New here and New to Al-Anon
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Baltimore,MD
Posts: 150
New here and New to Al-Anon
HI,
Yes I am new here and I am also new to Al-Anon. I went to my first meeting last night and although I was a little confused because they didn't really go over any steps or objectives, I did get to hear some encouraging words from folks who are doing well emotionally and mentally, even though they love an A.
I can definitely see myself going back again and again. I need to know more.
I have been married for 9 years (together for 10) to what I thought in the beginning, was just a really fun and popular guy who liked to party on the weekends. He had a good job,played sports and seemed very intellegant and I had just gotten out of a relationship with an A and never intended on starting another one. I realize now that A come in all different shapes and sizes and levels. Some are outgoing and fun like this one and some are quiet and withdrawn and dark, like my prior.
Unfortunately, I was in way over my head with this one, when it all came crashing down that he had a drinking problem. I attributed his absences from home as his various activities and sports. Then one day it occured to me that all of these activities either ended with or started and finished with alcohol.
First it was 2 nights a week at english darts, then 3 or 4 with softball ( always bar sponsored) then just going out on the weekends to hang with his "buddies" at the local bar.
In the beginning I tried to keep up and go out with him on the weekends but I had a 5 year old daughter and wasn't about to sacrifice my time with her any longer, just to watch him drink all night.
After we got married, he promised me things with the sports and buddies would slack off a lot, that he would limit his sports and such to 2 nights a week. It started out great and I felt comfortable enough in the relationship to start planning another child with him. He was all for it.
Well, the you know what hit the fan one night when I was 5 months pregnant and woke up at 5am to find him not in bed. I called his father, who in turn called all the local hospitals and police stations and I was hysterical with worry. I finally called a mutual friend but got their machine. He was obviously there because 5 minutes later, he called back with "Can you come and pick me up?"
I said a few choice words and hung up, packed him a bag and sat it outside and locked the door. A few minutes later, he arrived at the door, begging and making an awful scene and upsetting my daughter. She began to beg me to let him in. So I did.
I believe this was my first eye opener but certainly hasn't been my last.
We've had some months ...a couple times up to a 6 month stretch where he was sobor but he was miserable and lonely the entire time, making me miserable as well because none of his buddies called ONCE.
I've done just about every wrong thing that every other wife of an A has done. I've told myself he isn't an A, that he is just a problem drinker. I've believed his promises, only to time and time again watch as he blatently breaks them and then when I go ballistic and throw a fit, he swears on bended kneee through tears he'll never do it again. He's cheated on me with a bar maid who as he descibed.."She listened to me and was sympathetic" and of course I wasn't sympathetic at all. He's been to AA, been to individual counselling and support groups and we've been through marriage counselling twice.
He's been emotionally abusive, controlling and physically abusive several times during extreme drunkeness. Everyone loves him. He's such a great, fun and helpful guy! It must be me right?
We can't go anywhere together anymore. I cut myself off from him a year ago when he started drinking again. I cannot and will not subject myself to watching him guzzle down beers for hours and then watch as he flounces about the party/bar/whatever, carrying on with all the women and watching all the men slap him on the back and tell him what a great guy he is.
Tell that to our kids who he never spends any time with and who have heard and seen him berrate and abuse me.
Yesterday was the start of my new life because Friday night was my final explosion. Our 7 year old son had asked me why Daddy drinks and drives. "Doesn't he know he can die or kill someone else's child?" I told our son that Daddy is not capable right now of understanding that but that I am so happy that my baby is smart enough to know right from wrong.
I called my husband at 2:35AM asking where he was and what the hell did he think he was doing. Through his slurred and barely understandable speach..."I was just taking a few people home...I'll be there shortly...Blah blah blah". He had MY truck. I was so mad I just started screaming like a maniac.
When I woke up yesterday morning, it was like a light came on in my head...Al-Anon tonight or you're doomed.
I am not doomed and I am going to live my life and I give up on this battle for good. I guess I had a breakthrough. For once, I didn't care what excuses he had or his trying to put it all on me and I was this nasty mean wife who couldn't stand watching him have a good time and I'm just jealous and again...blah blah blah.
I'm going to be happy. My children are going to be happy.
I know it won't be the least bit easy but I think I am coming to Al-Anon with all the tools I will need. I just need the support and guidance to put those tools into action for good.
Today he is remorseful and he thinks doing his pennance but I am just being calm and not playing those dreaded silent treatment games with him or ignoring him this time. This time it's different. I just don't care anymore. I did things for ME today. Tomorrow, I will go to another meeting and I will again do something for me, when his whining starts about how he's going to change again.
