Hi I am new here
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: MO
Posts: 4
Hi I am new here
My AS is 25. He "lives" at our home. He eats, sleeps, showers, washes his clothes. He has been here for about a year. He was discharged from the Marine Corps for using pot. He drinks daily. He is supposed to be saving money to move out on his own but he spends his money on drugs and alcohol.
It's a familiar story I am sure.
He is not nice. He barely speaks to me and never to my husband. He has already been in my face a couple of times and said terrible things to me. He has broken things in our house and stolen things and lied about it all. He does this when my husband is not home. I have been afraid of him and have called the police to remove him. But he of course is always sorry. And I am his mother and want to help.
For the past year we have done all that we know to do. Including admitting him to the hospital and a drug and alcohol awareness program in order to get his drivers license straightened out.
I am at my wits end. It has never been my intention to pay for the party. He has completely rejected his family, including his grandfather who helped raise him and cousins he grew up with like brothers. All of his problems seem to have everything to do with what I did or did not do right.
I am looking for some words of wisdom. Is it wrong for me to give him the boot? If I do how will I sleep at night? There are a lot of details being left out but I have a feeling that they are not much different than a lot of your own situations.
Thanks Z
It's a familiar story I am sure.
He is not nice. He barely speaks to me and never to my husband. He has already been in my face a couple of times and said terrible things to me. He has broken things in our house and stolen things and lied about it all. He does this when my husband is not home. I have been afraid of him and have called the police to remove him. But he of course is always sorry. And I am his mother and want to help.
For the past year we have done all that we know to do. Including admitting him to the hospital and a drug and alcohol awareness program in order to get his drivers license straightened out.
I am at my wits end. It has never been my intention to pay for the party. He has completely rejected his family, including his grandfather who helped raise him and cousins he grew up with like brothers. All of his problems seem to have everything to do with what I did or did not do right.
I am looking for some words of wisdom. Is it wrong for me to give him the boot? If I do how will I sleep at night? There are a lot of details being left out but I have a feeling that they are not much different than a lot of your own situations.
Thanks Z
Being Silent so I can Hear
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: USA
Posts: 2,521
It has nothing to do with what you did or did not do right. He is an adult, and can stand on his own two feet, out of the door to your house.
You didn't cause it.
You can't control it.
You can't cure it.
Only he can do these things.
He is TWENTY-FIVE years old! Time to grow up I'd say.
Get thee to an Al-anon meeting, and I mean that. If there is one thing I can recommend for you to DO, it's that.
You didn't cause it.
You can't control it.
You can't cure it.
Only he can do these things.
He is TWENTY-FIVE years old! Time to grow up I'd say.
Get thee to an Al-anon meeting, and I mean that. If there is one thing I can recommend for you to DO, it's that.
get it, give it, grow in it
Join Date: May 2007
Location: Calif coast
Posts: 3,167
It is time to detach with love, which will help you make approp. decisions.
We learn in al-anon not to do for others what they ought do for themselves
We learn that we don't need to suffer bec. of the actions of others, we must not allow ourselves to be used or abused and we must not prevent a crisis if it is the natural course of events.
When we allow adult addictchildren to live at home most often their addiction progresses as fast or faster than if they weren't at home. We aren't saving them from anything except the very crisis that might lead to change.
I know, I also have an AS.
Get busy on your own recovery. I found alanon a life saver.
My son had to feel the conseq. of his behav. and hit a real low bef.
he went into treatment. When he lived with me his addiction only got worse.
I told him no drugs/alcohol in my home and then followed through and kicked him out for breaking rule.
A month later he went into treatment that I helped him arrange.
No need to feel guilty, cause that won't help
We learn in al-anon not to do for others what they ought do for themselves
We learn that we don't need to suffer bec. of the actions of others, we must not allow ourselves to be used or abused and we must not prevent a crisis if it is the natural course of events.
