LauraAngel74

Hi all. A little background, I have been seeing a man since the middle of last year. When we first started seeing each other, I realized he was a bit on the moody side. He would go all out to show me how enamored he was of me and then he would pull away. The mood swings caused me to think he was bipolar but then I put two and two together and realized the Jekyl Hyde thing happened almost always when he would drink.

I have spent time with him when it did not appear he was drunk but then I would smell the distinct smell of rum or vodka and he appeared well in control of his faculties. He is 50 years old and his father is an alcoholic although the father does not drink anymore, unfortunately now his son is carrying the familial addiction. He does not drink a lot when we go out, two beers at the most but when he is alone he drinks 5-6 Fresca and Vodkas or Rum and Cokes or 8-9 beers. Most of the time he drinks alone. He doesn't drink everyday maybe 4-5 times a week and at one point he claimed he was quitting, that vow lasted about three days and by the third day, he was cranky and claimed he had such a rough day (he's a computer engineer) he just had to but "don't worry I won't have more than two", well I know for fact that he had at least four while I was there and who knows how many before I got there. When he's sober he's wonderful, the sweetest most incredible man I have ever met but when he is drinking, he either weeps uncontrollably or gets really nasty and belligerent. I hate what the alcohol does to him.

When we first met and he told me he would occassionally unwind after work with one or two drinks, I didn't think anything of it, it seemed he had his drinking under control expect for a few times when he would start sobbing because he believed he was mistreating me because he was unsure of whether or not he wanted to "commit" to me. I would assure him over and over that I was quite happy with the way things are/were and he would continue to sob. Recently, he has become very belligerent, where something so simple like "What do you want to do this weekend" turns into a huge screaming fit on his part. The first time it happened, I was at his house using his computer and he just took offense, either real or imagined, at something I had said and he bellowed "Well F--- You! You're not going to try and control ME" He continued this screaming tirade and I was terrified, having been out of an abusive marriage since 2000. I began to cry and was just terrified. He continued with his rant but as soon as he actually looked at me shaking and terrified, he asked me to please leave. I did. The next day he apologized profusely, claiming he wouldn't do it again. I vowed that whether or not he actually kept this promise that if and when it happened the next time that would be it, I would stand my ground and tell him if he wanted to continue this, he would need to seek help for his apparent alcohol dependency. So it did, this time we were on the phone, he is not a jealous person but he started getting ridiculous asking me if I had been faithful since we started seeing each other and what about the times when we were on the outs (three times) did I go out and f--- someone else and I was completely confused and said no of course not and it didn't sound like he was drinking (no slurring, etc) then he just blew up and started screaming the "F--- You" again so I simply said, "Okay, Richard, when you sober up and start acting like a big boy instead of like a child having a temper tantrum, you may speak to me, until then I don't want to talk to you" and I hung up, he called me this morning profusely apologizing again.

I then told him that I believe he has a big problem with alcohol. He agreed. But from what I have heard from his sister, he has said this before and nothing came from it.

My mother has been in recovery for alcoholism since 1996 and when she was drinking, I was the one who unfortunately took care of her and kept her little secret from my sister and my father. I was a very angry adolescent because of what I saw the alcohol doing to my mother. I alternately loved her and hated the booze. When she finally hit her bottom (my little sister then age 4) declared to my mother that she "stunk like beer and hated the beer", my mother then did a complete 180 and sought treatment and rededicated herself to the Lord and since then, she has been very good.

I know his alcohol problem is not mine but it seems like everyone before me, his sister, his ex wife, and who knows who else never cared enough to give him an intervention or an ultimatum. I want very much to help him and support him through this, I honestly believe he and I are destined for each other. What is the best thing for me to do in this situation? I am a 34 year old legal professional and mother of two gorgeous kids. I know I deserve more than taking care of this man who doesn't appear to love himself but I believe in him and don't want to give up on him.

Help me please and thank you for listening.

Laura

LaTeeDa

See, that's where we get into trouble. Thinking that if we just "believe" in them, or don't "give up" on them that somehow we can "save" them. We see their potential. What a wonderful guy he could be, if only he would stop doing what he is doing.........