That's all for now but I'll be back because I have about 1000 questions to ask and I need all of the wisdom you fine people have to give!
PEACE!
:shades:
Yes I am new here and I am also new to Al-Anon. I went to my first meeting last night and although I was a little confused because they didn't really go over any steps or objectives, I did get to hear some encouraging words from folks who are doing well emotionally and mentally, even though they love an A.
I can definitely see myself going back again and again. I need to know more.
I have been married for 9 years (together for 10) to what I thought in the beginning, was just a really fun and popular guy who liked to party on the weekends. He had a good job,played sports and seemed very intellegant and I had just gotten out of a relationship with an A and never intended on starting another one. I realize now that A come in all different shapes and sizes and levels. Some are outgoing and fun like this one and some are quiet and withdrawn and dark, like my prior.
Unfortunately, I was in way over my head with this one, when it all came crashing down that he had a drinking problem. I attributed his absences from home as his various activities and sports. Then one day it occured to me that all of these activities either ended with or started and finished with alcohol.
First it was 2 nights a week at english darts, then 3 or 4 with softball ( always bar sponsored) then just going out on the weekends to hang with his "buddies" at the local bar.
In the beginning I tried to keep up and go out with him on the weekends but I had a 5 year old daughter and wasn't about to sacrifice my time with her any longer, just to watch him drink all night.
After we got married, he promised me things with the sports and buddies would slack off a lot, that he would limit his sports and such to 2 nights a week. It started out great and I felt comfortable enough in the relationship to start planning another child with him. He was all for it.
Well, the you know what hit the fan one night when I was 5 months pregnant and woke up at 5am to find him not in bed. I called his father, who in turn called all the local hospitals and police stations and I was hysterical with worry. I finally called a mutual friend but got their machine. He was obviously there because 5 minutes later, he called back with "Can you come and pick me up?"
I said a few choice words and hung up, packed him a bag and sat it outside and locked the door. A few minutes later, he arrived at the door, begging and making an awful scene and upsetting my daughter. She began to beg me to let him in. So I did.
I believe this was my first eye opener but certainly hasn't been my last.
We've had some months ...a couple times up to a 6 month stretch where he was sobor but he was miserable and lonely the entire time, making me miserable as well because none of his buddies called ONCE.
I've done just about every wrong thing that every other wife of an A has done. I've told myself he isn't an A, that he is just a problem drinker. I've believed his promises, only to time and time again watch as he blatently breaks them and then when I go ballistic and throw a fit, he swears on bended kneee through tears he'll never do it again. He's cheated on me with a bar maid who as he descibed.."She listened to me and was sympathetic" and of course I wasn't sympathetic at all. He's been to AA, been to individual counselling and support groups and we've been through marriage counselling twice.
He's been emotionally abusive, controlling and physically abusive several times during extreme drunkeness. Everyone loves him. He's such a great, fun and helpful guy! It must be me right?
We can't go anywhere together anymore. I cut myself off from him a year ago when he started drinking again. I cannot and will not subject myself to watching him guzzle down beers for hours and then watch as he flounces about the party/bar/whatever, carrying on with all the women and watching all the men slap him on the back and tell him what a great guy he is.
Tell that to our kids who he never spends any time with and who have heard and seen him berrate and abuse me.
Yesterday was the start of my new life because Friday night was my final explosion. Our 7 year old son had asked me why Daddy drinks and drives. "Doesn't he know he can die or kill someone else's child?" I told our son that Daddy is not capable right now of understanding that but that I am so happy that my baby is smart enough to know right from wrong.
I called my husband at 2:35AM asking where he was and what the hell did he think he was doing. Through his slurred and barely understandable speach..."I was just taking a few people home...I'll be there shortly...Blah blah blah". He had MY truck. I was so mad I just started screaming like a maniac.
When I woke up yesterday morning, it was like a light came on in my head...Al-Anon tonight or you're doomed.
I am not doomed and I am going to live my life and I give up on this battle for good. I guess I had a breakthrough. For once, I didn't care what excuses he had or his trying to put it all on me and I was this nasty mean wife who couldn't stand watching him have a good time and I'm just jealous and again...blah blah blah.
I'm going to be happy. My children are going to be happy.
I know it won't be the least bit easy but I think I am coming to Al-Anon with all the tools I will need. I just need the support and guidance to put those tools into action for good.
Today he is remorseful and he thinks doing his pennance but I am just being calm and not playing those dreaded silent treatment games with him or ignoring him this time. This time it's different. I just don't care anymore. I did things for ME today. Tomorrow, I will go to another meeting and I will again do something for me, when his whining starts about how he's going to change again.
