FunnyOne

My daughter, who isn't an alcoholic (yet?) is a master blamer. Even when I don't engage and just say "Oh, that sucks that you can't pay your rent." or "I'm sorry you're going through this." She says "Oh I hate when you say that, it's so cold and uncaring..." Actually, it doesn't matter what I say if I'm not saying "Where can I send the check?"

Ultimately I decided that after she is done not talking to me, I will ask her how her life is going...without me to blame. Of course my brother reminds me she will always blame me because I raised her.

You didn't raise him, so let him go free. These type of people will always find someone to blame, best it isn't you!

joedris

Anubus, You're received a lot of very good advice here. People do this because they can, and they can because you let them. And it's not a personality trait limited to alcoholics, as Sweets mentioned. Anyone who's unable to take personal responsibility for their lives will always become adept at blaming others. You enabled this guy for over two years, you see what he is, and yet you still hold a glimmer of hope for him: "I thought he was really for real". Let me give you a reality check. He's a loser. He's always been a loser. He'll always be a loser. Tell his you're putting his tools in a box and putting them out in front of your residence. He can come and get them or they'll disappear. Then I'd have to agree with Anvilhead. Stop answering the phone. You need to get on with your life.

AWEDA

I sold my EXAH tools to support our children,
he is still bit**ing about it 2 years later from his jail cell.

TakingCharge999

Hi anubus!

I hope you get tired and angry of these situations soon. There is a great life out there, full of wonderful people, I get sad knowing you think this is all there is.

Good luck!!

Wascally Wabbit

It's funny how A's of all types and walks of life all have one single thing in common: Blaming others for their own mistakes and choices.
Then, when we wise up and no longer listen to the manipulation and blaming, they crank up the volume, hoping if they blame us for every single thing in their life that maybe, just maybe, we will break down.

I went through that. For a while I thought things were my fault. When I stepped completely away from him, I looked at him with a different mindset. I actually felt sorry for him. I realized he was just scrambling for anything that would get me back in to the same old role of "accepting the blame", and letting myself believe I was worthless.

A friend told me to try this:
The next time he starts blaming, acting chaotic etc., Picture yourself standing on the sidewalk going toward a mental institution. Visulize your A on the second floor, holding on to the bars and screaming down at you.

This little exercise worked for me the very first time I tried it. It gave me a whole new perspective as to just who I really am. I am worthy, I am good, loving and kind.
Never again will someone berate me or blame me for something they bring upon themselves.
Keep standing tall. Eventually you will be free from the blame.

Ago

Maybe reread the thread very carefully and it's possible you will discover that alcoholics aren't the only ones that possess this quality in abundance.

I think it's a quality that many possess, i'd maybe say especially practicing alcoholics, but careful reading shows it's apparently a pretty common quality in alcoholism and codependence. Nearly 3/4 of the posts here are about "them", and there is no shortage of "blame".

I'm an alcoholic in recovery, and many years later working on my codepedency issues.

When I hit my alcoholic bottom I was nothing but a big ball of shame. When I hit my codependant bottom I was nothing but a big ball of blame. The codependency was a much more complicated and difficult issue for me to deal with because it was "someone else's fault". It had to start for me by stopping the blame and begin taking responsibility for my own choices. I had to learn to stop blaming the alcoholic for how I felt. I gave my permission to be lied to, abused, manipulated, blamed, etc. by allowing it and staying.

It's taking me a long time to really find out what was and wasn't my responsibility, summed up best in the childs saying Hurt me once, shame on you, hurt me again, shame on me. I stayed for years. that's a lot of shame, and blame.

Reread the thread with new eyes, see what you see.

GiveLove

The O.P. anubus hasn't been around for some time (ah, the half-life of threads on SR ) Maybe some time she'll stop back in to see how it's evolved.

I know that, for me, I stopped having to deal with blame just as soon as I stopped putting out my hands to receive it. People can shove blame at me until the cows come home, and if it's not mine to take, it just falls impotently to the floor (clunk!), and I can walk away. It took a lot of practice, lots of fits and starts, SR, Al-Anon, counseling, etc., but it's good inner work if you can get it There's a lot of serenity in knowing that I can't be disabled by those tactics any more.

anubus

Hi you all.....I'm still here, just lurking mostly! I haven't had contact with XABF in over a month. It hasn't been easy....I MISS HIM, and sheer H*LL that no matter what I did for him, only HE can realize he has this horrible desease.

Last I heard, he's going around telling some terrible lies about me and why we split up.......mind you, I PAID $1500 this past April to an attorney, and handled the entire communication with this attorney, and with God's help I got his DUI charged DISMISSED.

And to hear the stories he's saying about me, it really hurts. But I'm doing okay, trying to trust in God, and keeping busy with my work, my Ebay biz, and even planted some flowers in my yard.

I haven't been posting much because I'm just going through the healing process the best way I know how to, but I'm lurking here & reading.

GiveLove

((( anubus )))

Lilly Burn

These posts are so helpful. My AH was saying terrible things about me before he left and I suspect about why he left too...I have no contact whatsoever with him no matter what he does, so he cant blame me for anything now...although hes probably got something to say about the fact I wont talk to him too.!! Ive learned that I was very clearly codependent and Im trying to get real about the fantasy world i lived in and how much responsibility I have to take for always begging him to come home, that should have stopped the first or most second time he left and his threats to leave, I should have just said "go ahead". But I was good as the enabler!! I too miss my AH because after 7 years of constantly being together well you would miss them, but my life is calmer and planting things took me a while, but like everything it has come back and i do get satisfaction from life whereas 5 months ago i simply couldnt function because of the bizarre way my marriage ended...One thing I do think is that whilst you can say that lots of people display similar traits to alcoholics, they all display the same traits without fail...everything from their sense of being special but they are all talking from the same script, to the way they think, how they isolate, manipulate, lie, deceive and crazy talk, they are all the same... Thanks again, isnt it great that we can share all these things. I couldnt have done without all this. Lillu