Dreams and nightmares.. it's a daily struggle, isn't it?
A jug fills drop by drop
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
Dreams and nightmares.. it's a daily struggle, isn't it?
Hi friends, hope everyone is doing well today... just by waking up and having another day to feel the sun, another chance to feel and learn, is wonderful don't you think?
If you expect some wisdom.. wrong thread... LOL mostly I will be venting...
I really appreciate having this space to share what bugs me...
Yesterday I went on with my day, letting thoughts pass, letting feelings be... of course all mixed feelings but at least I am letting in more loving ones that refer to ME, MY family, MY friends and MY PLANS this year.
I have realized life has been very good with me, and day by day I am filled with gratitude. I cannot believe how blind I was to everything that I got going.
I went to have dinner with a coworker to an Argentinian place (I love it that I am starting to enjoy the city I live in, its great).. he is not yet a friend, but he is feeling down these days so we planned to get out...
Ego boost #1:
When he went with me to my car (nice guy, I love it when they have those attentions, and I value them because I am used to NOTHING
) he told me:
"I got a confession. On the last year's company party, when F. introduced me to his girlfriend, I thought:
'He left Dreamer for THAT?'
And I shared this with another male coworker, who told me he thought the very same thing when he met them"
I realized the very mention of F.'s name created tension.
On one side I felt good in a strange way, like feeling "prettier", "better" in the eyes of total strangers. I know I know the shouldn'ts, etc, but I felt that way. I accept I felt superior.
Ego boost #2:
Another two male coworkers gave me compliments and F. was next to them. I admit I secretly enjoyed to be acknowledged and compilemented in his presence.
Male 1: "Why so cute? New boyfriend?"
Dreamer: "Hoho... "
Male 1: No, seriously! (nudges another coworker who stands up)
Male 2: Ohhh! Looking good!
Ego boost #3:
Today I arrived to work, feeling quite good about myself. Guys were smoking outside, and I saw on the door's reflection they ALL turned their heads to look at me. Now its the Dreamer that has always been the ugly duckling. I look GREAT. Perhaps because I feel at peace with myself and I accept me much more than before. My confidence is building. Otherwise, I have not changed much, just that I wear skirts because its HOT down here. And there is no one telling me I am fat, or whatever. I cannot believe I believed his insults. I am OK!!
So, well, I know I look much better, because the few last months I felt like Mun-ra from Thundercats:
http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_RTPeGEsiKC...nra%5B1%5D.jpg
Or like Jose Miel, a bee that had the Worst Luck Ever (find here some pictures, hope its allowed):
Oh! José Miel...
So, back to yesterday after dinner.
The guy also mentioned:
"Hahaha, we all know how F. hates waking up early, and he has to wake up early everyday to take her girlfriend to her job!"
OUCH.
That comment got me, you got no idea. I of course have tortured myself with that thought. But to have someone else mention it, I got it was real, they sleep together, F. IS with someone else. It dawned on me. Enjoy, Prometheus, the vulture is back again, eating your guts.. AGAIN!
I arrived to my apartment and wished I could cry. But I am on antidepressants, so I feel quite numb. Although it is great, because I had to work at night, and I had to concentrate. So I had to put my feelings on hold. I am learning that trick.
I chatted with a friend here in SR and I got distracted. Then I slept, exhausted, did not have a chance to cry or explore those feelings.
I slept like 5 hours. The Nightmare. I, given circumstances, had to share a house with F. and the girlfriend. And our rooms were infront of each other. And I had to clean up for them, and found her clothes... I do not recall feeling that sadness in a dream before. In that dream I cried my heart out in my imaginary new room. And I was doomed to listen and LIVE with them. Talk about my feelings these last months!! I felt as if, what I could not cry in life, I did in my dream. I woke up feeling my heart empty and destroyed.
I have felt I opened my heart to someone who mutated into a crazy guy with a knife, destroying it from the inside.
From my apartment I see some towers that I also saw when we arrived to "OUR" house, etc.etc.
It takes a great effort to see them and not dwell on the past. But then, I thought
"For all I know, he may be abusing her now.
I got to live with the "decent" person.
The guy I left was already troubled. He did not magically went back to the guy I knew."
Repeat.
Bottomline, I will buy some great cloth and create some stylish red curtains for my apartment.
Sometimes I wish this was all over. Waking up and thinking "was it all a dream? did this really happened?" I hate it not to be able to talk to this guy.
And also, what got me was the assumption from these guys that "he dumped me for another woman". As if I could not decide for myself I am better off alone. I started trying to tell him it was me who left/ but then stopped.
Dreamer, keep trying to control what you cannot control. They all / can think what they want. I give up, you know.