That's all for now but I'll be back because I have about 1000 questions to ask and I need all of the wisdom you fine people have to give!
PEACE!
:shades:
Member
Join Date: Aug 2001
Location: That's what I'd like to know.
Posts: 2,416
Welcome LongStrangeTrip!
I'm glad you found us. If you'll look at the top of this forum, you'll see a post titled "power-posts". In there you'll find the steps, and some other threads we thought might be particularly helpful or interesting for newcomers. Always feel free to come here and share with us, or ask questions, or just scream awhile.
Hugs!
Smoke
I'm glad you found us. If you'll look at the top of this forum, you'll see a post titled "power-posts". In there you'll find the steps, and some other threads we thought might be particularly helpful or interesting for newcomers. Always feel free to come here and share with us, or ask questions, or just scream awhile.
Hugs!
Smoke
Supply Manager
Join Date: Feb 2002
Location: Cleaverville
Posts: 2,898
Welcome from me too! You have found a safe place.
Al-anon saved my life and I arrived much the way you did...after I woke up. Listen to those ladies...they have what you want and they are more than happy to help you get it.
Hugs,
JT
Al-anon saved my life and I arrived much the way you did...after I woke up. Listen to those ladies...they have what you want and they are more than happy to help you get it.
Hugs,
JT
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Baltimore,MD
Posts: 150
Bless you all for being here.
As you probably already know, I really have no one to talk to or who wants to hear about any of this anymore. My friends have told me for years I should have just taken the kids and left but I love this man so much. He is such a presence and has the potential to be so much more without the bottle in his hand.
I can't live on potential anymore though and niether can our children.
I used to be so lonely night after night while he was out at the bar but I grew stronger and learned that I could be alone at night, after the kids were tucked in bed and enjoy that time just being with ME...until about 2am that is.
I started making myself go to bed by 11:00, so that by the time 2am rolled around, I'd be lost in dreamland and not worry what time he stumbled in. Unfortunately, friday night I had some drawings to finish up and ended up staying up past my usual time and that's when the anxieties kicked in.
I'm so glad I'm here.
As you probably already know, I really have no one to talk to or who wants to hear about any of this anymore. My friends have told me for years I should have just taken the kids and left but I love this man so much. He is such a presence and has the potential to be so much more without the bottle in his hand.
I can't live on potential anymore though and niether can our children.
I used to be so lonely night after night while he was out at the bar but I grew stronger and learned that I could be alone at night, after the kids were tucked in bed and enjoy that time just being with ME...until about 2am that is.
I started making myself go to bed by 11:00, so that by the time 2am rolled around, I'd be lost in dreamland and not worry what time he stumbled in. Unfortunately, friday night I had some drawings to finish up and ended up staying up past my usual time and that's when the anxieties kicked in.
I'm so glad I'm here.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2003
Posts: 4,955
Hi and welcome
I love your sign-on name. It's a perfect description of what it's like living with an alcoholic. I wonder if Garcia knew that when he coined the phrase?
You sound like you have taken the first steps toward a better life. Good for you! Glad you found us, stick around.
Peace,
Gabe
You sound like you have taken the first steps toward a better life. Good for you! Glad you found us, stick around.
Peace,
Gabe
Learning to love life...
Join Date: Aug 2002
Location: British Columbia, Canada
Posts: 529
Hi LongStrangeTrip,
I just wanted to say "HI" as well... so glad you found us!
This site can become a "friend" when you're in need (LOTS of friends) - anytime, you can come here and unload... and we learn to pass on our wisdom when we're ready; it's a great place to lean on and share your struggles.
I have been in Alanon and working my own program for over a year now, and it has been one lightbulb moment after another - I am so grateful. Glad to hear that you have decided to give it another try yourself... you ARE what is most important here.
Take care
Meg
I just wanted to say "HI" as well... so glad you found us!
This site can become a "friend" when you're in need (LOTS of friends) - anytime, you can come here and unload... and we learn to pass on our wisdom when we're ready; it's a great place to lean on and share your struggles.
I have been in Alanon and working my own program for over a year now, and it has been one lightbulb moment after another - I am so grateful. Glad to hear that you have decided to give it another try yourself... you ARE what is most important here.
Take care
Meg
Paused
Join Date: May 2003
Location: Southern Maryland
Posts: 169
Greetings from a fellow Marylander..............
LongStrangeTrip:
Yep, it really is a strange trip going through life with an A. It's like there are two parallel universes. The real world and the world created by alcohol. Their twisted thinking rubs off on you, and next thing you know, you start believing the crap as true.
