has already made me crazy enough with these questions on it's own without the reality stepping in.

Like you said, he is nothing but a co-worker.

I can only pray that one day I will wake up and he wont be the first thing on my mind.

TakingCharge999

Hi Crazy,

Great attitude. No contact. Unless its work related.

Remember its a process. One moment it will suck, another moment you will be able to focus on other stuff. It will all pass. Today I practiced living the present. I ran into him, it was ackward, OK. Then I had to concentrate on work. Then I had a great time having lunch with a coworker. Everything passes. No moment of the past exists anymore. I have found this attitude has helped me, focusing on the PRESENT, on the task at hand.

I came to this city following my ex, we lived together. I arrived to the same company 7 months ago. We broke up in October. Next week or so he had a new girlfriend. I did not know, and we kind of had agreed on taking it easy as "friends". But it was ackward. And it hurt knowing he was having a ball, or so he stated, while I was having a hard time.

The most painful part was when someone informed me in December, that he had a girlfriend. So all that time, when he chatted with me, he acted normally, and all the while already had someone. I met the girl time ago. She drinks more than him. But anyway - Ouch.

That's when I arrived to SR and met with him and asked him not to contact me anymore unless it was work related. I said "for now". Now I know I will NEVER talk to him. Ever. Unless he is in recovery for a few years, but he stated he would drink until the very last day of his life, so, who am I against that. And he said he did not feel well about it, but whatever, he was only looking to be happy. He brings her to the office, parades her daily, comes in smiling with the same clothes as the day before, etc. etc....

We act as if the other one is not there. I try to park somewhere else, even if its not as safe or where I am supposed to be. Tired of running into them. Although I always do. I wear my dark glasses. I wear my ipod. I avoid him like the plague and when I hear him I pump up the value of my Metallica CD. I went no contact with anybody else that remotely reminded me of him. I am struggling with that now, because we have "common" friends.

My first thought is him too, but the more I know about alcoholism, the more convinced I am about why God took him out of my life. Remember, he represents a sinking ship, and you were able to rescue yourself. Not many people have the clarity of mind to do that. Remember its a PROGRESSIVE disease. Remember God has other plans for you.

Accept your feelings whatever they are. Meanwhile, do not hurt yourself or others. That is a great lesson I am learning. No feeling is right or wrong. When you accept them, you release them at the same time.

Bottomline, no contact has been the best option. Take this chance to talk more with your family, to talk more with friends that do not know him, or make new friends. It hurts a lot, but we need to make new memories.

Its funny because its the same scenario, the same actors, but sometimes I start to feel better. Sometimes I run into him and I feel so bad I go cry at home. Sometimes I run into him and I act as if he is not there and feel indifferent. So, its a process. Today I felt really bad in the morning, and now I am OK, thinking about the friends I will see this weekend.

But I am feeling better.

I know he is drinking even more than before, so, as far as I know, the guy I knew is dead, and the body wandering around is a stranger. An evil twin. A victim. A dependent person acting independent.

An active alcoholic in deep denial, with agressive tendencies.

I was sorry to define him this way, but thats reality now. I did my best. I did my 50%. I never hurt him in purpose. I am in peace with myself.

I hope you keep on posting. I now its painful. But it gets better!! We will be with you whatever happens.

Hugs !!

Wascally Wabbit

Barbara52 is right. Why invite the insanity back into your life on a daily basis? You got away from it and it's still biting at your ankles.

I know it hurts like crazy, but the pain goes away, it really does.
The insanity, however does not. Try removing yourself from the insanity for a while. Refuse to answer the phone, emails etc. They give up eventually.

Crazy4Him

I did good at work today. He was doing good, too, until he realized I just might be serious this time. He said hi to me, asked me if I had come up with any ideas about what we should do at work and was all around happy go lucky. I looked at him, stonefaced and said "no" then turned away from him before he could say anything else. Then later that night he comes storming up:

Him: So you're just going to ignore me now?
Me: I'm not ignoring you.
Him: So you're just going to mad dog me all the time?
Me: I'm not mad dogging you.
Him: Is this your big plan? Avoid me completely?
Me: I don't have a plan.