When we allow adult addictchildren to live at home most often their addiction progresses as fast or faster than if they weren't at home. We aren't saving them from anything except the very crisis that might lead to change.
I know, I also have an AS.
Get busy on your own recovery. I found alanon a life saver.
My son had to feel the conseq. of his behav. and hit a real low bef.
he went into treatment. When he lived with me his addiction only got worse.
I told him no drugs/alcohol in my home and then followed through and kicked him out for breaking rule.
A month later he went into treatment that I helped him arrange.
No need to feel guilty, cause that won't help
get it, give it, grow in it
Join Date: May 2007
Location: Calif coast
Posts: 3,167
The advice is to go at least 6 times bef. you decide if it is right for U.
In my area there are mtgs. just for parents. Get a mtg. directory at your mtg. or on line to see if you have any parent mtgs. nearby.
Reach out. I made a couple of lasting friends from my alanon group.
It really helps to have someone to chat with who relates, and is working on recovery through the program too.
Now that my son has been working on sobriety for a yr. we speak the same lang. since I worked the 12 steps myself through al-anon.
When I took the focus off my son and put it on myself I discovered there was plenty of room to change what I had control over and that was me. I have plenty of my own character defects to keep me busy. I learned to let go and Let a higher power do the work. I am much happier now that I don't try to control the universe or my son, or my hubby, etc.
In my area there are mtgs. just for parents. Get a mtg. directory at your mtg. or on line to see if you have any parent mtgs. nearby.
Reach out. I made a couple of lasting friends from my alanon group.
It really helps to have someone to chat with who relates, and is working on recovery through the program too.
Now that my son has been working on sobriety for a yr. we speak the same lang. since I worked the 12 steps myself through al-anon.
When I took the focus off my son and put it on myself I discovered there was plenty of room to change what I had control over and that was me. I have plenty of my own character defects to keep me busy. I learned to let go and Let a higher power do the work. I am much happier now that I don't try to control the universe or my son, or my hubby, etc.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 1,294
Originally Posted by missescpz 
All of his problems seem to have everything to do with what I did or did not do right.
You can't change him or his choices. You can change your responses to him, and get out of the vicious cycle. You can choose to refuse the blame, and place his responsibility for being an adult back on him. You can put space between your life and his - physically, financially, and emotionally. You can love him, but from a distance, where he cannot disrupt your daily life. These are options, choices YOU can choose.
He's an adult, but he hasn't been acting like one, and you haven't been treating him like one, or expecting him to act like one.
It's entirely fair to expect him to act like an adult, or go find his fortune elsewhere. He owns his choices, you own yours.
He's not the doe-eyed little six year old boy, anymore.
He's an adult, he's choosing to be a useless, parasitic addict, and he will take down your whole family and household, if you let him.
Alanon or Naranon is full of folks whose loved ones got derailed by alcohol or drugs, who can give you their experience, strength and hope to live YOUR life more peacefully, and not controlled by HIS choices.
Welcome!
CLMI
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: MO
Posts: 4
Thanks
Already I am seeing that I am not the only one. That in itself is helpful. There is a parents group that meets tonight in a town not far from mine. I will go and attend. Thank you for taking the time to respond to me.
Z
Already I am seeing that I am not the only one. That in itself is helpful. There is a parents group that meets tonight in a town not far from mine. I will go and attend. Thank you for taking the time to respond to me.
Z
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: MO
Posts: 4
Thanks
Already I am seeing that I am not the only one. That in itself is helpful. There is a parents group that meets tonight in a town not far from mine. I will go and attend. Thank you for taking the time to respond to me.
Z
Already I am seeing that I am not the only one. That in itself is helpful. There is a parents group that meets tonight in a town not far from mine. I will go and attend. Thank you for taking the time to respond to me.
Z
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 1,294
Originally Posted by missescpz
There is a parents group that meets tonight in a town not far from mine. I will go and attend.
CLMI
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