You say your child asked about his drinking & driving. I remember the first time my A picked me up for a 4 hour road trip, already drinking beer and an open case on the floor of the car. I didn't know what to do, I was too embarrased (intimidated?) to say anything, so I got in the car.
That was 15 years ago.... I've gotten so used to him doing that, that it became normal to see a open beer next to the driver's seat. It wasn't until last year, when I started to really question his drinking, that I came out of my own denial of how irresponsible his behavior is. Oddly enough, once I started questioning his drinking, I became the newest reason (excuse) for him needing a drink.
Welcome to the board... it's one tool to use to get all that twisting thinking, hurt, and anger out of your system and become whole again.
Yep, it really is a strange trip going through life with an A. It's like there are two parallel universes. The real world and the world created by alcohol. Their twisted thinking rubs off on you, and next thing you know, you start believing the crap as true.
You say your child asked about his drinking & driving. I remember the first time my A picked me up for a 4 hour road trip, already drinking beer and an open case on the floor of the car. I didn't know what to do, I was too embarrased (intimidated?) to say anything, so I got in the car.
That was 15 years ago.... I've gotten so used to him doing that, that it became normal to see a open beer next to the driver's seat. It wasn't until last year, when I started to really question his drinking, that I came out of my own denial of how irresponsible his behavior is. Oddly enough, once I started questioning his drinking, I became the newest reason (excuse) for him needing a drink.
Welcome to the board... it's one tool to use to get all that twisting thinking, hurt, and anger out of your system and become whole again.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Wish I knew
Posts: 428
I read your post, and it could have been me!!(almost) His alcoholism did not show up until we were married and pregnant- when I was no longer allowed, he just went by himself, and stayed out longer and longer. This has been going on for almost 10 years. I left him and moved out of state, but being a single parent was waayyyy too hard.
He's not abusive when drunk- just absent. What is heartbreaking is that he is really a good guy, and it hurts to see him destroying himself the way he is. He has never sought couseling because "he doesn't have a problem" ..I have the problem because I don't like having "fun" and resent when he does (hope you detect the sarcasm) His drinking has gotten progressively worse, and I am sure there are drugs involved.
I don;t wait up anymore, tho. I wouldn't get any sleep!!!
I tried al anon, but it didn't help. I have been seeing a counselor, but have not been able to get there for a while.
What's worst is the rejection- what's wrong with me? Why is he unhappy to be with me? My self esteem has taken a huge nose dive.
He's not abusive when drunk- just absent. What is heartbreaking is that he is really a good guy, and it hurts to see him destroying himself the way he is. He has never sought couseling because "he doesn't have a problem" ..I have the problem because I don't like having "fun" and resent when he does (hope you detect the sarcasm) His drinking has gotten progressively worse, and I am sure there are drugs involved.
I don;t wait up anymore, tho. I wouldn't get any sleep!!!
I tried al anon, but it didn't help. I have been seeing a counselor, but have not been able to get there for a while.
What's worst is the rejection- what's wrong with me? Why is he unhappy to be with me? My self esteem has taken a huge nose dive.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2003
Posts: 4,955
sdp
Hello, I am here to cheer for your self-esteem. There is nothing wrong with you. He doesn't want to be with you because he is too busy running around living an irresponsible life. I know what you are going through. I went through the same thing with my ex. I stayed home with the kids while he went out with the boys in the band and resumed his drinking career after six years of sobriety. I asked myself the same questions. What's wrong with me? Why doesn't he want to be with me? My self-esteem took a nose dive too. But guess what? I found out that my self-esteem has nothing to do with him or how he treats me. It has everything to do with me and how I treat me.
Please don't let what he is doing make you feel bad about yourself. We all deserve to be happy and lead a happy life. Believe in the goodness in you. You don't need him to validate who you are. I'm sure you are a wonderful person who deserves only the best. Treat yourself to a small wonder tomorrow. Then, treat yourself to two small wonders the next day. This can create a wonderful chain reaction that can lead to a better life.
Peace,
Gabe
Please don't let what he is doing make you feel bad about yourself. We all deserve to be happy and lead a happy life. Believe in the goodness in you. You don't need him to validate who you are. I'm sure you are a wonderful person who deserves only the best. Treat yourself to a small wonder tomorrow. Then, treat yourself to two small wonders the next day. This can create a wonderful chain reaction that can lead to a better life.
Peace,
Gabe
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Baltimore,MD
Posts: 150
Hi everyone and thanks for the awesome welcome!
I went to my second meeting tonight and I talked about my life and how through everything I've been through has been so crazy, I am really for the most part a really happy person.