He never even remotely argues with me while we're at work. Never. It surprised me when he came over and said these things, but I think I did well. Walked away from him, again.

He then proceeds to STALK me all over the restaurant. Following me into storage rooms/refrigerators/side stations when he doesn't need anything from them and opening the door to my station for me which is not necessary and something he has never done since we broke up two weeks ago. I kept so cool, I ignored him, I never engaged him, I never made conversation and if he said something to me I kept my answers as short as possible. Eventually he got to the point where he didn't even try to talk to me, he'd just approach and stare at me as if he expected ME to say something. Yeah, no. I had a female coworker of mine stand with me at my station when I knew he was going to be cut from work because he always comes to my station when he leaves. Like I said, he has a facade to uphold, and I knew he wouldn't come at me with his garbage when someone else was standing there. He didn't. Left and went to the bar. Got drunk of course. And wrote me a text.

WROTE ME A TEXT after two days of knowing that I was home alone CRYING HYSTERICALLY he had NOTHING to say to me. Two days. One day at work acting like he doesn't exist and now he's back. He wants to play, some more. How the hell have I been so blind?

He wrote "I don't want you out of my life. I know saying that really hurt you. I think I just want you to realize you'd have to be different for us to be happy. You'd have to let go of your fear and pain and be with me good and bad, but I don't think your ever going to get over the thoughts in your head, so I guess all I can do is try to stop hurting you. Whatever I can do to see you happy, just let me know." It's amazing how he has the ability to call me crazy and continue to cast blame on me for everything in a text that I assume was meant to be some sorry ass apology?

Not interested. Hi, if you tell me to get the hell out of your life and the next day I'm getting the hell out of your life you are NOT ALLOWED TO BE MAD AT ME ABOUT IT.

God. I'm gonna do yoga and try to sleep. My first therapy session is tomorrow. Eeek.

Crazy4Him

I just read my post. I am obsessed with this man.

How the hell did this happen to me?

tallulah

This is nothing to do with his alcoholism. This man is not doing this because he is an alcoholic. This is is HIM. This is controlling and manipulative.

He told you he wanted you out of his life. It hurt you and it was meant to. Now he is seemingly capitulating and owning up to what he has done. WRONG. He is blaming you. You see you'd have to be different for a chance of the 'us' being happy. Note no mention of what he has to bring to the table.

But he is seemingly resigned to that. Now it is acceptance and whatever he can do to make you happy. No he is inviting you to get into a conversation which will end up all about you, your failings, why you are the reason it did not work. There may be some feedback from him about his contribution but rest assured he does not believe it and whatever he says about getting help for it will mean nothing. Actions speak louder than words.

Do not answer his texts or his calls. Speak to your therapist about this and get some clarity and advice before you even consider engaging with this guy.

:ghug

tallulah

C.. read the stickies above about abuse. I swear when you start reading about this stuff it is an eye opener.

Crazy4Him

And Tallulah, NEVER ONCE tonight did I mention the reason why I was mad. Never once did I bring up the words "get the hell out of my life". He knows exactly why I'm pissed, he knows exactly what he did and exactly what he's doing. Ugh.

Crazy4Him

Why do you say this is not the alcohol? How can you tell if it's the man or the drink?

tallulah

Was he drunk when he was at work behaving in that way? Is he always drunk when he manipulates you, emotionally abuses you, verbally abuses you?

I have never yet walked into an off licence or a bar and had a bottle of Chardonnay scream 'you just don't get it do you... this is YOU... you are [add criticism]..' at me. Have you?

People drink. Alcoholics drink. Not all of them play games wth people. Not all of them are abusive etc.

You have probably heard the excuses: he has a problem with alcohol, it makes him act a little crazy, it is not who he his. Soon you don't need to hear them anymore, they are playing in your head and you are using them as excuses without even realising it. It is all about them not taking responsibility. Not addressing their issues. Not fighting their demons. Because to do so would require accountability. So he'd rather take your inventory than his own. Much easier.

It is very difficult to distinguish the alcoholic from the man. That is because they are the same person. He is not possessed by the spirit (excuse the pun) of Jack Daniels. He is responsible for what he does. What could alcohol bring out that wasn't already there?