I do not deserve to be suffering this way. I choose not to. Its a daily struggle. And then I run into this guy, completely oblivious, and I think I am insane for feeling this so intensely. And I feel like an idiot for having these feelings, while he has been at it for most of the last 6 months with someone else.
:wtf2
Questions without answers:
- Would he feel something if he saw me with another guy? Or was it real when he said he did not care at all? Would he be jealous? Why would I care if he is, or is not?
- Does he remember me? Does he really believe his own lies? How can he state he loves someone and move on from one day to the other? How can I know we shared the feeling, if its just as easy for him to move on to someone else?
What I hate most is not being able to at least remember the good times. So much hurt afterwards, that I just want to erase 2008 altogether. I do not even want to remember how he was like before. I do not want to remember anything at all about him. Now, I have a really really BAD memory. But I got 2 or 3 thoughts about the nice him, and my heart aches.
A friend told me he would always be in my heart. Is he sure about it? Can't I kick him out altogether?
:wtf2
I do not know why I am so fixated with this guy. But it really helps to see that HP saved me from much suffering. Even a psychic, LOL, told me I'd better STAY AWAY from this guy. When I choose a card, and it was about him, it was Death..!
Not sure if I believe all that stuff, but you've got to admit its rather symbolic...
I am still in shock and denial. I cannot believe I see his body and cannot say hi. I cannot believe F. was able to harm me so much and don't give a damn. I cannot believe I believed everything he said. And I cannot believe he is indeed an alcoholic. I cannot believe he is choosing that path. I am no longer judging him for that. I just cannot believe it, when I attend AA, its like a Fast Forward of his life, after 30 years. How much suffering is he going to inflict before he crosses that door? Will he? What does he have to lose? Who will he have to lose?
I see what is true and I get to see and hear "how much fun" he is having, and its just madness.
Other questions without answers. Only HP will be able to give me peace, not knowing, and never being able to know. Why do I feel like HP? I need more humility.
A coworker and his best friend told me they know he has a problem, and are worried about him. OK, so its not only me. That made me feel a little better.
Thank you. Now that everything is Out There, I feel better. On to my lovely, sunny day. I bought a cactus and brought it to the office. It looks half like a cactus, half like a small palm tree. Its wonderful.
I am feeling more social now and am reaching out to all my friends, by phone, e-mail, and also meeting some new people. Baby steps...
Breathe. Breathe again...
I just want to add that all of you are so strong, I do not know how you overcome so many difficulties. You are all my example and daily inspiration.
Thanks for letting me share. I do not feel alone.
If you expect some wisdom.. wrong thread... LOL mostly I will be venting...
I really appreciate having this space to share what bugs me...
Yesterday I went on with my day, letting thoughts pass, letting feelings be... of course all mixed feelings but at least I am letting in more loving ones that refer to ME, MY family, MY friends and MY PLANS this year.
I have realized life has been very good with me, and day by day I am filled with gratitude. I cannot believe how blind I was to everything that I got going.
I went to have dinner with a coworker to an Argentinian place (I love it that I am starting to enjoy the city I live in, its great).. he is not yet a friend, but he is feeling down these days so we planned to get out...
Ego boost #1:
When he went with me to my car (nice guy, I love it when they have those attentions, and I value them because I am used to NOTHING
) he told me:"I got a confession. On the last year's company party, when F. introduced me to his girlfriend, I thought:
'He left Dreamer for THAT?'
And I shared this with another male coworker, who told me he thought the very same thing when he met them"
I realized the very mention of F.'s name created tension.
On one side I felt good in a strange way, like feeling "prettier", "better" in the eyes of total strangers. I know I know the shouldn'ts, etc, but I felt that way. I accept I felt superior.
Ego boost #2:
Another two male coworkers gave me compliments and F. was next to them. I admit I secretly enjoyed to be acknowledged and compilemented in his presence.
Male 1: "Why so cute? New boyfriend?"
Dreamer: "Hoho... "
Male 1: No, seriously! (nudges another coworker who stands up)
Male 2: Ohhh! Looking good!
Ego boost #3:
Today I arrived to work, feeling quite good about myself. Guys were smoking outside, and I saw on the door's reflection they ALL turned their heads to look at me. Now its the Dreamer that has always been the ugly duckling. I look GREAT. Perhaps because I feel at peace with myself and I accept me much more than before. My confidence is building. Otherwise, I have not changed much, just that I wear skirts because its HOT down here. And there is no one telling me I am fat, or whatever. I cannot believe I believed his insults. I am OK!!
So, well, I know I look much better, because the few last months I felt like Mun-ra from Thundercats:
http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_RTPeGEsiKC...nra%5B1%5D.jpg
Or like Jose Miel, a bee that had the Worst Luck Ever (find here some pictures, hope its allowed):
Oh! José Miel...
So, back to yesterday after dinner.