I have just spent too much time blaming my A for making me miserable and for not caring about me and the children. I've always known if he chose to stop, it couldn't be for me and the kids but I know he just isn't ready to because he still can't even admit he has a problem. I couldn't even admit it until just recently.
I have learned to accept the fact that this is a disease and that after the first beer is opened, there's no turning back until all the beers are gone and the liquor stores or closed.
I know it's nothing to do with me at all. I know it's not that I'm not good enough or pretty enough or whatever. I know in my heart I am a great person and that my only real problem has been the fighting over his absences and his complete disregard for anyone and anything, once he starts drinking.
I am just so thrilled that I have taken this step. I have so much more to learn, in order to live with this situation or to gain the strength if need be, to finally move on. I no longer hope and pray for some miracle to happen and that he admits he is sick and gets some help. What matters for this 24 hours is that I am OK, my kids are OK and that I am good to myself.
Yes it has been a long strange trip but I'm taking back the wheel and driving down the roads I choose and not being a passenger anymore.
I went to my second meeting tonight and I talked about my life and how through everything I've been through has been so crazy, I am really for the most part a really happy person.
I have just spent too much time blaming my A for making me miserable and for not caring about me and the children. I've always known if he chose to stop, it couldn't be for me and the kids but I know he just isn't ready to because he still can't even admit he has a problem. I couldn't even admit it until just recently.
I have learned to accept the fact that this is a disease and that after the first beer is opened, there's no turning back until all the beers are gone and the liquor stores or closed.
I know it's nothing to do with me at all. I know it's not that I'm not good enough or pretty enough or whatever. I know in my heart I am a great person and that my only real problem has been the fighting over his absences and his complete disregard for anyone and anything, once he starts drinking.
I am just so thrilled that I have taken this step. I have so much more to learn, in order to live with this situation or to gain the strength if need be, to finally move on. I no longer hope and pray for some miracle to happen and that he admits he is sick and gets some help. What matters for this 24 hours is that I am OK, my kids are OK and that I am good to myself.
Yes it has been a long strange trip but I'm taking back the wheel and driving down the roads I choose and not being a passenger anymore.
Southern through and through
Join Date: Oct 2002
Location: In.....trouble :-)
Posts: 1,453
Good for you, LongStrangeTrip! Keep up those Al Anon meetings. There is a world of wisdom in those Al Anon meetings an I am so grateful I have learned by going to them.
So welcome to the world of soberrecovery and Al Anon! Make yourself at home and pull of a chair. We are all walking this road together. I am so grateful for the wonderful folks on this website who have helped me tremendously. I'm sure if you stick around, read and listen you'll feel the same way too.
Hugs,
Hangin' In
So welcome to the world of soberrecovery and Al Anon!
Make yourself at home and pull of a chair. We are all walking this road together. I am so grateful for the wonderful folks on this website who have helped me tremendously. I'm sure if you stick around, read and listen you'll feel the same way too. Hugs,
Hangin' In
No More Mrs. Nice Guy
Join Date: Aug 2002
Location: Iowa
Posts: 724
Welcome!
I am glad you found us here. I 've been away for awhile and am just now catching up on some of the posts.
There is so much wisdom and healing here. You'll be amazed at how much you have in common with so many of the wonderful people at the forum.
I am also very happy for you that you are going to al anon meetings. I can honestly say that Al Anon saved my life.... and the life that I have now is richer and happier and calmer and more fulfilling than I ever dreamed possible.
If you stick around long enough, you might even be able to laugh a bit. From time to time a thread pops up that gets us all giggling.
HUGS
O59
I am glad you found us here. I 've been away for awhile and am just now catching up on some of the posts.
There is so much wisdom and healing here. You'll be amazed at how much you have in common with so many of the wonderful people at the forum.
I am also very happy for you that you are going to al anon meetings. I can honestly say that Al Anon saved my life.... and the life that I have now is richer and happier and calmer and more fulfilling than I ever dreamed possible.
If you stick around long enough, you might even be able to laugh a bit. From time to time a thread pops up that gets us all giggling.
HUGS
O59
Paused
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: El Cajon, CA
Posts: 88
Hi LongStrangeTrip! I am also on the same trip as you. I just woke up two weeks ago and am in the "I don't care anymore" state of mind. I am going to my first Alanon meeting this weekend and am so thankful I found this group.
Keep writing and sharing your experiences as you go. They help me to see that I am not alone - there are others out there going thru and feeling the EXACT same things I am.
Welcome!
Keep writing and sharing your experiences as you go. They help me to see that I am not alone - there are others out there going thru and feeling the EXACT same things I am.
Welcome!
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