I believed in my husband and didn't give up on him for 20 years of my life. All that believing did nothing to stop him from destroying himself, and it nearly destroyed me in the process. He has to make his own choices, and you have to make yours. You say you deserve more, but do you really believe that?

L

Barbara52

The only one who can chose to help you ABF is himself. He states he knows he has a problem. Yet he doesn't do anything to change this. That is about all you need to know really. Unitl he wants and needs to deal with his alcoholism, nothing will happen. No matter what you say or do, no matter how many ultimatims you give, you cannot change him, you cannot cure him, you cannot control him.

With that understanding, just what is it that is so loveable about an active alcoholic? He's verally abusive already. He terrifies you when he's drunk. He lies about how much he's drinking. He sounds manipulative. What makes him such a prize?

What makes you think he will be a wonderful role model for your children? Do you want them learning all the dysfunctional lessons they will learn from this man? That alcholism is OK? That verbal abuse is fine if you apologize once you get sober?

Since you grew up in al alcoholic family, you might want to research codependency and what it can mean for you along with looking into being an adult child of an alcoholic. Learning about both those things was an eye opener for me and led me to make healthier choices for me.

tallulah

It doesn't matter how much faith you put in someone, if they don't 'get it' they don't get it. He doesn't notice that faith. He doesn't notice that patience. He doesn't notice that well-wishing hope. He doesn't notice that support. You are banging your head against a brick wall.

You say he is nasty and belligerent... when he has had a drink. But he has mood swings when he is sober? That he plays the hot and cold card? Reading your post I could have written parts of it myself. Alcohol is not his only problem. It may loosen his inhibitions and bring out what is already there.. but it is what is already there that is what is going to cause you real damage if you let it.

Apologies to alcoholics reading.. and this is imho.. but sometimes it is used as an excuse.. by the alcoholic and the ones that love them. The alcohol does not pick up the phone and start screaming at you.. the person does. I'm in no way denigrating the awfulness of addiciton, but people are the sum of their parts. Alcoholism is a part of who he is but so is the rest and it is all to easy to accept every little quirk, foible and character defect as 'oh, he can't help it, he's an alcoholic'. If alcohol were solely responsible for making people abusive then all abusive people would be alcoholics and all alcoholics would be abusive: they are not.

My advice.. make YOU and you kids your first priority. :ghug

Techie1701

You have stated your boundry (realising that boundries are about your behavior, not anyone elses) that if he were abusive to you again, you would leave unless he sought help for his alcohol dependance, is that correct? Has he said he will DO anything, appart from apologising?

How do you know that no-one else has ever tried an ultimatum or intervention? He is 50 years old, has no-one ever talked to him about this? From what his sister has said, he is aware he has a problem and has already agreed to get help (though his actions have been different). It sounds like his mother has been dealing with an alcoholic spouse.

If you love him and want to believe in him, why not believe he is an adult, and capable of making choices for himself? He is 16 years older than you, and you are an adult, why do you think he needs to be babied? Would saying something like "I believe in you, love you, and believe that we are ment to be together. I cannot stay with your drinking and abusiveness, but please contact me when you have got help and want a relationship." I am not saying to say that to him, but suggesting that you think of a way of telling him how you feel, but allowing him the dignity to make his own choices.

So, you love and belive in him, and belive that you are destined to be together, and he doesn't want to commit to you? Why do you not believe him? Why are you telling him that bad behavior is OK? Do you think you deserve to be treated like this? Is this what love looks like to you?

I hope you are doing OK, and that wiser heads than mine post! These things jumped out at me from your post, I am posting the questions for you to think about, you do not have to answer them here (or at all).

silkspin

Do you really believe that no one before you, in his 50 years, cares enough about him? Could you consider that perhaps they are doing the healthy thing by allowing him to make his own choices? It's not their place to rescue him from himself, and neither is it yours. This is codependency at its best, and many if not all here on these forums suffer from it. We think we're special, that it'll be different with us because we care enough or more than anyone else. Believe me, that is magical thinking. Been there, done that. If that worked, this forum wouldn't exist and there would be no alcoholics in the world.