The guy also mentioned:
"Hahaha, we all know how F. hates waking up early, and he has to wake up early everyday to take her girlfriend to her job!"
OUCH.
That comment got me, you got no idea. I of course have tortured myself with that thought. But to have someone else mention it, I got it was real, they sleep together, F. IS with someone else. It dawned on me. Enjoy, Prometheus, the vulture is back again, eating your guts.. AGAIN!
I arrived to my apartment and wished I could cry. But I am on antidepressants, so I feel quite numb. Although it is great, because I had to work at night, and I had to concentrate. So I had to put my feelings on hold. I am learning that trick.
I chatted with a friend here in SR and I got distracted. Then I slept, exhausted, did not have a chance to cry or explore those feelings.
I slept like 5 hours. The Nightmare. I, given circumstances, had to share a house with F. and the girlfriend. And our rooms were infront of each other. And I had to clean up for them, and found her clothes... I do not recall feeling that sadness in a dream before. In that dream I cried my heart out in my imaginary new room. And I was doomed to listen and LIVE with them. Talk about my feelings these last months!! I felt as if, what I could not cry in life, I did in my dream. I woke up feeling my heart empty and destroyed.
I have felt I opened my heart to someone who mutated into a crazy guy with a knife, destroying it from the inside.
From my apartment I see some towers that I also saw when we arrived to "OUR" house, etc.etc.
It takes a great effort to see them and not dwell on the past. But then, I thought
"For all I know, he may be abusing her now.
I got to live with the "decent" person.
The guy I left was already troubled. He did not magically went back to the guy I knew."
Repeat.
Bottomline, I will buy some great cloth and create some stylish red curtains for my apartment.
Sometimes I wish this was all over. Waking up and thinking "was it all a dream? did this really happened?" I hate it not to be able to talk to this guy.
And also, what got me was the assumption from these guys that "he dumped me for another woman". As if I could not decide for myself I am better off alone. I started trying to tell him it was me who left/ but then stopped.
Dreamer, keep trying to control what you cannot control. They all / can think what they want. I give up, you know.
I do not deserve to be suffering this way. I choose not to. Its a daily struggle. And then I run into this guy, completely oblivious, and I think I am insane for feeling this so intensely. And I feel like an idiot for having these feelings, while he has been at it for most of the last 6 months with someone else.
:wtf2
Questions without answers:
- Would he feel something if he saw me with another guy? Or was it real when he said he did not care at all? Would he be jealous? Why would I care if he is, or is not?
- Does he remember me? Does he really believe his own lies? How can he state he loves someone and move on from one day to the other? How can I know we shared the feeling, if its just as easy for him to move on to someone else?
What I hate most is not being able to at least remember the good times. So much hurt afterwards, that I just want to erase 2008 altogether. I do not even want to remember how he was like before. I do not want to remember anything at all about him. Now, I have a really really BAD memory. But I got 2 or 3 thoughts about the nice him, and my heart aches.
A friend told me he would always be in my heart. Is he sure about it? Can't I kick him out altogether?
:wtf2
I do not know why I am so fixated with this guy. But it really helps to see that HP saved me from much suffering. Even a psychic, LOL, told me I'd better STAY AWAY from this guy. When I choose a card, and it was about him, it was Death..!
Not sure if I believe all that stuff, but you've got to admit its rather symbolic...
I am still in shock and denial. I cannot believe I see his body and cannot say hi. I cannot believe F. was able to harm me so much and don't give a damn. I cannot believe I believed everything he said. And I cannot believe he is indeed an alcoholic. I cannot believe he is choosing that path. I am no longer judging him for that. I just cannot believe it, when I attend AA, its like a Fast Forward of his life, after 30 years. How much suffering is he going to inflict before he crosses that door? Will he? What does he have to lose? Who will he have to lose?
I see what is true and I get to see and hear "how much fun" he is having, and its just madness.
Other questions without answers. Only HP will be able to give me peace, not knowing, and never being able to know. Why do I feel like HP? I need more humility.
A coworker and his best friend told me they know he has a problem, and are worried about him. OK, so its not only me. That made me feel a little better.
Thank you. Now that everything is Out There, I feel better. On to my lovely, sunny day. I bought a cactus and brought it to the office. It looks half like a cactus, half like a small palm tree. Its wonderful.
I am feeling more social now and am reaching out to all my friends, by phone, e-mail, and also meeting some new people. Baby steps...
Breathe. Breathe again...
I just want to add that all of you are so strong, I do not know how you overcome so many difficulties. You are all my example and daily inspiration.