Crazy4Him

Omg I'm dying. This:

Physical & Emotional Abuse Forum: Some traits of emotional abusers... - DailyStrength

I'm dying. This is HIM.

Crazy4Him

Thank you, Tallulah for telling me to read up on ABUSE. I'm DONE. I'm way too good for this ****.

Just turned my phone back on and he called me and left a long voicemail which he never does. The gist? You were really cold at work, it was terrible, if you want me to leave you alone just tell me, you seemed like you were in a lot of pain, it was weird to see you that cold, oh, did I mention you were cold?"

At least he didn't bother to give me another non-apology in that one. In the article I posted it says that when abusers sense you pulling away they panic. He is panicking.

He is a sick man. A truly sick man. I always suspecting that he was self-loathing but... never like this. Wow.

I'm giving my Sunday shift to my co-worker and I'm going to start looking for another job. It will be hard and I will definitely have to take a huge pay cut (I admit I am painfully overpaid at my restaurant for the job I do) wherever I go but I don't care.

Wow.

tallulah

I'm not sure how alcohol fits into the situation. But I know that taking away the alcohol does not take away the reasons why someone turned to it to self medicate. And I'm of the opinion that until the A looks at themselves... really does the fearless and searching moral inventory, really looks at why, there is no point trying to be around them... it will only make you sick.

I'm not suggesting that by reading around the subjects (alcoholism, abuse etc.) you take his inventory.. but by reading you give yourself knowledge. And as Sir Francis Bacon once said, 'Knowledge is Power'. Arming yourself with knowledge gives you power to do what is right for you.

As for the job and him being your co-worker. Do a list of pros and cons of working there with him. Then do a list of actions you can take (pro-active not re-active) to make your situation working there as pain free as possible. That might include speaking to your boss, re-arranging your shifts so you are not working the same ones, etc.

If the cons outweigh the pros and the actions you can take are ineffectual and limited.. then.. and I hate to say this because you seem to like your job and why should you suffer huh... if I were you I would consider taking another job elsewhere.

In the meantime... for your sanity... try not to engage in contact with this guy other than where you have to to do your job. I'm not naive so I know you will read the stuff he sends you and listen to the voicemails... but instead of responding to him... open up a word document and post your reply there, or post here, or blog here... then leave it. It is not so much the letting them know what you think, but the act of responding that is most important.

:ghug

Ago

Ummm...No

You'd have to be different for him to be happy

This is the same guy that said, "You just have to accept me how I am?"

Sounds like you two would be perfect for each other if you were both just someone else.

The dime drops

I read that article when I got here and it felt like someone had been following us around

Page after page, paragraph after paragraph, as I felt sicker and sicker to my stomach, paragraphs of literally verbatim behavior, I mean word for word, it was like my XAGF's "relationship diagram".

You will notice it says about twenty times, if your partner displays any of these characteristics, run, run fast, run far, but run.

C4H here was my "introductory" thread posted hours after my break up, maybe it will help, see if it "rings any bells".

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...long-post.html

The whole "never ever ever admit to anything, never ever apologize, the problem is always "you", lie even when the evidence is staring you in the face".....The Russian Secret Service could pick up a trick or two from these people.

crazy making

I was rabid when I got here...so angry, so confused, so hurt, I mean batsh1t insane.

I will NEVER forget the first response I got here at SR, Givelove told me even "Dog The Bounty Hunter" would be nicer to me then this person and that she treated me "like dirt" then qualified that by saying, "I actually treat my dirt better then she treats you.

You know, I didn't even SEE i was being treated poorly. I don't know whether or not I felt like I deserved to treated like that or WHAT, but me being "walked on" and "abused" had become "the norm".

Well at least he won't be able to pull some lame@ss Faux pregnancy tactic to get you back like "mine" did.

It's been six months, and my life has TOTALLY turned around, yours can too.

"No Contact" means not listening to his messages, or reading his emails too by the way.

It will just keep you "sick", trust me on this one, that boy is feeding you poison, stop "eating it".

What happens now is he will embark on a systematic campaign of propaganda designed to "break you down" and make you doubt your own "reality" then follow it up with a determined "hearts and flowers" campaign to win you back using a "wall of seduction"

I "fell" for this at least half a dozen times, probably more.