From what I understand from your post, you set a boundary after the first 'incident' but then it did happen again. If you didn't enforce your boundary then it sends a clear message to him that he can continue his outbursts and that you will tolerate it if he 'apologizes profusely'. Ask yourself how long you're willing to put up with that and take the risk that it may escalate. Again, many here have played those odds and lost.

The other thing that stands out is that you have 2 beautiful children, and that you yourself grew up in an alcoholic household. If you stay with this man, are you willing to place your children in the same spot that your mother placed you? You know how it was, and this is what their future may be. I told my AH that very thing - we have an 18 month old and I separated from him, saying that I don't want her growing up to turn into him, and adult child of an alcoholic. We see very clearly what it did to him, and I won't curse my daughter to that same fate.

I hope this helps, take what you need and leave the rest.

bluejay6

welcome laura,

i'm so sorry....you are in deep and you are already losing your good sense. this is what happens in the chemically dependent relationship. the first thing to go is our sanity.

you have been with him about 8 months and have been consistently abused, manipulated, degraded, threatened, and conned. quite the honeymoon period.

you think you are destined to be together. you have had incredibly sweet and profound moments with him and he feels like your true soulmate.

many of us here know exactly what you are experiencing.

and now you want to address his problem by figuring out how to finesse an intervention of some kind. that way you get to keep him and live together happily forever.

i totally know how your thinking is...i completely understand.

lauraangel, he has been a drunk probably all of his life. and he is pulling you into his insanity with his sobs and his self-pity and his rages and his lies and his intense "bonding" with you. this is relationship with an addict.

you sound like someone with enough life experience to do what it takes to make good choices. but much more time with this man, and you will start crumbling with him. you will start to isolate, you will detach from your children, you will obsess about his condition and his moods, you will cry, you will rage, you will ache with pain because he has demeaned you yet again, you will soar with joy when he comes back afterward and says you are an angel and he can't believe you love him and he is so sorry.

and you will no longer be able to make good choices.

there is only one choice to make right now, but you don't want to make it.

you have to end the relationship with this man because of his full blown alcoholism.

and you have to then get some help to deal with this loss.

and you have to wait and see what God does with the situation next.

i am so sorry.

Dreamchaser71

Welcome Laura,
I know where you are at and where you are headed. I'm there. Surprisingly we are closer than you think and we aren't alone. My AH is 49 will be 50 this year and I am (thinking for a sec to remember LOL) 37 going to be 38 this year. When we met 3 years ago he would rub my back and ask me where they were? Puzzled I'd ask what--Your wings he would say. He would call me his Angel with hidden wings. That set me on that road to try and save him. Now I went through Alateen when I was younger because my step"Dad" was an alcoholic, so I knew better but I couldn't help but fall into the "I'm going to save him" role. It isn't easy realizing you can't save them. They have to want to change and for Anyone to put the "you either quit" on them (imo) is not going to do any good. I've done it, I'm there. The one with the problem-- HAS to want to change and they HAVE to want to change for themselves. If there is any hope at all. My AH went through the ex wives and I still try to want to save him even knowing I can't. This is a very good place and alot of Awsome people here to help you get through what ever decision you choose. I'm not really one to give you any real good advice except that I'm HERE for you to lean on. The only advice I can give you is to follow your heart but don't confuse the feelings you are having with your gut or vise versa. You need to really find yourself first and know what you are willing to go through and how much you can handle and what you are willing to lose. I'm very strong but the other day I was ready to leave. One thing for you to really think about, You said you have 2 beautiful children, How much do you want to put them through trying to save someone you hardly know? Someone they may see have his Jekyl Hyde change and he start hitting you or God forbid your children. Like I said I can't tell you what to do but I can tell you something I did tell my AH the day we went to court for his drinking. He asked me if I was mad at him? I told him that I could be mad at him til I was blue but what good would it do? He made his choice to drink and he made the choice to drive and now he has to face the consequence of that choice. I can't tell him what to do he is a grown man BUT at some point he is going to have to grow up. We all have choices in life and what ever choice we choose is the choice and consequence we have to live with in the long run. Laura, I'm here for you:ghug3 and I'm :praying for you but please know that you are someone.