Thanks for letting me share. I do not feel alone.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2009
Posts: 17
Thank you for all of this, Dreamer. For letting us into your heart. I, and probably most of us, have gone through this h*ll. Since my divorce, I notice, after all that pain and mental agony and puffy, sore eyes all the time... I don't give as much of myself away anymore. And that worries me. All that messy grieving means you loved deeply. I'm sure lots of people could give you advice about it all. You've already said enough that I know you know what the process is for walking through it. I'm just gonna say... I'm glad you are a passionate person and I hope that part of you doesn't die. I hope we can all get smarter about people, but somehow, not lose our capacity to love deeply.
Thoughts are with you today. Enjoy your pretty little palm-cactus and your precious friends. And Argentinian FOOD. YUM. We sure don't have any of that here!!!
:ghug3
Thoughts are with you today. Enjoy your pretty little palm-cactus and your precious friends. And Argentinian FOOD. YUM. We sure don't have any of that here!!!
:ghug3
A jug fills drop by drop
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
Thanks jaime for taking the time to read my ramblings LOL.
It feels great to be honest with people that understand, and won't say "are you STILL thinking about that?" as if it was a shortcoming on my part to feel. I know the difference between dwelling and feeling a victim, and no, I swear this is 100% pure feeling, so its great to be able to share it and have people say "its OK, cry all you need". You know, that's all I need to hear from anyone! And what I say to myself now... it feels good to be more compassionate towards your own feelings.
The little palm cactus rules, I read that plants are great teachers regarding unconditional love, and I am starting the plant-pet-person rule!
I hope as well you can channel that passion towards people that value it.
Eventhough it sucks, I think I prefer giving it all, and then having heartaches, that just navigate through life giving little, and feeling little as well. At least its intense, and helps me in my "acting" "career" LOL. I just need a little tuning and focus... so as not to end up here in this circle of hell... HAH! sometimes I feel we are all Dante walking through those circles of hell, some deeper than the others, but as long as we are going from hell to paradise.. and NOT the other way around...
I think this same passion towards constructive activities and people, will take us very very far. After all, its LIVING, surfing the tide, getting crushed, LOL and riding it again. As long as its with a different technique... (such as avoiding the shark area... that would be a great change for me)
Those were the words of Christ: "Stand up and walk".
Please HP, at least send me a walking stick, because sometimes I feel I am too weak to stand up after this one!
((hugs))
It feels great to be honest with people that understand, and won't say "are you STILL thinking about that?" as if it was a shortcoming on my part to feel. I know the difference between dwelling and feeling a victim, and no, I swear this is 100% pure feeling, so its great to be able to share it and have people say "its OK, cry all you need". You know, that's all I need to hear from anyone! And what I say to myself now... it feels good to be more compassionate towards your own feelings.
The little palm cactus rules, I read that plants are great teachers regarding unconditional love, and I am starting the plant-pet-person rule!
I hope as well you can channel that passion towards people that value it.
Eventhough it sucks, I think I prefer giving it all, and then having heartaches, that just navigate through life giving little, and feeling little as well. At least its intense, and helps me in my "acting" "career" LOL. I just need a little tuning and focus... so as not to end up here in this circle of hell... HAH! sometimes I feel we are all Dante walking through those circles of hell, some deeper than the others, but as long as we are going from hell to paradise.. and NOT the other way around...
I think this same passion towards constructive activities and people, will take us very very far. After all, its LIVING, surfing the tide, getting crushed, LOL and riding it again. As long as its with a different technique... (such as avoiding the shark area... that would be a great change for me
)Those were the words of Christ: "Stand up and walk".
Please HP, at least send me a walking stick, because sometimes I feel I am too weak to stand up after this one!
((hugs))
A jug fills drop by drop
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
If the plants survive, LOL, not sure which pet to choose. Probably something low-maintenance, such as an ant farm!! And I will probably forget to give them their sugar...
Or not even an ant farm. Just one single ant.
A cactus and an ant, talk about small steps, LOL.
Or not even an ant farm. Just one single ant.
A cactus and an ant, talk about small steps, LOL.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2009
Posts: 17
I have a plant that's been alive FIVE YEARS lol 
First one that's lived that long. Unfortunately, I skipped the pet one, darn it. But now I have a beautiful yellow lab... one year! Haha!
Yes, I agree. Better to love well, live well, and nurse some wounds. Still learning, though Yes He did say Get up and Walk!!! He also wept from love and loss (Lazarus). And He loved it when Mary wept and wiped her tears off His feet with her hair. He was a passionate being. And He hurt when he was hurting.
First one that's lived that long. Unfortunately, I skipped the pet one, darn it. But now I have a beautiful yellow lab... one year! Haha!Yes, I agree. Better to love well, live well, and nurse some wounds. Still learning, though
Yes He did say Get up and Walk!!! He also wept from love and loss (Lazarus). And He loved it when Mary wept and wiped her tears off His feet with her hair. He was a passionate being. And He hurt when he was hurting.
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